The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 1
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
With the two-time defending ESPN Cup winners and Bottom Ten perennial UMess returning to the fold, it is hardly a bulletin that the MAC takes center stage in the Week 1 Bottom Ten survey. With three teams – not to mention the conference itself – ranked this week, the MAC is (again) the team to beat – literally – in the quest for Bottom Ten glory.
The showcase leads off with two-time defending ESPNCup champion Kent State – losers of an impressive 21 straight – taking top Week 1 honors, with UMess and Akron also expected to make a mess of things.
This opening week imbroglio:
Editor’s Note: 2024 record, final Bottom Ten ranking, in parenthesis.
1. Kent State (0-12; 1st)
Mitigating Factors: Golden Flashes looking to be first team ever to win B-10 Triple Crown sponsored by the Holy Trinity with three consecutive B-10 titles, a feat that would have even Northwestern and Duke nodding in admiration…Title this year would be sixth overall – all this century – second only to Tijuana Tech’s eight titles, mostly during Eisenhower Administration.
FunFact: Golden Flashes playing for posterity this year, as B-10 coveted Team of the Quarter Century Award is their’s for the losing.
Opening Loss: Merrimack
2. UMess (2-10; 4th)
Mitigating Factors: Conference realignment hits the B-10 race, as UMess returns to MAC, meaning Oct 11 matchup at Kent State could be for all the B-10 marbles…Minutemen were 8-40 in MAC from 2012-15, establishing a high bar for B-10 excellence.
FunFact: Despite not playing UConn this year, UMess still odds-on-favorite for John Adams Spittoon, symbolic of Yankee football lousiness if they can lose to Temple.
Opening Loss: Temple
3. MAC
Mitigating Factors: With exciting addition of UMess to conference line-up, MAC could be looking at wire-to-wire run in quest for coveted B-10 Conference of the Year honors…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” MAC first conference to have teams take top two (2) spots in Week 1 survey since Border Alliance did it with Tijuana Tech, Sonora State in 1953.
FunFact: Despite occupying entire Week 1 medal stand, MAC ADs still insist strong .500 conference play mark is there for the taking.
4. Akron (4-8; NR)
Mitigating Factors: Another feather in MAC cap, Zips looking to rebound from 2024’s 4-8 finish and return to form that saw them lose 47 of 54 and win 2019 B-10 title…Biggest challenges for Zips will come the first two weeks in November, when they face Kent State and UMess in consecutive weeks.
FunFact: Zips need strong start, to quash any optimism remaining 2024’s season-ending two (2)-game winning skid.
Opening Loss: Wyoming
5. Air Force (0-0; )
Mitigating Factors: Rather than do any actual work into predicting the service academies this season, B-10 pollsters pleased to give Falcons nod in quest to win Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – again in 2025…Air Force expected to be hampered in 2025 by Air Force Secretary’s directive that all players run with arms extended like wings while covering punts and kickoffss in 2025.
FunFact: Air Force’s last losing season was in 2018, so B-10 pollsters could be out to lunch here.
Opening Loss: Bucknell
6. Southern Mississippe (1-10; 3rd)
Mitigating Factors: Current 10-game skid modest by Southern Mississippi, B-10, standards, but momentum carried over to NIL collective, with donors throwing in collective towels, offering top players used AMC Gremlins, ugly sisters as incentives to play for Golden Eagles this season.
FunFact: Hopes for second B-10 title high, with Golden Eagle fan(s) hoping squad can run table in 2025, after going from seven (7) to three (3) to one (1) win in last three (3) seasons.
Opening Loss: Mississippi State
7. Hilbert (0-10)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Hawks all in for defense of Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO…Hawks have lost 25 straight – relatively low for a Continental Cup holder – but with Franciscan school’s NIL consisting of extra Eucharist wafers and catechisms, boosters focused on long-term B-10 sustainability.
FunFact: Usually this space reserved for listing of team’s last win, but Hilbert has never won a game, reminiscent of past Continental Cup holder Anna Maria, which started 0-28.
Opening Loss: at St Vincent (9/6)
8. Nevada (3-10; 8th)
Mitigating Factors: Strong season-ending six (6)-game losing skid – their best since 2022 heroes lost final ten (10) games – has Wolpack fan(s) hoping for B-10 glory in 2025…Wolf Pack have lost 31 of 38 and have lost ten (10) games in each of the last three (3) seasons.
FunFact: UNR has not defeated a major division team that finished the season with at least ten (10) wins since 2019.
Opening Loss: at Penn State
9. Pac 12
Mitigating Factors: Pac-12 entering final year as two (2)-team conference before welcoming showcase schools like Colorado State and Utah State as one (1)-time Conference of Champions looks to become future B-10 Conference of the Year contenders…To that end, MAC, Sun Belt, C-USA all scheduled to send onboarding materials before season is out.
FunFact: Actually, despite having their athletic and academic hearts ripped out, B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” conference came out of this nonsense about as well as could be expected.
10. Duke (9-4; NR)
Mitigating Factors: Bleu Devils coming off horrific nine (9)-win season, but snag coveted final Week 1 spot as automatic courtesy entry from B-10 Alumni Association…Duke – the B-10 Team of the Decade for the Double Aughts – already guaranteed an entry in end-of-season Team of Quarter Century Poll – but strong 2025 could ensure berth on Team of Quarter Century medal stand.
FunFact: B-10 fan(s) everywhere weeping and rending garments over fact Duke and Northwestern will not be meeting in B-10 Legacy Bowl in 2025.
Opening Loss: Elon
Bottom Ten Showcase of the Week: Temple at UMess
MAC Thiller of the Week: Wyoming at Akron
Ritual Slaughter of the Week: Nevada at Penn State
Up Next On ESPN763: Merrimack at Kent State
