The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 3
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Get out your history books, because The Bottom Ten has a couple of entries this week.
First, the MAC – the preseason pick for coveted Bottom Ten Conference of the Year Honors – makes up 70% of the survey, a record for one conference. In fact, MAC occupation of the Week 3 survey is so great, that our pollsters report circuits and fuses in their TitleTrak Radar have been blowing up all week.
Elsewhere, for the first time ever there is a tie for the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – as both Hilbert and Maine Maritime have lost 26 straight. Where the hell Maine Maritime came from is anyone’s guess, but some research shows they did not have a program for the first three seasons of the decade, and only played three games last year and were ineligible to be ranked.
This week’s fiasco:
1. UMess (0-2; lost to Bryant 27-26)
Mitigating Factors: Minutemen back in natural habitat, sitting squarely on B-10 throne following 6th-straight loss…Special teams key as botched extra point in 1st quarter prevents UMess from having shot to win in overtime…Strong finishing kick sees Minutement get outscored 17-6 in 2nd half…UMess already a statistical juggernaut, ranking 110th or worse in ten (10) official NCAA stat categories.
FunFact: With guaranteed losses to Big Ten, SEC schools coming up, Minutemen should be in top form for rigors of MAC play.
Next Loss: at Iowa
2. Eastern Michigan (0-2; lost to Long Island 28-23)
Mitigating Factors: Eagles back on coveted B-10 medal stand following nation’s-best 7th-straight loss, a strong home loss to lower-level team…Result has B-10 pollsters scratching heads as Eagles lose to Sharks, who lost to Florida who lost to South Florida…They “strongly suspect” this means something, but are not entirely sure what it is.
FunFact: Long Island reviewing contact, as road game at major division school only netted them $83.17.
Next Loss: at Kentucky
3. Akron (0-2; lost to Nebraska 68-0)
Mitigating Factors: Zips offense making it easy, pitching shutouts to start season, their first consecutive shutouts since 2019…Complete inability to pass ball, stop others from doing same, key to early B-10 success, with Zips ranking Dead Last in Team Passing Efficiency – whatever that is – and Passing Yards Allowed, as well as Next-To-Dead-Last in three (3) other categories, including Total Defense (377 ypg).
FunFact: Coaching staff thinking of going for broke, and encouraging squad to become second team ever to give up at least 600 yards per game. (UConn, 617, 2018).
Next Loss: at UAB
4. Ball State (0-2; lost to Auburn 42-3)
Mitigating Factors: Falcons creating classic B-10 run, with blowout losses to Big Ten, SEC schools setting solid tone for minefield of MAC conference play…Ball State ranks Next-To-Dead-Last in Scoring Offense (1.5 points per game) though offense gets smiley faces on playbook because it is the lowest figure of any team that has actually scored points in 2025.
FunFact: Falcons face tough road to B-10 glory, with future opponents having just .350 win percentage, the lowest amongst teams ranked in Week 3 survey.
Next Loss: New Hampshire
5. Hilbert (0-1; lost to St Vincent 28-7)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Hawks do their part, losing 26th straight to keep share of Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO…21-point loss actually closest game since 36-21 loss to Hartwick last season.
FunFact: Hawks not happy sharing Continental Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak in NATO – appointing steering committee to look into issuing challenge should teams still be tied at end of season.
Next Loss: Alfred State
5. Maine Maritime (0-1; lost to Hartwick 56-7)
Mitigating Factors: D-III Mariners earn share of Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 26th straight loss…Mariners making second appearance in B-10 survey, having been ranked in 2019’s Week 4 poll as service academy fodder, when Army, Navy, and Air Force were having (relatively) good seasons.
FunFact: D-III schools playing some awful football this year, as half of division’s 240 teams – a whopping 120 schools – have lost at least one (1) consecutive game.
Next Loss: at Norwich
7. UCLA (0-2; lost to UNLV 30-23)
Mitigating Factors: Bruins showing early mastery of fundamentals, averaging over eight (8) penalties per game…Big Ten so impressed with acquisition of UCLA, they are looking into forming second Big Ten Network to hide their games, farming them out to MAC, or returning them to Pac-12.
FunFact: Bruins GM busily reviewing B-10 onboarding materials, as UCLA hasn’t had a low-win season [two (2) or fewer wins] since going 2-7-1 in 1971.
Next Loss: New Mexico
8. Western Michigan (0-2; lost to North Texas 33-30 OT)
Mitigating Factors: Broncos make first B-10 splash of 2025, with type of clutch, home, overtime loss that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory…With easy loss coming, up this week, Broncos then have horror of MAC opener, then game against lower-level team before heading into 10/4 showdowmn at UMess.
FunFact: 11/25 finale at Eastern Michigan could be for B-10 title…Or MAC title, it’s hard to tell right now.
Next Loss: at Illinois
9. Miami, Ohio (0-2; lost to Rutgers 45-17)
Mitigating Factors: RedHawks impress Big Ten staffers looking for more bottom feeders, following strong loss to Wisconsin with quality defeat to always-tough Scarlet Knights…Rushing game consistency on both sides of ball key for strong 2025 B-10 run for RedHawks, as Miami, ranks 127th in Rushing Offense (75.5 ypg) and 105th in Rushing Defense (163.5 ypg)
FunFact: RedHawks looking for strongest B-10 run since vaunted 2014 squad went 2-10 and just missed coveted berth on B-10 medal stand.
Next Loss: UNLV
10. MAC
Mitigating Factors: Conference staffers giddy with excitement, as 70% of survey made up of either MAC teams or the MAC itself, which B-10 pollsters are “pretty sure” didn’t even happen in era of Sun Belt Conference dominance…Conference has no team with a winning record, with seven (7) 1-1 teams and six (6) 0-2 teams.
FunFact: Academic types in conference schools scratching heads thinking that MAC so bad this year, there is no way conference will be able to level up for .500 conference play mark.
Bottom Ten Showcase of the Week: New Mexico at UCLA
MAC Thiller of the Week: New Hampshire at Ball State
Hide The Women And Children: Western Michigan at Illinois
