The Daily Dose/September 23, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.  

USA! USA!: America passed the 200,000 mark in COVID-19 deaths recently, the highest total in the world, about 67,000 more than Brazil.

Fly In The Ointment: America, though, is lagging in some other metrics, ranking only 11th in cases per one million people and 10th in deaths per one million people. Our death rate amongst closed cases is 5%, a figure that has held more or less steady in the past few weeks.

But Seriously Folks: There’s no sign of these figures getting any better, either, and there’s enough blame here to go around.

Dry, Technical Matter: One, America has never had a coordinated national response. President Trump ensured a tardy and incompetent response and America has never recovered from that. Our fractured, partisan and bickering government has ensured that America won’t have a coordinated national response for a while now.

Fly In The Ointment II: We can only blame our government so much though. America must look herself in her collective mirror because our partisan, fractured and bickering citizenry has some people taking precautions and some people not.

The Bottom Line: Everyone in this country has blood on her hands. We tolerated an inept initial response and we are tolerating our current fiasco. We are not going to get anything better, either, until we start demanding better of our government and ourselves. Had we handled this competently, we feel America’s COVID death toll would be at no more than 30,000 people.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow briefly overbooks the hotel.   

I pulled up her account, looked at availability and said sure, that would be no problem…Had I bothered to enter it…I didn’t tho and about 0600 Ms 110 presented herself at the front desk with the folio I’d slid under her door because she was scheduled to check out wondering, very reasonably, what the deal was. 

Crap…We’re sold out for tonight, too, so extending her stay would overbook us, a real hassle but there really wasn’t another option because I had told her she could stay…So I extended her stay and overbooked us. 

One of the Wonders of the Front Desk is sometimes you have good luck when you need it…Not more than five minutes later 233 came up and announced he was departing a day early…I am not making that up…

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Gaylon gets to use one of his all-time fave lines. 

At 0615 I park at Eddie – 2 to head down and turn my scanner in and I run into Bi-Bob, Brandon, and a couple of others sitting and talking. I slum for the cheap, easy laugh. 

“Good morning, men…Bob.”

Used in moderation, this line never gets old. And like all my good lines, this one isn’t original either.

The Bottom Ten Presented By COVID-19/NFL Week 4: With The Bottom Ten in reruns this year, The NFL Bottom Ten continues its chronicle of Cleveland’s winless, historic 2017 season with the 2017 NFL Week 4 survey, offered with our compliments.

3. Cleveland Browns (0-2; lost to Baltimore 24-10) – Defending B-10 champions off another 0-2 start…Browns using tried and true formula in quest for B-10 glory, refusing to rush for 100 yards and turning ball over five (5) times…Next Loss: at Indianapolis

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip.
Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row.
Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal. 

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1338 – Gunpowder artillery is used in naval battle for the first time as the French Navy defeats the English Navy at the Battle of Arnemuiden off the coast of what is now The Netherlands. The English ship Christopher had three cannons and a sidearm, but the English squadron of five cogs was outmanned by the French, who not only seized the five ships but also a large cargo of wool before killing their prisoners. It was the first naval battle of the Hundred Years War, which had begun the year before and would result in a French victory in 1453. 

In 1969 – John Miller of the Los Angeles Dodgers becomes the only player in major league history to hit home runs in first and last major league at-bats in a 6-1 loss to the Cincinnati Reds in the first game of a doubleheader. Miller, who played a variety of positions, had also homered in his first at-bat for the New York Yankees on September 11, 1966. Those would be the only two home runs for Miller in a career that spanned 61 at-bats in 32 games. 

In 1972 – Conway Twitty is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as the Hot Country Singles chart – for the only week with I Can’t Stop Loving You. It was the eighth of 40 #1 songs on the country chart for Twitty – a mark second only to George Strait’s 44 – and his 20th of 97 country chart singles. The song was written by Don Gibson whose version peaked at #7 on the country chart in 1957 and a version by Ray Charles in 1964 hit #1 on both the Hot 100 and Billboard’s soul chart, making I Can’t Stop Loving You one of the few songs to hit #1 on all three major Billboard singles charts. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

…work, in itself not hard, becomes so, by being pressed, hour after hour, with unvarying, unrelenting sameness… – Harriet Beecher Stowe, Uncle Tom’s Cabin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The major league record for fewest hits in a doubleheader is held by the Cleveland Indians, who got two hits in a doubleheader against the Boston Red Sox on April 12, 1992. The Indians got no hits in the opener, a game they won and, playing at home, only batted eight times in, and two hits in the nightcap. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What Conway Twitty’s first #1 song on a Billboard chart? – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!

