The Diary of a Nobody – Sunday April 15, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, April 15
Made another Sparrow For Congress video today…This one was about our country’s recent missile strikes in a Middle Eastern country and, more specifically, how this is an act war and should have been declared by Congress but wasn’t…It was decided unilaterally by the president.

I don’t see how this gets screwed up…I mean, the Constitution is very clear on the matter: Congress declares war. It’s right there in Article One, Section 8 yet some are surprised to learn Congress hasn’t actually declared war since 1942. Korea, Vietnam, the Gulf War, every war since then has not been declared by Congress.

I try to keep these to a minute-and-half for a couple of reasons…One, no one really wants to hear me blab for a whole lot longer than that and, two, attention spans aren’t really what they used to be so people will start to lose interest after that, especially the kids under 30 who will be the ones who get me elected.

I do it right at my desk, on my phone…I have some Velcro on the back of the phone and a strip near the camera on my desktop rig and – and this is key – there’s an online teleprompter I use so I don’t have to memorize my script or keep looking down at note cards…I also give the peace sign the start and at the end and at the start I took off my glasses for emphasis which ended up looking pretty sharp if I do say so myself.

The phone also makes it really easy to trim the start and end of the video so I don’t need the remote control which doesn’t work anymore for some goddamn reason…You get the phone Velcroed into place and hit start and you’re recording and I will give a 3-2-1 countdown with my hand and pause for a couple of seconds before starting in…The teleprompter’s speed you can control out of camera range with the up and down buttons on your keyboard, too, which is important because sometimes you get ahead of yourself and need to speed it up or you fall behind and you need to slow it down…Or maybe it’s the opposite of that…I can never remember…All I know is I am constantly adjusting the teleprompter’s speed. 

Had a video chat today with a kid named Jeff…Jeff went to high school with my cousin Brent and is interested in doing some social media/online marketing work for Sparrow For Congress…Crap, he was well prepared and I spent most of the hour we chatted answering questions about myself, the campaign and my positions…He had them all written out and I even got some good-natured scolding when my answers took longer than Jeff was looking for.

I think this election is winnable…I need help, of course, any candidate does, of course, and Jeff and his brother Jonathan, who also participated in the chat, seem enthused though no one committed to anything yet…At the end they asked if I had any questions for them and I said no…Brent recommended them and Brent is family so if Brent thinks Jeff is qualified and Jeff thinks Jeff is qualified than ol’ Sparrow should probably hope Jeff wants to get involved and stay out of his way.

Brent is the stepson of my cousin Danny…I haven’t seen him too much over the years, but we caught up a couple of weeks ago and he even sent a contribution to Sparrow For Congress…Danny’s father – my Uncle Dan – and my mother were siblings…Uncle Dan was in the Navy like me and my Dad were and he died a few years back…He and Auntie Muriel hosted the family Christmas Eve gathering for years and I still remember Uncle Dan selling me his desk blotter for $10 when I was ten or so.

Sparrow Sleep Log: 8:30am Sunday morning until 3pm Sunday afternoon…6.5 hours…Typically, I was hoping for a bit more because I do not have the retailer tonight, only Hotel B, but I was up feeling good at 3 for some reason…I would like to blame the cat, but I can’t…I gave her canned yummies when I got home, specifically so she wouldn’t wake me up begging for them…As usual, she trotted into the bedroom and greeted me before losing interest and trotting back out.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Sunday Bottom Ten – April 15, 2018

The Sunday Bottom Ten #12 – April 15, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

It’s back.

Fresh off last week’s triumphant Best of the Last Ten Weeks column, the Sunday Bottom Ten pollsters are back with the witless social commentary that has made The Sunday Bottom Ten an American classic.

This week’s mess:

1. Paul Ryan
Mitigating Factors:  A Speaker of the House who’s not 110-years-old retiring with his own party in the White House???…He’s bailing, of course…Over three dozen other House Republicans also retiring or seeking other offices like dog catcher???…This is a vote of no confidence in the president, doubt that at your peril.
FunFact: The GOP should go away…They have not produced a decent elected president since Eisenhower (Ford did will in circumstances the Son of Man would have found challenging) and two (2) years of control of both Congress and the White House has produced nothing of substance save a half-ass tax bill that could have gone farther.

2. War With Syria
Mitigating Factors: US, along with Britain and France, again trying to save world with airstrikes against country suspected of gassing their own people…Sunday B-10 pollsters don’t like gassing anyone anymore than you do, but would like to point out that this war, like every other war America has fought since War II has not been declared by Congress, even though this is specified in the Constitution…American media, long derelict in their duties, already onboard, despite US has been at war daily since 1989 and the only dividend war produces is more war.
FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Congress’ abrogation their prerogative to declare war still one America’s great tragedies.  

