Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…
Tuesday, February 21
The Wife and I were both in the mood to get out of town, so we went to a town about 90 minutes south of here. They have some outlet stores and the drive is pretty and it is actually the town we went to twice on Friday’s when I worked for the Doily Delivery Company.
Can somebody please explain to me the attraction of button fly, shrink-to-fit blue jeans???…The Wife goes completely bonkers over them and bought a pair of 501’s today…She said she used to wear then all the time but hadn’t had a pair in ages and was plain she was really pleased to have a pair again.
I was in the changing room with her as she was trying some on…She had several sizes because she was trying to figure out what size would be best after it shrunk…The label, and I am not making this up, actually had sizing instructions for sitting in water while wearing them and wearing them until they dried!!!…It also had instructions, rather sensible, for those who would not be sitting in a stream and would be utilizing a washing machine to shrink their new pants, as well as instructions for those who would just be wearing their jeans without washing them…I am not making that up either.
I can’t understand this at all…Why fuss over this???…Why put up with needing a degree from MIT to reckon what size you needed to buy and I really don’t understand tolerating the inconvenience of a fly that doesn’t have a zipper???…As a long time user of pants, I don’t see the point, which is why I only by pants with a zipper that fit when I am buying them!!!…
The Wife, tho, was so thrilled with her purchase she changed into them while we were getting a to-go coffee for the drive home…She said she is going to wear them for three days to start breaking them in, then she will wash them in cold water with no other clothes, then take them out of the washer and wear them until they dry and form to her ass, her words not mine.
That seems like an awful lot of work to me…But except for my overalls, I don’t wear denim pants and I never really have…Growing up, I didn’t like how long it took for denim to break in, so I always wore corduroys and in some pretty awful colors, too.
We also bought me some underwear, too…The Wife has been making her infamous noises about me needing new underwear for over a year now…I didn’t really need them until recently, though…I had four pairs of boxer briefs, real quality stuff, that has lasted for several years and I don’t mind spending money for quality gear, so I got four more pairs.
The only problem was I wasn’t entirely sure what I was buying at first…The box now says BOXER JOCK on it, only saying Boxer Brief in really small letters…Well, hell…I asked a guy who worked there what the hell a boxer jock was and he said don’t worry, it’s the same thing…I then asked, whispering because I didn’t want the whole goddamned store to hear this, whether they, you know, came with a fly…He assured me they did…While not doubting him, I asked if could pull one out of the box and he said sure…He was right, they had a fly, key when you’re a guy wearing boxer briefs.
The whole day was fun…I even completely lost my mind and let The Wife drive for the first hour or so…When we got out for a coffee and a donut she handed me the keys, noting how therapeutic the drive was.
It was therapeutic for me, too, honey…The sheer terror completely cleared my bowels…Thank you.
We didn’t get out the door till after 11am!!!…This was because I slept till a bit after 9am, the latest I’ve slept in ages…I had gotten up at 3:15am to use the can and felt pretty good and I went to bed thinking I’d be up in a couple hours but I was wrong, I slept for six more…All told I slept for over twelve hours.
We would’ve been out of the house sooner, but The Wife could not focus on getting out the door…She said she absolutely had to vacuum the rug in the kitchen before we could even think of leaving the house so I went and gassed up the car and got the mail. When I came back she still hadn’t vacuumed and, in fact, was texting someone and her first words when I walked in the door was a query about how to spell ‘spaghetti’ of all things.
Then she wanted me to listen to something…I said no, I don’t want to listen to anything, we should be out the door if we want to get back before the equinox.
Lunch was at a fast food place we don’t have in town…I addition to the other things, we went to the home improvement store – which we also don’t have in town – and The Wife bought a pretty fancy rake for spring raking and a few of those things you screw into walls to hang stuff up on.
The Wife said she had a good time.
I really like dates with my husband…You get snacks and things…
The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.
It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.