Welcome To Hell

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Gaylon On Vacation

Friends, I am on vacation for the week. The usual crap will still run, but it might not resume until after the holiday.

Thank you for understanding,

Gaylon

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The Daily Dose/Wednesday, November 25, 2020

The Daily Dose/November 25, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience.  

Leading Off remains on hiatus.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody – The cat assists in waking Sparrow up today.   

The cat was whining left and right when I woke up…I was surprised because she had had her daily canned yummy ration when I’d gotten home in the morning, but it turned out her dry food bowl was only one-eighth full so starvation, of course, was imminent. 

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 13 – The laughs simply do not stop in the race for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy. The Bottom Ten is free this year. Enjoy.

7. Atlanta Falcons (3-7; lost to New Orleans 24-9) – Falcons back in survey, losing to Saints after disastrous two (2)-game win streak…Offensive line taking bows, allowing eight (8) quarterback sacks, while permitting only 52-yards rushing…Next Loss: Las Vegas

The Regular Guys/Chapter 3 – Lenny and Larry – loser comics going nowhere on their own – work together for the first time.

There was no backstage for amateur night. Comedians waited on the side of the stage next to the audience. Larry took the stairs leading to the stage and jumped on stage as if he were doing Swan Lake; Lenny followed, taking pictures of the crowd with his phone. 

Larry, who turned out to be a ham once you put a spotlight on him, was bowing when Lenny came and nudged him out of the way so he could bow and take more pictures, causing Larry to trip and almost fall off the stage, thereby accounting for The Regular Guys’ first laugh. 

Columns, books, shopping lists, click here to get in on the laughs.
4Ever & Ever ($8.99) and monthly ($2.99) plans available. 

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1999 – A 5-year-old Cuban boy named Elian Gonzales is picked up by a fishing boat while floating in an innertube of the Florida coast. Gonzales had set sail from Cuba with 17 others, including his mother and her common-law husband, in a 17-foot boat. Gonzales, rather reluctantly, was turned over to the Coast Guard and, after no small amount of wrangling and maneuvering, was returned to his father in Cuba seven months later. Today Gonzales, now 26, lives and works in Cuba. 

In 1983 – The Pittsburgh Penguins and the Detroit Red Wings play in front of the largest crowd in NHL history in a 5-2 Red Wings win at Joe Louis Arena in Detroit. A crowd of 21,019 watched the game, about one thousand more than its listed capacity and research into whose record the crowd broke was inconclusive. Since the NHL now plays games in baseball and football stadiums, the record has been broken many times and the NHL attendance record is now 105,491 at Michigan Stadium on Jan 1, 2014, when the Red Wings defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs 3-2 in a shootout. 

In 1972 – Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes are at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart – then known as the Bests Selling Soul Singles chart – for the second and final consecutive week with If You Don’t Know Me By Now. It was the first of four #1 soul hits for the group and the song also peaked at #3 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and remains their biggest pop hit. Harold Melvin was the original lead singer of the Blue Notes and the lead singer for the group during this era was Teddy Pendegrass. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

…these imitators mock all things, including the true, using the mask of philosophy to disguise license and responsibility.
Gore Vidal
Julian

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The two players not named Wilt Chamberlain or Bill Russell to have at least 40 rebounds in an NBA game are Nate Thurmond (San Francisco Warriors, 42, 11/9/65) and Jerry Lucas (Cincinnati Royals, 40, 2/29/64). 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Another version of If You Don’t Know Me By Now went to #1 on the Hot 100 in 1989. Who was this version by? – Answer next time!

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The Diary of a Nobody/November 24

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The Regular Guys/Chapter 3

The first few chapters of The Regular Guys are free. Enjoy. 

Lenny’s Apartment
A Big City In The Midwest

A week or so passed, and one day Larry found himself sitting in Lenny’s living room. Lenny, having decided he was now in possession of a career that wasn’t going anywhere, had relented somewhat on the idea of working with a partner. He wasn’t ready to run out and get Lenny and Larry t-shirts made up, but he was able to discuss the matter without creating force fields. 

“What are we going to do for material?” Lenny asked, logically.

“Material’s overrated,” Larry said. “We can wing it.”

“Wing it?” Lenny said as if Larry had recommended Lenny stick a pencil in his ear. “Wing it?” 

“Sure, it’s boring reciting the same lines every night; any idiot can do that; we do it every night. If we wing it we can be fresh every night.”

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 13

The Bottom Ten is free this season. Enjoy. 

The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Bottom Ten pollsters are facing a potential dilemma in the race for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy. 

Should the Jets, somehow, win a game – though they are showing no signs of doing so – and Jacksonville loses out – a possibility that cannot be dismissed out of hand – Bottom Ten pollsters will face the tough call of choosing between two (2) one (1)-win teams. This is sure to renew calls for a Bottom Ten playoff, especially if neither team gets their bribery check into the office in time.

This week’s fiasco as the nags head into the far turn: 

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The Daily Dose/Tuesday, November 24, 2020

The Daily Dose/November 24, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience.  

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow actually tries to pay a bill before he’s allowed to.   

