The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, October 12
The big question today was whether or not our trash would get picked up…Usually we put it out in the morning because we forget at night and I was up about 8am or so and I saw the truck drive past, on our side of the street.

Crap…This is earlier than normal…I don’t know if they were just making a quick pass to see if anybody had their’s out – no one did – or if this was the only time they’d be by…Usually they come around noon or so…So I trotted outside to see how full it was, if having to go a week without pickup would cause a problem because we’ve forgotten before.

As it was, the trash was full, to the brim…Crap…I took it to the street and I worried for nothing because it was picked up at the usual time…Later, The Wife said we bribe them with a can of not-too-cheap coffee every Christmas, so they had better have been by.

Bought a suh-weet snow brush for the car today…The Wife’s snow brush from the previous year always turns up like magic but I can never find mine, obliging me to buy a new one every year.

I splurged, too…The retailer didn’t have a decent one…All they had were cheap ones, so I went to an auto parts store…This one has a scraper on one end, to get the ice off, and on the other end it has a combination squeegee and brush and not only that – and I am not making this up – the squeegee/brush rotates!!!…It can in line with the telescoping handle, great for using the brush, or it can be perpendicular to it, fabulous for using the squeegee…It’s ready for duty in the back seat, too, altho we haven’t had snow lately.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, October 12
The Wife and I went for a walk today, to the town hall to pay our water bill…We took the leisurely route, too, using the street on the far side of Main Street…The only problem was we weren’t entirely sure of the name of the street to turn on to get to the town hall, but that was an easy enough problem to solve when we saw the convenience store because the town hall is next door.

Heading home we stopped by the library to renew the book I have out…Turns out they were having a book sale, too….25 cents for a hardcover, a dime for a paperback, a steal…Unfortunately, neither The Wife or I tend to carry cash, so all we had was some loose change, enough for a couple of books…The lady there said we could take what we wanted and bring the money later…We walk home and a few minutes later I drive back with a few bucks…I give the lady a couple of bucks for the books we had taken home – this included a donation – and then went and did some browsing in the back room.

I came back with quite a haul…About eight books total…I’m a pretty slow reader and most of the books are fairly substantive so I got a year’s worth of reading for a couple of bucks…The Wife picked up a couple-three, too.

Late in the afternoon, I’m doing some writing for the Sparrow For Congress site and I’m hungry…I want a sandwich, but there’s some of the really good lasagna Her Majesty made earlier in the week and I want that, too…Tho a respectable married man now I was a bachelor for a long time and the answer came to me in fairly short order: a lasagna sandwich.

I am not making that up!!!

This is unprecedented, even for me…The lasagna was pretty thick, so I cut it in half lengthwise with each half conveniently taking up half the bread, so I ended up with a pretty good sandwich…Of course, I put some mayo on it, tho I couldn’t be bothered to eat it over the sink, in finest bachelor tradition…I ate it at my desk.

I don’t think I woulda had the courage to do this if either The Wife or Her Majesty were around…In fact, I know I wouldn’t have had the courage to make a lasagna sandwich of either The Wife or Her Majesty were around…But The Wife was safely napping and Her Majesty was off at school…It was pretty good, too…Not Sandwich of the Year, but nothing to sneeze at, either.

And this was not the first time I’ve made a sandwich with non-traditional ingredients…One time, after Thanksgiving, there was some leftover stuffing lying around and I made a stuffing sandwich – with mayonnaise, of course…I recall thinking there wasn’t much point to a stuffing sandwich…It is, essentially, a bread sandwich, which was a bit over the top, even for a bachelor with a cast iron stomach.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 7

The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 7
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

This will surprise you, but chaos reigns in the Bottom Ten this week.

With last week’s number one Rice taking the week off and unranked this week, Miami of Ohio fan(s) are up in arms over their unvictoried Redhawks being denied the top spot despite posting a tough conference loss to Kent State.

In the top spot? Conference USA! With numbers even the Sun Belt Conference is envying, Conference USA’s 5-29 major division non-conference record is good enough to top this week’s survey.

