The Daily Dose/December 5, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
In The News
Tuesday we published The Bottom Ten/2018 Bowl Game Edition, our annual nonsense ranking the worst upcoming college football bowl games. It was, for our money, the funniest thing we’ve ever written.
Writing is no different than anything else us humans do. Some days a sprinter runs a personal best but most days he doesn’t. What made yesterday different than any other day we’ve plied this trade? Hell, we don’t know. We were enjoying morning coffee (actually, afternoon coffee, we keep odd hours here) and we’d had some rest, both key for a writer, but we enjoy caffeine daily and are accustomed to getting our rest. There was nothing to distinguish this session from any other and we were no more focused than any other time. We were prepared, as usual, to give you our very best.
But it was different. We seldom laugh out loud when writing. If something is particularly amusing we might smile after we’ve written it and if it is particularly funny we might chuckle as we write it. We seldom actually laugh out loud at something we’ve written, insert your own joke here.
But this column found us genuinely laughing at four lines: the Cheez-Its midfield logo line, the crown prince shit list line, the detention leaders for opposition leaders line – which is actually an encore from last year – and the Trident missile warranty line. Others made us chuckle and we thought the column so good we put it in our Hall of Fame.
In the end, we chalked it up to having been a bit better than usual, which happens from time to time. You can’t rest on your laurels, of course, so you enjoy it and get back to work, because today’s three columns – this one, The Diary of a Nobody, The NFL Bottom Ten – are not going to write themselves. You must get back to work.
Today At The Site
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has a guest ask him to do something about the dry air, he hears from the town manager about his application to fill the vacancy on the town council and he learns a dreidel song.
About 0300 I got a visit from a long-term guest who was wondering if there was anything I could do about the really dry air here…Well, I’m a night auditor and hardly omnipotent, so I don’t have all-encompassing powers so, frankly, there is little I can do in this circumstance…I did offer a humidifier and he said he has one and his nose still feels like it’s stuffed with Triscuits…
The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 15: The nags are headed for home, and it’s the Raiders, Jets and 49ers perched on the Bottom Ten medal stand this week. Veteran Bottom fan(s) know, however, you count out the Browns and the Bengals at your peril.
1. Oakland Raiders (2-10; lost to Kansas City 40-33) – Despite losing strength of schedule points for wins over Browns, Cardinals, Raiders earn B-10 top spot thanks to owning tiebreaker with loss to 49ers…Next Loss: Pittsburgh
On This Date
In 1955 – The Montgomery Bus Boycott begins in Montgomery, Alabama, four days after Rosa Parks was arrested for not yielding her seat on a bus to a white person. Instead of taking the bus, blacks carpooled and some black taxi drivers charged only ten cents – bus fare and about 97 cents in today’s money – for rides, causing no small amount of fiscal problems for the city. The boycott lasted for over a year until the US Supreme Court ruled segregated bus laws were unconstitutional.
In 1973 – Ron Santo of the Chicago Cubs vetoes an attempt by the Cubs to trade him to the California Angels. Santo became the first player to invoke what is known as the 10/5 rule, which allows a player with ten years in the major leagues, the last five with one team, to veto a trade. Santo was later traded to the Chicago White Sox and would retire after the 1974 season.
In 1987 – Heaven Is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle is at #1 for its only week on Billboard’s Hot 100. The song also went to #1 in Britain, Switzerland, Ireland, Sweden, South Africa, Norway and New Zealand. Carlisle had previously charted as a member of the Go-Go’s and Heaven Is a Place on Earth remains her only appearance at #1.
Quotebook
…as if the deepest springs of pleasure in his body were trembling under the caress of exhilarating winds.
William McGivern
Choice of Assassins
Answer To The Last Trivia Question
Little Things Mean a Lot by Kitty Kallen spent nine weeks at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart, the most of any song in 1954.
Today’s Stumper
What was the name of the US Supreme Court ruling that struck down Montgomery’s bus segregation laws? –Answer next time!
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