3. Gaylon For Congress
Mitigating Factors: Money pouring in as recent contributions from indulgent uncle, tolerant cousin push war chest up into three figures…Still though, with GOP imploding and usual Democrat misfits slated for primary, this could be the year Colorado’s 3rd Congressional District sends message to selves, rest of state, nation they are demanding better government.
FunFact: New ebook titled We The People: Making America America Again scheduled for release later this month…Thoughtful, entertaining and mercifully short, it can be read over your lunch hour and features logical, non-partisan thoughts on our country’s problems.

4. Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mitigating Factors:  Iconic, groundbreaking movie-mocking show still fun to kill some idle hours with…Recently viewed Touch of Satan movie lampooned in ninth season actually wasn’t too bad as MST3K movies go…Acting was somewhat OK, though plot was kind of slow, though in a leisurely, interesting sort of way.
FunFact: Scene where deputy gets murdered with a hook by a witch, was actually done really well.

5. NCAA Basketball
Mitigating Factors: With NCAA tournament out of the way, fans now free to focus on filling out bribery scandal brackets as Kansas, North Carolina State recently added to teams involved in scam to pay parents of top players who committed to play for these teams…This follows earlier indictments against ten assistant coaches charged with accepting payments for steering players to certain agents, tailors.
FunFact: There is nothing fun associated with the NCAA anymore…An enabler of child molesters and racketeers, it should just go away.

6. Major League Baseball
Mitigating Factors: MLB reeling from decision to hold openers right after the New Year has resulted on over one (1) dozen postponements in 2018…Solution could lie in having teams who play in south, west, domed stadiums open with long homestands instead of giving Twins, Cubs, White Sox opportunities to hold ski jumping clinics at Opening Day Fan Fests.
FunFact: If MLB is insistent on opening season concurrent with Spring Equinox maybe they could hold pagan ceremonies at stadiums, with Wiccans throwing out ceremonial first pitch.

7. Mike D’Antoni
Mitigating Factors: Houston Rockets coach, still looking for first NBA title along with his star players, already laying groundwork for second-round exit by saying season won’t be judged on whether or not Rockets win NBA title as best regular season record really shows what team’s about.
FunFact: D’Antoni in 14th season, still far from record for most seasons coached without title (31, Don Nelson) but Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” D’Antoni still holds head high at annual Best Coaches Never To Win NBA Title banquet.

8. St Peter’s Peacocks (0-27)
Mitigating Factors: Peacocks perfect week (0-7) and current 66-game losing skid ensures retention of Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO…While Peacocks have so far feasted on 172nd most difficult schedule in country, rest of way fraught with peril as future opponents only have .354 winning percentage.
FunFact: Peacocks still couldn’t hit Sunday B-10 pollsters if they ran across home plate and ducked a little bit, batting only .191 as a team.

9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: A slow fortnight since we last reported figures, with 2018 only up slightly to 56 strikes and 278 deaths, though US military, Special Olympics officials eager to point virtually all of US drone strike deaths military in nature.
FunFact: As with hot new missile strikes against Syria, drone strikes in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen acts of war, however, also like Syria, they wars that have not been declared by the United States Congress, despite being required by Constitution, US, version 1.0.
Source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism

10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: 205 days until election that will send a message to America and the world regardless of results…With GOP incapable of governing and Democrats without a national standard-bearer to rally around this could be time America says enough and sheds the status quo at the ballot box, though America does not have a real strong history of this.
FunFact: Neither major party has a long-term plan for anything more than further consolidating wealth and power…In November us Americans will decide either to accept this or to discard it…Our call.  

Thought for the Week:  People are more disposed to suffer than right themselves by resistance. – John Locke

The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Ten columns Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Saturday April 14, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, April 14
Screwed up morning coffee this afternoon, neglecting to put the pot all the way in…This resulted in the thingy on top overflowing, spilling on the top of the dryer, where the coffee pot is kept…Fortunately, we keep a towel on top of the dryer, insurance against Sparrow doing exactly this, and it sopped it all up.

Now, here is where The Wife being off house sitting causes problems: if she is not house sitting, if she is around The Shire regularly, I clean up and toss the towel in the wash…She’s not tho, so I left it as it, not wanting to interfere with the natural order.

Also, with The Wife gone, clean laundry tends to be stowed on the kitchen table.

At the retailer, I spent most of the time working a register…I was at #3 with nothing to do because we were very slow when this rather tedious looking woman summons me over to the service desk, where she is doing something or another with Customer Service Sam, who had gone off in search of a manager to deal with her crap…I get there and it turns out she is cashing a check…Or trying to, Customer Service Sam initially saying no because her ID is expired…Evidently, since I am white and Customer Service Sam is black – not to mention from Senegal so he talks funny – I’d have the good sense to authorize this transaction…Well, I told her, no I won’t…You must have a valid ID to cash a check here…What I wanted to tell her was you should probably take better care of your identification papers and stop trying to finagle your way around the rules…Or get a checking account. 

