The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 9
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
The cream is starting to rise.
Or maybe the sediment is starting to settle.
However you look at it, the Browns, 49ers and Ravens have started to assert themselves in the race for the most coveted trophy in sports, the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten Supremacy.
Veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) know, however, that you ignore ths week’s big Tennessee/Jacksonville tilt at your peril, with the loser possibly using the momentum to make a push for a return to the Bottom Ten medal stand.
This week’s mess, as the nags limp up the backstretch:
- Cleveland Browns (0-7; lost to Cincinnati 31-17) – Browns show cursory second quarter interest, leading briefly before getting outscored 14-0 to end first half and cruising the rest of the way… Browns now 63rd 0-7 team in NFL history…Next Loss: New York Jets
2. San Francisco 49ers (1-6; lost to Tampa Bay 34-17) – 49ers blow 14-0 lead in type of come-from-ahead home loss that has Cleveland fan(s) looking over their shoulder…San Francisco has lost six (6) straight, best among NFL’s 31 victoried teams …Next Loss: New Orleans
3. Baltimore Ravens (3-4; lost to New York Jets 24-16) – Three (3) wins a bit more than B-10 pollsters are looking for out of a medal stand team after seven (7) games, but no team – except Cleveland and San Francisco, of course – playing worse football right now…Next Loss: Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Tie Games (0-0-1) – It’s the second decade of the 21st century and the NFL has been around for 96 years but they still haven’t figured out how to have a team win every game…Next Loss: Look this isn’t that hard…You keep playing football until somebody wins.
5. Seattle at Arizona – B-10 Game of the Year nominee and first Instant Classic of 2016 features 16 punts, twelve points and no winner…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is only football game anywhere at any time to feature two (2) made field goals, two (2) missed field goals in overtime session …Next Loss: Look this isn’t that hard…You keep playing football until somebody wins.
6. AFC North (10-18) – Determined AFC North nabs weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division…Anchored by winless Browns, three division teams have combined to lose 13 (13) straight…Strong .500 mark in divisional play, though.
7. NFL In London – Queen Elizabeth ready to revoke treaties of Paris, Ghent after former colony force-feeds yet another thrilling 17-10 NFL game on usually fun-loving Brits…Even nation that invented soccer thought 15 punts a bit much…Next Loss: London Privy Council said to be looking into subletting future games to Wales or Bangladesh or Oakland.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4; lost to Las Vegas Raiders 33-16) – Some punts, some field goals, some turnovers, Jaguars back in B-10 pollsters good graces following usual, routine loss…With consecutive wins and a bye week, game was actually Jaguars first loss in about a month…Next Loss: at Tennessee (Oct 27)
9. New York Jets (2-5; defeated Baltimore 24-16) – Jets offense does its part, producing two (2) turnovers and a blocked field goal, but not even defense bad enough to stop Ravens juggernaut…Jets can get back in B-10 race with big road loss to Browns this week…Next Loss: at Cleveland
10. Chicago Cubs – Forget Game 1 loss, we’ve been saying since the Week 1 survey the Cubs are a lock to break 108-year World Series drought this season…Though last few decades have been tough, Cubs actually used to be really good and are appearing in eleventh (11th) World Series, tied for sixth amongst ML teams…Next Loss: 2017…Don’t bother us now.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New York Jets at Cleveland
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Jacksonville at Tennessee