The Sunday Bottom Ten #8 – March 18, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Pass the hemlock. This week’s winners:
Mitigating Factors: NCAA tournament starts with almost 20 percent of field involved in current bribery scandal make picking bracket almost as repulsive as picking bracket of particularly virulent strains of the clap…Per protocol, players responsible for upsets, heart-stopping finishes receiving $0.00 of billion dollars NCAA will bring in this year.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: We say this every week: the NCAA, whose daily clinics in being pimp and whore at the same time inspire Congress, IOC, should just go away…Major division college athletics is such a cesspool the only to clean it up is to start over with someone else.
2. Oklahoma Executions
Mitigating Factors: Forward-thinking state, unable to acquire lethal injection drugs, bringing back the gas chamber for executions…Hardly father’s gas chamber, new protocol would use nitrogen gas administered through a mask instead of dropping cyanide into sulfuric acid, despite fact this method is not approved for use on dogs…Oklahoma not only state to consider kicking it old school as Tennessee, Utah looking into bringing back electric chair, firing squad as fave execution method.
Any Last Requests? Given choice of execution method, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they would choose to be shot…We’ve been gassed and that blew, getting electrocuted would really hurt and we’re not entirely sure lethal injection is completely pain free, either.
3. Trump Cabinet Chaos
Mitigating Factors: With near-constant firings, resignations, Trump White House making final days of Nixon Administration look steadying and unifying by comparison…From ambassadorships to directorships to spots on White House staff sheer number of vacancies would make governing difficult if Trump had long-term vision for country, which he doesn’t.
Brush Up Your Resumes: Sunday B-10 pollsters, interested in public service, new ways to enjoy beef, thinking of putting in for ambassadorship to Mongolia.
4. Student Gun Control Walkouts
Mitigating Factors: Thousands of students nationwide walk out of class, demanding they be able to attend schools that aren’t shooting galleries…Even Second Amendment supporters should have walked out, too, as America has mass shootings because America has violent citizens and America has violent citizens because America has a violent government.
Peace Now, Goddammit: America has been at war continuously since 1989…Had America been at peace continuously since 1989 mass shootings would be rare, not the regular occurrences they are now.
5. Minor League Baseball Extra Innings Rule
Mitigating Factors: Beer league softball rule to speed up extra-inning games approved for use in professional baseball this season…Putting runner on second to start each extra half-inning a great way cheapen game, record books…Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this will never – never – be adopted in the big leagues so why bother???…Are long games really that much of a pestilence???
Really Dry, Technical Matter: For those of you keeping score at home, runner on second got there by an error, though error not actually credited to team, merely a way to calculate earned run average.
6. Pennsylvania School Stabbing
Mitigating Factors: More school violence…Sigh…Sadly proves point we’ve made about those hell-bent on causing mayhem doing it regardless of the medium used.
FunFact: The violence will not end until we have an America at peace with itself and that won’t happen until we have an America at peace with the rest of the world…Regular mass violence is price America paying for nearly thirty (30) years of non-stop warfare.
7. Tax Season 2018
Mitigating Factors: Annual journey to hell has Sunday B-10 pollsters thinking it might be better to take sharp stick(s) to eye(s) than suffer through this annual imbroglio…Pollsters pleased to note income well above median household income for US, though gross and net tax rates of 13 and nine percent still more of our money than government is entitled to…Cost of complying with nine million word tax code costs Americans $409 billion every year.
Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: You know, a flat tax of 5% on individual incomes and not only is more money put back into the American economy, but means our tax form is a single sheet of paper.
8. St Peter’s Peacocks (0-8)
Mitigating Factors: Peacocks continue to strut stuff, extending losing streak to 47 games to retain Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO…179 point difference between team batting average (.191) and opponents batting average (.369) means something, though Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they have no idea what it is.
Take Me Out To The Losing Ballgame: Conference, home and road losing streaks of 24, 23, 26 games also best in major division college baseball…Only team topping any of these streaks are D-III powerhouse Yeshiva University, which has lost best-in-universe 62 straight road games.
Editor’s Note: the Sunday Continental Cup is based on the Continental Cup awarded in the college football Bottom Ten during the fall.
9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: March Madness Pentagon-style in full swing, as 2018 totals up to 39 strikes in Afghanistan, Somalia, Pakistan and Yemen sphere-of-influence…193 deaths, too, with Pentagon officials “pretty sure” almost all of them non-civilian…Zany quartet of nations being attacked despite fact they pose no real threat to American way of life, Congress has not declared war on them…In fact, Congress has not declared war on anyone since War II.
FunFact: Thanks to exciting new BabyAvoid2K technology – sponsored by Pampers – US drone strikes only responsible for one (1) confirmed child kill in 2018.
Drone strike figures source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: We say every week: our country is dying!!!…We’re perpetually at war, we elect leaders that solve nothing and we can’t even build a decent bridge anymore…If voters do not do something right now America will be tossed aside History’s scrap heap before this half-century is out.
FunFact: 2018 midterms excellent opportunity to show rest of world we are fed up with status quo and are demanding better of ourselves and our government.
Thought for the Week: The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them. – George Bernard Shaw
The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.