The Bottom Ten/Best Of 2017
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Vote early, vote often!
The polls are open in the first ever reader voting for the Bottom Ten Line of the Year!
And what a selection to choose from! Every poll from this past season was reviewed, every line fussed over and only the very best were selected for your review, with Bottom Ten pollsters “pretty sure” you’ll have a tough time picking your faves.
List your faves in the Facebook comments box below. And if your fave isn’t listed, no problemo, merely enter it in the comments box. If you are one of the five (5) people on this planet without a Facebook account, feel free to email your selections to gaylonthewriter at gmail.
Entries are listed without regard to how the team finished, so early entries for the Chargers and Jaguars are included even though the Chargers finished the season winning nine of twelve while the Jaguars are still in playoffs of all the silly things.
Winners will be announced next week when the first-ever Bottom Ten Tenny Awards are issued.
The 2017 fiasco:
1. Rice NCAA/Week 1
One of those “academic” schools, Rice players getting big props for predicting Hurricane Harvey months in advance, getting athletic department to move opener to Sydney, Australia.
2. Louisiana-Famous Dead Person (UL-Lafayette, UL-Monroe) NCAA/Week 1
While Lafayette is, of course, named for French army officer, Monroe not named for former president of the United States, but for legendary, local Cajun accordion player Billy “Sugar Plum” Monroe.
3. Army NCAA/Week 1
Cadets expected to be hampered by offseason Defense Secretary ruling – to help better prepare for future battles against ISIS – requiring playbook to be written in Farsi.
4. Hamilton Tiger-Cats NFL/Week 1
Lost a game earlier this season 60-1, which isn’t easy to do, even with current, lousy exchange rate.
5. East Carolina NCAA Week 2
First ever Pirate appearance in survey has B-10 staff scurrying to find East Carolina on map, though B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” it’s somewhere near West Carolina…Or maybe Finland.
6. UMess NCAA/Week 3
UMess only losing games by 31-23 margin, forcing coaching staff to really focus on basics this week, like giving up points off turnovers and jumping offsides at crucial times…
7. East Carolina NCAA/Week 3
Lack of preparation cited for current skid, as coaching staff spending most of their time explaining why North and South Carolina are states but East Carolina is not.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars NFL/Week 4
Jaguars owner Genghis Khan subjects coaching staff to beating for not achieving goal of being on B-10 medal stand by Islamic New Year…
9. Silver Convention: UNLV/Nevada NCAA/Week 5
B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is first time two teams from gambling states have formed joint entry since Tijuana Tech and Monte Carlo A&M joined forces in 1960’s
10. NFL NFL/Week 5
Entire league expected to wipe asses at midfield before this week’s games, though plans to hold fists up during Tenny Awards – the annual B-10 awards show – still under construction.
11. Air Force NCAA/Week 6
Air Force hampered by President Trump order requiring Falcons to waterboard opposing ball carriers, resulting in NCAA record 23 unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.
12. Los Angeles Chargers NFL/Week 6
StubHub Center spokesman assures LA football fans tarps will be taken off seats in time for next month’s high school football playoffs…
13. Georgia Southern NCAA/Week 8
Coaching staff motivates team at halftime with inspiring speech about how “they came here to win B-10 titles and not be some middling, pansy-ass two (2) win team”.
14. Baylor NCAA/Week 8
To instill sense of chivalry in players in wake of sex abuse scandal, athletes now required to bow, say ‘top of the morning’ m’lady’ and squirt coeds with seltzer bottles instead of sexually assaulting them.
15. Vanderbilt NCAA/Week 8
Vanderbilt still feeling effects of turn-of-century merger of Athletic, Student Affairs departments as Drama Department students assigned temporary duty as defensive coaches require linebackers to really “get in touch with their inner self” while Ole Miss running backs blow past them for 252 yards rushing.
16. Earlham NCAA/Week 9
Team so bad squad has Nike logo on jerseys even though they are sponsored by Under Armour.
17. Tennessee at Cleveland NFL/Week 9:
Forget anthem protest, nation outraged at being force-fed 74 minutes of this crap, as teams thrill TV audience with seven (7) field goals, zero (0) touchdowns, 17 penalties in overtime game.
18. Rice NCAA/Week 10
Owls wore pink ribbons on helmets to show solidarity with other one-win schools missing out on B-10 medal stand…
19. Kansas NCAA/Week 11
Team so bad Memorial Stadium expansion fundraising focus has shifted from premium seating and video boards to new taquito stand for east concourse.
20. Air Force NCAA/Week 11
Though B-10 pollsters suitably patriotic, they still long for days when all three service academies were bad enough to combine for hilarious joint entry in order prevent complete military occupation of B-10 medal stand.
21. Charlotte NCAA/Week 13
B-10 pollsters really enjoyed research into team until realizing scantily clad girls weren’t Charlotte coeds, but models at Charlotte Russe website.
22. Cincinnati Bengals NFL/Week 13
Head coach Marvin Lewis still unable to shake ‘can’t lose the big one’ tag, as Bengals need big loss this week to even think about B-10 medal stand finish
23. 2017 Holiday Season NCAA/Interregnum Poll
Americans eagerly awaiting day when Amazon, Walmart give permission for holidays to begin with He Is Risen sales after Easter sunrise services.
24. Charlotte NCAA/Final
Fourth-year program at crossroads, but fan(s) confident 49ers will be able to turn corner and combine complete lack of tradition with coaches not good enough for ACC for continued B-10 success.
25. Earlham NCAA/Final
Incoming crop of future hotel desk clerks and bank tellers might be Quakers weakest recruiting class yet.
26. New York Giants NFL/Week 15
Giants ownership so intent on complimenting Vince Lombardi trophies with Dan Henning Trophy they fired coach, GM immediately after game, making them take taxi home
27. Bahamas Bowl NCAA/Bowl Game Edition
Thomas Robinson Stadium almost as bad a bowl facility as Yankee Stadium, with 50-yard line seats a mere 130 feet from field, behind running track, long jump/triple jump pits, detention area for opposition leaders.
28. Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman NCAA/Bowl Game Edition
Great game to watch if you’re doing shots every time announcer says Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman.