The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 5
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Much like cancer treatment, there are waypoints on the road to The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy. One is the Week 5 survey when the league’s very worst start to assert themselves with 0-3 marks. It is such a barometer that Bottom Ten pollsters are “pretty sure” that it’s “like, rare, dude” for a team to start 0-3 and not make the final survey.
And the 2017 crop of 0-3’s has not failed it impress Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere, with a strong mix of returning retreads and a fresh, new face showing interest in Bottom Ten glory.
And there is no rest for the weary this week, either, as Bottom Ten fan(s) have yet another showdown game this week, as #1 Cincinnati sashays into Cleveland to visit the #2 Browns.
This week’s mess, as the nags approach the clubhouse turn:
1. Cincinnati Bengals (0-3; lost to Green Bay 27-24 OT) – Bengals blow late lead, coming through with huge overtime road loss for coach who earlier in week had said next job to be lost would be his if team blew chance at first B-10 title…Next Loss: at Cleveland
2. Cleveland Browns (0-3; lost to Indianapolis 31-28) – Last year’s trial by fire expected to serve Browns well as brutal, early 2017 schedule has defending B-10 champs set to play in second consecutive B-10 Game of the Week…..Next Loss: Cincinnati
3. San Diego Whoops Los Angeles Chargers (0-3; lost to Kansas City 24-10) – Chargers impressing skeptical LA fans with early B-10 medal stand berth…Already worst franchise relocation in American sports history, Chargers so bad San Diego doesn’t even want them back…Next Loss: Philadelphia
4. Cincinnati at Cleveland – Expectations for this Sunday’s game so high B-10 staffers have already completed B-10 Game of the Year nomination form with B-10 fan(s) everywhere limbering up for festivities with chants of “instant classic…instant classic”.
5. AFC North (4-8) – Proving that on any Sunday any division can go 0-4, AFC North easy choice for weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to league’s worst division…Sure, Bengals, Browns combined 0-6, but Steelers make noise after snapping Bears seven-game losing skid…Next Loss: Following tradition of European soccer, division expected to be relegated to NCAA Division III Ohio Athletic Conference for 2018.
6. San Francisco 49ers (0-3; lost to Los Angeles Rams 41-39) – Niners showing they can lose whether they sit, stand or pick their nose during national anthem…Niner offense both giveth and taketh away, getting two (2) late touchdowns, but show B-10 mettle by refusing to capitalize on recovered onside kick…Next Loss: at Arizona
7. New York Giants (0-3; lost to Philadelphia 27-24) – Surprise team of season following 2016’s playoff berth, Giants showing they can lose close ones after losing first two games by combined 30 points…Thinking game was being played under experimental Score-Most-Points-In-Fourth-Quarter-Win-Game rule, Giants score all points in final 15 minutes…Next Loss: at Tampa Bay
8. NFL – Will league-be-around-in-a-generation conversation picking up steam, as quality of play, TV ratings continue to deteriorate while players continue to protest national anthem because there is a lot to protest in America …Next Loss: Entire fan base as average Americans grow weary of lousy games, concussion debate, anthem protests.
9. NFL – Fabulous…Players exercising Constitutional rights to protest in pissing match with commander-in-chief responsible for protecting and defending those rights…Entire league expected to wipe asses at midfield before this week’s games, though plans to hold fists up during Tenny Awards – the annual B-10 awards show – still under construction.
10. Donald Trump – Cannot ever, under any circumstances, keep his mouth/Twitter account shut…Predictions in other loser Gaylon column that he would be same misfit embarrassment as president that he was as candidate, private citizen, proving true as entire nation eagerly awaiting to see if country will collapse due to nuclear war or internal anarchy.
Game of the Week: Cincinnati at Cleveland
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cincinnati at Cleveland