There’s a rather amiable older gentleman we see every day…I was working my beloved Aisle 5 when he stopped by with some stuff in a cart and asked me if we had fig newtons…Crap, I thought, you’d think so…They’re pretty common and it’s probably in the bylaws somewhere that we have to have them so I go and look and we had them but not the Leading National Brand (LNB), we had the house brand which the gentleman turned his nose up at which was surprising because when he came thru Aisle 5 a few minutes later he had four packages of the house brand oatmeal cookies…Hell, I think I’d rather eat some old carpeting than that…I asked him if these were snacks or a meal plan and he said snacks…Five a day plus some milk are keys to his good health.


      – You’re a maniac.
– I know. 

Towards the end of the shift, a young woman came by the service desk looking for her lost wallet…She was completely stoned, too, you could see it in her eyes…Her wallet was long and “sparkly” with “turds” on it…I am not making that up!!!…A girl lost a wallet with turd designs on it…Christ, I thought my generation had taken the gene pool down a notch letting our boxer shorts hang below our cutoffs but this took it to a whole ‘nother level…Good gravy…Crap designs on personal accessories…Anyway, I checked and told her no, no wallets with turds on them had been turned in.

Then Shawna, who works clothing, which is near the service desk came by to report the girl was “a piece of work”…I nodded, adding girls like that made me glad I never reproduced cause I’d probably be a drunk right now…Shawna said the girl, who’s 18 or so, had tried to date her son who is four years younger which didn’t go over well with Shawna at all.

“But I let her hang out for a while, at the house tho,” she said. “So my son could see what a loser she was. If you tell him you can’t see her he’s going to see her anyway.”

Did it work?

“Yeah, he stopped asking her over…Plus me hissing at her probably gave her a clue, too.”

Reporting for duty at Hotel A tonight Nicole said she is still all set to start moving into her new house Sunday…She said the rent is paid in her current place through the end of the month and that could have caused some money issues but one of her new roommates said the rent was paid on the new place till the end of the month so the rent karma worked out…One problem is Nicole doesn’t have a car and that will make moving difficult…Ol’ Sparrow would have offered to help but I sleep days and have the retailer and whatnot…The big thing is she is relieved not to have to worry about having her deodorant stolen anymore.

Later I gave Nicole some glass cleaner training…She had spent part of her shift cleaning windows – the pool is adjacent to the lobby and there are lots of windows – and she was out of window cleaner…Well, most hotels have dispensers for stuff like this so they don’t have to buy it by the bottle and I took Nicole to the maid’s room where they a dispenser for this…Select the cleaner you need, press the button and add water because it’s concentrated…Nicole fretted that it wouldn’t clean very good but we went back to the lobby and tried a test window and it earned Nicole’s seal of approval.

Sparrow Sleep Log: 8:30am Saturday morning until 2:30pm Saturday afternoon…Officially, I’m “surprised” I don’t sleep longer on Saturdays…I mean, when I went down this morning I’d been up for 26 hours, normal for Saturday morning, but so is waking up mid-afternoon, too….I think it’s because I’d had 24 hours of sleep since I got off work Wednesday morning, a nap and two nine-hour sessions, so it was hardly as if I was deprived.

Slept well, too, so well there wasn’t any waking up to use the can around noon or so, as there sometimes is, and I dreamt pleasantly tho don’t ask me what about because I seldom remember.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Friday April 13, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, April 13
One of the nice things about living up here is people give you processed wild game left and right…A while ago our friend Patty, from the retailer, gave us a pound of mountain lion, which she had shot, and processed herself…Now, I don’t really favor shooting mountain lions, they’re cats after all and cats are cute, but the cat was preying on some of Patty’s animals and in that case I probably would have shot it, too…The Wife made some mountain lion burgers and they were pretty good.

This week someone gave The Wife a buttload of elk…I even fried some up today for lunch before heading in for a shift at the retailer…In what has to be considered an upset, I managed to fry up an elk patty without setting off the smoke alarm, a claim The Wife, an expert cook, can’t always make…Given the choice, I think I’d prefer mountain lion, but elk is really good, too, especially when someone gives you ten pounds of it.

DO NOT OPEN FOOD IN LINE!!!…Good gravy, wait until you are, at least, outside the door before you start eating…We’ve discussed this before…Usually, the culprits are kids whose parents let them do whatever the hell they want at the retailer, but today it was a group of alleged adults that had a veritable buffet going in the self-checkout line…Chips, cookies, soda and just once I’d like to see their credit card declined so I can ask them exactly how they intended to pay for the crap they are eating.

