The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
And they’re off!
Coaching changes, key injuries and lousy drafts all come to a head as the race for the most coveted trophy in sports – the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is about to kickoff.
Sure, all eyes are on the anticipated dog fight between Tennessee and Cleveland, but veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) know you ignore the long shots only at your peril. The race for the Dan Henning Trophy is a 16-week sentence that only the weak, unfocused and untalented survive.
The opening week mess, as the nags enter the track:
Editor’s Note: 2015 records, final Bottom Ten ranking in parenthesis.
1. Super Bowl 50 – Fiasco of a title game was easy pick for 2015 B-10 Game of the Year honors…18 penalties, 6 turnovers and 12 sacks made this a B-10 Instant Classic…First Super Bowl to achieve Week 1 top ranking since that one were Garo Yepremian tried to throw a pass that one year …Next Loss: Never…There will never be a Super Bowl worse than this one.
2. Cleveland Browns (3-13; 2nd) – Browns fans ecstatic over 2015 runner-up finish, of course, but B-10 perennials must avoid crushing late season win(s) if they hope to ascend to B-10 promised land…Opening Loss: at Philadelphia
3. Dallas Cowboys (4-12; 3rd) – While B-10 pollsters firmly convinced Cowboys could contend for B-10 title with Tony Romo at QB, they are super double-sure they will do worse than another medal stand berth now that he’s broken his back again…Opening Loss: New York Giants
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11; 5th) – 19 wins over last five (5) seasons and a 2013 medal stand finish have made Jaguars one of B-10’s most stable franchises, but morale-depleting consecutive wins and failure to lose the big one has kept team from coveted B-10 title…Opening Loss: Green Bay
5. Tennessee Titans (3-13; Two-time defending Bottom Ten champions) – 2014…2015…2016?…Dare Titan fan(s) dare to dream of a B-10 three-peat???Team officials hoping glow of offseason B-10 Hall of Fame induction doesn’t cause team to rest on their laurels lose focus……Opening Loss: Minnesota
6. AFC South (25-39; 7th) – Defending Pete Rozelle Award winners – issued to NFL’s worst division – early picks for repeat performance…Could get competition under seldom used NAFTA clause from CFL East, where three teams have four wins and one has three and none have a winning record…Opening Loss: Entire Week 1 schedule
7. Chicago Bears (6-10; 9th) – Midgets of Midway at crossroads…Not too bad and not too good in 2015, Bears must do some deep soul searching to see if they have what it takes to contend in 2016…Six (6) of ten (10) losses were by less than a touchdown, so they’ve shown they can blow the close ones…New Soldier Field still ugliest stadium in history of mankind…Opening Loss: at Houston
8. NFL Relocation (0-3) – Played king maker and allowed the favored Rams to move back to a city they’d once abandoned but allowed Dean Spanos to play by the rules then gave it to him in the shorts, forcing him to either work a deal in San Diego or become tenants of the Los Angeles Rams…Next Loss:
9. Los Angeles Rams (7-9; NR) – Returning for three seasons to stadium they rejected as inadequate in the Carter Adminsitration…B-10 pollsters, who were in LA at the time, still flummoxed as to why they left in the first place…Few teams and cities had the bond the Rams had with LA…Next Loss: at San Francisco (9/12)
10. San Diego Chargers (4-12; 6th) – With offseason chaos concerning moving and being unable to sign top draft pick, Chargers should easily have sufficient momentum to build on losing ten (10) of last twelve (12) in 2015 (2015)…Opening Loss: at Kansas City
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Entire AFC South schedule
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cleveland at Philadelphia