The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 16
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It starts in August, in the heat of training camp, when already low expectations hit rock bottom.
Then the season starts and it’s a battle to see who can avoid the morale depleting two and three game winning streaks that spell disaster for teams seeking Bottom Ten glory.
In the end, Cleveland takes their first ever Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.
It wasn’t easy. The Rams gave the 49ers their only two wins of the season, but the 49ers lost to the Bears, and Bottom Ten staffers are standing by to field the usual end-of-season complaints.
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed reading this crap half has much as we enjoyed producing it, you enjoyed it an awful lot.
The final survey, as the nags stumble across the finish line:
1. Cleveland Browns (1-15; lost to Pittsburgh 27-24 OT) – Browns claim first-ever B-10 title with total team effort in finale, with defense, backed by four (4) turnovers by the offense, blowing two (2) leads….While Browns fan(s) miss out on glory of 0-16 season, splendor of B-10 title will make long winter bearable…2017 Outlook: Strong…Though Browns will have everybody gunning for them, they have gone from seven (7) to three (3) to one (1) win the past three seasons, so back-to-back Dan Henning Trophies definitely a possibility.
2. Chicago Bears (3-13; lost to Minnesota 38-10) – Bears become first team to be ranked #1 in penultimate poll, lose, then fall from top spot, despite never being in this one as turnovers on first two (2) possessions build deficit not even Vikings can blow…Bears finish season strong, losing four (4) straight and seven (7) of last eight (8)…Next Loss: Strong…Bears have finished last in NFC North the last three (3) seasons…Three (3) wins half of 2015 total, leaving Bear(s) fans wondering exactly how they’re going to manage to win one-and-a-half games in 2017.
3. Los Angeles Rams (4-12; lost to Arizona 44-6) – LA city council holding emergency, post-season session, seeing if there are any loopholes allowing them to send Rams back to St Louis, as Rams deliver coveted B-10 medal stand finish in first season back in Southland…Seven-game losing skid enough to take home John McKay Cup, issued to team with longest season-ending losing streak…2017 Outlook: With a new stadium opening in a couple of years and LA fans notoriously fickle, Rams must make strong B-10 statement in 2017 if they hope to have any long-term success in Southland, especially if the Chargers move in.
4. San Francisco 49ers (2-14; lost to Seattle 25-23) – Only two wins, but both came against Rams and is enough to keep 49ers off of B-10 medal stand…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” there are some strength of schedule factors in this final ranking, but aren’t entirely sure what they are…2017 Outlook: 49ers – just a couple of lousy plays and clutch penalties away from 0-16 this season – completely clean house, firing GM and head coach in quest for B-10 glory.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-13; lost to Indianapolis 24-20) – In topsy-turviest B-10 campaign in recent memory, Jaguars team left truly kicking themselves, as only win over Tennessee prevented season-ending eleven-game losing streak which, considering everything, probably would’ve resulted in first-ever B-10 title…2017 Outlook: Jaguars at their usual end-of-season crossroads, being just bad enough to never be taken seriously for playoff spot, but not being quite bad enough to earn B-10 title…To improve morale and ensure staff does not lose focus in offseason, owner Genghis Khan had entire scouting department water-boarded.
6. San Diego Chargers (5-11; lost to Kansas City 37-27) – Despite missing out on B-10 medal stand, Chargers still plan to hold heads high at B-10 awards banquet as only team to lose to Cleveland in 2017…Season-ending five (5)-game skid sends strong message heading into offseason activities, like getting second DUI and smacking down cops…2017 Outlook: Another team with usual end-of-season soul searching to do, Chargers are just a couple of impact players away from either going to the playoffs or winning B-10 title.
7. New York Jets (5-11; defeated Buffalo 30-10) – Not even season-ending win over Bills can curb enthusiasm of Jets return to final B-10 survey…Jets earn first ever Ed Koch Cup, issued to city’s worst NFL team, easily outdistancing Giants squad that qualified of NFL playoffs…2017 Outlook: 2016 featured wins over Cleveland and San Francisco and Jets staffers know they will to find a way to lose these games in 2017 if they are going to contend for coveted B-10 medal stand spots.
8. Tie Games (0-0-2) – Forget foisting as many Jacksonville games as possible off on London next year, forget concussions, forget players beating women without express, written consent of NFL…The biggest problem the NFL is ensuring that every game – every single one – has a winner…2017 Outlook: Not good…League has tinkered some with overtime rules, but it will probably still be possible for games not to have a winner in 2017.
9. NFC West (23-39-2) – With only one team with winning record, NFC West easy pick for annual Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division….Almost one-third of survey made up of once-proud division or its teams…Next Loss: Second Pete Rozelle Award since 2010, when it produced a champion with a 7-9 record, so there isn’t a whole lot more for NFC West to accomplish
10. Donald Trump – A couple of weeks before inauguration and the president-elect is giving no signs he is in this for anything other than consolidating wealth and power…Maybe part of his power trip will include producing an economy anchored in low taxes, free markets and minimal regulation and not convicting the innocent, or maybe not.