The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, October 31
Had to redo my background packet for the detention deputy gig in the next county…The directions, which I couldn’t be bothered to read, specified black ink and I used blue…So I drove out to the next county this morning and get a new packet…It wasn’t too difficult to redo it, it just had to be re-written, I didn’t have to dig up any information, but it was still a pain and all my fault, too.

Since I was in the next county I could see no reason – good, bad or otherwise – not to have breakfast at our fave Mexican joint…One, I hadn’t bothered to eat before I left the house, probably because subconsciously I knew I was going to do this…The mind is funny like that…My usual quesadilla and chorizo burrito – no potatoes for Pete’s sake and extra chorizo for the love of all that is sacred – were really good, too.

My background packet is still in in plenty of time, too…There were about seven or eight signatures of mine that had to be notarized, but the girls at the desk at the sheriff’s office are all notaries public and they witnessed my signatures for me.

While I was at the window this older lady came by to pay for her CCW permit…I would think by the age of 70 anyone who really desired a permit to carry a concealed gun would already have one, but I was wrong…This lady shower her paperwork and paid her money and I presume eventually got her permit…Her husband was with her, standing – and this was pretty funny – a respectful distance behind her and he didn’t look all that pleased.

After that I went into town and renewed my driver’s license…Five years we’ve been here…Time doesn’t really fly anymore, but five years is nothing to sneeze at…The process was quick…I was the only one in line and I was done in a bit more than ten minutes…The girl recognized me, but I didn’t recognize her offhand…Turns out she used to work with The Wife at the retailer, which I deduced based on the questions she asked about The Wife…I still didn’t recognize her, but I pretended I did.

There’s a new driver’s license design, too…The print is insanely small…I see them from time to time at the resort and the names and addresses are very difficult to read, at least if you’re going blind like I appear to be…I also forgot my discharge papers, which would’ve entitled me to a veteran’s emblem on my license, which could be useful for getting discounts and out of my annual speeding ticket.

At the retailer I was in the back getting ready to go home when Dave asked me what my position on the Second Amendment was…I could tell my answer was important to him…I told him I support our Second Rights without qualification or restriction, just like I do our First Amendment rights…I could also tell he would not have dismissed a discussion out of hand, but my position is pretty cut and dry, so there wasn’t much to talk about, especially since I was about to clock out.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, October 30
Presided over my first meeting as commander of District 14 today.

There was a nice contingent from the state office there…Commander Jay and Pat the Adjutant were there, and so was my buddy Lou, who lives a bit south of here and is a state junior vice commander…They’re always at our district meetings tho.

The big news is two other junior vice commanders – we have four and are authorized as many as six – Terri and Robb also joined us…Well, now that I think about it Terri is actually senior vice commander, but they don’t always make it out, so officially it was still a great turnout from the state office.

I opened the meeting with the usual rituals, which included a prayer from Chaplain Ed…Ed is 91 and seemed surprised when all eyes went to him after I announced the chaplain will now lead us in prayer despite the fact I had discussed this with him a couple of minutes before.

Ed, tho, knows how to deliver a prayer…There are official Legion prayers we are supposed to use, and I like to use them because left to wing it some chaplains get a little too full of the Holy Spirit, but Ed keeps it nice and short.

The state officers took up the first 90 minutes or so…Jay started with suitably brief opening remarks before turning it over to Terri who spent no small amount of talking about membership…It’s down everywhere in the Legion…Except for my post and district, of course…I’m a 100 percent commander, but statewide we weren’t last year and we are expending a lot of effort to change that this year.

After the state officers left there wasn’t a whole lot of district business to conduct…We approved the minutes from the April meeting and the finance report, which included the receipt of five cents interest on our checking account…This was down from 13 cents…Then we discussed whether or not to resubmit our resolution that was rejected at June’s state convention.