This week’s mess:

  1. Conference USA
    Mitigating Factors: Forget the prestigious B-10 Conference of the Week award, C-USA becomes first conference ever to hold down B-10 top spot…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” C-USA first alleged conference “probably since the Sun Belt Conference” to have three (3) teams who have lost five (5) straight games…Conference keeps chin up this past week with rare non-conference win, strong .500 mark in conference play.
    Commitment To Excellence: With no less than seven (7) C-USA teams past B-10 stalwarts, most conference games now official meetings of the B-10 Alumni Association.
    Next Loss: Automatic berth in NCAA Division I Playoffs…Whoops!!!…There isn’t an NCAA Division I playoff, so C-USA scheduled to lose affiliation with Velveeta Shells and Cheese Classic and Kroger Bowl Presented by Safeway.

2. Miami, Ohio (0-6; lost to Kent State 44-20)
Mitigating Factors: Redhawks take advantage of Rice bye week to become nation’s first 0-6 team…Decisive loss to lousy Kent State team sets great tone for team that’s won five (5) games since iconic 2013 squad ran table to earn only B-10 title…Redhawks haven’t beaten much of anybody lately but haven’t beaten a major division school that finished season with winning record since 2012.
Numbers Racket: Versatile Miami shows mastery of all aspects of game, ranking 120th or worse in such diverse NCAA categories as Rushing Offense, Scoring Offense, Punt Returns and Penalties Per Game.
Next Loss:
Ball State  

3. Kansas (1-4; lost to TCU 24-13)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champions still wondering what the hell is up with defense who which was pretty strong all day, intercepting three (3) TCU passes…Thank God for the offense and special teams, who throw three (3) interceptions of their own while ending game by missing three (3) field goals…With hot, new four (4) game skid following Week 1 win over lower level team, Jayhawks still on track to earn another Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
The Path That We Have Chosen Has Led Us To A Loss: While coaching staff content with Jayhawks ability to lose close ones, team really hoping for blowout road loss to national power this week in order to reestablish B-10 street cred.
Next Loss:
at Baylor

4. Florida Atlantic (1-5; lost to Charlotte 28-23)
Mitigating Factors: With pretty much every Conference USA game a B-10 showdown, Owls pull out loss despite leading as late as the second quarter…Community has yet to fully embrace Owl’s B-10 run, as only 7,401 show up for game…Total attendance for season is 36,134, about what SEC teams get for long snapper tryouts.
It’s All About The Hardware: Owls another team that can claim a share of the Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by running table the rest of the way.
Next Loss:
at Old Dominion

5. UTEP (1-5; lost to Florida International 35-21)
Mitigating Factors: Miners clear first hurdle in minefield that is 2016 Conference USA schedule, with key loss to FIU squad that had been 1-4…Miners excelling in all phases, ranking 100th or worse in no less than 13 official NCAA stat categories, including Next-To-Next-To Dead Last in Scoring Offense and 112th in Scoring Defense….Head coach starting to feel heat to deliver B-10 title, telling media “I know the ramifications if we don’t”…
Scoreboard, Baby: Current five (5)-game skid tied for second best in country and UTEP’s longest losing streak since 2013 squad lost six (6) straight.
Next Loss:
at Texas – San Antonio

6. San Jose State (1-5; lost to Hawaii 34-17)
Mitigating Factors: Stalwart offense shows way in this one, refusing to score in second half, as only SJSU points come when fumble is returned for touchdown…Though offense insured game already over by fourth quarter, defense primes for future close games by allowing touchdown, field goal in final quarter.
FunFact: After violating official NCAA policy in 2015 by qualifying for bowl game with only (6) wins, Spartans really trying NCAA patience by trying to become first ever one-win bowl team this year.
Next Loss:

7. Earlham (0-5; lost to Franklin 40-7)
Mitigating Factors: Quakers in no rush to relinquish Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 28th straight loss…Despite rushing game exploding for 77-yards, Earlham still ranks Dead Last in Rushing Offense (17.8 ypg)…Offense sentenced to extra wind sprints this week for losing shutout after producing touchdown with 15 seconds remaining in game.
We Don’t Even Have Interns For This: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Earlham only team in solar system that ranks 200th or worse in twelve (12) official NCAA Division III stat categories.
Next Loss: 
Mt St Joseph