In the mail recently was a card advising the registration on the new ride is will be due at the end of the year, and there’s a grace period here in this state, so it’s not get-pulled-over- because-it’s-late due until the end of January…There was a time when a grace period would have interested ol’ Sparrow, but not anymore…Regular readers of this crap know “get a bill, pay a bill” is my motto now and in a move unprecedented in my the history of my life I actually logged on to pay it right thenand I was told I was too early, that online payments can’t be made until 30 days before the due date, the first time yours truly has been too early pay a bill. 

 The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13: Can anyone stop Akron in the race for the ESPNCup? Well, Vanderbilt probably could, but those two teams don’t meet in 2020. The Bottom Ten is with our compliments this season.

2. Vanderbilt (0-7; lost to Florida 38-17)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores still control B-10 medal stand destiny, retaining coveted B-10 medal stand berth in eighth straight loss…Commodores still reeling from turn-of-century merger of Athletic, Student Affairs departments, as girls enrolled in Rich Kids Having Rich Kids program take over training table as pregame meal of Similac instead of steak and eggs results in players wanting in-game naps.
As Long As Your History Books Are Out: 0-7 for fourth time ever, Commodores approaching uncharted waters as team has never been 0-8 before.
Next Loss: Tennessee

The Regular Guys/Chapter 2: Ann meets Lenny and Larry after a performance and suggests they work together. The first few chapters are free of charge.

“You know,” Ann said. “You two should really perform together. You’d make a nice team.”

Lenny and Larry looked at Officer Ann Shelton as if she had suggested Lenny and Larry enjoy sexual congress with a yak. To really show his surprise, Lenny raised one eyebrow up, which annoyed Larry because he couldn’t do it. 

The idea, evidently, had not occurred to them. 

Columns, books, shopping lists, click here to get in on the laughs.
4Ever & Ever ($8.99) and monthly ($2.99) plans available.

On This Date
The long march to today.

In  1971 – A man who identified himself as D.B. Cooper hijacks a plane flying between Portland and Seattle, asks for and receives a ransom and later parachutes out of the plane. Cooper handed a stewardess and note saying he had a bomb and among his demands were $200,000 and four parachutes. The plane landed in Seattle at 5:30 pm., Cooper’s demands were met and the plane took off at 7:40 pm, minus the original passengers. At about 8:13 pm – above a location that has was never definitely determined – Copper opened an aft door and jumped out. Though some of the money was recovered, Copper, nor any sign of him, has never been found. 

In 1960 – Wilt Chamberlain of the Philadelphia 76ers establishes a new NBA record for most rebounds in a game in a 132-129 loss to the Boston Celtics. Chamberlain had 55 rebounds, breaking the record of 51 established by Bill Russell of the Celtics the previous February and Chamberlain’s record still stands. Chamberlain finished the year with 2,149 rebounds, an average of 27.2 rebounds per game, two more NBA records that still stand. 

In 1979 – The Commodores are at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart – then known as the Hot Soul Singles chart – for the only week with Still. It was the group’s sixth of seven #1 soul songs and their eleventh of 16 Top 10 soul hits. Earlier, the song had spent one week at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and also peaked at #4 in Great Britain. In 1981 a version by John Schneider peaked at #69 on the Hot 100. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Everyman achieved his own greatness by reaching out beyond himself, and so it is with nations…Only when a nation means something to itself can it mean something to others.
Werner Von Braun

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The first Top 40 hit for Starship – then the Jefferson Airplane – was Somebody To Love which went to #5 in 1967.

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

How many players other than Wilt Chamberlain or Bill Russell have had more than 40 rebounds in an NBA game. ? – Answer next time!

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The Diary of a Nobody/November 23

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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13

The Bottom Ten is free to you, our valued reader, this season. 

The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy 

It’s next loser up at The Bottom Ten this week as with Texas State, UNLV and the hilarious Bottom Ten Alumni Association entry all exiting the survey this week there are plenty of openings at the Bottom Ten Inn.. 

It’s a historic week at The Bottom Ten, too, as, for the first time ever, the race for the ESPNCup sees half the entries taken up by one conference as the MAC itself and four of its teams are ranked in this week’s survey. 

This week’s mess:

Editor’s Note: With most of the lower level schools not playing this year, the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – is not being awarded this year. 

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The Regular Guys/Chapter 2

The first few chapters of The Regular Guys are on the house.

Ramada Inn Lounge
A Medium Sized Town In the Midwest

At the Ramada Inn lounge, depressingly named Impressions or Reflections or some such nonsense, Lenny and Larry took the stage, separately, as scheduled. Neither could remember the name of whatever it was they were appearing at, but that was all right. They had been paid their agreed-upon fee at the appointed time, their rooms were ready, if not completely resplendent, when they arrived, the crowd was pretty good and they were pleased. 

After the evening’s labors were completed Ann joined them at the bar. Both Lenny and Larry’s sets were done and the show was over. Nearby members of The Precision Broomstick Brigade were signing autographs. 

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The Regular Guys – A Novel by Gaylon Kent

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