The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Posted on December 1, 2016 by gaylonkent

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, November 30
Went and bought a cable for my new printer today…I bought a printer yesterday when I was in the next county…I bought it at the retailer when I bought the cat her canned yummies, tho I neglected to mention the printer purchase here…I have no idea why I neglected to mention it here.

Anyway, I needed a printer cable because the printer I bought was not wireless and it did not come with a cable!!!…I am not making that up….I have some zero clue why…You buy something, you certainly expect everything to be included.

I needed a new printer because I couldn’t get the old one to work…Since Her Majesty logged on with her laptop ol’ Sparrow has not been able to print…It’s wireless and generally shows my printer as being offline…Her Majesty can print her school stuff out left and right, but I can’t…Fortunately, I don’t print too much.

Since I don’t print all that much I wasn’t in too much of a mood to spend an awful lot of money on a printer…The wireless one was about $40 more than the non-wireless one, so the decision was pretty easy…I got home last night and set it up and there it wasn’t…There was a power cord but not a cable to connect to my machine.

Sigh…I called to complain about it, too, and the tech swore it wasn’t his fault, the stores made them do it which I kind of believe and kind of don’t believe…It would’ve been nice if the box had said there was not a cable included…I mean, that would’ve blown, but I could’ve bought one right then and it would’ve been better than finding out after you drove home.

I only worked a half day today…We were very slow, only a handful in and out, and there was no reason for me to be there for eight hours…Well, there is the fact that that is what I was hired to do, but the end of the month stuff I needed to get done would only take a couple-three hours….The only fly in the ointment was Araceli said “let’s do the deposits!” and they hadn’t been done for a couple of weeks and I actually ended up staying a half-hour later than I’d planned.

The Wife and Her Majesty came home tonight, too…Her Majesty bought a car but didn’t take delivery of it yet and they bought a bunch of stuff…They come home too late tho, to prevent one final, utterly bachelor dinner: two turkey sandwiches and some mac and cheese altho I did muster some maturity by eating it at my desk instead of over the sink.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 14

Posted on December 1, 2016 by gaylonkent

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 The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 14
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

They made it.

The Cleveland Browns are 0-12 and head into their bye with both the Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – and the immortality of an 0-16 season clearly in sight.

While some Cleveland fan(s) might bemoan the loss of momentum of a bye week, others say the rest from the rigors of playing twelve (12) straight NFL (NFL) games will do them well.

In other news, all eyes will be on Chicago this week, as two-thirds of the Bottom Ten medal stand meet, with the loser a shoe-in to replace Cleveland at number one for a week.

This week’s mess, as nags are at the head of the stretch:

  1. Cleveland Browns (0-12; lost to New York Giants 27-13) – Browns steady as she goes, with 58-yards rushing and three (3) turnovers maintaining perfect record in chase for B-10 glory…Browns can’t rest on laurels during bye week, as internal dissension, lousy film sessions will be key to B-10 stretch run…Browns tenth (10th) team start NFL season 0-12……Next Loss: Cincinnati (Dec. 11)

2. San Francisco 49ers (1-10; lost to Miami 31-24) – 49ers gracious guests, as two (2) turnovers magically turn into ten (10) Miami points…Big game against Bears Sunday could be for B-10 title if Browns somehow manage a win…Next Loss: at Chicago

3. Chicago Bears (2-9; lost to Tennessee 27-21) – Bears show cursory early interest, leading 7-0 before catching fire and getting outscored 27-0…Bears glad to have not gotten caught looking ahead to Sunday’s showdown in third (3rd) straight loss…Next Loss: San Francisco

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9; lost to Buffalo 28-21) – To show he’s serious about beheadings if team does not win B-10 title, owner Genghis Khan has coaching staff dressing in orange jump suits around team complex, sends them all complimentary sets of Ginsu knives…Next Loss: Denver

5. New York Jets (3-8; lost to New England 22-17) – Jets show mettle of B-10 contender, blowing two leads in impressive third (3rd) straight loss…Consecutive October wins really have Jets fan(s) wondering what might have been this B-10 campaign…Next Loss: Indianapolis (Dec 5)

6. Cincinnati Bengals (3-7-1; lost to Baltimore 19-14) – Game not as close as score indicated, as Ravens gave Bengals two (2) points on safety on game’s final play…Bengals cannot get caught looking ahead to Dec 11 showdown with Browns, as lack of focus could produce win over Eagles this week…Next Loss: Philadelphia

7. AFC North(15-29-1) – With Baltimore and Pittsburgh tied for first with 6-5 marks and Cleveland and Cincinnati mailing it in, AFC North easy pick for weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to league’s worst division…Bengals and Browns have combined to lose or tie 16 straight games.