8. Oregon (2-4; lost to Washington 70-21)
Mitigating Factors: Ducks fan(s) in celebrating as beloved team makes first B-10 appearance ever with first four (4)-game losing streak since 2006…   While Ducks still have to play Oregon State, B-10 pollsters are getting Spotted Owl Trophy – symbolic of B-10 Pacific Northwest supremacy – shined up and prepped for shipment to Eugene…High flying offense quacking on all cylinders, giving up interception on very first play and cruising from there.
FunFact: Internal bickering, finger-pointing and lousy practices key during big bye week for Ducks, who hate to lose momentum in drive for first ever B-10 medal stand appearance.
Next Loss:
at Cal (Oct. 21)

9. College Football Playoff
Mitigating Factors: While there is still a lot of time left before the CFP selection committee saves us all from having to fret over a real major division playoff, all members must be sh*tting bricks over prospects of the Washington State/Navy national title game looming on horizon.
FunFact: A 32- team NCAA Division I Football playoff could begin as late as December 3 and still finish on New Year’s weekend

10. Notre Dame (2-4; lost to North Carolina State 10-7)
Mitigating Factors: Never say die Irish back in hunt for first B-10 medal stand berth since 2007 following key, uninspired road loss…Offense on fire, punting or turning the ball over the entire first half while punt team allows a blocked field goal to be returned for game’s only touchdown.
FunFact: Irish 2-4 for first time since 1997.
Next Loss:

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: UTEP at Texas-San Antonio
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:Ball State at Miami, Ohio
Pac-12 After Dark: Oregon at Stanford

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, October 11
Warning! Locker Room Humor!

So I sashay into the bathroom at work this morning to take a crap and Jesus is coming out of the stall having just wrapped up his constitutional

Be careful, Sparrow.

I nodded solemnly and entered the stall…Jesus begins washing his hands.

Whew…Damn, Jesus, your stuff really stinks, dude.

Jesus laffed…This is a pretty good line…Maybe not Line of the Year, but still pretty good…The implication, of course, is that mine is spring time fresh…I start in on my own constitutional and as it turns out I am rather flatulent this morning.

It sounds like the Fourth of July in there Sparrow.

What’s almost funny is Jesus is still washing his hands…I am not making this up…His commitment to personal cleanliness is rather high, and he always wears gloves, as well as takes other precautions.

What, are you taking a bath out there…The water’s still running.

End Locker Room Humor Segment.

Rather early in the shift a guy came by to inquire about his wallet…We have a fairly well organized lost and found section and I checked it and nothing and I took his name and number in case it was turned it…He came back when Gabriel was at the desk and I was in the side office looking busy to inquire if it had been found in the last 20 minutes…Gabriel looked and said no…Later, he dispatched his wife to the front desk to inquire…It still hadn’t been turned in.

Look, Sir, I’ve been there…I’ve lost my wallet…I get it…But if we haven’t called you, we don’t have your wallet…Dispatching the family to check every ten minutes is not going to produce it…

In administrative news, I’ve taken over assigning rooms…Usually, the night auditor did it, but I’d grown weary of coming in in the morning and having several rooms needing to be assigned and having to work some magic, which sometimes I didn’t have…This resulted in people needing to be upgraded or downgraded or what not and once this spiral starts it’s tuff to stop.

The problem, I suspect, stemmed from rooms being assigned in random order instead of assigning those with the longest stays first…I’ve been doing it this way for a week or so and so far we haven’t had a day with more than a couple-three rooms to be assigned which, between rooms undergoing maintenance and general reservation hilarity, you are going to have from time to time…These are generally one or two night stays and you can always find a closet or storage shed for a one or two-night stay.

Finally, a decent Bachelor Purchase of the Night at the retailer…This older guy who gave the impression he’d been living alone an awfully long time came thru with lots of great stuff…Leading off was a five-pack of macaroni and cheese…The Leading National Brand (LNB) too, not the cheap stuff…And the stuff you have to go thru some effort to make, too, not the crap where you merely have to squeeze the cheese out of a packet.

I held the pack up and tapped it, nodding knowingly…No words were necessary…We both knew…He was going with quality…He was not one to spend willy-nilly on other things, tho…His soda was the house brand and if you’re visiting his pad I wouldn’t go using the bathroom because his cleaning supplies were not LNBs…Neither did personal hygeine appear to be a top prioroty…But he’s eating well, at least.

