The Bottom Ten
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Despite the fact conference championship games are scheduled for this weekend, there are still two (2) more weekends of regular season games remaining, including an entire slate of thrilling Sun Belt Conference action.
Since some of these games will influence the issuing of the Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – not to mention the coveted Bottom Ten Conference of the Year award, the final 2016 Bottom Ten will not run until next spring.
We kid. It will actually move Tuesday, December 13, after all regular season games are completed. Next week the traditional Bottom Ten/Bowl Game edition will run.
So as the ESPNCup, the Tostitos Plaque, the Continental Cup, are all getting gussied up and readied for shipment to the 2016 Bottom Ten laureates, please enjoy the now-annual Bottom Ten Week 14 Interregnum Poll.
This week’s imbroglio
- College Football Playoff – A BCS-type fiasco was bound to happen and there’s one this year, as outside of an SEC champion Alabama no one is a lock to qualify for four (4)-team invitational, captivating an entire country the way a real NCAA Division I football playoff never would…Thanks college football playoff!
2. Ohio State – Buckeyes so good they are likely to qualify for CFP despite not being good enough to qualify for Big Ten title game…Thanks College Football Playoff!…Buckeyes on B-10 medal stand for first time since 1923 squad started season 1-2-1.
3. Penn State – School whose football team probably should’ve been sent back to the stone age after assistant coach caught taking showers with ball boys, back on center stage playing for Big Ten title Saturday…Entirely possible they could win the game and not get invited to College Football Playoff despite having beaten Ohio State on the field in an official Big Ten game.
4. NCAA Division I Football Playoff – Whoops, this doesn’t exist!!!…Despite the fact a 32-team NCAA Division I football playoff could begin Thanksgiving weekend and end on New Year’s Day, would become an American classic quicker than you could say “Electoral College” and would make everyone a pile of cash, the NCAA does not sponsor a major division football playoff…Thanks NCAA!!!
5. Continental Cup – Beloved B-10 hardware – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – all set to go to Division III Earlham with 33 straight losses, but B-10 pollsters want to send special shout out to Lewis and Clark College and Grove City College, who are in hot pursuit with 32 and 30 losses respectively…In fact, if Lewis and Clark could’ve been bothered to play, and lose, a tenth game in 2016, they would’ve earned a share of the Continental Cup!..Thanks College Football Playoff!!!
6. 2016 Week 1 Bottom Ten – B-10 pollsters humming on all cylinders when they lifted the manhole cover on 2016 as no more than two (2) teams ranked in Week 1 have a chance at being ranked in 2016’s final survey…Way to go Bottom Ten pollsters!!!…Shots for everyone!!!…Thanks open bar tab!!!
7. College Football Bowl Season – 40 bowls, 80 teams and a whopping 77 teams with the six (6) wins required to qualify for a meaningless exhibition sponsored by companies that make underwear or produce chicken and hosted by fat guys in ugly blazers…This means that once again teams with losing records will qualify for postseason games…Thanks college football!!!
8. Dahala Khagrabari – Once the planets only third-order enclave, as a part of India that was in a Bangladeshi enclave that was part of an Indian enclave in Bangladesh proper…Making its first appearance in B-10 survey because B-10 pollsters really hurting for material this week…Two countries actually settled this matter a few years ago, as all enclaves – and there were a lot – reverted back to mother country, with displaced residents given choice of beheadings, being sold into slavery…Thanks College Football Playoff!!
9. Trilateral Commission – Hilarious past and probably future B-10 entry has only made sporadic, recent B-10 appearances lately…Duke and Vanderbilt – long fave whipping posts of B-10 pollsters – teamed up for pretty OK 10-14 combined mark in 2016 …Only Rice upheld usual low standards, chasing B-10 title until tragic, late season loss eliminated them from contention.
10. Louisiana – Famous Dead Person – Another hilarious joint entry turning in a bad but not bad enough season…UL-Monroe and UL-Lafayette are a combined 9-13 heading into their showdown Saturday, with the loser being awarded the Billy Cannon Certificate, symbolic of Cajun football ineptitude.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New Mexico State at Georgia Southern
Lousy Conference Championship Game of the Week: San Diego Statenat Wyoming
Sun Belt Conference Thriller of the Week: Arkansas State at Texas State