The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13

The Bottom Ten/NCAA/Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Doesn’t anybody want to lose this thing?

With the ESPNCup – symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy – there for the taking the #1 team – Rice and now Kansas – has won in consecutive weeks.

The Kansas win throws the race for the 2016 Bottom Ten title into complete disarray, with a gaggle of two-win fiascos chasing the second and third medal stand berths behind new #1 Fresno State.

This week’s mess:

  1. Fresno State (1-10; lost to Hawaii 14-13)
    Mitigating Factors: Bulldogs patiently bide their time, working way up B-10 survey then medal stand to ascend throne for first time…Fresno State can earn first-ever B-10 title with loss Saturday…Bulldogs really playing for the history books as loss would guarantee no worse than a tie for Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win…Bulldogs hardly home free, as final game against tough San Jose State squad that snapped then-winless Iowa State’s seven (7) game skid.
    FunFact: Bulldog athletic department staffers petitioning NCAA for “technically winless” designation, as only victory came against lower level Cal State-Pacific Coast Highway.
    Next Loss: San Jose State

2. Rutgers (2-9; lost to Penn State 39-0)
Mitigating Factors: Scarlet Knights putting it all together in B-10 stretch run, as offense takes command with second consecutive shutout and fourth of the season…Rutgers getting it done in all phases of the game, ranking Dead Last or Next-To-Dead-Last in no less than four (4) NCAA stat categories…Consistency on both sides of the ball has resulted in Scarlet Knights getting out scored 38.1-to-15.9 every game.
FunFact: Rutgers team with longest B-10 pedigree, not only tying for first ever B-10 title in 1869, but earning B-10 Team of the Decade honors for 1870’s, finishing with 9-14-5 mark.
Next Loss: at Maryland

3. Arizona (2-9; lost to Oregon State 42-17)
Mitigating Factors: While early-season stalwarts like the MAC and C-USA sorted themselves out, Wildcats quietly build B-10 body of work with team record eight (8)-game losing skid…Still in it – more or less – at halftime, Wildcat offense shows strong second half kick, starting off with a couple of punts and interception…Despite fact they have so much practice and other team starts 60-yards away, Wildcats still rank 123rd in Kickoff Returns (17.19 ypr).
FunFact: Wildcats need some help, but still have outside shot at claiming Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – with loss.
Next Loss: Arizona State (Nov 25)

4. UMess (2-9; lost to BYU 51-9)
Mitigating Factors: Defense humming on all cylinders, giving up 50 or more points for second consecutive game and third time in 2016…While B-10 pollsters lost Penalty-Yards-To-Rushing-Yards formula, 95 penalty yards, 40 rushing yards more than enough to ensure blowout loss…With final three (3) games in Alabama, Utah and Hawaii, UMess takes case for B-10 medal stand berth on the road, strutting stuff for B-10 regional pollsters.
FunFact: With only win coming against lower level squad and Florida International team that started 0-4, B-10 pollsters “like, pretty sure, dude” strength of schedule points will factor into final B-10 ranking, but admit they’re not entirely sure how.
Next Loss: at Hawaii

5. Texas State (2-8; lost to New Mexico State 50-10)
Mitigating Factors: Bobcats making big late-season B-10 push, threatening to run table in historically-tough Sun Belt Conference…Texas State accommodating guests, as five (5) turnovers lead to 28 Aggie points…Bobcats never in this one, either, breaking out to 38-0 halftime deficit and cruising from there…Current six (6)-game skid best in football-mad Texas.
FunFact: Bobcats receiving B-10 bonus points for getting smacked around B-10 legacy teams New Mexico State, Idaho and Louisiana-Famous Dead Person in same season.
Next Loss: Troy

6. Buffalo (2-9; lost to Western Michigan 38-0)
Mitigating Factors: Former B-10 perennials back in survey, impressing B-10 pollsters with first shutout of 2016…Offense almost perfect, with only fourth quarter fumble preventing Bulls from punting on every possession…Defense getting smiley faces on playbooks, too, allowing almost nine (9) yards per play.
FunFact: With two (2) wins coming against teams with combined 11-11 record – including the latest crop of Army officer candidates – Buffalo loses significant strength of schedule points, though B-10 pollsters officially “fondly” remember adorable time when UB started century losing 68 of 79.
Next Loss: at Bowling Green

7. Big Ten
Mitigating Factors: Only conference with two (2) teams in survey, Big Ten easy choice for B-10 Conference of the Week honors…Showing parity in MAC, C-USA and Sun Belt conferences, Big Ten also only conference with two (2) teams riding losing streaks of at least six (6) games.
FunFact: Rivalry weekend big this week with Ohio State/Michigan and Rutgers/Maryland tilts deciding who’s best, worst in conference.

