The Daily Dose/October 4, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was.

1. COVID-19 – Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters don’t wish COVID on anyone, but old lessons about karma and burnt hand teaching best again assert themselves with President Trump now being afflicted. 

2. Major League Baseball – Grand’ Ol Game dying right before our eyes, as feast or famine at-bats produce second-highest per game home run, strikeout totals ever, while sacrifice bunts the lowest ever, with one roughly every other game…Also, Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” no playoff games on first Saturday and Sunday in October “like, dude, totally bad and stuff”. 

3. Lauren Daigle – American singer extends Billboard all-singles chart record to 104th (non-consecutive) week at #1 as You Say remains at top of Hot Christian Singles chart…A long time ago Wendy Carlos, then rolling as Walter Carlos, spent 110 non-consecutive weeks at #1 on Billboard’s Classical Album chart with Switched On Bach, the all-time Billboard record for weeks at #1. 

4. Election 2020 – Less than a month before US voters choose between septuagenarian white guy who is lying sexual predator who believes moon is part of Mars and septuagenarian white guy who is not a lying sexual predator who believes moon is part of Mars…Thanks for the great menu, GOP and Democrats!

5. President Trump Fact Check – The 5-hole staple, click here for the latest misinformation from our Liar-in-Chief…Includes modest Joe Biden action. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has the latest on changes at the sundry stand.  

In sundry stand news, someone – and there are no suspects and we might have to go to video coverage on this one – switched the cookie dough and cherry ice cream containers in the freezer!!!…I am not making that up…Usually, the 2x chocolate fudge chain reaction fantasy is on the left and then there’s the cookie dough flavor in the middle with the cherry (actually vanilla with some cherry and chocolate slivers) anchoring the right side.

No more: someone thought the sun simply would stop rising in the east if cookie dough and cherry were not swapped…Ol’ Sparrow, I think, gets props for taking it in stride instead of offering his usual reaction to things the puzzle him, staring at it crossly with his hands on his hips…I could have, with some modest effort, switched them back, but sometimes you have to sail with the prevailing wind. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Gaylon is called a stalker again, this time by Princess Emma. 

Our main topic of conversation was Radtke’s crush on Nong, who happened to be sitting a few tables over. We didn’t identify her to Princess Emma – I cited privacy issues – but that didn’t stop me from blabbing the fact that Radtke had a crush on someone sitting in the EDR right now!

I announced I would be Radtke’s mentor on this one, the one responsible for guiding him to the dating Promised Land.

“You?” Princess Emma said, finding it rather amusing. 

I nodded solemnly. 

“Look, before he came to me he didn’t even know her days off or her break schedule or anything.”

“That’s stalking!” Princess Emma said.

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip. – Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. – Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal. 

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1363 – The Battle of Poyang Lake, part of the Red Turban Rebellion, ends in southeastern China. The battle was between the Han Navy, in rebellion against the Yuan dynasty, and the Ming Navy. Declining water levels led to maneuverability problems for the Hans’ large, deep-draft ships, while the Ming’s land and sea forces, plus the use of fire ships, led to victory. The battle eventually led to the end of the Yuan dynasty in 1368 and ushered in three centuries of Ming dynasty rule. 

In 2001 – Rickey Henderson of the San Diego Padres establishes a new major league record for most runs scored in a career in a 6-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. Henderson’s third-inning home run resulted in his 2,246th career run, breaking the record established by Ty Cobb, who had held the record since breaking Cap Anson’s mark with his 2,000th career run in 1925. Henderson would retire in 2003 with 2,295 career runs, a record that still stands. 

In 1969 – Sonny James is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the first of three consecutive weeks with Since I Met You, Baby. It was the 13th of 23 #1 songs on the country chart for James and his ninth of 16 consecutive #1s, a country chart record that still stands, and the song also peaked at #65 on the Hot 100. The song was written by Ivory Joe Hunter, whose version hit #1 on Billboard’s soul chart in 1956 and the song has since charted several times on both the country and pop charts and Since I Met You, Baby remains one of the few songs to appear on all three major Billboard singles charts.

