The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

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 Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, November 29
A day off without The Wife or Her Majesty and I’m on my own for three, maybe four meals.

I seldom cook, so I was not up to date on the contents of the refrigerator…Some investigation showed some bacon and a carton of eggs…I know from consecutive days of turkey sandwiches that we had bread and mayo…Since I can make a sandwich out of the day’s mail, I was able to make a pretty good sandwich.

I hadn’t cooked bacon in years and I was never particularly good at it…My brother was, but I never really did it enough to become proficient…So it shouldn’t be too surprising I pretty much burned the slices in the middle of the pan, tho the slices towards the outside actually came out pretty good.

As I put the bacon on some paper towels so I could fry up an egg or two I wondered where in thee hell I was going to put the grease…I do not have the Good Housekeeping seal, but I seemed to recall The Wife advising me never to pour it down the drain…Pa Sparrow always kept an old coffee can around for bacon grease, but our old coffee cans are used for cat poop so I put the grease in a small bowl for later dispersal by The Wife …I’ve learned over the years she likes having household problems like this to deal with when she comes home…She doesn’t want the house to be a complete mess, but she liked to know she’s needed.

For this morning’s sandwich, I cracked two eggs directly into the pan!!!…I am not making that up!!!…Then I took a spatula and broke it and mixed it up and whatnot, then when it wasn’t the consistency of snot, I put it on top of the bacon and added half a jar of mayo.

Lunch was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich…Dinner was at the Mexican joint in the next county…The Wife wasn’t altogether thrilled to hear this – I happened to call her right after my final belch – because she likes the Mexican joint in the next county, too, but you leave your husband alone and these things happen…Pretty much every time, too…To justify my trip to the next county I stopped by the retailer out there to get a box of the canned yummies the cat favors…This was tenuous at best because we can now buy individual cans of her yummies at the retailer in town.

One thing I do differently than The Wife is I leave both porch lights on all the time…I can never remember to turn them on and off as the day progresses, so I just leave them on all the time…Recall we’re using green lights on the porch right now, so our house has a nice extra-terrestrial hue to it at night.

I was able to wash some clothes without assistance, but the dishes still aren’t done.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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