The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 14
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It was probably a bit much for B-10 pollsters to expect the San Francisco/Chicago showdown to be so bad both teams could be issued losses. I mean, the NFL can’t even produce a winner for every game, so producing two losers is probably a bit much to ask.
But with the winless Browns enjoying a week off, San Francisco’s loss does give it the top spot this week, as the race for the Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – really heats up.
This week’s mess, as the nags head for home:
- San Francisco 49ers (1-11; lost to Chicago 26-6) – Niners secure top ranking for at least a week in exciting come-from-ahead road loss…Six (6)-yards passing, six (6) point performance leaves B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is first 1-to-1 Passing-Yards-To-Points-Scored ration in “like, a really long time’…Next Loss: New York Jets
2. New York Jets (3-9; lost Colts 41-10) – 36-yards rushing, three interceptions, 24-3 halftime deficit all ensure Jets never in this one in attention-grabbing Monday night loss…Sunday’s showdown at San Francisco prime opportunity to secure medal stand berth in B-10 “statement” game…Next Loss: at San Francisco
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10; lost to Denver 20-10) – Owner Genghis Khan, pleased with current seven-game skid, has backed off beheadings pledge if Jaguars can lose out…This could be tough, as last three (3) games against fellow AFC South opponents…Next Loss: Minnesota
4. Chicago Bears (3-9; defeated San Francisco 26-6) – Bears simply not bad enough in quest for first B-10 title, as rare win boots Midgets of Midway from medal stand…Fan(s) up in arms, as Bears fall behind Jaguars in B-10 survey despite losing to Jaguars earlier in season… …Next Loss: at Detroit
5. Philadelphia Eagles (5-7; lost to Cincinnati 32-14) – Last week B-10 pollsters fretted Eagles five (5) wins might be too many for coveted B-10 medal stand spot, but they aren’t so sure anymore after impressive, third straight loss…Total team effort sees offense punt or miss field goals the entire first half, as defense does its part to secure 19-0 halftime deficit…Next Loss: Washington
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-7-1; defeated Philadelphia 32-14) – Bengals caught looking ahead to this week’s showdown with Cleveland, as not even Bengals bad enough to blow 29-0 lead…While B-10 medal stand berth still possible if they lose out, long-suffering Bengal fan(s) again left to wonder what might have been had B-10 title dreams again put on hold…Next Loss: at Cleveland
7. Carolina Panthers (4-8; lost to Seattle 40-7) – Defending NFC champions can’t even follow dress code, much less complicated NFL playbooks this season…Panthers primed for strong B-10 stretch run with second straight loss…Next Loss: San Diego
8. AFC South (20-28) – Juggernaut division now default, go-to selection for coveted B-10 Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division…Houston has lost three (3) straight and is still tied for first with Indianapolis, two-time defending B-10 champs Tennessee…Next Loss: B-10 pollsters have run out of jokes about how AFC South is losing automatic berth in NFL playoffs…Feel free to insert own, preferably funny, line here.
9. This Is Don Criqui Reporting – Despite constant phone calls, texts from agent for something called Spero Dedes, B-10 staffers pleased to announce Hall of Fame announcer has signed on for 2017 and another season of heralding second worst game on NFL weekly schedule with hilarious This Is Don Criqui Reporting lead line.
10. Donald Trump – For better or worse – probably worse – President-elect Trump’s Government by Tweet and renegade phone calls that get protocol buff’s shorts in a knot, heralds a changing of the guard in America…Next Loss: Our entire country, as it collapses sometime before this half-century is out.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Cincinnati at Cleveland
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: New York (A) at San Francisco