The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 2
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
We say it every year: the best Bottom Ten teams lose their lower-level games. And with 2024 and 2025 champions Kent State winning theirs this week, Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere are pleased to welcome Army – a Bottom Ten legacy team – back to the top spot after they lost to Tarleton State, whoever they are, in two (2) overtimes.
Elsewhere, a great Bottom Ten tradition was renewed this week, as 12-time national champion Alabama makes a courtesy appearance – and on the medal stand no less – following getting their lunch handed to them by Florida State.
This week’s mess:
1. Army (0-1; lost to Tarleton State 30-27 2OT)
Mitigating Factors: Black Knights of Confusion march straight to top of both B-10 survey and race for Sgt Bilkio Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with clutch OT loss…Cadets hampered by pregame Defense Secretary ruling requiring team to eliminate all Karens from team by playing without helmets, resulting 85 Grade 2 concussions.
FunFact: Army 0-1 following loss to lower-level team for first time since vaunted 2015 squad – which finished 2-10 – opened with heroic loss to Fordham.
Next Loss: at Kansas State
2. Alabama (0-1; lost to Florida State 31-17)
Mitigating Factors: Crimson Tide back on coveted B-10 medal stand following type of statement loss that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is first time Historically Good University (HGU) opens season with loss to another HGU that finished previous season with two (2) wins since Tijuana Tech beat Yale in 1894.
FunFact: Alabama 0-1 for first time since 2001 squad limped to 7-5 campaign.
Next Loss: UL-Monroe
3. Southern Mississippi (0-1; lost to Mississippi State 34-17)
Mitigating Factors: Golden Eagles back in hunt for second B-10 title following nation’s-best 11th-straight loss…With game tied 10-10 in second quarter, defense takes command, giving up 24 unanswered points, while offense chips in, following up touchdown with four (4) punts and an interception.
FunFact: Southern Miss 0-1 for 14th time this century.
Next Loss: Jackson State
4. UMess (0-1; lost to Temple 42-10)
Mitigating Factors: With Kent State winning, Minutemen now team to beat, literally, for 2025 MAC B-10 glory…UMess fan(s) up in arms after losing coveted spot on B-10 medal stand despite blowout loss to former B-10 stalwarts…After somehow leading 7-0 and 10-7, UMess defense finally kicks it into gear, first blowing lead then any hopes for a comeback in strong 35-0 run.
FunFact: With strength of 2025 B-10 field already apparent, this week’s game against lower-level opponent already considered must-lose, if team is to have any hopes of B-10 glory.
Next Loss: Bryant
5. Nevada (0-1; lost to Penn State 46-11)
Mitigating Factors: Wolf Pack knows key to B-10 glory is losing your games against national powers, so they take care to never be in this one, bursting out to 7-0, 10-0, 17-0, and, well you get the idea…Game not as close as score indicated, as only touchdown came with less than a minute remaining, with Penn State playing kids from the nearby Jerry Sandusky Day Care Center.
FunFact: Attendance of 107,000 more fans than Wolf Pack likely to play in front of at home for entire season.
Next Loss: Sacramento State
6. Akron (0-1; lost to Wyoming 10-0)
Mitigating Factors: With Kent State winning, Zips now team to beat, literally, in race for 2025 MAC B-10 glory…Zips offense efficient if nothing else in shutout loss, with six (6) drives taking four (4) or fewer plays…Akron coaches hopeful thorough pasting this week against name school will lay strong foundation for minefield of MAC play that begins later this month.
FunFact: Defense taken out back for post-game beatings, with coaches reinforcing point that giving up ten (10) points per game will not get job done in quest for B-10 glory.
Next Loss: at Nebraska
7. Eastern Michigan (0-1; lost to Texas State 52-27)
Mitigating Factors: With Kent State winning, Eastern Michigan now team to beat, literally, in race for 2025 MAC B-10 glory…After not appearing in Week 1 survey, Eagles now squarely on B-10’s patented TitleTrak Radar following 6th straight loss…Schedule maker kind to Eastern Michigan in 2025, as they do not play Kent State, Akron, or UMess in 2025, making path to B-10 medal stand that much easier.
FunFact: After playing in three (3) bowl games in past four (4) years, Eagles looking to get back on track that saw them go 7-41 from 2012-2015.
Next Loss: Long Island
8. Washington State (1-0; defeated Idaho 13-10)
Mitigating Factors: Erstwhile sailors in B-10 waters, Cougars enter survey (again) with completely uninspiring win against lower-level squad…Game closer than score indicated, as Cougars net only three (3) yards rushing, with B-10 pollsters “strongly suspecting” this is first time major division team has beaten lower-level team with only three (3) yards rushing since, well, they’re not too sure this has ever happened before.
FunFact: With 75 new players and a new coaching staff, and a new conference starting next year, there is nothing fun associated with Washington State football this year.
Next Loss: San Diego State
9. Kent State (1-0; defeated Merrimack 21-17)
Mitigating Factors: After consecutive B-10 titles, quest for B-10 three (3)-peat gets off to rocky start with shocking come from behind win…Offense washing its hands after this one, pointing to four (4) punts and a turnover on last six (6) drives, as special teams blows losing streak with go-ahead, 100-yard TD return.
FunFact: With squeaker of win over lower-level team setting tone, Kent State fan(s) hopeful team can start another nice, long streak this week.
Next Loss: at Texas Tech
10. MAC
Mitigating Factors: Quest for yet another coveted B-10 Conference of the Year award off to strong start, as MAC takes Week 2 honors, as full one-half of survey either a MAC team or the MAC itself.
FunFact: With sheer depth of MAC in 2025, conference staffers privately wondering if teams will be able to muster strong .500 conference play mark.
Bottom Ten Showcase of the Week: Jackson State at Southern Mississippi
MAC Thiller of the Week: Kent State at Texas Tech
This One Ain’t Going To Be Any Better: Akron at Nebraska