8. Tulane (3-8; lost to Temple 31-0)
Mitigating Factors: Green Trickle another team looking to add window dressing to B-10 run with loss to former B-10 perennial, rolling to sixth straight loss….Tulane bad when it matters, as offense ranks Dead Last in 3rd Down Conversion Percentage (.265), while defense ranks 103rd in same category (.440).
FunFact: Can claim Billy Cannon Certificate – symbolic of Cajun football lousiness and usually issued to loser of UL-Lafayette/UL-Monroe fiasco – with loss in finale.
Next Loss: at UConn

9. Purdue (3-8; lost to Wisconsin 49-20)
Mitigating Factors: Leading 3-0 in second quarter, Boilermakers go on one of their patented 35-7 runs to have loss sealed at halftime…Three (3) interceptions, 71-yads rushing prove adage that if you can combine turnover with a complete inability to run the ball, you can lose in the Big Ten (10)…Purdue getting outscored 46-23.5 during current six (6)-game losing streak.
FunFact: Despite midseason coaching change, Boilermakers left to wonder what might have been as only overtime win to Illinois has prevented Purdue from running table in conference play.
Next Loss: at Indiana

10. Kansas (2-9; defeated Texas – Texas! – 24-21 OT)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks bid adieu to consecutive B-10 titles, Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – with heartbreaking overtime home win…Jayhawks game, punting on first six (6) possessions, but even they couldn’t overcome six (6) UT turnovers…Since game was at home, Jayhawks 40-game road losing streak still intact….With win, pic of football player briefly joins blanket coverage of basketball season on homepage.
Dust In The Wind: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Jayhawks first team to go from first in B-10 survey to last in following poll since Tijuana Tech’s shocking win over Jalisco A&M in 1947.Next Loss: at Kansas State

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Fresno State at San Jose State
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either: Buffalo at Bowling Green
Up Next On ESPN395:
UMess at Hawaii
Crummy Rivalry Game of the Week:  Purdue at Indiana

 

 

Share Gaylon! Go!
FacebookTwitterGoogle+StumbleUponRedditPinterestTumblrDiggYahoo BookmarksGoogle BookmarksShare
Posted in The Bottom Ten - 2016 | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, November 21
Well, all hell broke loose at the resort this morning…Maybe not all hell, but it seemed like it at zero-six-hundred.

One of the benefits of going in early some mornings is there really isn’t a whole lot to do…Once Mic the Nite Auditor leaves I am the only employee there and sometimes you’ll get an older gent who wanders by because he is accustomed to being up and is looking for someone to talk to but usually, tho, it’s dead slow until Maintenance starts rolling in a bit before 7am…I usually watch reruns of old TV shows online…I’ve gone thru Nero Wolfe mysteries and the first couple of seasons of The Bob Newhart Show back when I was going in early fairly regularly.

So this morning I’m watching a Barney Miller rerun – Wojo saw a UFO – when the phone rings and the guest in 4110 informs me there is water coming out the ceiling.

Crap…This is not normal, of course…We do not have funhouse units where you pay extra for running water coming out of non-traditional places…Not only is the guest inconvenienced, but so is ol’ Sparrow because this means the morning Barney Miller viewing session ends right now.

I head over to the room…Well, actually I had taken a minute to scope out if we had another room to move them to, just in case…By chance we did, clean and ready to go, so I made up a couple of keys for them.

Indeed, there was water coming out of a variety of unusual places in 4110, like the sprinkler, the top of a closet door and assorted light fixtures which even I know is really bad…I apologize profusely and tell them to take their time moving to their new room which, conveniently, is located in the same building.

On the way back to the front desk it occurred to me there is a high level of probability the water cascading into 4110 is coming from 4210…I made a mental note to call 4210 when I got back to the office to casually inquire if, you know, their kitchen is flooded but they beat me to it…When I get back to the office the phone starts to ring…It’s 4210.

Uh, our kitchen is flooded.

The lady has a lot more to say…The leak was coming from the refrigerator and her kid had the wherewithal to stop the leak by shutting a valve that was on the supply line to the ice machine…There were other things, too, not all of them gracious or informative…Some were descriptive.

Double crap…At least the leak was stopped, key because the first Maintenance misfits are still about 30 minutes out…I look and we really don’t have a room to move this family to…At least not one that is clean and in their room category, so I tell them I am working on finding one for them.

Then, with Movie of the Week timing, 4110 calls to report their new room “isn’t going to work” because there is only one queen bed in the second bedroom instead of two full beds and they have kids that are at an age where it’s kinda creepy to share a bed…So I call 4210 to see if one bed in the second bedroom would work for them but they say no so now I’ve got to crap two two-bedroom units with two beds in the second bedroom.

Right about now Jesus reports for duty…I tell him what’s going on and we head over to Building 4…On the way down the hall to 4210 I tell Jesus how exciting it is to be rolling on an actual Resort Maintenance Call with him.

I mean, here we are – out in the field! – about to approach a unit…

Jesus invites me shut up.

We get in there and there is a nice flood in the kitchen and part of the living room…Jesus is pretty good at what he does and he has the problem ID’d in short order…I tell the lady I am working on finding her another room.

I get back and Dan-o is there…Since his supervisor couldn’t be bothered to come to work today he is in charge…I fill him on the big-picture situation, while Jesus dives in on the technical aspects of the call and I’m listening intently and nodding as I understand what he’s talking about…Nodding authoritatively, advise Dan-o to let me know if he requires further front desk assistance.

Dan regards me as if the prospect of him needing further front desk assistance for two flooded rooms is negligible, unless he needs some paperclips for the attendant paperwork…Dan gives me a suitable look, staring at me like I have 22 heads…It’s kinda funny, actually.

You won’t be needing front desk assistance, will you?

Dan continue to stare at me like I had 22 heads…The prospect of him requiring further front desk assistance was so remote he didn’t even go thru the effort of shaking his head…He just stared at me…We both knew…Further front desk expertise would not be required for this evolution.

So back to the office to find rooms…There was nothing…I had to find two two-bedroom deluxe rooms and there were none of those available that were clean…A couple-three were dirty…We had a couple of three-bedroom possibilities, but those were dirty, too, and also were pretty booked this weekend and one of the Wonders of the Front Desk is you start changing guest’s room types you start screwing things up.

I check the day’s arrivals and we got a break…There were several two-bedroom deluxe arrivals today and there just happened to be two that were assigned to incoming guests that were clean had two beds in the second bedroom…That was a nice break and it was a simple matter to make keys for the new rooms and deliver them…The guests in 4110 only had to move across the hall to 4111, tho 4210 was obliged to change buildings.

They had a spread at the retailer today…Nice one, too…The place is run by women and rather than have a Thanksgiving spread catered they went thru the trouble of making it themselves and they even served us…Turkey, ham, stuffing (my favorite) and more of the usual stuff…It was a nice gesture and everything was really good.

Carrie, the manager, talked about how for some employees this might be the only turkey dinner they get and I’ve been working long enough to know that is probably true.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, November 20
Damn, tuff crowd at Turkey Bingo tonight at the post…This tradition goes back years here in town and there are some who’ve been coming an awfully long time, but boy, they were in a foul mood tonight…None of my tried-and-true funny lines I use as Bingo Caller got any response at all.

For example, long-time readers of this crap know we don’t get too snitty about enforcing state laws about who can and cannot play bingo…Sure, the state has their ideas about what constitutes a proper age for participating in gambling revels, but we’d hate to keep kids away from becoming gambling degenerates, so as long as they are old enough to know what playing bingo is about and can use the dauber without hurting themselves we let them have a go at it.

This fact always leads a quip from ol’ Sparrow about how good it is to see the youngsters diving in on their gambling careers, and I even asked this young couple if they had their toddler working a card or two.

Nothing…Not even a chuckle…It was as if I was reading from an Auschwitz memoir…Then I came back strong with another funny line about something or another and more nothing…I tapped the mic with a hand after this one – itself pretty funny – and inquired as to whether the mic was working and this got some laughs.

Stanko introduced me to a new post member, a kid named Chris…Chris said he knew me from my campaigns and that he had voted for me both this year and in 2014 when I ran for the United States Senate.

Well, that was nice…Sometimes as a small party candidate you tend to wonder if anyone except your immediate family and co-workers know your running…Chris said he hadn’t heard of our party until he started doing some research a couple of years ago and came across my website.

The green porch lights we put out aren’t for shit…They aren’t that bright and they’re green besides, so when it’s dark out, as it usually I when the porch lights are on, the carport looks like something from a Jaques Cousteau expedition…This lends more credence to my theory that the Green Light A Veteran tribute was nothing more than the retailer buying some excess green light bulbs for a few cents, making a campaign out of it in an effort to turn a profit.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, November 19
When I started my shift at the retailer I relieved Aubrey on Aisle 5 and I was the only checker not from Senegal!!!