I knew from experience that this could drag on and on, so I took steps to ensure this item was accomplished in a timely manner, which was what separates good commanders from bad commanders…The resolution concerns paying our district representative to the department executive committee – known as our DEC – a stipend if they travelled more than 150 miles to the DEC meeting…There was a lot of support for it at June’s state convention, but Legion resolutions have to be worded even more carefully than government treaties because it got shot down because it wasn’t worded properly…Stanko, who is also my district adjutant, talked about it for a few minutes and he could’ve gone on a while longer, which would’ve invited even more discussion, but I stepped in.

First, I thanked Stanko…Whenever a commander thanks you for speaking he is not only grateful you added to his general fund of knowledge, he is advising you your time to speak is over…I then I asked if anyone actually required the resolution to be read and everyone shook their heads no…Then I asked for a motion to rewrite and resubmit the aforementioned resolution and it was so moved and then seconded…There was no discussion and the motion passed unanimously, a five-minute evolution that without my guiding hand could’ve lasted a lot longer.

It was good seeing Lou again…He is the junior vice commander assigned to our district…He’s on the city council down where he lives and we talked about the upcoming election…He said he was glad to see a youngster like me getting involved…He did not say he would vote for me, tho…He’s pretty conservative and I may not have his vote and I know he has too much respect for our country merely to vote for me because he knows me…On the other hand, he didn’t say I didn’t earn his vote, and I didn’t ask.

There were only a couple of other items…Stanko gave a report on his trip to the national convention, which was mainly a review of the hotel and a couple of the posts shared some exciting things they were doing, like getting a new gun safe and whatnot.

What was almost interesting to find out is that the rifles we have for our firing squads are actually owned by the government…I am not entirely sure the circumstances of how we got them, but Stanko said we have to fill out a form every couple of years with the serial numbers and whatnot.

The next district meeting is in April at our small-town post.

The best part of the day was I didn’t have to go to work afterwards…Originally I was scheduled to…Well, originally, I wasn’t… A couple of weeks ago I had put in a day off form and the next day it was gone, but Tanya had scheduled me off Sunday and Monday anyway…All right…I go in last week and I was scheduled to work my usual morning shift today…Some schedule adjusting had me coming in after the meeting – I would’ve been there by 4pm or so – but Milena texted me and said we were very slow and don’t bother coming in.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow! 10/29/16

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, October 29
It’s dark when I leave for work in the morning now, so I am picking up my fave farm station out of the neighboring state…It’s on 880am and regular readers of this crap might recall sometimes does battle with the Navajo station out of New Mexico and a religious station from the coast, but today the farm station was almost crystal clear.

It must’ve been a pretty slow news day in the Heartland because the lead story was about the benefits of great northern beans…Evidently, the bean lobby paid for a study and the results suggest you can eat all the fat you want but as long as you eat some great northern beans regularly the damage will be mitigated.

This perked my interest because Pop Sparrow would make great northern beans and pork from time to time growing up…It was a rather plain meal – some boiled pork and beans was all it was, really – the type of plain meal I suspect Dad grew up on because he cooked with salt about as often as he cooked with arsenic.

Dad always raved about the meal, however…My late brother and I, tho, always thought boy, Grandma Sparrow was really mailing it in when she made great northern beans and pork…Maybe she had an afternoon snort or two while considering dinner options that day and said screw it, I’m only boiling water today…I only saw Grandma Sparrow a few times…She lived in the Midwest, and if you were making a movie and asked Central Casting for a typical small town, widowed Midwestern grandma, they would’ve sent Grandma Sparrow over.

Boy, it was Bachelor Night at the retailer last night…Recall the past couple of shifts there hadn’t been any decent bachelor purchases…Tonight tho, boy, every guy without a date waddled in…Since it’s the end of the month everyone was broke, too, so I moved a lot of the red package hot dogs and baloney, plus the 79-cent bread…The name brand hot dog buns appeared to be on sale, too, because I moved no small amount of those, too.

