The Diary of a Nobody – Wednesday March 28, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday March 28
Went for a full shift at the retailer after my shift at the hotel this morning…Those of you keeping score at home might be scratching your heads telling yourself that’s a long day and it is because when I get home about 7pm or so Wednesday night I’ve been up since the previous afternoon…I’m pretty strong, tho, not to mention used to it, so I handle it pretty well, but I will sleep really well tonight…

I’ve been promoted at the retailer, from mere cashier to mere service desk associate…It mainly involves handling returns, cashing checks and wiring money, mainly to Mexico and Jamaica and here in the states…I work about 25 hours a week there, too, about double what I used to.

It was pretty slow early on and Mic and I were talking about something or another and he started talking about his native Senegal…We were talking about women, actually, and he said one woman wasn’t enough for a man and in Africa you got four women and his tone implied your four women were issued to you at the supply hut or something…English is Mic’s seventh or eighth language, by the by, so he is sometimes tuff to understand and from time to time I’ll talk with him in Spanish if our chat isn’t going to be too long.

Got some time today on my old stomping grounds, Aisle 5…There were no bachelor purchases, it wasn’t Saturday night so the lonely hearts were either squirreled away in mommy’s basement or they were manning the convenience stores, but I did get to use my classic “are these snacks or a meal plan line” one woman who bought chips, more chips and a big box of Cheez-itz.

I forgot to mention that I met the new GM at the hotel when I went in Tuesday night…His name is Hadeesh (it is possible, perhaps likely, that I am misspelling that, but here merely said his name and didn’t write it out for me but the pronunciation is right so lay off) and no one, including Hadeesh, is entirely sure if he is permanent or not…The old GM left last week…His name was Dave and he was a pretty good guy…Ran a good shop and was low key and funny.

Janis had left me some food, too, when I went in Tuesday night…You run into this sometimes in the night audit racket: the clerk working swing shift leaves you something…Tonight’s haul was a couple of slices of pizza and a few BBQ wings, which isn’t too bad…There was also a salad, but who cares about that???…Not ol’ Sparrow.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody 3/27/18 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, March 27
I will say this about the cat: she does not wake me up to eat….She realizes I keep odd hours and that a growing boy like me needs his rest…For example, working overnights now I sleep during the days a lot…Like today…I got home after work and actually stayed up till 10am or so farting around because I had slept a lot the night before…I woke up around 7pm, too, a couple of hours past the time when I’m usually up, and she was patient.

Of course, the second I stirred she was on the prowl…Literally, the instant I shed the covers there she is trotting into the bedroom, meowing, the first couple greetings for the day but following that are demands for dinner service…And I produced it, too, don’t doubt that…Well right after getting coffee ready, of course, cause nothing gets in the way of AM coffee…Or, at need, the morning constitutional…But yummies do take precedence over turning on the computer on if you can believe that.

Did a second Sparrow For Congress video after work…I took up a minute of your time talking about trusting your instincts and if your instincts told you our country was on a collision course with peace and prosperity go watch another candidate’s video but if your instincts told you we’re screwed, you’ve found a home at Sparrow For Congress…I added the line from the first video about it being time for us to send a message to rest of our state and the rest of our country that the Third Congressional District was demanding better this Election Day…It’s a pretty good line and I’ll probably use it every time I open my mouth because one of the lessons Hitler taught was the key to success was to say the same thing over and over.

Speaking of coffee, the Wife and I, not for the first time, have separate coffee pots…She is stubborn and insists on drinking coffees that are an instant high…Well, longtime readers of this crap know ol’ Sparrow prefers something mellower, like crack cocaine.

Anyway, a while back at the retailer, I noticed they had a variety of new house brands…Not only that, they were colorfully packaged, so I bought a package of their breakfast blend and donut shop knockoff…Both were really good and I was alternating them when they stopped carrying the breakfast blend because it didn’t sell very well…So now I drink the donut shop knock-off regularly while the Wife drinks crap that has such a high caffeine content that it comes encased in concrete.

The donut shop knock is a pretty good replica of the real Dunkin Donuts coffee that is really my All-Time Fave, but it is more than twice as much as the knockoff…Now, the Wife and I are not broke but I appreciate the savings and the coffee is really good, so what the hell.

The Wife is spending the week with her daughter, so I cleaned the cat box, too.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody 3/36/18 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life.

