The Diary of a Nobody – Friday April 13, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, April 13
One of the nice things about living up here is people give you processed wild game left and right…A while ago our friend Patty, from the retailer, gave us a pound of mountain lion, which she had shot, and processed herself…Now, I don’t really favor shooting mountain lions, they’re cats after all and cats are cute, but the cat was preying on some of Patty’s animals and in that case I probably would have shot it, too…The Wife made some mountain lion burgers and they were pretty good.

This week someone gave The Wife a buttload of elk…I even fried some up today for lunch before heading in for a shift at the retailer…In what has to be considered an upset, I managed to fry up an elk patty without setting off the smoke alarm, a claim The Wife, an expert cook, can’t always make…Given the choice, I think I’d prefer mountain lion, but elk is really good, too, especially when someone gives you ten pounds of it.

DO NOT OPEN FOOD IN LINE!!!…Good gravy, wait until you are, at least, outside the door before you start eating…We’ve discussed this before…Usually, the culprits are kids whose parents let them do whatever the hell they want at the retailer, but today it was a group of alleged adults that had a veritable buffet going in the self-checkout line…Chips, cookies, soda and just once I’d like to see their credit card declined so I can ask them exactly how they intended to pay for the crap they are eating.

Other winners who stopped by the retailer today were these two guys with BO you could smell five feet away…Ingrained BO, too, the type that heralds a lot of time outdoors…I was working my beloved Aisle 5 when the waddled up…The first guy was buying a birthday card and something else, some cream or salve or balm…He wanted to know how much the card was so I price checked it and told him $1.97…Wow, he said, that’s all and I said yeah and he said wow again and announced he was going to go find a nicer, more expensive card…His buddy, who also reeked from here to Leadville, also left because he forgot to buy coffee along with his dog food…The guys come back later and the wizard had upgraded to a card that cost almost $8 and combined with his cream/salve/balm he didn’t have sufficient cash to pay for it!!!…I am not making that up!!!…He had to borrow three bucks from his buddy, who barely had that in his wallet!!!

Early on I rang up this guy buying toilet paper…This is a pretty dull transaction even for this crap, but I include it because it reminded me that we were down to our last roll at The Shire…Immediately after the guy left the desk I hustled to the paper section and bought some toilet paper because I am at the age now where I forget things I don’t act on immediately…Then I ran out to put it in the car so I wouldn’t forget it in the store or breakroom…Usually The Wife takes care of this, but recall she is off house sitting so it is up to me to do things like this…I am also cleaning the cat box regularly instead of every now and then like I used to.

Lacey really let a great belch go in the break room today…She is sitting right next to me, too, in the row comfortable chairs to the right was you walk in…She had a table pulled up and I’m next to her watching MST3K on my phone when BOOM! out of nowhere a belch that probably set a Richter scale or two off…I mean, I spent four years on an old diesel submarine and even I was impressed…For her part, Lacy credited the soda she was drinking, but she drinks soda all the time and this was her first belch that I could remember.

This led me to note that I could belch on command and when no one commanded me to belch I mentioned it again, and again until Lacy commanded me to belch which I did because I’ve been able to belch on command since I was a boy…It wasn’t Belch of the Year, certainly not on par with Lacy’s, but it made her smile and seemed to impress her.

Sold several bikes today..Kiddie bikes are priced to move right now at $25 out front and the first sale was a fiasco because they are locked up and nobody knew the combination to the lock…This is hardly a surprise but I saved the day by going out front, noticing it was a combination lock and trying, just for funsies, our four digit store number as the combination and voila that was it!!!…I ask only to serve.

Nicole was at Hotel A when I got there after my shift at the retailer…Recall last week her big news was she was scoping out a new place to live and she was pleased to report they picked her…She said she and the gal who was coordinating the new roommate search hit it off so well they ended up at a bar before even going to the house…Nicole’s big concern, of course, is that nobody break in and steal her deodorant and she reported her new roommate guaranteed that wouldn’t be a problem.

Nicole’s a good kid…Originally from Wisconsin, she could relate to the story I told her about the time I saw a concert on the lawn of the state capitol in Madison (actually I’ve done that twice with different women but don’t tell anybody)…She has also lasted longer than the last couple of desk clerk wizards we’ve hired and hopefully, she’ll stick around for a while.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 9pm Thursday night (more or less) till 6am Friday morning…6am is a bit earlier than I wanted to wake up because I will be up till 8am or so Saturday morning, but I slept a lot and I slept well so I will be OK…I put some coffee on and immediately settled in for a productive morning working on a couple of writing projects.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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