I am not making that up!!!…Aisles 1-4 inclusive were manned by Adbul, Ba, Alia and Mamadou…Talk about diversity…There are a number of Senegalese in town and they all share one condo nearby and they all have other jobs at the supermarket and they all send a lot of their money home…The paper actually did a story on them a couple of yeas ago.

Another guy from Senegal, Saydou, who I really like, was promoted recently, so I don’t see a whole lot of him nowadays…He was in the Senegal navy, an electrician, he said, so we have the common bond of naval service…I did some research on the Senegalese Navy and their ships have some rust and there are rich kids in Malibu that probably have nicer fleets.

Later, Abdul bought his nightly bag of pistachios and came thru my line…To add some hilarity to the festivities I asked him for ID…He laffed…As noted here from time to time, we ID everyone not utilizing a walker to tries to buy cigarettes and it is big fun to ask for ID for things like nuts and candy and soda…Abdul, for whom English is his fourth or fifth language then dove into some sort of story about someone somewhere who ID’d him about something or another and I understood none of it, tho I did nod from time to time and laff when it was plain, in any language, that he had uttered what he thought was a funny line.

A group of youngsters came in buying a lot of snacks…Like last week, I was able to trot out my now standard “Are these snacks or is this a meal plan” line.

A legitimate question…They had a large box of Hot Pockets, Pringles, boxes of cookies, sacks of candy, boxes of frozen lasagna and paper plates and bowls…One of the kids said they were going on “an outing”…I continued scanning their stuff.

No cutlery???…You gonna eat this with your hands???

Two more valid queries…You could tell the guy knew it, too.

Uh, I think we got knives and forks and stuff.

I laffed and waved a hand.

Be careful…You needed plates and bowls, knives and forks don’t magically appear. 

Now you could see sheer panic in his eyes and he looked around to his homies to see if any of them cared, but none did…He got reinforcement from this and dismissed the matter from his mind.

More than one bachelor was by tonight, obviously preparing for Thanksgiving…None are truly cooking…They were buying processed turkeys and boxed stuffing, tho to their credit most were buying the Leading National Brand stuffing and not the house brand…Lots of canned gravy and instant mashed potatoes were sold, too…I smiled inwardly…I’ve been there…Many times.

They gave us some pretty dorky hats to wear last week…The one I got was both green and red

At the day job a guy stopped by the front desk to ask if we provided transportation into town…We don’t, but I noted the city bus picked up nearby and was free…The guy looked sad.

I don’t want to deal with the bus if it’s confusing.

Oh, don’t worry…It’s not confusing…You get on, it takes you where you want to go…Piece of cake!!!

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, November 18
Plans for Thanksgiving are being finalized…The Wife and Her Majesty actually started talking about them a couple-three days ago and know in advance we won’t be breaking any new ground menu-wise.

One, we are going to celebrate it on Wednesday…All three of us are off that day: both The Wife and as usual, and Her Majesty doesn’t have class and The Wife and I both work Thursday….The turkey may be groundbreaking…For us, at least…It will be free-range and organic and probably take-it-in-the-shorts expensive…I am really easy to get along with on Thanksgiving…The only demands I made are sufficient stuffing to feed the fleet and biscuits instead of rolls…Her Majesty made a fuss about this, saying this and that, but The Wife knows when the man of the house wants biscuits, dammit.

I had to draw a snowflake at work today…It was at the 12:30 employee meeting that I seldom go to because I am usually at lunch at 12:30, but I went today because I heard a rumor they might have goodies there, a rumor that proved to be false.

Anyway, we divvied up into two teams and played that game where you draw stuff on the whiteboard and the first team to guess what it is wins…Bianca, who used to work front desk but now works as a houseman tho she might be coming back to the front desk because housekeeping is “gay” – and I volunteered to go first…Araceli wrote “Snowflake” on a post-it and we had to draw a snowflake.

I can’t draw a snowflake…Heck, I can’t draw anything more complicated than, perhaps, a 3-D box and my first attempt at a snowflake looked like some roadkill…Bianca, however, was drawing a fine snowflake so I just copied her and Richie, on my team, yelled “SNOWFLAKE!!” and our team got one point.

But Bianca, and my wonderful imitative skills, must get the credit…I really can’t draw.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Daily Dose/November 19, 2016

The Daily Dose/November 17, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

HUT, HUT HIKE: Official Daily Dose fave the Mount Union Purple Raiders football team opens the NCAA Division III football tournament today facing the Hobart Statesmen in Geneva, New York.

