The Diary of a Nobody – Thursday, May 3, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, May 3
A day off today…The only downside was The Wife, for some reason, didn’t also have the day off, tho she usually has Thursdays off, so I was on my own…I did squat.

There were a lot of things I planned on doing, but except for going out to lunch and a couple of other things that did not involve leaving my desk, I didn’t accomplish any of them.

For example, I planned on mowing the lawn today, Continue reading

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in 2018 Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, May 2
Had more fun at Mic’s expense today at the retailer…I report for duty after Hotel B and Tiffany was there and Mic was regaling Tiffer with some thrilling tale about God knows what…Regular readers of this crap know a Mic tale could be anything from something actually having to do with work to how men in his native Senegal get four women to his talking point of last week, wanting to install a bidet on his crapper at home. Continue reading

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in 2018 Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, May 1
Bought a new house shirt during my shift at the retailer Monday night…Except for the color, it’s identical to the one I bought a few weeks ago…They’re really soft cotton with little white dots in a horizontal pattern…These dots are connected by smaller white dots and they were love at first sight…Call it the instincts all the great ones have if you must, but I knew – knew! – these would be comfy and exactly what I need for thru-the-day putzing around the house…And I was right, too…The first one was brick red and the puppy I picked up last night is blue…Somewhere between royal blue and navy blue…Not quite either and I slept in it today while I washed the red one for just the second time…It’s surprising how smelly a house shirt can get when all you do is sleep and sit at your desk in it. 
Click here for more Diary of a Nobody

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in 2018 Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

Other Books By Gaylon

Friends, many thanks for being a reader of mine. If you enjoy reading my books half as much as I enjoy writing them, you enjoy them an awful lot.

Continue reading

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Monday, April 30, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, April 30
Crap, crap, crap.

Crap.

I thought I got off without damage in Sunday’s Great Pen Washing Episode but I didn’t…I took some clothes out of the dryer today and the khaki work pants I’d washed the ballpoint in looked like a Rorschach Test… Click here to read more

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in 2018 Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

Read We The People – The latest book from Gaylon

Friends, many thanks for purchasing We The People: Making America America Again. As noted, all proceeds go to Gaylon For Congress. Continue reading

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Sunday, April 29, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, April 29
The bad news out of the garden is the artichokes didn’t make it…The Wife reported that today and it made me sad because along with the robins the artichokes were one of our treats from last year…We let the artichokes bloom, too, we didn’t merely pluck them off and eat them when they were green…Our good fortune because boy oh boy, they put on a show blooming not with leaves but with purple thingys that stick straight up…We ended up with about 12 of them, blooming at different times, so we had purple all summer and I was so thrilled with them I personally took responsibility for watering them…Just for funsies we entered them in the fair won the blue First Premium ribbon, an upgrade from a couple of years ago when The Wife’s turnips won a red Second Premium ribbon.

But maybe the artichokes will be back…They could have left some behind after all and Mother Nature is funny that way…I mean, we don’t do anything to the tulips and they show up every spring for a few weeks…In fact, they’re all over the place now…Last week they debuted in the garden just to the side of the front door and now they’re in the front garden and the heart garden that fronts Main Street as you head into town…All are yellow, too, tho I’ll swear we’ll get some other colors as well.

For the record, The Wife has already identified a nice rhubarb that is growing immediately behind where the artichokes grew as what we are going to enter in the fair this year.

Woke up this afternoon to potential disaster…Before going to sleep this morning (see Sparrow’s Sleep Log below) I put some clothes in the wash, including the pants I’d worn to work…I was taking them out of the washer after getting the coffee on when I noticed both my rollerball and ballpoint pens at the bottom of the washer.

Crap…This could be bad…The ballpoint had been in the pants while the rollerball – a first-class instrument I’ve had for years – had been clipped just beneath the buttons on the polo shirt I’d worn…I would like to say this was a first but that, of course, would be untrue…Ol’ Sparrow is good for washing the ballpoint more or less quarterly and the rollerball every couple of years…The roller ball always survives, tho sometimes the ballpoint is ruined…Sometimes not, tho…It depends and I am not sure on what because Lord knows the washing conditions don’t change…I got lucky this time, tho, as the ballpoint came thru intact and the rollerball didn’t spill any ink, either and both should be good for further duty as is.

Then, horror set it as I sat down at my desk: where was my chapstick???!!!…Because it is kept in the same front pocket as the ballpoint and if the ballpoint went thru the wash then there was the highest level of possibility the chapstick did too because not even I’m stupid enough to take one thing out of a pocket and not the other.

And I had just put the clothes in the dryer!!!…I rushed to the kitchen because chapstick in the dryer can cause real problems…It was still in the pants’ pocket, too, and it hadn’t been in long enough to do any real damage so ol’ Sparrow got off lucky.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 8:30am Sunday morning to 3pm Sunday afternoon…6.5 hours…We are starting to spot a trend here, namely 6-7 hours of sleep on Sundays.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in 2018 Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Sunday Bottom Ten #14 – April 29, 2018

The Sunday Bottom Ten #14 – April 29, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

This week’s inspiration:

1. Trump’s Circus
Mitigating Factors: It is now plain now president’s secret wish is to be dictator…A fortnight after calling Russian President Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on sham election victory, he referred to Chinese dictator Xi Jinping as his “good friend” and called North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un “very honorable”.
FunFact: This merely underscores fact Trump has never had a substantive, long-term vision for our country….His only real talent – and he is supremely good at this – is drawing attention to himself…He should have been dismissed before GOP primaries, but a substantive, working media that vetted political candidates long abandoned America.

2. Those Zany Koreans
Mitigating Factors: Leaders from North Korea, South Korea gather on their country’s border for what even Sunday B-10 pollsters realize is a fairly historic meeting…The pair chatted about a nuclear-free Korean peninsula, ending the Korean War, gossiped about Chinese…A “new era of peace” could result in a new era of tweets for President Trump. FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” it’s tough to tell if summit will result in anything of substance or not, though both leaders seemed genuine and comfortable with each other. 

3. Commission On College Basketball
Mitigating Factors: Commission issues final report, though it ignores fact only real solution is getting rid of NCAA, which does brilliant job of simultaneously acting as pimp, whore and john, usually not particularly easy to do, even for IOC, Congress…Like you may be, Sunday B-10 pollsters still puzzled as to how Condoleezza Rice – a former member of the College Football Playoff selection committee – earned such a prominent role in college sports.
FunFact: One conference commissioner said it would have been nice if everyone could have “seen this coming”  and done something…Dude, college basketball has been a cesspool since the point-shaving scandals in the 1950’s.

4. Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson
Mitigating Factors: Navy admiral withdraws from consideration to become VA Secretary – a post his position as the president’s doctor didn’t really prepare him for – amid the usual gossip-based allegations that now attend public service…His nomination underscores a problem for the Trump Administration: a lot of positions are either unfilled or difficult to fill because few want to work for this president.
Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury: Why was this honorable man put in this situation in the first place???…Well, we know why…President Trump governs off the top of  his head and his doctor came into the oval office for his temperature and the president asked if he wanted to head the Veterans Administration.

5. Vegas Golden Knights
Mitigating Factors:  First-year NHL team setting trends left and right, becoming first expansion team to win division, sweep first playoff series and became first team expansion or otherwise to win first five (5) playoff games…As we write this, Knights second-round playoff series tied 1-1 following double-overtime loss to evil San Jose…Golden Knights currently hotter ticket than Big Elvis, Wayne Newton retrospective.
FunFact: Golden Knights still only team in NHL history which has never lost a playoff game in regulation.

6. American Top 40
Mitigating Factors: Fulfilling long-held dream, ancient episodes of iconic radio countdown show can be heard 24/7 thanks to magic of Internet…Still a treat to listen to and still fun to note The Highest Debuting Song of the Week, The Biggest Mover in the Survey, position of fave songs…Sunday B-10 pollsters still wonder if staffers received beatings after Casey graciously acknowledges the occasional mistake that makes its on air.
Listen To This: Casey’s Countdown of the Decade – The Top 50 hits of the 1970’s – remains one of radio’s very best efforts.  

7. Waffle House Shooting
Mitigating Factors:  Guy naked except for green jacket didn’t really draw much notice at Waffle House until he started shooting people, killing four before patron attacked and disarmed him after throwing handful of Bert’s Chili in his face…Shooter had past history of erratic conduct and delusions, leaving Sunday B-10 pollsters looking at each other out of corners of their eyes.
FunFact: Tough week for iconic American eatery as later in week video showing black woman being locked out of Waffle House as white folk ate inside.