Policy at the retailer is ID anybody purchasing smokes who does not use a walker…This means virtually everyone gets ID’d…Some take this better than others…Some sigh and roll their eyes but this one lady – who was plainly over 18, but under our threshold – took it very well:

– Ma’am, may I see your ID, please…I’m sorry.
– Oh, I love you…Thank you, young man.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, October 9
Had a very good interview today with Alice the GM for the guest services manager position…It’s been vacant more often than not since I’ve been here and she is anxious to fill it…There are a couple of other candidates, Gabriel, one of my desk clerks and someone from outside and Alice said she hopes to have an offer to someone late next week which translated probably means April….I will be patient.

I was talking with Ariel and Desiree in the side office today about Monday being a holiday…I had asked which one and had completely forgotten about Columbus Day…We all agreed it was a lousy holiday and should be exchanged for another one…My personal fave is July 20th, the anniversary of the first moon landing…Apollo 11 is one of my earliest memories and I’ve always wondered why we didn’t go to Mars and why July 20th isn’t a national holiday is beyond me.

This little chat came right after I rolled on a domestic dispute call…I am not making that up!!!…I used to roll on these all the time working security in Sin City but it’s the first one here…A maid had gone to clean a room that was supposed to have checked out and when she got there she heard yelling and screaming and it wasn’t cheering for a football team…By the time I got there, however, they had already headed out.

The excitement at the retailer today came in the break room…I waltzed in to sit down for 15 minutes and Big Ed was there…I asked Big Ed how he was and he said he was living the dream because he got to sell guns for a living…All right…Great…He then set his box of Cheex-Itz in front of me and ordered me to help myself while he brought me up to speed on his life-long love affair with firearms…As it was, I like Cheez-Itz, a lot, and I had my share…In fact, I had so many I felt obliged to drum up some gun conversation myself, so I advised Big Ed I had actually never fired a weapon till the Navy…He nodded and offered me more of his snack.

Right then Felicia and some girl I don’t know led Tommy in because he had just had a seizure…The Wife had talked about Tommy before so I knew he was prone to have them…The good news was Felicia had been right there and was able to catch him before he did any serious damage to himself and by the time they got Tommy in a chair he was reasonably coherent…Big Ed even gave up his chair, tho he did not offer Tommy any of his Cheez-Itz.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, October 8
There was not a decent Bachelor Purchase of the Night at the retailer!!!

I am not making that up!!!…I don’t know what the hell happened…I mean, I was there for my four-hour shift and there were customers, but there were no single dudes buying frozen pizza or mac and cheese or muscle mass powder and condoms or anything…I know they didn’t have dates…I don’t know what happened…Maybe they were all stocked up from last week’s ramen purchases…I just don’t know.

Actually, I do know the reason: I spent most of the night on Aisle 3 instead of Aisle 5, and this messed with the natural order…Evil Ms Aubrey was on Aisle 5 and the only time I got any time there came on her lunch hour and her break.

Here’s the latest on our algae-infested water cooler:

The water bottle on the cooler needed to be changed so I took the opportunity to show Alice the GM the bright green algae…Finally, some concern – and from upper management, no less – over the safety of our water supply…Recall Jason the Maintenance Manager and the Water Bottle Guy just waved it off as if the bright green slime in the cooler was a tasty additive and not a photosynthetic organism conducting cell division.

Anyway, Alice took a look at it and didn’t like it any more than I did and even said she had overheard me talking about it with the water delivery guy yesterday and had stopped taking water from it.

Since the bottle needed replacing, I drained the cooler of the remaining water and wiped down the plastic thing inside…I was hoping to take it out and wash it, but it wouldn’t come out…I got most of it off so we’re algae free for a while, but it will come back.

I then replaced the water bottle…No one’s died yet, so I guess we’re OK…For now, at least…I’ll keep a look out for any employees doubling over with stomach pain.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, October 8
I’m involved in a pretty minor pissing contest with the managing editor of a paper in the southeast part of the district.

It started when one of our US Senators, who is up for reelection, cancelled his appearance at the paper’s candidate’s forum on the 20th…The editor got his shorts in a knot over this and wrote a column about how it was sooo important for candidates to face each other in a public forum.

So I emailed him and said that was the very reason I should be included in his forum.

He wrote back saying comparing my campaign to a US Senator’s campaign is like comparing “apples and oranges”.

I replied saying apples and oranges were both available at the store and that the produce manager does not keep one of them hidden from the public…A pretty good line, if I do say so myself…So far Mr Managing Editor has not replied to this.