Fly In The Ointment: The big surprise is Mount Union will not open the playoffs as champions of the Ohio Athletic Conference (OAC).

Uh, Could You Repeat That, Please: Yeah, we’re surprised, too. After 24 consecutive OAC titles and 112 consecutive regular season wins, our Purple Raiders were defeated by the John Carroll 31-28 Saturday, giving the Blue Streaks their fourth OAC title and first since the Paleozoic Era

Hard Earned And Well Done: John Carroll played a fine game, forcing four Mount Union turnovers, their highest turnover count since the Harding Administration. Not particularly impressed by playing at Mount Union for the conference title, they had the skill and poise to score the winning touchdown with 38 seconds left.

FunFact: The Raiders will play a road playoff game for the first time since the 1996 national semifinals where they beat Wisconsin-Lacrosse 39-21 at Camp Randle Stadium.

Breakdown Segment: The Purple Raiders will visit the Hobart Statesmen, co-champions of a group of misfits known as the Liberty League.  The Statesmen (9-1) are in the playoffs for the 12th time and their best finishes were quarterfinal losses in 2014 and 2012.

This will be the fourth meeting between Mount Union and Hobart and the Statesmen lead the series. Hobart won the first two meetings, in 1972 and 1973 and Mount Union took the last meeting, 42-7 in the second round of the 2008 playoffs.

Getting To Know You: Hobart College is an all-male liberal arts college in Geneva, New York. Along with the all-female William Smith College, they are known as the Colleges of the Senecas because they are both located on Lake Seneca and while separate schools, they share many things, including websites and can trace their lineage back to the Geneva Academy established in 1797.

Hobart is named for an Episcopalian bishop named John Henry Hobart, and became Hobart College in 1852.

Dry, Technical Matter: Hobart’s teams used to be known as the Deacons. Their lacrosse team has won 15 national championships.

Speaking Of National Championships: Mount Union is looking for their 13th Division III national football championship, a record.

Jolly Good: As usual, the D-III playoffs sound like the draw for the annual country club tennis tournament, with Coe, Alfred, Olivet and Wesley all qualifying.

For The Record: As they should be, John Carroll is the top seed in their region and are in the same bracket as the evil bastards from Wisconsin-Whitewater. John Carroll opens against Olivet while UW-Wherever opens at Lakeland.

Oh, Jesus H: The Mount Union/Hobart winner will play the winner of the Johns Hopkins/Randolph Macon game.

SPEAKING OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFFS: The NCAA still refuses to conduct a major division football playoff, with men huddled in a conference room determining who will play in a four-team playoff, a playoff that is only held after we are force fed the Kraft Velveeta and Tostitos Bean Dip bowls, games that probably feature at least one team with a losing record.

Good Luck With That: Choosing the participants this year will be a lot of fun this year three of the four teams currently in the top four have a loss and some may not even qualify for their conference’s title game. Speculating on what might happen is futile, though fun, and it is entirely possible the selection committee may have a fiasco on its hands that would have people longing for the simpler days of the BCS.

Get Your Official Daily Dose Policy Right Here: We say this every hour on the hour this time of year: a 32-team NCAA Division I football playoff could begin Thanksgiving weekend and end on New Year’s Day, the last day anyone really cares about college football. Anyone who things this would become an American classic quicker than you can say “Electoral College” is deluding themselves.

“…SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH…UNLESS YOU ELECT DONALD TRUMP…”: Abraham Lincoln delivers one of mankinds seminal speeches, the Gettysburg Address, on this date in 1863, at the dedication of the Soldier’s National Cemetery in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

At just over two minutes, it was one hour and 58 minutes shorter than the opening speech by noted American statesman Edward Everett. What’s funny is that a two hour speech was more or less what people expected to hear at events of this sort back then and his speech was rather well received.

Five handwritten copies of the speech remain, all a bit different, and History is not entirely sure which one, if any, was read at the ceremony.

Another Small Step: Apollo 12 Commander Pete Conrad and Lunar Module Pilot Alan Bean become the third and fourth humans to walk on the moon on this date in 1969. They would make two moon walks and return to Earth on November 24.

Dry, Technical Matter: America is approaching the day when it will have no left alive who walked on the moon. Five of the twelve who walked on the moon are dead and the two youngest are 81. It will be our loss.

More Official Daily Dose Policy: Regular readers of this crap know we are on record as saying it is a shame we have not put men on Mars yet. Had we wanted to, we could have done this in the 1980’s. Now we can’t even put anyone in space anymore.