8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6; lost to Green Bay 27-13) – Five wins a bit much for B-10 medal stand consideration, but Eagles have lost four (4) of last five (5) and can make big strides with loss to Bengals this week…Next Loss: at Cincinnati

9. US Media – Continues to report witless ramblings of president-elect Donald Trump as real news…Had a genuine, working US news media been in place when Trump announced his candidacy for GOP nomination, Trump would never have made it to the first primary…Next Loss: Our entire way of life, as nation collapses before half-century is out.

10. Donald Trump – You know, maybe it’s a bit much to expect a president-elect to have specific knowledge of the 1967 Supreme Court decision that made it unconstitutional to strip someone of citizenship as punishment, but couldn’t a staff member Googled “Supreme Court” and “Loss of Citizenship” beforehand, just for funsies???

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: San Francisco at Chicago
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Philadelphia at Cincinnati

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Posted on November 30, 2016 by gaylonkent

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 Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, November 29
A day off without The Wife or Her Majesty and I’m on my own for three, maybe four meals.

I seldom cook, so I was not up to date on the contents of the refrigerator…Some investigation showed some bacon and a carton of eggs…I know from consecutive days of turkey sandwiches that we had bread and mayo…Since I can make a sandwich out of the day’s mail, I was able to make a pretty good sandwich.

I hadn’t cooked bacon in years and I was never particularly good at it…My brother was, but I never really did it enough to become proficient…So it shouldn’t be too surprising I pretty much burned the slices in the middle of the pan, tho the slices towards the outside actually came out pretty good.

As I put the bacon on some paper towels so I could fry up an egg or two I wondered where in thee hell I was going to put the grease…I do not have the Good Housekeeping seal, but I seemed to recall The Wife advising me never to pour it down the drain…Pa Sparrow always kept an old coffee can around for bacon grease, but our old coffee cans are used for cat poop so I put the grease in a small bowl for later dispersal by The Wife …I’ve learned over the years she likes having household problems like this to deal with when she comes home…She doesn’t want the house to be a complete mess, but she liked to know she’s needed.

For this morning’s sandwich, I cracked two eggs directly into the pan!!!…I am not making that up!!!…Then I took a spatula and broke it and mixed it up and whatnot, then when it wasn’t the consistency of snot, I put it on top of the bacon and added half a jar of mayo.

Lunch was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich…Dinner was at the Mexican joint in the next county…The Wife wasn’t altogether thrilled to hear this – I happened to call her right after my final belch – because she likes the Mexican joint in the next county, too, but you leave your husband alone and these things happen…Pretty much every time, too…To justify my trip to the next county I stopped by the retailer out there to get a box of the canned yummies the cat favors…This was tenuous at best because we can now buy individual cans of her yummies at the retailer in town.

One thing I do differently than The Wife is I leave both porch lights on all the time…I can never remember to turn them on and off as the day progresses, so I just leave them on all the time…Recall we’re using green lights on the porch right now, so our house has a nice extra-terrestrial hue to it at night.

I was able to wash some clothes without assistance, but the dishes still aren’t done.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Daily Dose/November 30, 2016

Posted on November 30, 2016 by gaylonkent

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 The Day In Trump…

 The Daily Dose/November 30, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

STEP AWAY FROM THE TWITTER ACCOUNT MR TRUMP: President-elect Donald Trump was back at it this week, announcing that people who burn the American flag should face a loss of citizenship or, perhaps, spend some quality time in jail.  

This policy, announced not in a substantive forum but on his Twitter account, shows we should keep expectations low for the Trump Administration.

#LetsGoToCanada: Forget the fact in 1990 the Supreme Court said flag burning was protected by the First Amendment and that in the 1960’s they said the stripping of citizenship as a punishment for crimes was unconstitutional. These are not the words or actions of a man of substance, of a man ready to lead the United States. They’re the words of a blatherskite whose only real talent is drawing attention to himself.

Get Your Notebooks Out, Class Is In Session: Which, of course, he does brilliantly. Better than anyone, really. No one has played us or plays the media better than Trump has and will. A real, working media would’ve had Trump out of the race for the GOP nomination with 20 minutes of his announcing his candidacy, but we don’t have a working media anymore.