The Dateless Wonders also bought their share of ramen, much more ramen than macaroni and cheese, frankly, which I personally find disturbing, plus a lot of house brand soda and generous quantities of frozen pizza…One guy went thru the motions of buying some crap to clean the bathroom with, but I could tell it was just for show.

Some old neighbors at the cabins we rented before buying The Shire came thru my line…Gary and Melissa…Like others I know, they mentioned they voted for me, so the Sparrow For Congress juggernaut is up to three dozen votes now.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, October 29
Took a phone survey today…The call came in on the seldom-used land line and asked, of course, about the coming election…I pressed the buttons required to register my support for the small party’s presidential and US Senate nominees, but maddeningly they didn’t ask about my Congressional race…Had they, I would’ve pressed three for Sparrow, but they didn’t.

I’ll tell you something, this race is completely under the radar…I cannot find any polling data anywhere, which is actually good…Polls, to my mind’s eye, can turn out to be self-fulfilling prophecies…I mean, you’re reading a poll saying Sparrow has no chance you’re probably thinking well, that’s that, Sparrow doesn’t have a chance…Most people don’t like to vote for someone who has no chance, so when they see it they’ll vote for someone the poll is telling them does have a chance.

I texted the lady who called yesterday…I told her I was not anyone’s expert on horse slaughter, but The Wife knows a fair amount I don’t think we need to go killing wild horses.

Jason at work told me he voted for me, and so did a couple of others…I think I’m up to over three dozen now…What I really like is when people send me pics of their ballot.

My first meeting as Legion district commander is Sunday!!!

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

 

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, October 27
Got a phone call from a voter today!!!…I am not making that up.

Actually, this is not completely unprecedented, tho my phone hardly rings off the hook…In fact, I have my personal cell number on the Sparrow For Congress site and I am not bothered too much and there have been zero crank calls.

Anyway, this lady said she agreed with me “almost down the line” and wondered what my position was on horse slaughter…I’d neglected to put one on my campaign site.

Well, honestly, I don’t really have one…Offhand, I would say I am against slaughtering horses and I am sure our government is involved somehow, but I don’t have all the details.

Filled out the background investigation packet for the detention deputy position in the next county today…It wasn’t too difficult, but at my age employment histories can drag on a bit.

Our takeout pizza experience at the local diner was a complete mess…We ordered a large, half the way The Wife likes it, half the way I like it…I go pick it up and bring it home it it’s not what we ordered…The whole thing is one big mess…So I take it back…They make me another one…I open before leaving and they screwed this up, too…The Wife’s half is OK, but mine is the same crap they made the entire first pizza with.

– Look,  I don’t what the problem is tonight, but this isn’t what I ordered, either.
– I’m sorry Mr Sparrow…We can refund your money or make you another one.

I thought about that for a second…I really didn’t want to wait another 20 mintues and The Wife’s half was what she wanted and my half wasn’t too screwed up, so I said no, I’d take this one.

DON’T TELL HER MAJESTY WE HAD PIZZA FOR DINNER!!!…WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE EATING THE MEAL PREPPED STUFF IN THE FRIG!!!

Thank you in advance.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, October 26
I meant to go to work today, but I didn’t actually get there.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from the undersheriff in the next county…They were testing for their detention deputy position today and could I make it???…It would probably be useful for you to know I wasn’t called out of the blue  I had applied for this position last week, more or less in a huff after Alice told me I had been passed over for the promotion at work.

Well, heck…This is a pretty good opportunity, so I called Alice and told her about and that we weren’t that busy and we had coverage at the front desk…She said she understood and to come in when I could…I got to work about 1pm, but they didn’t need me, so I left.

There were two parts to the test: a written test and, if you passed the test, an oral board.

The written test had four parts and was what appeared to be a standard test for entry-level police candidates…The first part consisted of math a cop would use on the job, stuff like the total value of stolen items and what not…I am not Isaac Newton, but I have pretty functional math skills and every answered I reckoned on the scratch sheet was on the answer sheet, so I think did pretty well there.