8. St Peter’s Baseball (0-32)
Mitigating Factors: Six (6) days between games ensures Peacocks have more than enough rust for triumphant 0-4 week…Peacocks easily retain Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 71-game skid…Peacocks actually averaging 158 fans per game, leading Student Union to request addition of on-campus solid waste dump to increase after class entertainment options.
FunFact: Peacocks outscored 51-7 this week, their worst stretch since getting outscored 87-7 March 31, second game, through March 7, 60-2 March 25-30, 53-7 March 3-6.

9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Wow, slowest week of 2018 Spring Drone Season, with only one drone strike in past week, resulting in five (5) deaths…2018 totals now up to 72 strikes good for 298 deaths…Special Olympics withholding Participation Ribbon for Pentagon until it is known if all or only some of the deaths were military targets.
God, We Hate Your Whining: These drone strikes are against sovereign nations Congress has not declared war against despite Constitution giving this power exclusively to Congress…Congress has not declared war since it decided to smack around Bulgaria, Hungary, Romania in 1942.

10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: 191 days to go until American electorate decides whether it will keep or dismiss status quo…Until then, America will continue to be at war, as it has been every day since 1989, and spend a lot more money than it has…Sunday B-10 pollsters remain “pretty sure” America will be tossed aside scrap heap of History before half-century is out if voters do not do something soon.
FunFact: Go, contribute to Gaylon For Congress here.

Thought for the Week: …you are deluded by men who are either deceived themselves or wish to deceive you. –  Andrew Jackson

The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Ten columns Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in The Sunday Bottom Ten - 2018 | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Saturday, April 28, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, April 28
Well, ol’ Sparrow will be presiding over at least two more meetings American Legion District 14…I was unable to rustle up anyone else to run for commander and after a couple of tries I lost interest, so not only am I commander for another term, I may well be in the mood to consolidate power for a while.

The meeting was in town, so I moseyed over right after work…I was dozing off in my post commander’s office when I heard Bob, the district adjutant, trying to get in the front door…I go and let him, the door closes behind me and we are locked out…It didn’t occur to me to bring the key…Our office and meeting room are actually at the community center, so it wasn’t as if I could break the door down and jimmy a window, either, so Bob and I were stuck outside until Stanko, my post adjutant, showed up.

Bob and I are almost neighbors in our small town…He lives down Maple Street, then make a right on Washington Street and go down a couple of houses…I asked if he’d heard any gossip about what’s going on at the abandoned coffee shop next door to The Shire…He said he heard it might be an office for the company putting in some micro-houses somewhere in town but don’t quote him on that and he couldn’t impeach my theory that a car rental place will be opening there. 

District 14 is sending a resolution to the state convention…It’s the same resolution we’ve sent the past two years – it has to do with paying expense money to the district’s representative to state executive committee, who just happens to be Stanko – and we’re not sending it a third time because it’s been approved…The state has frowned on this from the start, but maybe we’ve jumped through enough hurdles this time to get it thru.

Membership is not as strong as it was this time last year…Both the post and district I command are at 88 percent of the goal set by the state and I think last year we were already at 100 percent or close to it…Stanko and I both blame last year’s successes because the state set our goals for this membership year impossibly high – Stanko can really get worked up over this, too – and while I don’t get worked up over them they will be tuff to meet.

The robins are back in residence!!!…This was obvious Friday when I did the lawn because when I opened the kitchen door one immediately scooted out of the nest… It appears they are pleased with the nest, too…Not only did they not tear down and replace the nest they built last year, it appears they only made minor changes to it, too…We’ve made two alterations to our lives to accommodate the robins…One, The Wife has turned off the kitchen porch light, so our robins can sleep in the dark…We used to keep it on all the time…Second, I left the house by the front door before going to work tonight…This is the only time during the year the front door is used on a regular basis…We leave this porch light on all the time, too.

The bad news at Hotel A is Nicole quit…I have no idea why…I thought she liked it here…Officially, I am “Sad” but not distraught…I am strong, and Mr Sun continues to rise in the east every morning.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log:  3:30pm Saturday afternoon until 8:30pm Saturday night…This is odd even for me…Five hours, after 30 hours up…Running the numbers, the totals are 44 hours of sleep for the week, with an average of 44.8 hours per week for the month..Not too bad.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in 2018 Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Friday, April 27, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, April 27
The orange breakfast blend coffee is back!!!…I am not making that up!!!