Other winners who stopped by the retailer today were these two guys with BO you could smell five feet away…Ingrained BO, too, the type that heralds a lot of time outdoors…I was working my beloved Aisle 5 when the waddled up…The first guy was buying a birthday card and something else, some cream or salve or balm…He wanted to know how much the card was so I price checked it and told him $1.97…Wow, he said, that’s all and I said yeah and he said wow again and announced he was going to go find a nicer, more expensive card…His buddy, who also reeked from here to Leadville, also left because he forgot to buy coffee along with his dog food…The guys come back later and the wizard had upgraded to a card that cost almost $8 and combined with his cream/salve/balm he didn’t have sufficient cash to pay for it!!!…I am not making that up!!!…He had to borrow three bucks from his buddy, who barely had that in his wallet!!!

Early on I rang up this guy buying toilet paper…This is a pretty dull transaction even for this crap, but I include it because it reminded me that we were down to our last roll at The Shire…Immediately after the guy left the desk I hustled to the paper section and bought some toilet paper because I am at the age now where I forget things I don’t act on immediately…Then I ran out to put it in the car so I wouldn’t forget it in the store or breakroom…Usually The Wife takes care of this, but recall she is off house sitting so it is up to me to do things like this…I am also cleaning the cat box regularly instead of every now and then like I used to.

Lacey really let a great belch go in the break room today…She is sitting right next to me, too, in the row comfortable chairs to the right was you walk in…She had a table pulled up and I’m next to her watching MST3K on my phone when BOOM! out of nowhere a belch that probably set a Richter scale or two off…I mean, I spent four years on an old diesel submarine and even I was impressed…For her part, Lacy credited the soda she was drinking, but she drinks soda all the time and this was her first belch that I could remember.

This led me to note that I could belch on command and when no one commanded me to belch I mentioned it again, and again until Lacy commanded me to belch which I did because I’ve been able to belch on command since I was a boy…It wasn’t Belch of the Year, certainly not on par with Lacy’s, but it made her smile and seemed to impress her.

Sold several bikes today..Kiddie bikes are priced to move right now at $25 out front and the first sale was a fiasco because they are locked up and nobody knew the combination to the lock…This is hardly a surprise but I saved the day by going out front, noticing it was a combination lock and trying, just for funsies, our four digit store number as the combination and voila that was it!!!…I ask only to serve.

Nicole was at Hotel A when I got there after my shift at the retailer…Recall last week her big news was she was scoping out a new place to live and she was pleased to report they picked her…She said she and the gal who was coordinating the new roommate search hit it off so well they ended up at a bar before even going to the house…Nicole’s big concern, of course, is that nobody break in and steal her deodorant and she reported her new roommate guaranteed that wouldn’t be a problem.

Nicole’s a good kid…Originally from Wisconsin, she could relate to the story I told her about the time I saw a concert on the lawn of the state capitol in Madison (actually I’ve done that twice with different women but don’t tell anybody)…She has also lasted longer than the last couple of desk clerk wizards we’ve hired and hopefully, she’ll stick around for a while.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 9pm Thursday night (more or less) till 6am Friday morning…6am is a bit earlier than I wanted to wake up because I will be up till 8am or so Saturday morning, but I slept a lot and I slept well so I will be OK…I put some coffee on and immediately settled in for a productive morning working on a couple of writing projects.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Thursday April 12, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, April 12
Got the first yard work of the season in today…I started by raking some sticks and small tree branches from the front but soon enough The Wife pulled me for duty in the back garden…This was tuff work at time because my job was to use the four-pronged thingy to turn over the soil, both in the garden and in the strip between the garden and the fence and there are rocks a few inches down (we think there was a rock bed many years ago) and some of the roots were tuff to dig up…Also, I kept stepping on the rhubarb plant, which bravely survived the winter though my beloved artichokes did not.

The artichokes were a treat last year…If your only frame of reference for artichokes is eating the leafy green part you are missing out because when you let them bloom they turn a gorgeous purple and I’m hoping they come back this year…We had about a dozen blooming and they all bloom at different times, so we cut some down and entered four of them in the fair and they won the First Premium Ribbon, which hangs next to the Second Premium Ribbon The Wife won for her turnips two years ago.

After the garden was tilled The Wife went and got a sack of leaves from the side of the carport…I thought she was going to toss them in our trash bag but no, she spread them over the garden soil…I asked about this and she said the leaves had been aging for two years which made me laugh…Some people age scotch, my wife ages leaves.

The lawn will need to be mowed soon.

We suspect – strongly suspect – that the old coffee shop next door is going to be a car rental place, though our only clue is a sign in the back of the contractor’s pick-up saying “Dollar Rent-A-Car”…The edge of a small town might seem to be an odd place for a car rental shop, but the regional airport is, literally, three minutes away and it’s certainly close enough for shuttle service…We still haven’t seen anybody working there, though…The Wife and I were out mid-morning and we didn’t see anyone working there, despite the fact there is a large motorhome, the pick-up and the contractor’s trailer.