Monday, March 26
Made the first Sparrow For Congress video today…Now, I know from past campaigns that no one gets really too worked up about anything until after Labor Day, but this country is so fractured and divided right now there is no reason to wait to try and make some noise, especially in this day and age when Facebook or Twitter can make you famous overnight…And especially here in District 3, where a full one-third of voters are independents and who, almost by definition, are looking for something other than the status quo.

Today’s video triumphantly heralded my nomination this past weekend, plus I came up with an inspired line about how the time has come for the 3rd District to show the state and the nation they are demanding better this Election Day and what better way to demand better than to send ol’ Sparrow to Congress…I’m keeping them short, too, ideally less than a minute and never anymore than 90 seconds because attention spans aren’t all that long anymore.

The Sparrow For Congress website is up and running, too…Completely redone because the goddamned app I used on my desktop is no longer being supported by its developer…I actually noticed this a couple-three months ago and it was a modest pain in the neck, but I eventually went with a pretty common website provider…I selected a theme and added my content and it was actually pretty intuitive once I got the hang of it.

Sparrow For Congress videos would probably go over better if I wasn’t so damned unphotogenic…Now, I didn’t say ugly…I’m pretty easy on the eyes…But I look lousy on camera.

Went back to work at the hotel tonight…I’ve been working the night audit at a small hotel in town for over a year…It is a lot fewer headaches than the timeshare some of you might recall I worked at and there isn’t a whole lot of work to do, so I have a lot of time to write, which I’ve been doing a lot more of lately…Anyway, the computer problems that existed before I left for the convention have yet to be fixed!!!…I am not making that up!!!..Janis said the new computer will be here tomorrow, but you can believe that if you want.

As it is, with the main computer down we are doing our work on computer #2, which is off to the side of the front desk which made for a tedious night’s work because some of the files that were on Computer 1 aren’t on Computer 2…Plus, I have to scan some things and on C-2 I can only scan one page at a time and on C-1 you can scan the whole batch…Also, the printer chose tonight to have a paper jam every five goddamn minutes tho I brilliantly solved this problem by switching from the paper in the blue package to the paper in the green package…I am not making that up!!!…That actually solved the problem…There were no more paper jams after that!

Also, Dave the GM left last week…He had been scheduled to leave for a while, but I think the hotel he was going to transfer to was sold or something…I’m not entirely sure, and while I like Dave, he’s pretty low key and funny, like me, I didn’t want to pry.

I am still working at the retailer, too…I suppose it is a lot of hours each week, but I don’t work too hard and I take care to get my rest, so I am seldom tired.

Got a workout in, too, today…I ditched my membership at the gym in town because it was tough to get there regularly and signed up for the gym here in our small town…It’s a pretty good gym, but I don’t get in there all that regularly either, but I got in there today…I didn’t get Workout of the Year in though, but after eating like an oink-oink this past weekend I wasn’t entitled to Workout of the Year.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Sunday March 25

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, March 25
Earned the Minor Party’s nomination for the United States Congress (again) today…Longtime readers of this crap will recall I was their United States Senate nominee in 2014 and in 2016 I tried for their US Senate nomination again but so did Lily, who grew in under Chairman Mao in Communist China. That was bad for ol’ Sparrow because people love stories like that and we were headed for a primary election when I said eff this noise, I might lose a primary and be off the ballot completely and caved in and accepted the House of Representatives nomination for District 3.

So this will be my third time on the ballot and it’s good to be back…I believe there is a place for me to do some good for our country and I’ve gone from a complete novitiate to someone with almost a modest clue about what to do…Throw in the fact this country is a complete fiasco right now, that virtually every voter is pissed and disillusioned and there is no reason Sparrow For Congress cannot make some noise this year.

The Minor Party still has trouble rustling up candidates so, like virtually every other candidate I was nominated by acclamation….What’s almost interesting is when the guy put the spreadsheet of candidates up on the overhead screens my name was not listed for District 3, one Jennifer Tew’s name was listed…Who the hell is Jennifer Tew, I wondered???…I wasn’t particularly worried because my theory is what is meant to happen in this life will happen if you let it and if my nomination was meant to be not even Jennifer Tew cold stop it…As it was, neither Ms Tew nor her representative could be bothered to show up so I was the only nominee…Had she shown up I would have taken her out back and broken her legs and told her to run for dog catcher or water commissioner or something.