Recall I had been drinking the retailer’s house brand blue packaged donut shop knock off coffee for a while now…Happily, because it’s really good, but I also like their orange breakfast blend, but our retailer is too small to carry too large a variety of coffee and they stopped carrying it after the initial roll out…However, Thursday we were at the retailer on our day trip to get The Wife a swimsuit for the hot springs and I decided to check the coffee aisle just for funsies when voila, the orange package was staring at me!!!…We needed coffee because the blue donut shop knockoff was running low, so I got a package of the orange and it tasted really good this morning.

I couldn’t spend all morning farting around fawning over my morning coffee, though, because I had a shift at the retailer, so I only farted around a little bit before diving in on the yard…There were some delays because one, I couldn’t find the mower…It wasn’t immediately visible in the carport, so I went and checked the shed and it wasn’t there…There weren’t any other places it could be, so I went back to the carport and found under a tarp, which had been under a rake and some bottles of washer fluid…It took a few pulls of the cord to get it started, but after that it ran great.

The mower needs some attention, tho…The rubber thingy that fit over the side discharge chute broke and now all the mowed grass goes out the side chute instead of into the back where the bag is…The Wife would like to get the blades sharpened this season, too, and do some maintenance on the engine.

Before I got mowing tho, I had to clean the yard…Regular readers of this crap may – or they may not – recall a couple of weeks ago I had raked the twigs and branches on the lawn into piles but Sparrow being Sparrow, I had never bothered to pick them up…I picked some of them and put them in the trash, but I did not have unlimited time so some got raked into the empty flower bed that is against the house.

The actual mowing was more work the usual, too, because we’ve had no shortage of snow and rain this month and it was several inches high, and there were a couple of places where it was thick enough the mower protested and threatened to shut down…The grass, I am pleased to report, remains its usual eclectic mix of grasses, weeds and whole grains and now that it is cut looks pretty sharp…There is still a lot of work to do, tho.

Again I found myself speaking Spanish to a Senegalese man today…I had just reported for duty at the retailer when I realized I’d forgotten my vest, which I took home to wash…I saw Mousa upstairs near the lockers and I asked him if he had an extra vest, explaining I’d left mine at home after I’d washed it…I might as well have recited the opening lines Onward Christian Soldiers for all he understood, so I tugged at the vest he was wearing a little and said tienes otro???…This is, more or less, Spanish for do you have another of these damn things???…Turns out he did, and he goes to his locker and gets it for me…Look, when you speak as much Spanish as I do, sometimes you throw it out at odd times, even when speaking to men from Senegal. 

Had a customer do a nice job of getting snitty with me today…This guy comes to the service desk looking have one the security band removed from the headset he had just bought…I do that and he mentions it rang up at $89 but the label on the shelf said $77…You gotta check these out personally because people try to scam savings like this from time to time…It’s a pain in the arse, but sometimes the customer is right, in which case we’ll charge him the lower price…So I go and, of course, the headsets are on the bottom shelf, necessitating ol’ Sparrow almost lie down and it turns out the price he was charged was correct…The headset he’d bought had gotten switched with the product next to it, which happens from time to time…I told him he was charged the correct price…He was not amused with my decision and said this was all f*cked up and I said sometimes products get moved like this and then he asked me if I was accusing him of moving them, which was pretty much an admission of guilt on his part, and I said no, of course not, but I still had to charge him the correct price, after which he walked out in a huff.

I will be presiding over the Legion District 14 meeting tomorrow morning…It will probably be my last one as commander after serving a couple of terms…Between working a lot and writing projects and whatnot I have completely derelict in my post and district commander duties and I have already announced I will not be running for another term as post commander…We’ll see if anyone wants the district commander job, tho…There might not be any takers because it is always tuff to rustle up a slate of district officers so they may well be content with my uninspired leadership, tho I hope not.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 11:30pm Thursday night to 7:30 Friday morning…A solid eight hours after the day trip with The Wife…I needed every one of them because I won’t get to sleep again until 1pm or so Saturday afternoon.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Share
Posted in 2018 Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment
Share