I know I did well on the other three sections. One had to do with determining which word was misspelled in a sentence or two, or which word best filled the blank space…The third section was reading comprehension and the fourth we actually had to write a sentence or two from questions based on another police report…All told it took an hour-and-a-half and we waited for another half-hour while the tests were graded…The undersheriff said she would come out in about a half hour with a list of oral board times for those who passed the test.

Five of us did…Mine was at 11:30 so I went and killed some time…First I went to the retailer here in the next county and bought some canned food yummies for the cat…Long time readers of this crap might well recall – or they may not – the next county retailer is the only place in the tri-state area to get the canned yummies our cat favors…They must be grain free and flaked…Not pate…Don’t get her the pate or she’ll crap all over house…I went to the library, too, and pretended to read a book and I was back at the Sheriff’s Office 15 minutes early.

I give really good interview…When I walked in the undersheriff introduced me to the detention lieutenant and before I sat down the undersheriff asked me to write three words on the white board that describe.

You gotta take the context into consideration when doing something like this…You want to write things that are relevant to the situation…Neither the undersheriff or the lieutenant would have been much interested in me writing “funny” “spatial” or “slothful” on the white board…Instead, I wrote:

Patient
Firm
Low-key

I give really good interview and both the undersheriff and lieutenant were disposed to like me…I’ve done interviews where the interviewer was not…One time I interviewed for a security job in town at a nice resort…I’ve got some pretty big league private security qualifications and I was more qualified for the interviewer’s job than he was…He knew this, too…It didn’t go well.

Anyway, the interview was very friendly and chatty…I was asked if I could pick one person – living or dead – to have lunch with who would it be and I said Lincoln and we talked about working casino security in Sin City and working for the Doily Delivery Company…At the end of the interview I was given a background questionnaire to fill out and told to have it back by next Tuesday.

We’ll see.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 9 By Gaylon Kent

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 9
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

The cream is starting to rise.

Or maybe the sediment is starting to settle.

However you look at it, the Browns, 49ers and Ravens have started to assert themselves in the race for the most coveted trophy in sports, the Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten Supremacy.

Veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) know, however, that you ignore ths week’s big Tennessee/Jacksonville tilt at your peril, with the loser possibly using the momentum to make a push for a return to the Bottom Ten medal stand.

This week’s mess, as the nags limp up the backstretch:

  1. Cleveland Browns (0-7; lost to Cincinnati 31-17) – Browns show cursory second quarter interest, leading briefly before getting outscored 14-0 to end first half and cruising the rest of the way… Browns now 63rd 0-7 team in NFL history…Next Loss: New York Jets

2. San Francisco 49ers (1-6; lost to Tampa Bay 34-17) – 49ers blow 14-0 lead in type of come-from-ahead home loss that has Cleveland fan(s) looking over their shoulder…San Francisco has lost six (6) straight, best among NFL’s 31 victoried teams …Next Loss: New Orleans

3. Baltimore Ravens (3-4; lost to New York Jets 24-16) – Three (3) wins a bit more than B-10 pollsters are looking for out of a medal stand team after seven (7) games, but no team – except Cleveland and San Francisco, of course – playing worse football right now…Next Loss: Pittsburgh Steelers

4. Tie Games (0-0-1) – It’s the second decade of the 21st century and the NFL has been around for 96 years but they still haven’t figured out how to have a team win every game…Next Loss: Look this isn’t that hard…You keep playing football until somebody wins.

5. Seattle at Arizona  – B-10 Game of the Year nominee and first Instant Classic of 2016 features 16 punts, twelve points and no winner…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is only football game anywhere at any time to feature two (2) made field goals, two (2) missed field goals in overtime session …Next Loss: Look this isn’t that hard…You keep playing football until somebody wins.

6. AFC North (10-18) – Determined AFC North nabs weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division…Anchored by winless Browns, three division teams have combined to lose 13 (13) straight…Strong .500 mark in divisional play, though.

