The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 16
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Oh, the humanity.
Never in their long experience in watching lousy football have Bottom Ten pollsters seen the havoc of this past weekend when all three (3) medal stand teams won.
This leaves the race for the Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – wide open. So open, in fact, that staffers are scrambling to find whatever Bottom Ten tie breaking procedures might be laying around the office.
Not only will a loss be key for those seeing Bottom Ten glory, but Bottom Ten pollsters will be looking at other factors, too, such as margin of loss, penalties and a total lack of a rushing game.
This week’s utter fiasco, as the nags limp for the finish line:
1. Chicago Bears (3-12; lost to Washington 41-21) – Sometimes B-10 title goes to team that wants it more, as Bears highest ranked team that could be bothered to lose this week…Still, though, B-10 title not there for the taking, as B-10 pollsters must sort all damage from final week, as 49ers have loss in hand to Midgets of Midway. …Next Loss: at Minnesota
2. Los Angeles Rams (4-11; lost to San Francisco 22-21) – Heartland or Hollywood, Rams still aren’t any good, making big pitch for B-10 medal stand finish by getting outscored 15-0 in final 5:06…Rams hoping to B-10 dynasty in place by time new stadium opens, Chargers move in, in 2019…Next Loss: Arizona Cardinals
3. San Diego Chargers (5-10; lost to Cleveland 20-17) – Chargers make great impression on whichever town ends up with them in 2017, snapping Cleveland’s 17-game losing streak while extending their own skid to an attention-grabbing four (4) games…Both San Diego and Los Angeles so afraid of having team end up there offer from Winslow, Arizona to use local high school leading favorite to land team…Next Loss: Kansas City
4. Cleveland Browns (1-14; defeated San Diego 20-17) – All the losing dies in winning for Browns, who see chance 0-16 glory disappear with first 2016 victory…Browns second NFL team to start season 1-14 after losing first 14 straight…Next Loss: at Pittsburgh
5. San Francisco 49ers (2-13; defeated Los Angeles 22-21) – With the B-10 top spot there for the losing, Niners blink with type of morale-depleting, come-from-ahead road win that tends to destroy B-10 title hopes…Needs very strong loss this week to even think about B-10 medal stand…Next Loss: Seattle
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-12; defeated Tennessee 38-17) – With B-10 medal stand glory awaiting their usual loss, Jaguars owner Genghis Kahn takes entire coaching staff to team headquarters for postgame waterboarding session, following latest untimely win…Next Loss: at Indianapolis
7. NFC West (21-37) – With Rams late surge and San Francisco’s two (2) wins, noted division easy choice for weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division…Nothing guaranteed though, as there is a full slate of AFC South action this week for B-10 pollsters to sort through before annual Pete Rozelle Award issued next wee.
8. Cincinnati Bengals (5-9-1; lost to Houston 12-10) – After 14 years, rumors about head coach Marvin Lewis status now inevitable, as Lewis has yet to produce a B-10 title, despite having the lousy owner and sub-standard facilities most coaches would kill for.…Next Loss: Baltimore
9. New York Jets (4-11; lost to New England 41-3) – Medal stand berth still not out of the question, as Jets put up “notice me” 41-3 loss to league’s best team…Jets peaking at the right time, having lost six (6) of last seven (7)…Next Loss: Buffalo
10. Donald Trump – President-elect, a staple in the ten spot since the election, gets a pass this week, as B-10 pollsters still distraught over entire medal stand winning this past weekend
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Chicago at Minnesota
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Jacksonville at Indianapolis