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

It was hard to believe he had evolved through the natural process of conception, birth, and growing up. – McKinley Kantor, Andersonville

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The first player to win the Triple Crown in a major league was Paul Hines of the Providence Grays, who led the National League in batting average (.358), home runs (4) and runs batted in (50) in 1878.

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Which Mongol founded the Yuan dynasty? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/October 3, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.

INSERT OWN POIGNANT LEAD LINE HERE: The news that President Trump and his wife have the coronavirus actually made us smile. Not because we were glad he has it because we’re not. Sure, President Trump is a lying sexual predator who believes the moon is part of Mars and, of course, he has blood on his hands from his inept handling of the coronavirus, but we don’t wish this on anyone and if you’re reading this you better not, either. 

But you have to admit it is rich: a man who denied and ignored and then lied about the coronavirus has come down with it. 

Double Your Irony, Double Your Fun: Had Trump been willing and able to muster a timely and competent response he and his wife may very well not have contracted it and, perhaps, most of the 200,000-plus that have died might still be alive. 

Get Out Your History Books: We were thinking lately about presidents that would have possessed the genius and charisma to pull off a timely and competent response and came up with these. We went as far back as FDR: FDR, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Ford and, probably, Obama. That’s it, really. We think everyone else would have been stymied by it, too.  

The Bottom Line: You know, some adroit handling by us at the start and we have, as noted, a fraction of the COVID deaths we have now. But we didn’t get adroit handling, we got ignorance, denial and delay. Us citizens could have set our government aside and demanded better on our own, but we’ve decided to circle our wagons, our collective response as big a partisan and bickering mess as our government’s. We deserve better, of course, but we’re not going to get better until we start demanding it, both of ourselves and our government. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has a busy day at the Veterans Service Office.   

It’s important here not to talk like a snake oil salesman and promise a vet three grand a month…You explain the process to him: there has to be an ailment caused in the service, there has to be a current problem and there has to be a doctor will say that the current condition is caused by the previous condition…Then you might have something…I told Josh to make an appointment with his VA doctor and tell them what you want and let’s see what the results are…

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Radtke calls Gaylon a stalker. 

I then asked him if he bothered to know her break schedule. Dealers deal for an hour, then get a 20-minute break. With a minimum of effort, you can figure out when your woman will be at her table and when she won’t. 

“Jesus Christ!” Radtke said. “You’re a stalker!”

I showed Radtke a palm. 

“Information gatherer, young man.” I turned my palms up like they were a scale measuring something. “I merely aggregate various sources of information for my benefit. Information is power. It’s the key to the bachelor life. 

“But you don’t even ask women out! You just stalk them.”

I raised an index finger.

“By choice, young man, by choice. There is no need for the commotion of a relationship right now.”

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip. – Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. – Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal. 

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1995 – The verdict in O.J. Simpson’s murder trial is announced, one day after the jury announced to the judge it had reached a verdict. Simpson was found not guilty of the 1994 murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman, though later Simpson would be found responsible for their deaths in civil court. Interest in the case was such that long-distance telephone call volume declined by 58%, and trading volume on the New York Stock Exchange decreased by 41% in the moments leading up to the announcement.  

In 1909 – Ty Cobb of the Detroit Tigers becomes the first player to win the major league Triple Crown, leading the major leagues in batting average (.377)  home runs (9) and runs batted in (107). The feat was later accomplished by Rogers Hornsby (1925, St Louis Cardinals), Lou Gehrig (1934, New York Yankees), Ted Williams (1944, Boston Red Sox) and Mickey Mantle (1956, New York Yankees. 13 other players have won the Triple Crown for a particular league. Cobb helped the Tigers win the American League pennant, losing the World Series to the Pittsburgh Pirates four games to three. 