7. NFL In London – Queen Elizabeth ready to revoke treaties of Paris, Ghent after former colony force-feeds yet another thrilling 17-10  NFL game on usually fun-loving Brits…Even nation that invented soccer thought 15 punts a bit much…Next Loss: London Privy Council said to be looking into subletting future games to Wales or Bangladesh or Oakland.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4; lost to Las Vegas Raiders 33-16) – Some punts, some field goals, some turnovers, Jaguars back in B-10 pollsters good graces following usual, routine loss…With consecutive wins and a bye week, game was actually Jaguars first loss in about a month…Next Loss: at Tennessee (Oct 27)

9. New York Jets (2-5; defeated Baltimore 24-16) – Jets offense does its part, producing two (2) turnovers and a blocked field goal, but not even defense bad enough to stop Ravens juggernaut…Jets can get back in B-10 race with big road loss to Browns this week…Next Loss: at Cleveland

10. Chicago CubsForget Game 1 loss, we’ve been saying since the Week 1 survey the Cubs are a lock to break 108-year World Series drought this season…Though last few decades have been tough, Cubs actually used to be really good and are appearing in eleventh (11th) World Series, tied for sixth amongst ML teams…Next Loss: 2017…Don’t bother us now.

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New York Jets at Cleveland
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Jacksonville at Tennessee

 

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, October 25
The Wife and I did some vacuuming today…Regular readers of this crap know that vacuuming is really the only household cleaning skill I possess…I am so bad at other things The Wife even prohibited me from doing the lunch dishes because “there was something on a fork” the last time I did dishes.

We were pretty thorough…We took the rugs out back for a beating and swept and I vacuumed everything…Our cabin isn’t the biggest house in town so it didn’t take all day, but it’s nice having a clean floor.

Her Majesty reported she felt she did very well on the test I helped her study for last night…She said she is sure she got an A, tho she might have missed one tho she’s sure she nailed the extra credit question.

Her Majesty also made some granola bars…She can bake like her mother can bake and these were really good…Oats, assorted nuts and seeds all held together by honey and brown sugar…She actually made them for one of her classes at school, but she swore she’ll make some for us soonest…Her majesty ran the ingredients thru some online deal and the nutritional value was good, too, about what a commercial power bar has.

I may have put too much mayo in a sandwich…Actually, I did put too much mayo in a sandwich…This is rare…I usually put a lot of mayo in a sandwich, but I’m a mayo pro and never put too much.

Today I did…I had opened a can of tuna for a sandwich and I don’t know what the hell happened, but it ended up looking like soup…I suspect it was because I used a square plastic dish instead of a bowl to mix it in…That probably threw me off…Another tactical error was not putting another can of tuna in to even things out…I thought about it but got snitty and decided not to, so I had a pretty sloppy sandwich.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 9

The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 9
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

Next loser up.

With previously unvictoried Rice winning – albeit against a lower level school – and Florida Atlantic suffering through a bye week, the race for the Week 9 Bottom Ten medal stand was wide open. Bottom Ten pollsters have their work cut out for them, too, as nine (9) teams have lost either six (6) or five (5) straight.

The race is so tight this week, Bottom Ten staffers are preparing for the anticipated onslaught of calls for a Bottom Ten playoff, mainly by ensuring bar tabs are paid off.

This week’s mess:

  1. Bowling Green (1-7; lost to Miami, Ohio 40-26)
    Mitigating Factors: Though not only team riding nation’s best six (6)-game skid, Falcons ascend B-10 throne by virtue of strength of schedule points for decisive loss to equally lousy MAC squad…Falcons show mettle of B-10 champions sealing loss with four (4) big second half turnovers…While inability to rush the ball key, Falcon alleged “defense” setting pace, ranking Dead Last giving up 45.1 ppg.
    Some Places Have Interns For This: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Falcons can become first team from Ohio to lose four (4) consecutive bowl games in South and win B-10 title by losing out.
    Next Loss: at Northern Illinois (Nov 1)