Did a full shift at the retailer today and not only was it slow, even worse it was boring…There were no bachelor purchases and I wasn’t even able to trot my trust line about scanning kids because they were half off this week.  

It looked the big excitement of the day was going to be the $2 bill I took in from someone paying cash for a money transfer to Honduras…We seldom see these and it didn’t last long because I soon issued it as change to someone else but then Anacinth ralphed right in the middle of Action Alley and that picked matters up a lot…I had just returned to the service desk from helping a customer find something and Anacinth was in the middle of a transaction when she looked at me and instructed me to take over…She looked terrible, too and she didn’t make it to the bathrooms which are located in the back of the store…We were denied the pleasure of hearing it, but then Anacinth popped her head around the freezer case and requested some towels and I took them and saw it.

I’ll tell you what, I dealt with ralph from time to time working casino security in Vegas…Usually, you’re OK seeing it but get a whiff of it and then it’s tough and I did everything I could not to even look at it….The days when barf is cool to look have long passed.

Then Mary gets in a thrilling conversation with a woman she knows (Mary knows everybody) and the woman is detailing every one of her illnesses and maladies and there is no shortage of them…Good gravy, this was tedious and I was only treated to bits and pieces of the conversation but evidently the lady was stretching known medical boundaries because her case has been referred to the CDC or the NIH or maybe the NCAA for all I know…Or care, really…I’ve never spent a day in the hospital and I have zero prescriptions but Mary likes chatting like this, but I got her out of it when I requested fives and ones for my drawer.

Sparrow Sleep Log: 10pm Wednesday to 7am Thursday morning…9 hours…I also snuck a four-hour nap in Wednesday morning and afternoon so I woke up pretty well rested and offhand I’m thinking we should top last week’s total by a couple-three hours.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – April 11, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, April 11
Spent some time with the latest coach for our Post baseball team this morning after work. His name is Kellen and he’s our second coach in a month…Recall Rusty retired after last season and last month I hired a kid named Ryan who I liked a lot but evidently either he or his wife found a job out of town and the next thing I know Jim the Adjutant has hired Kellen…I didn’t know any of this until right before last night’s Post meeting which is my fault for not keeping track of my email…This is one reason I am not running for reelection as commander…Between working as much as I do and writing and a hopefully spirited Congressional campaign, I am not paying attention to the job as I would like and the job ain’t that taxing to begin with.

Some put a lot of stock in having played college ball and knowing the game, but that doesn’t mean squat…Coaching is different than playing and we need a coach who can teach kids the lessons baseball has to teach and that is what I told Kellen over coffee this morning…I told him I had fielded more than one parental complaint about how hard Rusty worked the kids, but that’s good…Success in baseball, and other things, comes from hard work and I told Kellen that I wanted the kids treated firmly but fairly and I would support whatever he did in this regard short of daily beatings which made Kellen laugh.

We also talked about the Commander’s Award, which I’ve been passing out for the past few seasons…I told Kellen it was not automatically given to the best player…The words on the plaque are loyalty, integrity and leadership and the winner should display these qualities…Sure, he should be able to field a ground ball and not bail out on a curveball and whatnot but really it’s an award for a good player and a good teammate…I told Kellen this because the coach actually picks the recipient, not me. 

Kellen was actually at the Post meeting last night…He introduced himself and answered some questions and said we should have 13-15 kids on our team this year, which are good numbers…We working with the state Legion office to get an official Legion league out here in the hinterlands, but I don’t think there are going to be enough teams to pull that off…Still, though, if we have a good enough season we might be able to qualify for B Division state tournament…We actually won it a few years back and it was a lot of fun.

I think our neighbors across the street actually moved out…Recall I could have sworn they were moving in last week…They had a U-Haul and it really looked like they were moving things in…But the house appears to be vacant…There aren’t any lights on at night and the driveway is empty…This actually makes sense…The house is for sale and the online listing says it’s now empty, the pics were of the old furnishings that were moved out…They’re asking $220,000 for it which seems a bit high, but the guy down the street got $330,000

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Tuesday, April 10
Presided over my penultimate meeting of my Legion post tonight…I decided that four terms are enough and announced at the last meeting that ol’ Sparrow will not be running for yet another term as commander…When I was first elected commander pretty much anyone who wanted to be commander had been commander and the joke I was signing on for a life term, but I am pleased to report that is no longer the case…Our post has done a very good job of getting new members and Senior Vice Commander Natalie is ready to take over and while I could probably have the job as long as I wanted it, there is no reason to stifle future leaders. 