Gee, Thanks Guys: The media has lapped up everything Trump has said from Day One, offering his witless ramblings as real news instead of ignoring them. We have a media that is as much entertainment as a prime-time comedy and the reward for that is one D Trump is now working on his inaugurations speech.

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: Trump was an embarrassment as a candidate and there is no reason to think he will be anything less as president. The biggest plank of his platform was the insult and he offered no substantive policy initiatives. We elected him anyway.

More Exciting Daily Dose Policy!: Personally, people can burn all the flags they want for all we care. We rode a diesel submarine in the Navy to protect a malcontent’s right to protest, Because there are elements of our country that deserve protesting. We protest, too, though our protests tend to center around running for election to the United States Senate or House of Representatives.

And we’ve burned flags over the years, too. Dozens of them, though it should be noted it was in the context of a flag retirement ceremony, in our role as commander of an American Legion post.

USA! USA! Representatives of the United States and Great Britain sign preliminary peace articles ending the American Revolution on this date in 1782. The articles led to the Treaty of Paris signed the following year

The American delegation, featuring Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, John Jay and Henry Laurens, had been negotiating with not only Britain, but also France and Spain, but the French were getting snitty and in September the Americans began negotiating exclusively with the British. The treaty is generally considered to have been very generous to the United States.

Dry, Technical Matter: The United States Congress of the Confederation would ratify the Treaty of Paris in January, 1784, the British in April and everyone exchanged ratified versions of the treaty in May.

Great Moments In Boredom: The first international soccer match is held on this date in 1872 as the national teams of Scotland and England play to – what else – a 0-0 tie. The match was played in Scotland, before a spellbound crowd of 4,000.

War Is Hell: The Soviet Union invades Finland on this date in 1939 after Finland declined to turn over territory the Soviets had demanded.

Though the war would end the following year in a Soviet victory, their losses were high. The Finnish army dressed in white in the snow and the Soviets lost well over 125,000 soldiers, while Finland losses about 25,000.

It’s Raining Rocks: Ann Hodges, a 34-year-old housewife napping on her couch in Oak Grove, Alabama, is struck by a portion of a meteorite on this date in 1954.

Dry, Technical Matter: Despite the fact meteors fall from the sky all the time and there are a lot of people, Hodges remains the only verified injury from a meteorite in human history. There is an Italian manuscript laying around somewhere that states a friar was killed by a meteorite in the 17th-century and in 1992 a boy in Uganda was hit by a small fragment that had bounced off a tree, but Hodges, who received a nice sized bruise on her left abdomen, remains the only known injury.

Oh, Jesus H: The Hodges’ and their landlord then bickered about who the fragment belonged to, with the landlord withdrawing his claim in exchange for $500. The Hodges were unable to cash in and eventually gave the fragment to a local museum.

Oh Yeah: Ms Hodges later had a nervous breakdown, her marriage ended and she died in 1972 of kidney failure.

Thought For The Day: In this old world, there is nothing new but ourselves. – Gore Vidal, Creation

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: Dave Ritchie of the Montreal Wanderers scored the first goal in NHL history, on December 19, 1917. The Wanderers defeated the Toronto Arenas 10-9.

Today’s Stumper: Of the ten articles that made up the Treaty of Paris and ended the American revolution, which is the only article still in force?   – Answer next time!

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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 14 – The Interregnum Poll!

Posted on November 29, 2016 by gaylonkent

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The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 14
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Despite the fact conference championship games are scheduled for this weekend, there are still two (2) more weekends of regular season games remaining, including an entire slate of thrilling Sun Belt Conference action.

Since some of these games will influence the issuing of the Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – not to mention the coveted Bottom Ten Conference of the Year award, the final 2016 Bottom Ten will not run until next spring.

We kid. It will actually move Tuesday, December 13, after all regular season games are completed. Next week the traditional Bottom Ten/Bowl Game edition will run.

So as the ESPNCup, the Tostitos Plaque, the Continental Cup, are all getting gussied up and readied for shipment to the 2016 Bottom Ten laureates, please enjoy the now-annual Bottom Ten Week 14 Interregnum Poll.

This week’s imbroglio

  1. College Football Playoff – A BCS-type fiasco was bound to happen and there’s one this year, as outside of an SEC champion Alabama no one is a lock to qualify for four (4)-team invitational, captivating an entire country the way a real NCAA Division I football playoff never would…Thanks college football playoff!

