The Bottom Ten/The 2017 Tenny Awards
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
In the Bottom Ten pollsters never-ending quest to milk even more material out of this feature, they are pleased to present the first ever Bottom Ten Tenny Awards, an opportunity to not only celebrate the awards that were issued throughout the season, but a time to herald the remaining winners of new, coveted Bottom Ten hardware.
The 2017 Bottom Ten season will go down in infamy as the rarest of the rare: a Holy Trinity year where the NCAA and NFL champions, not to mention the Continental Cup winner, of course, all go winless!
So bring out the barf bags! The Tennys for 2017 go to:
Bottom Ten Hall of Fame Inductees
Cleveland Browns – For meritorious achievement in becoming only second 0-16 team in NFL history.
Hue Jackson, Head Coach, Cleveland Browns – Own wing being designed as only NFL coach to go 1-31 over two-year span.
Nick Johnson, Head Coach, Earlham Quakers – Johnson off to historic 0-30 start with Quakers, with consecutive Continental Cups – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere-of-influence – already in hand.
Game of the Year
Tennessee at Cleveland NFL/Week 9 – 14 minutes of overtime, seven (7) field goals, 17 penalties and zero (0) touchdowns…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is first game in NFL history where winning coach wins playoff game, loses job, losing coach goes winless, keeps job.
Team of the Year
UTEP (0-12)- Toughest Team of the Year vote since 1960 when Dallas Cowboys, SMU, Tijuana Tech all went winless, Miners get nod over Cleveland Browns, Earlham based on Total Team Effort (TTE) that produced four (4) games of scoring ten (10) or fewer points, four games of giving up 40 or more points.
Coach of the Year
Hue Jackson, Cleveland Browns – Steady-as-she-loses coach shows focus of B-10 champion, setting aside heartache of 2016’s 1-15 mark to lead Browns to perfect 0-16 record and second straight Dan Henning Trophy in 2017.
Line of the Year: The Medal Stand
1. Team so bad squad has Nike logo on jerseys even though they are sponsored by Under Armour. – Earlham NCAA/Week 9
2. StubHub Center spokesman assures LA football fans tarps will be taken off seats in time for next month’s high school football playoffs… – Los Angeles Chargers NFL/Week 6
3. Americans eagerly awaiting day when Amazon, Walmart give permission for holidays to begin with He Is Risen sales after Easter sunrise services. – 2017 Holiday Season NCAA/Interregnum Poll
3. Thomas Robinson Stadium almost as bad a bowl facility as Yankee Stadium, with 50-yard line seats a mere 130 feet from field, behind running track, long jump/triple jump pits, detention area for opposition leaders. – Bahamas Bowl NCAA/Bowl Game Edition
Previously Awarded Crap:
The ESPN Cup – Issued To The Collegiate Bottom Ten Champion: UTEP, 0-12
The Dan Henning Trophy – Symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten Supremacy: Cleveland Browns, 0-16
The Continental Cup – Issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO: Earlham, 43 consecutive losses
The Sgt Bilko Trophy – Symbolic of Service Academy Lousiness: Air Force
The Tostitos Plaque – Issued to Team With Longest Losing Streak in Season That Actually Includes A Win: Kansas, 1-11
The Jim Hanifan Medallion – Symbolic of NFL Preseason Lousiness: Atlanta Falcons, 0-4
The Billy Cannon Certificate – Symbolic of Cajun Football Lousiness: UL-Lafayette
NCAA Conference of the Year: Conference USA
The Pete Rozelle Award – Issued to NFL’s Worst Division: AFC North
That’s A Wrap: Thank you for reading. See you in 218 days with the 2018 Bottom Ten Preseason Q&A!