About 4pm or so Adjutant Jim gives me a call…I had just woken up and was sitting at my desk, with coffee, farting around online and Jim asks if I could get the post an hour or so early because he was having what he termed a “cow incident” at the ranch…While I preside over meetings Jim is responsible for the agenda and usually does most of the talking and he had some things for me in case he couldn’t make it…He said he was heading to the Post to drop them off while he waited for the vet to come out to the ranch…As it turned out, Jim made it right as the meeting started…Later he would say one of his cows was giving birth and the calf was coming out backwards…I know some pig farmers here and when that happens to them they reported they just reach right on up, grab some groceries, turn it around and wheel the little piggie out but evidently, you can’t do that with cows.

It was a fairly short meeting but we did get some work in on our Memorial Day ceremony at the cemetery…We do this very well – if you listen closely you can always here some weeping – and we are pretty well set on what we are going to do.

Some might recall that a couple of years ago we passed out flags to widows of veterans who died the previous year…I still remember me and VFW Commander Tony passing these out in a very moving ceremony…It was as useful a thing as I’ve ever done and I well remember it…Everything was in sharp focus, commonplace objects were significantly refined, a sensation that doesn’t come around all that often…Last year we had a riderless horse that more or less behaved and boy, that was moving, too.

This year we could find no reason not to do both…There are five veterans who have died recently and the riderless horse is available and we are even throwing in a drummer to drum out cadence for us.

I so enjoyed distributing flags I announced that because this will be my last Memorial Day as commander I will be part of the flag distribution regardless of whatever other duties I may have…Last year I was a sentry in the changing of the guard ceremony, mainly because I can still fit into my uniform and I also announced if I do that again provisions must be made to accommodate me issuing flags…I don’t normally treat the post to raw displays of my power like this, but I feel strongly about this. 

My final meeting as commander will be next month when I preside over elections…Our installation ceremony will be in June, so I guess I will preside over that, too, at least until the new commander is sworn in.

I know I declared winter over last week, but I am still wearing my quilted pants…It’s still below freezing at night and they’re pretty comfortable pants and I’ve seen no reason to change them yet…For things like this you gotta trust your instincts…Last week I wore a pair of the Dickies I wear when it warms up and while it’s not that cold it still felt funny so I only wore them that once…The quilted pants will let me know when it’s time to put them away for the season.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 8:30 Tuesday morning until 3:30 Tuesday afternoon…Seven hours, not too bad and it might even be a little more than that because I was home well before 8am and crawled right into bed and did a little reading but not too much so the exact total might be seven hours and 15 minutes but the official tally in the Sparrow Sleep Log Book (SSLB) is still going to be seven hours.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was, and remains, inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Monday April 9, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, April 9
There was a new guy at Hotel B when I reported for graveyard duty Sunday night…His name’s Jess and because nobody tells the part-time night auditor squat I didn’t know about him.

Let me tell you something, you go to work and find someone there, you wonder if you’d been canned…There’s no reason for ol’ Sparrow to be canned – night auditors who show up every night and work on their personal writing projects religiously do not grow on trees – but you never know…He still didn’t know some things, like how to drop money a cash customer gives you…This happens a lot in this business…I’m sure he’d been trained on it, but he hadn’t done it for reals yet and it was a simple matter to show him…As it was, the guest had also checked out and Jess didn’t know how to handle this either…The correct thing to have done was nothing…Thank the guest for choosing us for getting his quickie in and I’ll take care of the rest…As it was, Jess meant well and tried to adjust his folio which ended up showing the guest owed us $600, but that was easy to take care of, too.

In other Hotel B news the scanner is running normally now, too…Kathy obtained some fairy dust and sprinkled it and we can now scan multiple documents at the same time, instead of having to them individually…Since I will whine about anything, I am lauding the fact this is saving me all of 15 minutes over the course of an eight hour night. 

There’s some evidence work is being on the lot next door to The Shire…Many years ago there was a coffee shop there…Based on the old, worn sign it was named GG’s…It was probably a pretty smart looking building in its heyday, there’s a windmill high above the front door and a long cover extending out for cars to park under, probably for bellhop service, which gives you an idea how old it is…Anyway, the GG’s sign has been taken down – tossed in a pile of other detritus – and though we have yet to see actual people working there it is plain something is being done. 

I went looking for some 5×8 cards at the retailer Sunday night…I keep some on my desk because I write crap and I’ve got a Congressional campaign to run and there are times when I need to write things down because I’m old and can’t remember squat anymore…The problem was they are completely redoing the stationery department – called flipping in the trade – and my treasured 5×8 cards were not in their usual place.

I was standing there staring at their usual spot weeping when Department Manager Carol came up and asked what was wrong…I told her and after she dried my tears with a tissue she said they hadn’t been out back out yet and were conveniently being stored in the back until the makeover was complete and she went and got me some…She did not have a logical answer to my query as to why there was such a pressing need to redo the stationery section, either.