2. Rice (1-6; defeated Prairie View A&M 65-44)
Mitigating Factors: Rice ascends win column after smacking around lower level team in first basketball scrimmage of 2016… While still in running for first B-10 title – along with everyone else in C-USA, Owls fail to solidify B-10 Hall of Fame nomination with loss to program with most consecutive losses and now just another one-win teams with problems.
FunFact: Owls now 2-1 against lower level foes this century.
Next Loss: at Louisiana Tech

3. UMess (1-7; lost to South Carolina 34-28)
Mitigating Factors: UMess fan(s) up in arm(s) as Minutemen lose coveted B-10 medal stand berth despite dutiful loss to Power 5 conference team…Game not as close as score indicated, as UMess makes things interesting with a couple of fourth quarter touchdowns against some Carolina KKK Studies majors looking to inflict some damage against some Yankee bastards.
FunFact: Minutemen lose big strengths of schedule points as only win came against Florida International team that earlier won three straight.
Next Loss: Wagner

4.Kansas (1-7; lost to Oklahoma State 44-20)
Mitigating Factors: Despite cacophony surrounding C-USA and MAC teams, defending B-10 champions stem tide with routine conference home loss….Jayhawks show usual strong finishing kick, breaking open close game by getting outscored 20-0 in final 18:25…Though road to B-10 title still murky, Jayhawks assured of third Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Carry On Wayward Losers: Jayhawks getting it done in all facets, ranking Next-To-Dead-Last in Punt Returns and Turnover Margin and ranking 121st in Rushing Offense.
Next Loss: at Oklahoma

5. Fresno State (1-7; lost to Utah State 38-20)
Mitigating Factors: Despite hot six (6)-game losing streak lack of B-10 pedigree, bribe check conspire to keep Bulldogs off B-10 medal stand….Bulldogs so unaccustomed to B-10 success, current losing skid just third time ever Bulldogs have lost this many in a row…Can tie all-time school record for consecutive losses with loss Saturday.
FunFact: Bulldogs so intent on B-10 domination, athletic director fired head coach after most recent loss, citing Week 2 win over lower level school that has prevented treasured winless record.
Next Loss: Air Force

6. Earlham (0-7; lost to Hanover 54-0)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Quakers turn in best all-round performance of 2016 to retain Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in ISIS sphere of influence…Quakers have lost 30 straight…Earlham a juggernaut on both sides of the ball, getting outscored by average of 43.3-to-10.6 in 2016…Though NCAA record book does not list seasonal mark for Fewest Yards Rushing, B-10 pollsters “pretty darn sure” Quakers current average of 24.6 ypg would “rank right up there and stuff”.
Waiting In The Wings: Fellow D-IIIers Lewis and Clark College has lost 29 straight and would probably tie for Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – if they were playing ten (10) games this year instead of nine (9).
Next Loss: at Manchester

7. Buffalo (1-6; lost to Northern Illinois 44-7)
Mitigating Factors: Loss to lower level school???…Check…Multi-game losing streak???…Check…Loss to lousy one-win MAC team???…Check and double check…Bulls show they are all in for B-10 medal stand run with the type of decisive, total team effort loss that leads straight to B-10 glory…Strong start key, as four (4) first half interceptions (interceptions) lead to 17 Husky points.
FunFact: Bulls trail 7-0 before anybody needs a deodorant as special teams chips in, allowing touchdown on opening kickoff return.
Next Loss: Akron

8. Mid-America Conference
Mitigating Factors: Dogfight for coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award between MAC and C-USA continues, as MAC garners weekly award due to obscure “what the hell” provision in B-10 bylaws…Really, B-10 fans haven’t been treated to such a close Conference of the Year race since Mexican Collegiate Athletic Association’s (MCAA) La Migra Conference and Pac-8 dueled it out in 1953.
The Long And Winding Road: B-10 staffers wondering what the deal is as beloved Sun Belt Conference has yet to earn coveted Conference of the Week award in 2016, and faces prospect Sun Belt might not have team ranked in final B-10 survey.