The Daily Dose/September 22, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.  

HERE WE GO AGAIN: The Democrats are talking impeachment again because President Trump is going to have the nerve to nominate someone to the supreme court to replace the deceased Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Fly In The Ointment: This is as silly as it is petulant and stupid. The president appoints justices to the supreme court and the Senate confirms them and the president can do this anytime he sees fit. Well, presuming there’s a vacancy, of course. That the Democrats are doing anything except keeping their yaps shut merely reinforces the fact our America continues to be a partisan, fractured and bickering mess, incapable of doing anything without yammering at each other. 

Dry, Technical Matter: Look, Democrats, you had your moment in the impeachment sun and you frittered it away. Had you put some work in you probably could have come up with a half-dozen or so real charges against Trump, charges that had some meat on them, charges the public could have forced even the Republican-controlled Senate to seriously consider. 

Oopsies: But you didn’t. You settled for two half-ass charges simply to get it on the record that President Donald Trump had been impeached. Big wow. In the either-your-for-me-or -against-me America of the 21st-century, it accomplished nothing. 

The Bottom Line: Democrats, you are a fiasco right now, giving you something in common with the GOP and the country. You have a GOP president running for reelection who is a lying sexual predator who believes the moon is part of Mars, a president who has blood on his hands from his delayed and incompetent response to the coronavirus, a president who thinks the Spanish flu epidemic of 1918 ended World War II. You guys should be naming the score in the polls right now. Instead, Joe Biden has a modest lead. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow’s new passport is in. 

There are similarities between this passport and the one the expired in 2004…One, both pics suck…The first one doesn’t look too bad, I guess, because I don’t look like a child molester who needs to fart, but this one is awful…Two, tho I have only spent six of the past 32 years bearded, both pics show me with one…Three, my signature has changed since 1994 and four, the big one: the same pen was used to sign both passports!!!…I am not making that up…It’s the trusty old black Parker Sonnet that is beat up and been thru wash lots of times over the decades.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Lunch is spent in the hotel operator’s office. 

Between her own, personal conversation and answering the hotel phone Silvia does not stop talking!

“…and I don’t know what happened after that hotel operator this is Silvia how may I assist you? Of course, a wakeup call for 6:30 Mrs. Parks, you’re all set. Is there anything else I can assist you with? All right, have a pleasant night and then Angelica and Adrian went out tonight thank you for calling the Monte Carlo how may I assist you?…”

The Bottom Ten Presented by COVID-19/NCAA Week 4: With your Bottom Ten in reruns this year, the 2018 Week 4 column is offered with our compliments.

2. New Mexico State (0-4; lost to New Mexico 42-25)
Mitigating Factors: Aggies rock B-10 runner-up spot for second consecutive week, dutifully blowing 14-0 lead as Total Team Effort (TTE) sees Aggies getting outscored 35-3 between end of first, start of fourth quarters…Complete inability run football, stop others from doing same keying B-10 run, as Aggies rank 125th in Rushing Defense (269.8) and 127th in Rushing Offense (64.3).
FunFact: Steady as she goes Aggies also rank 126th in both Scoring Offense and Scoring Defense, losing games by average score of 44.8-to-13.8.
Next Loss: at UTEP

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip.
Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row.
Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal. 

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1993 – An Amtrak train runs off a damaged bridge near the Mobile River in southern Alabama, killing 47 and injuring 103. The bridge had been damaged when a tugboat had inadvertently veered from the river into a bayou and ran into the bridge. The pilot was underway without a compass or charts and due to fog believed he was still on the Mobile River. Despite the damage to the bridge, the rails did not break and the nearest signal showed a green light and the train came steaming onto the bridge about ten minutes after the accident. 