In 1970 – Diana Ross is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the third and final consecutive week with Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. It was the first #1 solo hit for Ross following twelve #1 songs with The Supremes. The song was also in its only week at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart and peaked at #6 in Great Britain. In 1967 a version by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell peaked at #19 on the Hot 100 and at #3 on the soul chart. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

The wise man has no ambitions. Therefore, he has no failures. He who never fails always succeeds. And he who always succeeds is all-powerful. – Gore Vidal, Creation

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The last diesel submarine in the US Navy was the USS Dolphin (AGSS-555) a research submarine that was decommissioned in 2007. The last diesel submarine warship was the USS Blueback (SS-581), which was decommissioned in 1990. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who was the first player to win the Triple Crown in a major league? – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!

The Daily Dose/September 30, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow will whine about anything.  

Proof that ol’ Sparrow will whine about anything can be found in the fact that yours truly whined today about sleeping too much (see Sleep Log below)…Once again, workout and walk were blown off in favor of more sack time…Now, of course, you need your rest but, boy, the Tuesday workout/walk is a waypoint every week, laying a great foundation for the hotel/VSO doubleheader on Wednesday.

It also means there are only two lifting sessions for the week, a lousy total…The bare minimum, officially, is three weight sessions a week and four is preferred and we might have to consider waking up earlier on Tuesdays…Generally, we’re up around 1630 or so to use the can and that’s seven hours down a satisfactory total, and it might be good to simply put the coffee on and get the day started then…The next sleep sessions are all you can get anyway, and we can catch up then.  

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: The food at the employee dining room (EDR) is barely edible. This is not the Upset of the Year. 

The EDR was mostly closed for cleaning and the buffet line was in the hallway but for symbolism’s sake it should’ve been in the can. It was pretty bad tonight. Not as bad as Gulag Night a couple of months back when Ted asked for the medical bag to be sent up, but the best I could do was two hot dogs, which is lousy nutrition.

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 5: The first new column of the season! It’s Minnesota, Houston and a joint New York entry on the medal stand this week, as the race for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – kicks off.

9. Washington Whatevers (1-2; lost to Cleveland 34-20) – Depth of 2020 B-10 field shown as Whatevers only victoried team in survey as current two (2)-game skid shows complete recovery from opening win…With Redskin logo gone from helmet, team considering putting play diagrams on helmets to so players know where to go…Next Loss: Baltimore

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip. – Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. – Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal. 

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1954 – The world’s first nuclear-powered submarine, the USS Nautilus, is commissioned at New London, Connecticut. Nautilus would get underway for the first time in January and later would become the first vessel to both circumnavigate the earth submerged and to reach the North Pole at all. She was decommissioned in 1980 and today is a museum ship near New London. 

In 1984 – The Los Angeles Rams establish a new NFL record for most safeties in a game in a 33-12 win over the New York Giants. Two safeties came when punts were blocked out of the end zone and the other came when quarterback Phill Simms was tackled in the end zone. The Rams broke the record of two that had been done many times before and the record still stands. 

In 1972 – Mel Tillis is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart for the first of two consecutive weeks with I Ain’t Never.  It was the 23rd country chart single for Tillis and the first of six #1 songs. Tillis co-wrote the song in the 1950s with Webb Pierce, whose own version spent nine weeks at #2 on the country chart in 1959 and also peaked at #24 on the Hot 100. A version by the Lowes peaked at #70 on the country chart in 1987. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

It didn’t occur to her that maybe the books were wrong. Or maybe it didn’t matter.  – Charles Bukowski, Ham On Rye

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Charles Dawes – vice president of the United States under President Calvin Coolidge from 1925-29 – wrote the music to the #1 hit It’s All in the Game. The lyrics were added later by Carl Sigmund and It’s All in the Game remains the only #1 song written by a vice president of the United States. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was the last diesel-powered submarine in the United States Navy? – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!