9. Rutgers (2-6; lost to Minnesota 34-32)
Mitigating Factors: Rutgers so bad they are in running for Bill Mallory Trophy, given to worst Big Ten football team ever…Scarlet Knights so bad they rank 14th in a conference that only admits to having ten (10) teams in no less than eleven (11) official NCAA stat categories…College football’s oldest team, calculating how many times Rutgers has lost five straight beyond the scope of even this column, but first time was during 1887-88 seasons.
Bottom Line: Only wins have come against lower level team and former B-10 perennials New Mexico…Or maybe it was New Mexico State…B-10 pollsters aren’t too sure.
Next Loss: Indiana

10. Army (4-3; lost to North Texas 35-18)
Mitigating Factors: Army back in survey, having lost three (3) of last four (4) following curious 3-0 start…Actually, all three service academies have more or less lost their minds, off to a combined 13-7 start in 2016, depriving B-10 pollsters of a season’s worth of material…Despite solid start, Black Knights of Confusion still favorites for ninth straight Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness.
Ten-Hut!: Army hindered by pregame Army Secretary ruling requiring Cadets to polish opponents cleats, fluff up shoulder pads, after each play.
Next Loss: at Wake Forest

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Akron at Buffalo
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:
Kansas at Oklahoma

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, October 24
Voted today!!!…I am not making that up!!!

Recall I did not receive my ballot last week…The Wife did…Her Majesty did but yours truly, the one actually running for the United States House of Representatives, hadn’t received his.

So I waddled into the County Clerk’s office in town to ask what the deal was…Recall I had called last week about this grave matter and the girl who took my call helped me today…She reaffirmed my ballot had been sent to the post office, but did not have a further update…She said I could wait a couple of days or I could go to Voter Services and they would print me out a new ballot.

All right…I went down to Voter Services…Actually down and across, because it’s in the annex behind the main county building, which is actually the old courthouse…Now you know…Anyway, Voter Services was easy to find because there were red arrows taped to the walls…I was expecting a regular office, but when I got there there was a full voting precinct set up, complete with several voting booths and some volunteers…An older gentleman I knew named Tom was there, sitting at the far end, away from the door and after I said what I was there for here advised me I could either get a ballot printed out for later delivery or I could up and vote right there….The classic Sparrow pause:

– I’m on the ballot you know, Tom.
– Yeah, Sparrow, we all know you’re on the ballot.

He said this with probably feigned exasperation that was pretty funny.

Anyway, if I actually went a cast a ballot today I could end the Mystery of the Missing Ballot right now so that’s what I did…I will be honest and say I had a big smile on my face when I voted for myself, a process that took no more than three or minutes as I spent most of the time staring at my name…Sue me…I am not the odds on favorite and I have not had the time to run the campaign I really wanted, but there’s still a couple of weeks left and electorates can be like juries in that you never can know for sure what they are going to do.

There were a lot of other issues, too…I voted no on the three separate tax increases for our small town…I fully appreciate the need for school busses and road repairs, but I’m a homeowner now and I am taxed enough…I also voted no all but one of the state amendments and revisions…The one I voted yes on was the one authorizing doctors to prescribe lethal doses of drugs to terminally ill folks that want to call it a day.

Closed out the day with dinner at the local diner with The Wife and Her Majesty…Her Majesty has a big anatomy test tomorrow and I helped her with the flash cards while we were waiting…Because the service is so slow at the diner, we had time to get all the flash cards in and eat our salads before dinner came…Her Majesty is really working hard and did very well…There were a couple of dozen flash cards she’d made up, each having a variety of bones on them, each labeled with a letter…On the back, which I could see, were the letters with the bone’s name next to it…She only missed a handful and should ace her test tomorrow.

For my part, I misidentified a foot as a hand.

Both of the ladies had the prime rib sandwich…I had the chicken fried steak.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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