In 1936 – The Detroit Tigers establish a new major league for most runs scored in a doubleheader shutout in two wins over the St Louis Browns. The Tigers won the first game 12-0 and the second game 14-0 accumulating 35 hits over the two games while the Browns could muster only eight hits all day and were gracious guests, contributing four errors. Research into whose record the Tigers broke was inconclusive, and the record still stands. 

In 1962 – The Four Seasons are at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second of five consecutive weeks with Sherry. It as the first chart single for the group and the first of three consecutive #1 songs and five overall. The song also went to #1 in Canada, New Zealand and on Billboard’s soul chart, peaked at #8 in Great Britain and was Billboard’s tenth biggest song of the year. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

It is not the first steps but the last ones that are most difficult. – Jean-Francois Steiner, Treblinka

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Martha and the Vandellas’ biggest hit on Billboard’s Hot 100 was Dancing in the Street which spent two weeks at #2 in 1964. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who holds the major league record for fewest hits in a doubleheader? – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!

The Daily Dose/September 21, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience.  

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow deals with a woman keeping tabs on her man.   

The big thing, tho, was not hearing from your boyfriend for twelve hours is hardly reason to upgrade matters to DefCon 1…Or Defcon V, whichever is highest, I’ve long forgotten…While that be keeping admirable tabs on your man, it might also be the reason he’s not answering his phone: he would like some peace, a hardly unprecedented feeling amongst us men. 

Sometimes you have to say no and I did here…I told her he’s probably just sleeping it off and that I wasn’t going to bother anyone right now. 

There were a couple of other reasons, tho, too: one, what if there are other workers from the company here and the names on the rooms aren’t accurate???…Two, I don’t know who this woman is…She could be a girlfriend or she could be a psycho ex-wife making up the working story.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Rich and Gaylon deal with someone who is crackers. 

The guy is dirty and his clothes were new years ago and Rich joins me and it takes a few minutes but we get him down the stairs and then we are treated to a story about how his mommy is sending him a credit card which he is waiting to pick up at a bank and how he wants to play in the NFL this fall. 

“Really?” I say. I learned very early on in this job that sometimes if you join these idiots in their little cracker barrel they are easier to deal with. “I am too. Which team you going for?”

“Bellagio.”
Rich laughs. 
“Bellagio?” I ask. 
“Yeah, I’m staying at Bellagio. 

“Well Bellagio is that way,” I say, pointing south, away from Bellagio, because south was the quickest way to get him off property and he no more knows where Bellagio is than where Jupiter is and eventually he leaves. 

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip.
Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row.
Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get started to read The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables for only $4.99, a steal. 

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1953 – Korean People’s Army Senior Lieutenant No Kum-sok defects to South Korea, when he flies his North Korean MiG fighter jet from Sunan to the Kimpo Air Base, a bit west of Seoul. Fortuitous circumstances at the time ensured No was neither chased by the North Koreans nor shot down by the South Koreans or Americans and later reports indicated that No’s mistake of landing the wrong way actually prevented him from being shot down. No later emigrated to the US and assumed the name Kenneth H Rowe. 

In 1964 – The collapse of the Philadelphia Phillies begins in a 1-0 loss to the Cincinnati Reds, the first of a ten-game losing streak that remains one of the great collapses in American professional sports. The Phillies had begun the day 6.5 games in front of both the Reds and the St Louis Cardinals with twelve games to play and this was the first of ten consecutive losses for the Phillies. 

In 1963 – Martha and the Vandellas are at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart – then known as the Hot R&B Singles chart – for the second of four consecutive weeks with Heatwave. It was their second soul chart single, their second of ten soul Top 10 songs and their first of two soul #1s (Jimmy Mack, one week, 1967). The song also peaked at #4 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and returned to the Hot 100 in 1985 when a version by Linda Ronstadt peaked at #5. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Power always thinks it has a great soul and vast views beyond the comprehension of the weak; and that it is doing God’s service when it is violating all His laws. – John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Steve Garvey of the San Diego Padres was the MVP of the 1984 National League Championship Series. He had also won the award in 1978 when he was with the Los Angeles Dodgers, the only National League player to win the award twice. Dave Stewart has done it twice in the American League and Orel Hershiser has done it once in each league. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was Martha and the Vandellas’ biggest hit on the Hot 100? – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!