Oh, Why Bother: Today marks the 16,078 day since man has walked on the moon.

Thought For The Day: America’s challenge of today has forged man’s destiny of tomorrow.– Gene Cernan, commander, Apollo 17 and last human to set foot on the moon.

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: There was not a trivia question last time, silly.

Today’s Stumper: Abraham Lincoln was ill when he delivered the Gettysburg Address. What illness was he coming down with?  – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Daily Dose | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, November 17
Her Majesty drove of the side of a hill today!!!…I am not making that up!!!

Fortunately, she wasn’t hurt…Her truck wasn’t all that damaged, either, really…But she is pretty shaken up.

She was headed home from college and, by chance, The Wife and I, in separate cars, were heading home from work, with The Wife right behind me…As we were pulling out I got a call from Her Majesty telling me about the accident…It was in the canyon, a few miles from home and when we pulled up the cops had been there for a while and Her Majesty was walking away from the edge he went over…Her truck was about 50 feet down and she had the presence of mind to head for a tree, otherwise, she might’ve kept on going down to the river.

Crap….The tow truck came and pulled her out the car was not completely totaled and if the right front tire hadn’t gone flat it would still be drivable, not that Her Majesty has any interest in driving for a while…Her mother took it relatively well, managing to not go completely bat-shit.

There was some hilarity with the tow truck…The Sheriff deputy originally called Company A…I am intimate with Company A because they were the Official Tow Company of the Doily Delivery Company and long-time readers of this crap will recall we had them on speed dial.

I did not want Company A towing the truck out…It would cost a fortune because they are a bunch of thieves…Besides, we have AAA…So I told the deputy, Curtis, who I actually know tho I didn’t remember this until later, if he could wave them off and I’d call the auto club…

Sure, Curtis said, with pleasure, too, because no one really likes Company A…He said the Company A owner wanted to collect a show up fee from me but Curtis said no, which is what I would have told the guy, too.

So I call AAA and there was some hilarity with that…Company B came, and in pretty good time, too, but I suspect they were called by Curtis, too, because the driver asked me to make sure they got dispatched…This was odd because I had called AAA and was even getting updates on the dispatched tow truck…I gave the guy my membership card and whatnot and he towed the truck to The Shire and he said everything was good and left.

I have no clue who AAA dispatched…I called them after the tow truck left because I was still getting text updates even tho the call had been completed…So I called AAA back and they didn’t know what the hell was going on…Company B is the only AAA company in town, but the girl said they dispatched some other company from I don’t know where…I told her we no longer needed service and she said she would cancel it.

It was the first snow of the season, too…I told Her Majesty that the worst was out of the way, that driving down a hill was about as bad it got and along with the bad luck there was some good luck in that she wasn’t hurt, but I don’t think this cheered her up like I intended it to.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Daily Dose – Novmember 18

Rise of the Libertarians…Or not.

The Daily Dose/November 17, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

RISE OF THE LIBERTARIANS…SORT OF: On the plus side, Libertarians shattered previous election highs in this past election, both nationally and locally. Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson tripled his national vote total, and Libertarian candidates for Congress showed similar gains.

Fly In The Ointment: On the downside, the gains weren’t substantial enough to make much of a difference.

Taking everything into consideration – almost universal dissatisfaction with our government, the two worst major party candidates ever, et al – and it would not have been completely surprising to see Libertarians get ten, perhaps 15 percent of the vote…Perhaps one or two would have been elected to Congress.

Scoreboard, Baby: But it didn’t happen. Not even close, really. This wasn’t too surprising and we speak from some experience in this matter.

Gaylon…Vote Early, Vote Often: We were the Colorado Libertarian nominee for the United States Senate in 2014 and a nominee for the House of Representatives this year. Having been out there hustling votes for a couple of campaigns, it’s not surprising at all.

Quote That Sucker: One of the things we hear frequently on the campaign trail is “You know, Gaylon, I like what you stand for, too bad you have no chance to win”.

Well, heck, if you think I have no chance, then I have no chance. On the other hand, if you do think I have a chance, and you tell ten people who think we have a chance then, hell, we have ourselves a groundswell.

That never happened, though. The problem, I’ve decided, is us humans stick with the familiar even when it is not serving us well and the two-party system is nothing if not familiar. America has been a two-party country since before the Revolution. The only thing that’s changed are the names of the parties. We’ve gone from Federalists and Democratic-Republicans to Democratic-Republicans and Whigs to Whigs and Democrats to Democrats and Republicans.