 2. Ohio State – Buckeyes so good they are likely to qualify for CFP despite not being good enough to qualify for Big Ten title game…Thanks College Football Playoff!…Buckeyes on B-10 medal stand for first time since 1923 squad started season 1-2-1.

 3. Penn State – School whose football team probably should’ve been sent back to the stone age after assistant coach caught taking showers with ball boys, back on center stage playing for Big Ten title Saturday…Entirely possible they could win the game and not get invited to College Football Playoff despite having beaten Ohio State on the field in an official Big Ten game.

 4. NCAA Division I Football Playoff – Whoops, this doesn’t exist!!!…Despite the fact a 32-team NCAA Division I football playoff could begin Thanksgiving weekend and end on New Year’s Day, would become an American classic quicker than you could say “Electoral College” and would make everyone a pile of cash, the NCAA does not sponsor a major division football playoff…Thanks NCAA!!!

5. Continental Cup – Beloved B-10 hardware –  issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – all set to go to Division III Earlham with 33 straight losses, but B-10 pollsters want to send special shout out to Lewis and Clark College and Grove City College, who are in hot pursuit with 32 and 30 losses respectively…In fact, if Lewis and Clark could’ve been bothered to play, and lose, a tenth game in 2016, they would’ve earned a share of the Continental Cup!..Thanks College Football Playoff!!!

 6. 2016 Week 1 Bottom Ten – B-10 pollsters humming on all cylinders when they lifted the manhole cover on 2016 as no more than two (2) teams ranked in Week 1 have a chance at being ranked in 2016’s final survey…Way to go Bottom Ten pollsters!!!…Shots for everyone!!!…Thanks open bar tab!!!

 7. College Football Bowl Season – 40 bowls, 80 teams and a whopping 77 teams with the six (6) wins required to qualify for a meaningless exhibition sponsored by companies that make underwear or produce chicken and hosted by fat guys in ugly blazers…This means that once again teams with losing records will qualify for postseason games…Thanks college football!!!

 8. Dahala Khagrabari – Once the planets only third-order enclave, as a part of India that was in a Bangladeshi enclave that was part of an Indian enclave in Bangladesh proper…Making its first appearance in B-10 survey because B-10 pollsters really hurting for material this week…Two countries actually settled this matter a few years ago, as all enclaves – and there were a lot – reverted back to mother country, with displaced residents given choice of beheadings, being sold into slavery…Thanks College Football Playoff!!

 9. Trilateral Commission – Hilarious past and probably future B-10 entry has only made sporadic, recent B-10 appearances lately…Duke and Vanderbilt – long fave whipping posts of B-10 pollsters – teamed up for pretty OK 10-14 combined mark in 2016 …Only Rice upheld usual low standards, chasing B-10 title until tragic, late season loss eliminated them from contention.

 10. Louisiana – Famous Dead Person – Another hilarious joint entry turning in a bad but not bad enough season…UL-Monroe and UL-Lafayette are a combined 9-13 heading into their showdown Saturday, with the loser being awarded the Billy Cannon Certificate, symbolic of Cajun football ineptitude.

 This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New Mexico State at Georgia Southern
Lousy Conference Championship Game of the Week: San Diego Statenat Wyoming
Sun Belt Conference Thriller of the Week: Arkansas State at Texas State

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The Thought for the Day – Deng Ming-Dao

Posted on November 29, 2016 by gaylonkent

More and more this mysterious life comes together
It may take years to reveal the whole
That’s all right
I’m prepared to go the distance
                                        – Deng Ming-Dao, 365 Tao

Planning a life is tricky business. We all want to accomplish things. The balance comes in combining meritorious short-term accomplishments with the satisfaction of seeing long-term plans come to fruition.

The best way to strike this balance is to find what you were meant to do with this life and then go and do it. Our time on this planet is too short for us to squander it by not chasing our dreams. We must follow our hearts and trust our instincts because our hearts will tell us where to go and our instincts will tell us how to get there.

More and more this mysterious life comes together…

Chasing dreams provides a variety of useful lessons.

Some dreams you will catch – life’s great prize.

Some dreams will elude you – life’s great lesson.

Some dreams you will continue to chase – life’s great challenge.