The retailer does this crap all the time and it is common to take a customer to go find something and not find it where it was last time, especially with seasonal items…Or to find items in multiple places…For example, toilet brushes can be found in hardware (the really good ones), with the cleaning supplies and in the home furnishings section…There might even be some in the dairy case for all I know.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 9am Monday until 4:30pm Monday…Satisfactory…I could have gone longer but the cat woke me up, which is rare because she wanted her canned yummies…With The Wife housesitting and me keeping odd hours she’s been getting yummies pretty much whenever she whines for them and I don’t want to encourage this behavior so I didn’t give her yummies right off…I made coffee and generally enjoyed morning routine at leisure and eventually she dined on the dry food she always available.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Diary of a Nobody – Sunday April 8, 2018

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, April 8
Boy, the cat was really crying for her canned yummies before I was even in the door this morning…It was as if she’d never eaten before and I could hear her on the porch before I even opened the kitchen door because both The Wife and I had forgotten to issue the cat her nightly ration of canned yummies before both of us scooted out the door (recall she is housesitting in town) Saturday night…The cat was so pissed about the entire matter she knocked over the trash can in the kitchen, the usual sign we had been derelict in our duties…Recall she usually gets yummies at night, but mainly so she wouldn’t kill me when I slept, I immediately authorized a morning ration.

Got some solid Aisle 5 time tonight at the retailer…Back when I was a cashier I loved working Aisle 5 for some reason but I don’t work it too much now that I’m at the service desk but there we had few cashiers tonight but service desk clerks out the wazoo, so I spent virtually all my four hours shift there.

Had a decent bachelor purchase!!!…A guy in his 30’s come up with a box of Cheez-Itz, a couple of packages of the cheapest hot dogs we had and the obligatory packages of 88-cent buns because you can’t eat hot dogs with your bare hands…He also had a couple of boxes of shells and cheese, the leading national brand, too, which was heartening to see because there’s a big difference between the leading national brand and the house brand and it is worth it to fork over the extra buck or two…Plus it’s good for morale, knowing you’ve earned enough the past couple of weeks to get the good stuff…Long-time bachelors know cheap hot dogs are OK, but not cheap mac and cheese, unless you’re really broke.

Right as I reported for duty this punk kid struts up and announces he left his $20 cash back in one of the self-checkout registers…He said it just happened – like 15 seconds ago – so it was unlikely there was time for another customer to use the machine and his implication was one of the thieves masquerading as employees here had to have taken it…He shrugs his shoulders flippantly gives me this smarmy, privileged smile indicating I was put on this earth to make this right…I would have loved to have smacked him, but I turned it over to my supervisor, Sir Thomas…He went and checked the machine to make sure it hadn’t jammed and when it hadn’t all there was to do was tell the kid to take better care of his money because there was nothing we could do for him…We gave the kid credit for realizing a lost cause when he saw one…He turned and left, though he wasn’t happy and Sir Thomas and I both suspected he took his $20 and was trying to scam another $20, tho he didn’t care enough to go check video coverage.

Sergio is a pretty funny kid who is a stocker and I was walking past the lower level break room when I heard him talking about the Marine Corps as if he’d been it…So I sashay into the break room and ask and he said yes and I said I was in the Navy and we gave each other some shit because that’s what sailors and Marines do…Then I asked him if that earring he was wearing was issued by Chesty Puller – legendary Marine – and he said yes and invited me to perform a physical impossibility on myself.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 9:30 Sunday morning to the 3:30 Sunday afternoon alarm…Six solid hours, not even waking up to use the can…I am still not completely caught up, but I will take care of that tomorrow…Again, the going to sleep time is reckoned based on the time I stop reading and turn off the light and en educated guess on how long it takes me to get to sleep…Maybe I should get one of those FitBits The Wife has…It tells her to the minute how long she slept…I’m not entirely sure how it knows when The Wife starts sleeping…Maybe it can hear when she starts snoring.

Last week total was 40 hours over six sleep sessions, 6.66666666 hours per session, a bit less than we’re looking for frankly, but now we have a base figure to work from…I know you appreciate that as much as I do.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

The Diary of a Nobody was inspired by the 18th century British novel of the same name.

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The Sunday Bottom Ten #11 – April 8, 2018

The Sunday Bottom Ten #11 – April 8, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Read it and weep.

It’s the first ever Sunday Bottom Ten Almost Quarterly Best Of Column! The best entries from each of the preceding ten (10) weeks are featured. Entries are listed chronologically and the numbers preceding the entry is their position in that week’s survey.

All of today’s laureates will advance to the Sunday Bottom Ten Regionals later this year.

This week’s mess:  

Week 1
1.  #MeToo
Mitigating Factors: Casino tycoon Steve Wynn the latest to put head on chopping block and it turns out Garrison Keillor, of all people, couldn’t keep his hands to himself, either…While mindful of Mother Nature’s persistent, compelling mandate to conquer and reproduce, us men must do better.
The Hard Question: Would we like to be sexually harassed at work???…Well, actually, some of us would, but women deserve better than we’ve been giving them.

