The Bottom Ten is on the house this year.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 7
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s only the second fresh Bottom Ten of the season, but already chaos reigns in the race for the ESPNCup as two-thirds of the Week 6 medal stands changes hands and Bottom Ten legacy team Vanderbilt ascends the throne for what Bottom Ten pollsters are “pretty sure” is the first time in “like, ages and stuff.
It’s an eclectic mix this week, as faves from the Double Aughts like Vanderbilt, Florida International, North Texas and Louisiana-Monroe – one-half of the hilarious Louisiana-Famous Dead Person entry with UL-Lafayette – team up with exciting newcomers like Charlotte and South Florida.
This week’s mess:
1. Vanderbilt (0-3; lost to South Carolina 41-7)
Mitigating Factors: A B-10 legacy team thanks to strong B-10 runs in Double Aughts, Commodores find first B-10 title theirs for the losing after ascending B-10 throne…Commodores still hampered by turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as special teams earn 379 penalty yards after Interpretive Dance majors take over kicking game.
FunFact: Commodores 0-3 for second straight year, the fifth time this century, the 12th time since 1969 and, well, you get the idea.
Next Loss: at Missouri
2. Louisiana-Monroe (0-5; lost to Liberty 40-7)
Mitigating Factors: Classic Total Team Effort shows way to B-10 medal stand for Warhawks, as defense, offense and special teams all give up touchdowns in this thriller…Offense made to run wind sprints after game for breaking up attention-getting shutout with fourth-quarter touchdown against Liberty yell leaders who suited up for second half.
FunFact: Current six (6)-game skid good for Interim Continental Cup – issued this year to team with longest losing streak amongst teams who actually played last week.
Next Loss: at South Alabama (10/24)
3. Florida International (0-2; lost to Middle Tennessee 31-28)
Mitigating Factors: Obscure B-10 bylaw – are there any other kind? – stating you lose to a team in the Bottom Ten, you’re in the Bottom Ten invoked for Panthers, another B-10 legacy team for Double Aught excellence…Showing mettle that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory, Panthers blow (3) three leads, with loss not secured until defense gives up clutch fourth-quarter touchdown.
FunFact: Panther fan(s) keeping expectations low for 2020 as sting of blowing 2007 B-10 title with win in final game still sore spot.
Next Loss: at Charlotte
4. North Texas (1-3; lost to Charlotte 49-21)
Mitigating Factors: Yet another B-10 legacy team returning to the survey, Mean Green knocking on door of B-10 medal stand with third straight loss…North Texas never in this one, breaking to 21-7 halftime deficit before putting it on cruise control for second half…Mean Green doing it with defense, easily overcoming pretty good offense by ranking Next To Dead Last in both Scoring Defense (46.5 ppg) and Total Defense (578.8 ypg)
FunFact: With win coming in opener, Mean Green in prime position to take Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: at Middle Tennessee
5. Akron (0-0; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Though defending B-10 champs first game isn’t until next month, Zips ranked so B-10 pollsters can limber up for anticipated strong repeat performance…Always looking to improve, Zips plan to do better than the two rushing touchdowns they had last year by having runners toss ball to nearest official anytime they cross the 5-yard-line.
Running The Numbers: Akron proud possessors of nation’s best 17-game losing streak.
Next Loss: Western Michigan (11/4)
6. Conference USA
Mitigating Factors: One of the easiest choices ever for B-10 Conference of the Week award as half of Week 7 survey made up of either the conference itself or its teams….4-20 non-conference mark has even usual Conference of the Week stalwarts MAC, Sun Belt Conference issuing polite applause.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This One before: Despite slow start, C-USA expected to man up for solid .500 conference play mark.
Next Loss: Automatic NCAA playoff berth, if the NCAA had a major division football playoff, which they don’t.
7. South Florida (1-3; lost to East Carolina 44-24)
Mitigating Factors: Bulls in survey for first time since Week 6 last year on strength of hot three (3)-game losing skid…Even if two (2) Bulls turnovers hadn’t been turned into ten (10) East Carolina points, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” South Florida would have found way to blow game anyway…Bulls losing games by average score of 41.333333-to-10.333333.
FunFact: Another juggernaut who smacked around lower-level school in opener, Bulls can claim at least share of Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss: at Temple
8. Navy (2-2; defeated Temple 31-29)
Mitigating Factors: Though sails depleted somewhat by win, it’s still full speed ahead for Navy in quest for Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness…Despite win, Midshipmen still hampered by pregame Navy Secretary’s ruling requiring all plays to be sent in via semaphore flags, resulting in 17 delay of game penalties.
When All The Laughter Dies In Winning; With service academies all off to good starts, and with COVID preventing lower-level teams from playing, B-10 pollsters unable to make fun of lower-level academies like Coast Guard, VMI and Merchant Marines.
Next Loss: at East Carolina
9. Syracuse (1-3; lost to Duke 38-24)
Mitigating Factors: Orange now squarely on B-10 radar following loss to last week’s #1 team, snapping Duke’s four-game skid…Syracuse getting it done on both sides of the ball, ranking Dead Last in Total Offense (254.0 ypg) and 66th in Total Defense (475.8 ypg).
Crystal Ball Me: Duke defeats Syracuse who defeated Georgia Tech who defeats Clemson….No, B-10 pollsters not expecting this either, but it could be as close to a national title as Duke ever gets
Next Loss: Liberty
10. Charlotte (1-2; defeated North Texas 49-21)
Mitigating Factors: 49ers barely clinging to spot in survey following first win of 2020…Coaching staff holding special chalk talk sessions this week, diagraming how victories – even over North Texas – significantly hamper B-10 medal stand chances.
NextGen Stats: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” win over North Texas could actually lead to strength of schedule points should Mean Green actually lose out.
Next Loss: Florida International
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Florida International at Charlotte
This One’s Going To Blow, Too: North Texas at Middle Tennessee
Up Next On ESPN9,320: Navy at East Carolina