The challenge comes not from the actual work involved in being on your path. If you are doing something you have a knack for, and something your heart tells you to do, almost by definition you will find that work both enjoyable and while it will be challenging, it may not be particularly difficult.

The hard part comes in doing it every day. You cannot build a satisfying life following your heart one day and not the next. You will not look back on a life well-lived by following your instincts for a few weeks then ignoring them the rest of the year.

It may take years to reveal the whole… 

Each day there are a hundred and one distractions to knock off us off our path and it takes courage to live the life we were meant to live. It takes patience to let the whole of our lives reveal itself.

I’m prepared to go the distance…

Life is relentless and we must be relentless, too. We must relentlessly live the life we were meant to live. Only by doing so will we ensure a life filled with short-term accomplishments and long-term successes. Only by being relentless will we ensure we are making our time serve us, instead of merely serving time on this planet.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Posted on November 29, 2016 by gaylonkent

America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook!

 Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, November 28
Had the day off from the resort today, but I did have my usual Monday shift at the retailer…As soon as I walked in the front door I saw Sir Thomas standing at one of the freezers in the grocery section…Since he’s going places in this company, as noted the past couple of days, I waddled up and paid homage to him…I’m careful – now that he’s training to be my boss and stuff – to always call him sir.

Bachelor Purchase of the Night was pretty easy to spot…Cheap cereal, house brand soda, a box of ramen and if that wasn’t enough, he bought the economy-sized box of those disgusting pockets stuffed with cheese and post it notes and crap in them…Even I don’t like them and I’ll eat anything…I didn’t say anything until he mentioned he and his roommates recently moved into a new pad that came with a microwave.

I figured you were single…This whole purchase has Bachelor written all over it…
I thought the candles might’ve thrown you off…

 The kid had led off his purchase with a couple of candles…I shook my head.

You can’t fool me…I was alone a long time.

He laffed.

We were busy the whole way, today…Never a big line, but always a steady stream…Lots of people buying Christmas lites and we are also moving a lot of batteries.

Every now and then you’ll get customers who bring their own bags…This can sometimes be a pain in the neck because the bags are not particularly easy to fill…They never stay open and it can ol’ Sparrow some time to figure out the best way to put stuff in but today more than one customer actually bagged their stuff for me!!!…I am not making that up!!!…This really helps, too, because invariable they stuff way more stuff in there than I would because I’m a pro and don’t want to crush their bread or mix pesticides with their lunch meat…They don’t care, tho, and it really makes the line move faster.

Mindy came thru the line today…We used to be neighbors at the cabin we rented before we bought The Shire…She still lives there and she said she was not entirely thrilled with the extra cabins the owner built…She said they are now charging $1,250 a month a rent, too…It was $825 or so when we lived there and we thought that was kinda high for a one-bedroom unit with a loft.

Which made me glad we bought The Shire and how lucky we got…Longtime readers of this crap will recall it was a huge pain in the arse, with several opportunities to say screw it but we stuck with it and got a steal in a buyers’ market.

That’s changed, too…I check the houses for sale here from time to time and prices are up – the blue rat hole across sold for almost twice as much as we paid – and we could make a very nice profit if we wanted to sell…Which we don’t…We like our forever cabin.

The Wife and Her Majesty left today for a couple of days…They’re off to a town south of here to see about buying a car for Her Majesty and she also has a VA appointment Wednesday.

Tho no longer surprising, it is still alarming the speed with which I can revert back to bachelor tendencies…There are already clothes on the floor and the over/under on How Many Meals Will Sparrow Eat Standing Over The Sink is 4.5.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Posted on November 28, 2016 by gaylonkent

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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, November 27
Dead slow at the retailer today…It was probably due to the fact the pro football team was playing a night game, a phenomenon we’ve seen before…Still, tho, were a couple of fairly decent bachelor purchases, probably stocking up for the game.

The first was a guy probably only a few years younger than me and he probably had a marriage under his belt because he didn’t have that generally unkempt long-term bachelor look. He bought one of those large “family sized” chicken pot pies and a box of shells and cheese plus some peanut butter and jelly and quality bread, probably for thru the game snacking…Another came by with some hot dogs and buns.

That was about it, tho.

Thomas continues his march to complete and absolute power…I was on five and needed change so I called the service desk and Thomas answered and said no problem to my request for fives and ones and quarters and then he dispatched Mary, his boss, to get them for me!!!…I am not making that up!!!…Mary complied, too.

