The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
There’s Cleveland, then there’s everyone else in the race for the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.
As the Browns’ storybook season rolls on, left in the dust is the detritus of otherwise fine Bottom Ten campaigns being constructed by San Francisco, Chicago, Jacksonville, not to mention the rest of the AFC North.
This week’s fiasco, as the nags negotiate the far turn:
- Cleveland Browns (0-11) – Browns putting it all together now, priming for perfect season quest by getting outscored 87-26 in last three games…Browns now 16th team in NFL history to start season 0-11…Next Loss: New York Football Giants
2. San Francisco 49ers (1-9; lost to New England 30-17) – Niners overcome three (3)-point halftime deficit by punting on first five (5) possessions of second half and getting outscored 17-7…49er fan(s) can only wonder what might have been as Week 1 win only blemish on otherwise perfect season……Next Loss: at Miami
3. Chicago Bears (2-8; lost to New York Giants 22-16) – It’s not every year that head-to-head results are key in B-10, but Bears loss to Jaguars keeps them on the medal stand…B-10 pollsters still researching whether or not one-point loss to Jaguars qualifies them for strength of schedule points or not…Next Loss: Tennessee
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-8; lost to Detroint 26-19) – Jaguar juggernaut has lost five (5) straight…Owner Genghis Kahn has kidnapped offensive line’s next-of-kin and promises hourly beheadings if team does not show up on medal stand sooner rather than laterNext Loss: at Buffalo
5. AFC North (13-27-1) – Sure, any division with the Browns in it is automatic contender for weekly, coveted Pete Rozelle Award – issued to NFL’s worst division, but Ravens, Steelers tied for lead at 5-5 and Bengals making usual B-10 run…Next Loss: Automatic berth in NFL playoffs, as league looks to farm champion out to regional indoor league.
6. CFL East (27-44-1) – With CFL regular season over, Eastern Division snags Bob and Doug MacKenzie Award, issued to CFL’s worst division…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is the first time “in, like, a really long time, maybe ever” a CFL division champion had a losing record.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (3-6-1; lost to Buffalo 16-12) – B-10 staffers still not entirely sure if tie game enhances or detracts Bengals B-10 chances…Next Loss: at Baltimore
8. San Diego Chargers (4-6; DNP) – Chargers up a creek without any leverage…They can either get on hands and knees and beg for new stadium deal in San Diego, or be saddled with an already negotiated deal to play second-fiddle in Los Angeles…Great work guys…Lost to Houston this week key to staying in B-10 race…Next Loss: at Houston
9. White America (290-232) – Hey guys, thanks for getting your shorts in a knot and getting Donald Trump elected president…I know this was a country founded by whites for whites to be governed by whites, but times change…You no longer own slaves, Hispanics and Asians are all over the place and your wife can vote…Chill out and enjoy the diversity…Us whites have done damage already.
10. Donald Trump (0-0) – President-elect doing everything but making potential hires where KKK hoods at interviews…It’s possible a GOP businessman president with a GOP controlled Congress will produce an economy anchored in low taxes, free markets and minimal regulation, but we’re not holding our breath…Next Loss: Our social fabric…If you thought we were fractured now, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Jacksonville at Buffalo
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Cincinnati at Buffalo