I ate like a pig the entire weekend…First, on the way out Friday (it’s a four-hour drive to the big city from The Shire) I stopped at Fave Fast Food Joint A and had their biggest burger and that night Cousin Mike and Barb took me to this burger place where Mike said they had a half-beef, half-bacon patty…He lied, it was actually a 60/40 beef/bacon split but I quibble….Saturday Mike and I had breakfast at Waffle Planet, the dive 24-hour joint that I love dearly and Saturday night was the banquet at the convention which was pretty good…Sunday I had breakfast with the state American Legion commander – I still command my Legion post and district – and before fleeing town Sunday I celebrated my nomination with not one, but two burgers at Fave Fast Food Joint B…Throughout the weekend I supplemented this – not that it needed supplementing – with a hot dog and a taquito at convenience store near the convention hotel.

I raided Cousin Mike’s booze Saturday night when I got back from the convention…My room is in the basement and so is Cousin Mike’s booze, so he didn’t know his booze was almost all gone until I bragged about it this morning…The cheap stuff was up front, Jack, Dewars, Phil’s Yak Piss, stuff like that…I noticed a bottle or two in the back, in the shadows under the cabinet, and some investigation showed it was quality stuff, so I poured a couple-three inches…Glen Fart, or something like that…30-years-old, a single malt from the Scottish highlands…Now, I am not Mr Scotch, but even an idiot like me knows that is primo stuff and boy, it went down really nice.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

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The Sunday Bottom Ten #10 – April 1, 2018

The Sunday Bottom Ten #10 – April 1, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Damn, up to Sunday Bottom Ten #10 already. This says something, though Sunday Bottom Ten pollsters “pretty sure” they don’t know what it is.

This week’s mess:  

1. China/North Korea Visit
Mitigating Factors: Chinese, North Korean dictators gather for dictator summit in Chinese capital this week…China’s Xi Jinping now able to hold head high after recent dictator-for-life pronouncement by Chinese legislature, praises North Korea’s Kim Jong UN as kind of young, up-and-coming dictator the world needs right now.
FunFact: Two leaders meet while democratically elected president of the United States left to stay home to bitch about budget he just signed…Trump saves face by Tweeting, of course, using top secret decoder ring to send messages to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

2. Sacramento Shooting
Mitigating Factors:  Shooting of black man – armed with cell phone while invading grandma’s backyard – takes expected turn as autopsy shows police shot Stephon Clark six (6) times in the back…Not too surprising as police mistook cell phone for gun so it would follow they couldn’t tell front from back.
FunFact: Baton Rouge police officer who shot black man selling CDs in 2016 fired this week but has yet to face criminal charges…It doesn’t matter because he’d be acquitted anyway, but Alton Sterling was shot while pinned to the ground.

3. Facebook Privacy Fiasco
Mitigating Factors: Questions still abound about Facebook’s privacy policies following data-sharing, election meddling scandals, though most users remain focused on cat videos, lunch plans….We’ve said this before: if us Americans are gullible enough to let halfwit Facebook posts sway our vote then we deserve what we get at the polls.
The Bottom Line: The responsibility for our government is ours…Not the Russians, not the NRA or anybody else’s…It is ours…And we used it to elect Donald Trump!!!

4. Gaylon For Congress
Mitigating Factors: Colorado Libertarians once again fooled into nominating hack creator of Sunday Bottom Ten, other crap, for Congress…While Constitution only mandates some age, citizenship, residency requirements party officials desperately, failingly, scoured bylaws for others, hoping to avoid repeat of 2016 fiasco.
FunFact: Gaylon’s claim that America will be tossed aside History’s scrap heap by time half-century is out mostly ignored right now.
Editor’s Note: Gaylon’s campaign website is www.thefreedomtrain.com. Go, contribute now.

5. US/Russia Relations
Mitigating Factors: Current US/Russia relations so bad Cold War US/Soviet relations looking like pep rally by comparison…Russian relations with everyone sinking like a stone after US, allies, Russia play tit-for-tat, expelling dozens of diplomats over suspicious Russia poisoned ex-spy, daughter in Great Britain.
FunFact: Wholesale expulsions so total diplomatic pouches now containing Windex, spare vacuum cleaner bags as worldwide diplomacy now in hands of cadre of Peruvian cleaning woman.

6. Trumps’ Circus
Mitigating Factors: This week’s fiasco sees Trump firing VA Secretary, brilliantly setting organization up for future failures as Trump nominates respected, personable Navy Rear Admiral for post…A long-time White House physician, Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson expected to quickly fall on sword as he has no experience administering anything more than some navy corpsmen collecting specimen samples.
On The Other Hand: Never underestimate a sailor behind the 8-ball as navigating uncharted waters is what sailors do.