I was a complete whore today, working every goddammned aisle but number one…I started out on four, but went to our beloved Aisle 5 so Aubrey could go eat…Aubrey never liked Aisle 5 until I began liking it, and she’s been there a while and is usually on 5 when I get there and she has claimed it as her own…I hate Aubrey…Still, tho, Aubrey takes marathon lunches so I usually end up with a lot of time there…I also spent time on three and two of all things

Early on at the day job Scott was at the desk whining about a new employee…Evidently this employee was not picking up on the finer points of his new job, which are not particularly difficult, tho they can be labor intensive…Scott even brought up killing him…I think he was kidding…I counseled patience.

Scott, you never want to kill your employees.

Scott grunted…He was skeptical…He found it a useful solution.

The classic Sparrow pause…I’d come up with a good line…Maybe not Line of the Year, but not too bad:

On the other hand, it’s probably not too bad an idea to let them know you’re capable of it. 

Scott laffed.

Dude, I’ve seen combat…I can make it look like an accident…Nobody’ll miss him!!!

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Posted on November 27, 2016 by gaylonkent

Visit America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook! 

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, November 26
Got to change the water jug at in the breakroom today…This is the first time I’ve been able to change it since the Mold Episode of several weeks back and I am pleased to report the breakroom water remains mold free!!!

I don’t really think it matters…I mean, who knows how long we were drinking moldy water before I discovered it and cleaned it out and nobody’s died…Still tho, it’s good for morale knowing you’re drinking mold-free water at work.

There’s a new kid at the resort, a room inspector named Zach…He has really good hair and I hate him, much like I hate Lance and Matthew, who also have great hair…However, while Lance and Matthew both have long hair – Matthew bears more than a passing resemblance to the human form of the Christian triumvirate – Zach has short, stylish blonde hair…He’s also disgustingly trim and the girls think he’s cute…I told him today I despised him for his nice hair because I have none and he laffed and said he once told a boss he had two purposes in life, to plumb clogged drains and have salon quality hair, which made me laff.

A couple of college kids came thru the line tonight at the retailer…The second kid bought some canned raviolis and a four pack of canned soup and a bowl and a three pack of forks and spoons…No knives…I thought it might be his first utensil purchase.

Is this your first utensil purchase, young man?
Yeah, I think it is…
A milestone in a life…Today utensils, tomorrow a house…The years’ fly. 

The kid nodded significantly as if moved by his first utensil purchase…I didn’t note the lack of a plate or a knife, tho.  

Nor did I tell him the years don’t really fly by anymore…They used to, but stopped, for me at least, in my 30’s…Now a year seems like a year…Which I’m OK with me…I’ve probably lived more years than I have left and there is no reason for them to go racing by willy-nilly.

There was not a decent Bachelor Purchase, tho…The college kids don’t count…They’re college kids, not day in, day out working bachelors…I don’t know where they were…Those humongous chicken pies were on sale and we’re practically giving mac and cheese away and, of course, there’s always deals on ramen.

I had a problem that required a supervisor and Thomas was dispatched…Thomas is a kid, a Puerto Rican of Asian descent, which you don’t see every day…Anyway, this customer bought six of something that rang up for $24.99 but were, according to the customer, on sale of $18.99…What is almost interesting is Thomas and I started on the same day…He’s a sharp kid and works full-time and it’s nice to see him being trained for a promotion…Anyway, Thomas solves the problem and as he’s leaving I ask him

So, you’re training to be in charge…Are you consolidating power yet?

Thomas laffed.

No, not yet.
Well, let me know when I should start bowing down

Thomas indicated he wasn’t sure there was any power consolidate, but he’ll learn…It can be a cutthroat world supervising at the retailer.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Daily Dose/November 26, 2016

Posted on November 26, 2016 by gaylonkent

Go Mount Union!

 The Daily Dose/November 25, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

HUT, HUT HIKE: Official Daily Dose Faves the Mount Union Purple Raiders football team continues their march to their 13th NCAA football national championship (a record!) today in Baltimore taking on the misfits passing themselves off as the Johns Hopkins Blue Jays.

Breakdown Segment: This is the second round of the 2016 NCAA Division III football tournament, also known as the Mount Union Invitational. Mount Union, the defending national champion, is the second place team out of the Ohio Athletic Conference after 24 consecutive championships, beaten by a fine John Carroll for the title in a thrilling final regular season game.