It was pretty slow at work today so just for funsies I did some research and for ten grand or so I could a billboard up pretty near his office demanding my inclusion in his lousy debate…I don’t have ten grand and am unlikely to raise it, but it was fun checking it out.

I have got everybody at work saying Code Four, even when I’m not there…When I worked he security racked in Sin City Code Four was, well, code, for OK, no further assistance required, that sort of thing…I use it at the front desk all the time, usually when asking a subordinate if we’re Code 4, but at other times, too…Araceli, the Assistant GM, even uses it when I’m not there.

Proof of that came today…We have a new girl, Leah, starting and we were at the desk and I asked Desiree if we were Code 4 and turned to explain to Leah what it meant but she waved a hand and said Araceli had already explained it to her.

I have an interview Sunday with Alice for the Guest Services Manager position…We’ll see.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, October 8
The guys were here delivering water today, so I pulled one of them aside and asked about the algae I noticed growing inside the cooler last week.

The guy was short and squat and needed a shave and was wearing a ball cap and was not particularly attractive…If you were directing a movie and requested a water bottle delivery guy from central casting, they would’ve sent him.

Anyway, I asked him if he had a second and he followed me back to the break room…He seemed surprised to be facing an in-the-field query from a customer.

Unfortunately, the cooler had a full bottle on it, so I couldn’t show him the bright green stuff growing inside…I asked him about it, tho, and he had the same casual attitude about stuff growing in the employee water cooler that Jason the Maintenance Manager did.

Aw, don’t worry about…It’s just algae.

Look, I am not a worrywart, but it’s algae for Pete’s sake!!!…Slimy green stuff!!!…In our water cooler!!!

As a Supervisor, I have some responsibility for providing a healthy workplace for those under my command…I seem to be the only one bothered by bright green algae in the company drinking water, however…Lord knows the delivery guy wasn’t…He made a wiping motion with his hand suggested we just wipe it off…Then he compared it to the algae that forms on rocks in rivers and streams…I did not find this comforting at all.

Nobody, however, has keeled over from drinking from the cooler, including me…Nobody has complained of worms in their intestines or had crawly things coming out their ears.

Had some fun with Scott…Recall Scott was in the Army over in the Sandbox and we like to poke fun of how lousy the chow was over there…Today for lunch I had, among other things, a thing of yogurt that I was obliged to eat with a fork because there weren’t any spoons in the goddamned break room.

Hey Scott…You’ll appreciate this: I’m eating my fancy-pants yogurt with a fork…We’re out of spoons.

The classic Sparrow pause.

Really roughing it today… 

Scott laffed…Actually, he also invited me to perform a physical impossibility on myself…Then he laffed.

The cat is, finally, starting to warm up to Her Majesty…She seldom hisses at her anymore and today she was sitting in the window when Her Majesty drove up…The car then leaped from the window and went to wait for her in the kitchen, just like if myself or The Wife had pulled up…Of course, she hissed at her once or twice once she was inside, but going to meet her is a big improvement.

Recall Her Majesty is taking a nutrition class…Tonight she showed off her knowledge…We had burgers for dinner and Her Majesty asked me if I wanted spinach on mine…Of course I said no…She advised me spinach has assorted nutrients – none of which I’d heard of – that help fight cancer.

I looked at her, and at my burger, which had a fair amount of carcinogenic mayo on it.

I’ll risk cancer tonight…It’s OK.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, October 5
Regular readers of this crap know I am a small party’s nominee for Congress this year…Two years ago I was their nominee for the United States Senate, something it still gives me a great deal of pride to say…We got more votes than any other small party candidate ever got in a US Senate election in this state, which wasn’t too bad, either.

Anyway, I’d be lying to you if I said Sparrow For Congress has caught lightening in a bottle…We haven’t, but I did do an interview today with a reporter at a newspaper well south of here…In fact, the city it serves a full eight-hour drive from The Shire…I wasn’t kidding when I said this district was the largest in the Union that wasn’t an entire state.

We had a nice chat…His first question was what separated me from the major party candidates???

That was easy, I told him: I am the only peace candidate on the ballot. It’s true, too…I am the only candidate who has pointed out country has been at war continuously since 1989 and the only one who wonders what kind of world we’d have if we had been at peace all those years.

Then he asked my positions on the usual issues and the conversation went very well…He said he wasn’t entirely sure when the profile would run, but he’s let me know.