7. Racism In America
Mitigating Factors: With blistering police shooting unarmed black men numbers, America still setting worldwide racism pace…With 50th anniversary of MLK assassination coming up, Associated Press poll shows blacks still believe they are getting raw deal in America, while most whites think everything is hunky-dory.
FunFact: Concurrent KKK poll shows 100 percent of grand wizards agree America not quite as racist as it could be, vowing to step up voter suppression, cross burning efforts. 

8. St. Peter’s Peacocks (0-15)
Mitigating Factors: Peacocks continue blistering pace, extending losing streak at 56 games, easily retaining Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO…Peacocks strut stuff with brilliant 0-6 week that saw them get outscored 92-4 with four (4) shoutouts and 49 consecutive scoreless innings…Peacocks  offense so anemic  hit by pitch (11) second biggest offensive threat behind single.
FunFact: In hopes of stemming tide, Peacocks looking to sneak in a couple of exhibitions against Kansas City Royals this week.

9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Stellar week for US military, with ten (10) more drone strikes in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen yielding over 260 more deaths…Considering past history, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” almost all deaths were military…By reaching magical 50 strike mark before April 1, Pentagon announced military will get bonus of five (5) extra drone strikes before summer is out.
FunFact:  Despite fact attacking a sovereign nation is act of war, US Congress has yet to declare war on Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia or Yemen…In fact, Congress had not declared war on anybody since 1942.
Source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism

10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: With 218 days to go until 2018 midterm elections, American voters limbering up to toss aside the status quo on November 6…Hopefully, because if America continues with perpetual war and mindless debt America will be tossed aside History’s scrap heap before this half-century is out.
Closed Circuit For Voters In Colorado’s Third Congressional District: With Gaylon on the ballot for the United States House again this year, District 3 voters have excellent chance to say “What the hell” and elect first Libertarian to Congress.  

Thought for the Week: Wisdom came to him not by nature, but by trials. – Will Durant, The Story of Civilization: The Reformation, regards Martin Luther

The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.

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The Sunday Bottom Ten #9 – March 25, 2018

The Sunday Bottom Ten #9 – March 25, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

This could easily have been the Sunday Bottom 19.

Let’s dive right in.

1. Trump’s Circus
Mitigating Factors: This week presented usual fiasco of departures and continuing investigations all led by man-child whose only real talent remains drawing attention to himself…He has never had cogent, long-term vision for this country so why should we expect one now?
Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: Trump Policy of the Week Award goes to penalty for drug dealers proposal…One, the death penalty doesn’t deter anyone from doing anything…Two, legalize drugs and drug dealers go from being evil arch-criminals to vendors looking to move product there is significant demand for.  

2. Uber Self Drive Death
Mitigating Factors: Last Sunday’s crash believed to be first fatality involving self-driving car, pedestrian…At first we thought this could spell end of driverless vehicles but vehicles with drivers kill people every ten minutes and they’re not going anywhere…Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” human in vehicle could have taken control had been paying attention.
FunFact: We still don’t see the point to self-driving cars…Especially for ride-sharing because American riders have been depending on drivers to whine about Mets, rag on current Administration for decades.

3. The American Media
Mitigating Factors: Another American institution that, like the NCAA, needs a do-over…A real media would have Donald Trump out of GOP race before the primaries began…They’re still continuing to play along, too, acting as if Trump were a real president with a real vision for our country…Which he’s not…He is merely a blatherskite whose main concern is doing whatever it takes to draw attention to himself.
FunFact: Our press corps long ago exchanged clicks and ratings for any real substance, but like our fractured government, America continues to tolerate it.

4. Year of the Dictator
Mitigating Factors: 27 years after fall of Soviet Union dictators stronger than ever, with North Korean despot playing US like violin, while Russian president continues proud Soviet tradition of winning sham elections, though Stalin, Brezhnev, et al, rolling in graves as Putin only earns 77 percent of the vote.
FunFact: Dictators so hot the democratically elected president of the United States called Russian president, congratulating him on win in election, asking for re-election help.

5. Sacramento Shooting
Mitigating Factors: Another unarmed black man shot to death by police, this time in Sacramento where 22-year-old man had nerve to be in his own backyard holding a cellphone…Americans everywhere looking forward to even deeper racial divides following officers obligatory acquittal, race riots.
FunFact: Ensuing protests did have benefit of blocking access to downtown arena, mercifully preventing thousands of fans from watching dreadful NBA basketball game.