Johns Hopkins is the champion of the Centennial Conference, whatever that is. The Blue Jays are making their eighth trip to the NCAA playoffs and their sixth straight. Their highest finish was a quarterfinal appearance in 2009, where they were smacked around by Wesley 12-0.

Looking Ahead: The winner of this game – meaning Mount Union, of course – will take on the Alfred/Western New England winner.

Last Time Out: Mount Union opened the playoffs by naming the score in a 38-21 defeat of Hobart. The Blue Jays, meanwhile, showed a lot of weaknesses in barely squeaking by Randolph-Macon 42-21.

Getting To Know You: While a lot of Division III football schools you only really hear about when reading this column, Johns Hopkins is rather well-known and is one of the highest rated universities on the planet. It was founded in 1876 after a $7 million gift by Hopkins established both the university and the Johns Hopkins Hospital.

Dry, Technical Matter: No, we don’t why Mr Hopkins has an ‘s’ at the end of his first name, either.

Uh, Yeah, That’s A Sport: Johns Hopkins athletic department is mainly known for their lacrosse teams, which has won 44 national champions under a variety of jurisdictions and in a number of divisions since 1891. Their program is so highly regarded it represented the United States at the 1928 and 1932 Summer Olympics where lacrosse was a demonstration sport and at the 1974 World Lacrosse Championships, winning in 1932 and 1974.

Live From Hell:  Both John Carroll and Wisconsin-Whitewater – the only two teams to beat Mount Union since the Harding Administration, are still in the playoffs. John Carroll will host Wesley and UW-Wherever will host Wittenburg.

Presuming both have bribed the officials an amount sufficient to ensure victory, John Carroll and UW-Wherever would meet next week in the quarterfinals. Should one of them, somehow, manage to still be alive after the quarterfinals – and presuming none of their players got the clap from their cheerleaders – they would meet Mount Union in the national semifinals.

OH WHAT THE HELL: Thanksgiving is proclaimed as a yearly holiday in the United States for the first time on this date in 1863. President Abraham Lincoln, perhaps grateful for the Civil War, made the proclamation. Originally it was celebrated on the last Thursday of November, but since 1941 it has been celebrated on the fourth Thursday of November.

Dry, Technical Matter: The earliest possible date for Thanksgiving is November 22, the latest November 28.

“Yes. Wonderful Things!”: Brits Howard Carter and George Herbert, then rolling as the 5th Earl of Carnarvon become the first humans in 3,000 years to enter the tomb of Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamun on this date in 1922.

Carter, financed by Herbert, had been chasing this prize for years. The stairs to the tomb had been discovered earlier in the month and the tomb was best preserved of the tombs that had been excavated to date. Clearance of the tomb took ten years.

The Original Five: The National Hockey League is formed on this date in 1917 with five teams: the Montreal Canadiens, Montreal Wanderers, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs and Toronto Maple Leafs, then known as the Arenas. It’s president is Frank Calder.

The Bulldogs were broke and suspended operations before the season started, and the Wanderers did not finish the season. Toronto won a two-game, total goal series over the Canadiens for the first NHL title and then beat the Vancouver Millionaires three games to two for the Stanley Cup.

FunFact: The NHL was originally planned to last for one season, until the National Hockey Association could back on its feet.

I Guess We Can’t All Get Along: A series of coordinated shooting and bombing attacks begin in Mumbai, India on this date in 2008. Ten members of a Pakistani militant group would kill 164 people over the next three days. Nine of the attackers were killed and one, Ajmal Kasab, was arrested, tried, convicted and executed for his role.

Now Wait A Minute: Kasab was hanged, in secret, in November, 2012. The Indians mailed to a letter to the Pakastani government announcing Kasab’s death, but Pakistan declined to accept it, so India faxed it.

And You Thought This Election Was Contentious: Florida Secretary of State Kathleen Harris certifies George W Bush the winner of Florida’s 25 electoral votes in the 2000 presidential election. A complete recap of this fiasco is beyond the scope of this column, but Vice President Al Gore did not take this well, and appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, which had enough members appointed by Republican presidents to deny his appeal, giving the presidency to Bush.

Thought For The Day: The Buddha’s sacrifices are not of animals, but of the animal in the self. – Gore Vidal, Creation

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: William Hartnell was the first actor to play Doctor Who, and Peter Capaldi is the latest.

 Today’s Stumper: Who scored the first goal in NHL history?  – Answer next time!

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