Running The Numbers: Gaylon For Congress this year did do better than Gaylon For US Senate did two years ago. In 2014 we got 2.6 percent of the vote and our 52,864 votes were a record for a third-party candidate in a Colorado US Senate election. This year we got five percent of the vote – though the actual vote total didn’t break any records – almost twice as many as two years ago, and about average for Libertarian House candidates this year.

We weren’t a factor, though. We were hoping the margin between the major party candidates would have been close enough for the other loser to blame us for stealing their votes, but the Republican incumbent easily won reelection.

GREAT MOMENTS IN FORMING A COUNTRY: The United States and Panama – officially recognized as a country only a few exciting days earlier – sign a treaty allowing the US to build a canal across Panama.

Dry, Technical Diplomatic Matter: Hilariously, no Panamanians signed the treaty. Secretary of State John Hay signed for the United States, and a Frenchman known as Philippe-Jean Bunau-Varilla signed for Panama despite the fact he had not been in Panama for 17 years.

Bunau-Varilla was the French Diplomatic Representative in Panama, a title he purchased from a group of zany Panamanian rebels. He was no more entitled to sign a treaty on behalf of Panamanians than Santa Claus was.

For most of 1903 Panama had been part of Colombia, but the rascals in the Colombian Senate rejected a treaty that would have given the US a perpetual lease to build a canal in present-day Panama.  US President T. Roosevelt would have none of this, of course, and in November Panama was recognized as an independent nation, with the US Navy on the scene to prevent pesky Colombian interference.

IT ALL STARTED WITH A MOUSE: Steamboat Willie, the first synchronized sound cartoon, premieres in New York City on this date in 1928. Directed by Walt Disney and Ub Iwerks, Steamboat Willie had been produced over the summer at a cost of about $5,000, about $70,000 in today’s money.

So This Is Where That Phrase Came From: In Jonestown, Guyana, Jim Jones and members of his People’s Temple drink Kool-Aid laced with poison in a mass murder-suicide on this date in 1978. 918 Americans died.

It was the single largest deliberate loss of American civilian life until the 9/11 attacks. Jones himself died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Thought For The Day: One is constrained to respect the perfection of this world.– Ralph Waldo Emerson, Harvard Divinity School address, 7/15/1838

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: After the Democratic-Republican Party won the presidency in 1800 (Thomas Jefferson), the next party to win the presidency was the Democratic Party in 1828 (Andrew Jackson).

Today’s Stumper: The Trivia feature will return.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Daily Dose | Leave a comment

The Daily Dose – November 17, 2016

The Day In Trump, solid On This Date Action

The Daily Dose/November 17, 2016
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

THE DAY IN TRUMP: We elected him despite everything we knew about him. Our favorite disqualifier was Trump University being nothing more than a boiler room operation designed to bilk people out of their money. There were dozens of others, of course, and I’m sure you have your fave.

Trump was a misfit of a private citizen, an embarrassment as a candidate and – since past performance is the best indicator of future performance – will probably be an embarrassment as president.

OTOH: It is possible, not particularly likely, but possible, that Trump will be OK, though. Maybe he does want good things for our country. Or maybe he just wants to draw more attention to himself. It’s his only real talent and he does it splendidly.

OTOH II: Maybe he will realize the very best way to draw attention to himself is to really make America great again. To produce an America that once again is looked up to and respected by the rest of the world, instead of presiding over an America that currently is not doing itself or the planet any particular good.

Don’t Even Start: Hillary Clinton would not have been any better. She could care less about anything other than consolidating wealth and power in her and her family. Her transition would be doing nothing more than laying the groundwork for doing that as president.

One Can Hope: Maybe – maybe – a GOP president and a GOP controlled Congress will team up for some groundbreaking tax reform. Trump, after all, is a businessman and he knows an economy anchored in low taxes, free markets and minimal regulation is the only way to produce a long term, flourishing economy.

Economy 101: Lower taxes means you and I will more money to spend. It will give businesses more money to meet our growing demands. They will be able to expand and hire more people and pay them better wages. Revenue lost by the Treasury because of the tax cuts will be made by having more people in the workforce making more money. If it’s not made up, tough noogies. Our government will have to get by with less.

GREAT MOMENTS IN CHANGING NATIONAL CAPITALS: The United States Congress meets “in the city of Washington, in the territory of Columbia” for the first time on this date in 1800. For the first ten years of its existence, the Congress had met in Philadelphia.