Week 2
10. The American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: One year of the Trump Administration in the books, three more to go…We’ve made thus far without nuclear war or complete anarchy, so if we can survive one we can probably survive three…As Speaker of the House heralds $1.50 weekly raise thanks to GOP’s heroic tax cuts, we must realize that status quo will eventually destroy our country.
FunFact: The Bush/Obama/Trump triumvirate is the three worst consecutive presidents this nation has had…None have done anything to address our perpetual wars or our crushing debt two elements that if left unchecked will destroy our country before this half-century is out.

Week 3
4. McDonalds
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 pollsters dismayed when obliged to use self-serve kiosk to order recent breakfast…It wasn’t particularly difficult, but snarky girl barking instructions – who has some zero clue it’s her job the machine will ultimately take – didn’t help, either…New 21st century process only took two (2) minutes longer than old-fashioned give-order-to-cashier method.
You Deserve A Kiosk Today: Sunday B-10 pollsters also got shorts in a knot over value menu change affecting prices of treasured McMuffins, biscuits (no egg)…Attempt to call in air strikes failed as Sunday B-10 air wing had day off.

Week 4
3. Florida Prostitution Sting
Mitigating Factors: A few days before 17 people are slaughtered down I -75, Naples, Florida police snag evil judge, pastor, actor, other community pillars in prostitution sting…Judge has since retired, though status of pastor, actor, others not known…Chick cop posing as whore pricing sex acts to move, issuing quotes ranging from $150 to $300.
FunFact: Psychos are posting videos about how armed and dangerous they are but Florida law enforcement focused on men trying to get some…While mindful that most prostitutes have had lousy, usually violent lives, can we ask 1) who the victim here is and, 2) don’t Florida police have better things to do?

Week 5
5. Online Pharmaceutical Adverts
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 pollsters too cheap to pay for ad-free youtube experience obliged to watch stereotypical, rather serious actors try to sell them potions for Type II diabetes, Crohn’s Disease, neither of which they have, plan on getting…Pollsters would also like to point out they don’t habla Espanol, either.
“If Death Persists, See Your Doctor.”: With side effect warnings like lowered immune system effectiveness, cancer risks and open sores now taking up two-thirds of some ads, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” day is coming when actual death is side effect.

Week 6
5. Olympics
Mitigating Factors: With fewer and fewer cities interested in hosting Games, perhaps time has come to hold events in same cities every four years…This would obviate single city from building velodromes, natatoriums they’ll never use again and events can be held where there are strong interest, deep historical ties…A similar model can be used for Winter Games.
FunFact: The Opening Ceremonies, as well as some ancient events, can be in Athens, track in London, basketball in America, soccer in South America, et al…When it’s all over the world can gather in Los Angeles for baseball gold medal game, marathon, Closing Ceremonies.

Week 7
7. International Women’s Day
Mitigating Factors: First IWD of #MeToo era sees women basking in glow that 110 years after first IWD #MeToo exposes still necessary…Hollywood producers, still reeling from Weinstein scandal, vow to do more for women, agreeing to exchange casting couch for hotel suite, more nude scenes for babes…President Trump celebrates occasion with light second base action for female staffers.
#PressForProgress: Don’t worry guys, March 9 to March 7 are still International Days of Guys

Week 8
1. NCAA
Mitigating Factors: NCAA tournament starts with almost 20 percent of field involved in current bribery scandal make picking bracket almost as repulsive as picking bracket of particularly virulent strains of the clap…Per protocol, players responsible for upsets, heart-stopping finishes receiving $0.00 of billion dollars NCAA will bring in this year.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: We say this every week: the NCAA, whose daily clinics in being pimp and whore at the same time inspire Congress, IOC, should just go away…Major division college athletics is such a cesspool the only to clean it up is to start over with someone else.

Week 9
3. The American Media
Mitigating Factors: Another American institution that, like the NCAA, needs a do-over…A real media would have Donald Trump out of GOP race before the primaries began…They’re still continuing to play along, too, acting as if Trump were a real president with a real vision for our country…Which he’s not…He is merely a blatherskite whose main concern is doing whatever it takes to draw attention to himself.
FunFact: Our press corps long ago exchanged clicks and ratings for any real substance, but like our fractured government, America continues to tolerate it.

Week 10
7. Racism In America
Mitigating Factors: With blistering police shooting unarmed black men numbers, America still setting worldwide racism pace…With 50th anniversary of MLK assassination coming up, Associated Press poll shows blacks still believe they are getting raw deal in America, while most whites think everything is hunky-dory.
FunFact: Concurrent KKK poll shows 100 percent of grand wizards agree America not quite as racist as it could be, vowing to step up voter suppression, cross burning efforts.

Thought for the Week:  If we did the things we were capable of, we would astound ourselves. – Thomas Edison

The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.

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