Spent some quality time in the yard with The Wife today, mainly getting it ready for winter.

The big news is I mowed the lawn!!!…I am not making that up…Recall I’d lost interest in mowing the lawn long about August so this was the first time I’d mowed the lawn in weeks, tho The Wife mowed it a couple of weeks ago…This might be the last mowing of the year…We’ll see…It’s getting colder at night and the lawn should be going dormant soon…Or it better be going dormant soon, goddammit…We left the mower out, just in case.

We also got the snow blower out, so both that and the mower are taking up space in the carport…And we got the snow tires out…The Wife also applied some of that winter fertilizer/weed killer to the rest of the lawn today…We’re pretty sure it’s working…The grass where she applied it last week is greener and there appear to be fewer weeds, but what do I know???…It could also be the immense amount of rain we’ve had the past few days, too.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 6

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 6
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

Yes, Bottom Ten pollsters are aware the race for most coveted trophy in sports – The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is a long one.

But you can forgive them for feeling giddy. Between the still winless Browns and the hard-charging Chargers, the race for the 2016 Bottom Ten medal stand threatens to become the tightest in memory.

This week’s mess, as the nags are in the clubhouse turn:

  1. Cleveland Browns (0-4; lost to Washington 31-20) – Showing the mettle that leads directly to B-10 glory, Browns overcome two (2) deficits before blowing lead in fourth quarter…Browns perfect at the quarter pole, and while it might be too early to be talking perfection they’re the Browns, so it might not be, either……Next Loss: New England

2. Detroit Lions (1-3; lost to Chicago 17-14) – Offense in top form, producing two (2) field goals as only touchdown comes on late interception return…Special teams claiming moral victory, citing better net punting average, 45.6 yards to 14.0 yards……Next Loss: at Philadelphia

3. San Diego Chargers (1-3; lost to New Orleans 35-34) – Chargers trumpet ascension onto B-10 medal stand with the type of morale-depleting come-from-ahead home loss that leads straight to, well, the B-10 medal stand…Offense chips in with two (2) fumbles and an interception on final three drives while defense allows two touchdowns in final five (5) minutes …Next Loss: at Oakland

4. Tennessee Titans (1-3; lost to Houston 27-20) – Proving that special teams are one-third of B-10 success, Titans fall behind for good on third quarter punt returned for touchdown…Would’ve also had a blocked punt returned for touchdown had the goddamned refs not mistakenly blown the play dead…Next Loss: at Miami

5. New York Jets (1-3; lost to Seattle 27-17) – Three second half interceptions lead to ten (10) Seattle points, as Jets show they’re in B-10 race for long haul…Jets so bad fan(s) insist team play four (4) of next five (5) game on road in order to recover from this one …Next Loss: at Pittsburgh

6. NFL Usual Pete Rozelle Award – issued NFLS’s worst division –enjoying a bye week as B-10 pollsters pay homage to league intent on proving old adage that on any given Sunday most teams can go out and suck eggs, as 43 percent of league has zero (0) or one win…Next Loss: test

7. San Francisco 49ers (1-3; lost to Dallas 24-17) – 49ers have lost three straight as QB Colin Kaepernick vows not to stand for national anthem until 49ers claim spot on B-10 medal stand…Next Loss: Arizona (Oct. 4)

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3; lost to Denver 27-7) – Mother nature not even cooperating as lightning storm only delays inevitable, instead of striking Broncos sideline as requested in work order…Big divisional test against reeling Carolina squad will show if Bucs are B-10 contenders or pretenders…Next Loss: at Carolina

9. Carolina Panthers (1-3; lost to Atlanta 48-33) – Game not as close as score indicated, as Panthers break out to 14-0 and 34-10 deficits before Falcons put in some free agents trying out for scout team…Big divisional test against reeling Tampa Bay squad will show if Panthers are B-10 contenders or pretenders…Next Loss: Tampa Bay

10. Chicago Cubs (103-58) – Inevitable march to first World Series title in 108 years begins Friday against whatever hapless misfit makes it out of NL wild-card game…B-10 pollsters so confident of Cubs win they bet entire bar tab on them…Next Loss: 2017

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Tampa Bay at Carolina
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Tennessee at Miami
Let’s Screw FOX II: Detroit at Philadelphia

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Posted in The Bottom Ten - 2016 | Leave a comment