Congressmen didn’t work any harder then than they do now. Neither the Senate nor the House could muster a quorum, so only business transacted that day was adjournment until the following day.

Dry, Technical Matter: Congress that year consisted of 32 Senators and 106 Representatives and both houses had Federalist majorities. The Federalists, however, were on their way to History’s scrap heap. They would lose their majority in the House and the presidency the Democratic-Republican Party later that year, and would stop being a factor in American politics by 1816.

FunFact: Though Thomas Jefferson and John Adams were the two presidential candidates in 1800, Jefferson actually ended up beating his running mate, Aaron Burr, in a contingent election in the House of Representatives. Adams lost both the electoral and popular votes by a wide margin, but back then ballots cast by electors didn’t differentiate between president and vice president and Jefferson and Burr both received 73 electoral votes. Jefferson won on the 36th ballot cast by the House.

Tibet…You Remember Tibet, Right?: Lhamo Dondrub, 15, is named the 14th Dali Lhama on this date in 1950. He replaces the 13th Dalai Lama, who had died in 1933.

This Has To Be Better Than The Electoral College, Right?: Selections of Dalai Lamas are long, involved affairs, involving search parties, visions and signs. Events led assorted Tibetan Buddhists to Dondrub when he was still a toddler and he was selected the reincarnation of the 13th Dalai Lama in 1937, when he was two-years-old. In 1939 he was publicly recognized as the 14th Dalai Lama and was given full temporal authority in 1950.

The Dalai Lama was forced to flee Tibet in 1959 and he, and other Tibetans, have lived as refugees ever since.

He’s Such A Kidder: Speaking to a group of Associated Press (AP) managing editors, President Richard Nixon, then knee-deep in the Watergate cover-up, says he is not a crook on this date in 1973. Nixon was such a non-crook that he resigned the presidency the following August, of course, and had been spending most of his recent time sparring with Congress about the turning over tapes of White House conversations he’d had recorded.

Thought For The Day: I almost never think of my calendar years. I’m forever hiking across the same plateau with no end in sight– Saul Bellow, Ravelstein

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: Nate Thurmond has the most rebounds in an NBA by someone not named Wilt Chamberlain or Bill Russell, 42, on November 9, 1965.

Today’s Stumper: After the Democratic-Republican Party won the presidency in 1800, what was the next party to win the presidency?  – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Daily Dose | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody – Drivel From Sparrow!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, November 16
Washed the car today…It is usually not considered good form to wash your car the day before it is scheduled to snow, but I plead mitigating circumstances…You really don’t wash your car during the winter because there is no point…Between the snow and the muck and whatnot, your car is always dirty so why bother???…It will be just as dirty later in the day.

But it’s bad for morale to head into winter with a dirty car, so there I was this afternoon at the self-serve car wash in our small town…Did a pretty good job, too…Not a great job, but a pretty good job.

Started in the wash bay, of course, with the Soapy Water Spray Rinse before diving in with the Foam Brush…I gotta be careful with the Foam Brush because I am notorious for missing spots, spots that are plainly visible later…These are usually swatches on one, or both, side doors, but not always…Sometimes I miss on the hood…Anyway, I took great care with the Foam Brush, making sure I got one small segment before moving on to the next one…To show I serious was about being thorough, I even pulled up the windshield wipers to thoroughly clean the windows.

Then I got out the leather treatment spray bottle and glove I’d brought from home and cleaned the inside dash, which was really dusty, even by my low standards…Then I pulled forward to the Vacuum Station…By this time I was starting to lose interest…I put 75 cents in the machine and the vacuum sprang to life and I did the floor (the floor mats were hanging in the bay where I had rinsed them off) and the back seat area, too.

I didn’t do a great job but I got the worst of it, which was something my dad always used to say in these situations because he wasn’t any better at cleaning than I was.

That’s good, son…We got the worst of it off.

So it is small wonder I am a getting-the-worst-of-it kind of cleaner.

Then I took the leather cleaner and the mitt and started in on the floor mats, but – and this will surprise you – I lost interest in that soon enough and called it a day.

Also got the boot covers out this afternoon…Long time readers of this crap will remember I got these a couple of years ago when I was working for the Doily Delivery Company and hopping in and out of the truck during the winter…They are nylon and do a great job of keeping my boots, and feet, dry…They do such a good job I didn’t wear my regular snow boots at all last year…Thanks to The Wife, they were easy to find, too, and I cleaned them up and they are ready for duty.

Presuming snow ever falls…We are supposed to get some tomorrow, but who knows.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either made up or are used fictitiously. Any other use is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment