The Sunday Bottom Ten #12 – April 15, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Fresh off last week’s triumphant Best of the Last Ten Weeks column, the Sunday Bottom Ten pollsters are back with the witless social commentary that has made The Sunday Bottom Ten an American classic.
This week’s mess:
1. Paul Ryan
Mitigating Factors: A Speaker of the House who’s not 110-years-old retiring with his own party in the White House???…He’s bailing, of course…Over three dozen other House Republicans also retiring or seeking other offices like dog catcher???…This is a vote of no confidence in the president, doubt that at your peril.
FunFact: The GOP should go away…They have not produced a decent elected president since Eisenhower (Ford did will in circumstances the Son of Man would have found challenging) and two (2) years of control of both Congress and the White House has produced nothing of substance save a half-ass tax bill that could have gone farther.
2. War With Syria
Mitigating Factors: US, along with Britain and France, again trying to save world with airstrikes against country suspected of gassing their own people…Sunday B-10 pollsters don’t like gassing anyone anymore than you do, but would like to point out that this war, like every other war America has fought since War II has not been declared by Congress, even though this is specified in the Constitution…American media, long derelict in their duties, already onboard, despite US has been at war daily since 1989 and the only dividend war produces is more war.
FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Congress’ abrogation their prerogative to declare war still one America’s great tragedies.
3. Gaylon For Congress
Mitigating Factors: Money pouring in as recent contributions from indulgent uncle, tolerant cousin push war chest up into three figures…Still though, with GOP imploding and usual Democrat misfits slated for primary, this could be the year Colorado’s 3rd Congressional District sends message to selves, rest of state, nation they are demanding better government.
FunFact: New ebook titled We The People: Making America America Again scheduled for release later this month…Thoughtful, entertaining and mercifully short, it can be read over your lunch hour and features logical, non-partisan thoughts on our country’s problems.
4. Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mitigating Factors: Iconic, groundbreaking movie-mocking show still fun to kill some idle hours with…Recently viewed Touch of Satan movie lampooned in ninth season actually wasn’t too bad as MST3K movies go…Acting was somewhat OK, though plot was kind of slow, though in a leisurely, interesting sort of way.
FunFact: Scene where deputy gets murdered with a hook by a witch, was actually done really well.
5. NCAA Basketball
Mitigating Factors: With NCAA tournament out of the way, fans now free to focus on filling out bribery scandal brackets as Kansas, North Carolina State recently added to teams involved in scam to pay parents of top players who committed to play for these teams…This follows earlier indictments against ten assistant coaches charged with accepting payments for steering players to certain agents, tailors.
FunFact: There is nothing fun associated with the NCAA anymore…An enabler of child molesters and racketeers, it should just go away.
6. Major League Baseball
Mitigating Factors: MLB reeling from decision to hold openers right after the New Year has resulted on over one (1) dozen postponements in 2018…Solution could lie in having teams who play in south, west, domed stadiums open with long homestands instead of giving Twins, Cubs, White Sox opportunities to hold ski jumping clinics at Opening Day Fan Fests.
FunFact: If MLB is insistent on opening season concurrent with Spring Equinox maybe they could hold pagan ceremonies at stadiums, with Wiccans throwing out ceremonial first pitch.
7. Mike D’Antoni
Mitigating Factors: Houston Rockets coach, still looking for first NBA title along with his star players, already laying groundwork for second-round exit by saying season won’t be judged on whether or not Rockets win NBA title as best regular season record really shows what team’s about.
FunFact: D’Antoni in 14th season, still far from record for most seasons coached without title (31, Don Nelson) but Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” D’Antoni still holds head high at annual Best Coaches Never To Win NBA Title banquet.
8. St Peter’s Peacocks (0-27)
Mitigating Factors: Peacocks perfect week (0-7) and current 66-game losing skid ensures retention of Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO…While Peacocks have so far feasted on 172nd most difficult schedule in country, rest of way fraught with peril as future opponents only have .354 winning percentage.
FunFact: Peacocks still couldn’t hit Sunday B-10 pollsters if they ran across home plate and ducked a little bit, batting only .191 as a team.
9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: A slow fortnight since we last reported figures, with 2018 only up slightly to 56 strikes and 278 deaths, though US military, Special Olympics officials eager to point virtually all of US drone strike deaths military in nature.
FunFact: As with hot new missile strikes against Syria, drone strikes in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen acts of war, however, also like Syria, they wars that have not been declared by the United States Congress, despite being required by Constitution, US, version 1.0.
Source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: 205 days until election that will send a message to America and the world regardless of results…With GOP incapable of governing and Democrats without a national standard-bearer to rally around this could be time America says enough and sheds the status quo at the ballot box, though America does not have a real strong history of this.
FunFact: Neither major party has a long-term plan for anything more than further consolidating wealth and power…In November us Americans will decide either to accept this or to discard it…Our call.
Thought for the Week: People are more disposed to suffer than right themselves by resistance. – John Locke
The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Ten columns Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.