6. The Captains by W.E.B Griffin
Mitigating Factors: Following actual thought required by reading volume of The Story of Civilization, Sunday B-10 pollsters take it easy with re-read of old favorite…Few write about the military with the expertise and dry humor of Griffin, and if you like stuff like this, both The Brotherhood of War and The Corps series are highly recommended.
Location, Location, Location: Griffin gives a clinic to future novelists: characters, characters, characters…The plot is important, but readers will re-read your old stuff and buy your new stuff because your characters are memorable…It’s always fun to renew acquaintances with Lowell, Felter, MacMillan, Bellmon and the gang.  

7. NBA Tanking
Mitigating Factors: Between teams keeping top players on the bench, questionable in-game hustle and tactics and healthy players on injured list, not every NBA game features two (2) teams trying to win…Pity, because a family of four making the US median income of $59,000 would have to blow a full day’s pay to attend an average NBA game.
FunFact: Though the league says this and the league says that – and even issues mandates and fines from time to time – almost one-third of NBA teams have a vested in interest in not winning so they can improve draft prospects.

8. St. Peter’s Peacocks (0-3)
Mitigating Factors: Peacocks halfway to century mark as perfect 0-3 week retains Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 50th consecutive loss…Saturday doubleheader loss shows versatility, as Peacocks get blown out in opener 15-5, before showing ability to lose close ones, blowing nightcap 2-0.
FunFact: While NCAA record book dutifully records all-time win streak records, it stubbornly refuses to list record losing streaks but Sunday B-10 polls “pretty sure” 50 straight losses “like, you know, an awful lot and stuff.”

9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Slow week in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen, with only one (1) US drone strike, five (5) deaths to report…Totals for 2018 now at 40 (40) drone strikes, 198 deaths, almost 90 percent military!!!…Attacks expected to continue despite fact US Congress has not declared war on any of these countries.
FunFact: Special note: figures only include drone strikes, and do not include 451 additional US Air Force attacks in Afghanistan in 2018!!!
Source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism

10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: This country hasn’t been led since Kennedy said let’s go to the moon…Johnson got mired in Vietnam, Nixon was a crook, Ford did well under circumstance the Son of Man would have found challenging, Reagan was the most managed president in history, Bush I was ineffective, it was always something with Clinton, Bush II lied to get us into war, Obama talked a good game but we are still at war and massively in debt.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: America has previously taken fliers on tossing aside thes status quo, but if we don’t do something soon our perpetual wars, deep social divides and mindless spending will toss America aside the scrap heap of history before this half-century is out.

Thought for the Week: It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.

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March 21, 2018

With The Daily Dose and The Thought for the Day on hiatus as Gaylon continues to stumble through his book project, we are pleased to offer content from two years back.

In the Diary of a Nobody, Sparrow finally upgrades his phone.

The Diary of a Nobody – The Novel of Everyday Life

And, not for the first time, Deng Ming-Dao has our Thought for the Day:

The Thought for the Day – Trees and Enduring Success and Failure

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March 20, 2018

While The Daily Dose and The Thought for the Day continue their hiatus while Gaylon farts around with his book project, he is pleased to present features that ran a year ago today: 

The Diary of a Nobody – The Novel of Everyday Life

The Thought for the Day – March 20, 2016

Enjoy, and many thanks for reading,
Gaylon

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March 19, 2018

In an effort to keep traffic to this site from spiking on Sundays, we are going to offer looks back to what moved on this site one and two years ago while The Daily Dose and The Thought for the Day are on hiatus.

Today we have the following:

The Diary of a Nobody for March 19, 2016: Today Sparrow expresses concerns about their new coffee pot and also discusses shopping at the grocery store in his small town.

The Diary of a Nobody – The Novel of Everyday Life

The Thought for the Day for March 19, 2016 is from author Evan Thomas

The Thought for the Day – Evan Thomas

Enjoy,
Gaylon

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Sunday, March 18, 2018

Friends, as some of you have noticed, and a few of you have pointed out, neither The Daily Dose nor The Thought for the Day are running right now. Longtime readers of this crap know this can only mean one thing: we have started another book project.

And so we have. It’s working title is Criminals, Courtesans and Constables and like all books I write, I think it’s the greatest book in human history, even better than the one I wrote last year.

The Sunday Bottom Ten will continue to run, of course, as will The Bottom Tens in the fall if the book isn’t finished. Nothing gets in the way of The Bottom Ten.   

Meanwhile, The Daily Dose and The Thought for the Day will resume when the book is finished. Writing a novel is completely consuming; you are either writing it or thinking about writing it and columns sometimes take a back seat.

Thank you for reading,
Gaylon

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