The Daily Dose/January 28, 2017

Visit America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook!

 The Daily Dose/January 28, 2017
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

MY FELLOW AMERICANS: Friends, we are a week into the Trump Administration and hold on to your hats. It will be a lot of things, but it probably is not going to be dull. The Mexican Wall Episode is illustrating that brilliantly.

Leading Off: First, even the most die-hard Trump supporter has to know the idea is folly. The border is already walled and fenced in places. Where it’s not it’s either because the terrain is not conducive to building a wall or there is not sufficient illegal activity to warrant it or, as likely as not, both.

Batting Second: Second, we can’t afford it. Come on, it’s a government project. Estimates are always low and projects are always over budget and anyone who thinks this will cost less than $25 billion is deluding themselves.

Dry, Technical Matter: Three, if you believe the rhetoric about making Mexico pay for it, you are high. Some headlines blabbed we would “tax” Mexico, but Mexico is a sovereign nation and we can’t tax Mexico any more than we tax the moon. We can charge tariffs on their imports, which is a lousy idea because companies will merely pass this expense off on us consumers, which makes it a tax on us. As a result, Mexican businesses will do less business here in the US, making it more difficult for some there, meaning more people will try to come to our country.

LOL: Later, the White House amended the 20 percent tariff line and said we would be “reimbursed” though, as usual for anything Trump, no specifics were offered.

Back On Message: Four, building a wall it’s not particularly practical. A lot of the land on the border is privately owned. We went through this in the Bush Administration. There will be lawsuits. Even if we could build this for ten bucks, the lawsuits would mean construction wouldn’t begin for years anyway. This whole thing is childish and makes no sense.

The Bottom Line: We’re entitled to specifics. We’re entitled to a cogent, well thought out plan. Trump is offering neither of these things. He gives every impression of governing off the top of his head.

Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: We’ve said this before, both in this space and on the campaign trail:

America will collapse before this half-century is out if we do not make substantive changes to the way we are governed.

It is not reasonable to expect the Trump Administration to do anything to stem that tide.

More Bottom Line Crap: We are entitled to better government, but we took a pass on that at the ballot box last November. As long as we stay on our toes and pay attention to what our government is doing to us, we might be OK. We might not. But we must pay attention and start holding our leaders accountable.

LONG LIVE THE KING: Henry VIII, King of England, dies on this date in 1547 after a reign of 37 eventful and tumultuous years, especially if you were on of his six wives. He was succeeded by Edward VI, the first of three monarchs he fathered.

Great Moments Is British Motoring: English bloke Walter Arnold enters the history books as the first person to be convicted of speeding on this date 1896. He was fined one shilling, plus the universal court costs, for driving 8 mph in a 2 mph zone.

Always Ready: The United States Coast Guard is organized as such on this date in 1915. Originally formed in 1790 as the Revenue Marine, it would later be known as the US Revenue Cutter Service, which was merged with the United States Life-Saving Service to form the Coast Guard.

FunFact: It remains America’s oldest continuing sea-going service.

Oh Jesus H: The space shuttle Challenger explodes 73 seconds after liftoff on this date in 1986. Seven astronauts died and the space shuttle would not fly again for two-and-a-half years.

A Warm, Personal Remembrance: We were out at sea, underwater on an old diesel submarine the USS Blueback when this happened. A radioman named Scott Brown came into the control room and said he wasn’t entirely sure what happened, but he just heard the tail end of a radio broadcast that said they were still searching the Atlantic for survivors.

Thought For The Day: I wish to make it so broad, and so clear, that no honest man can misunderstand me, and no dishonest one, successfully misrepresent me. – Abraham Lincoln  

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: Ice hockey in the Olympics was first contested at the 1920 Summer Games in Antwerp, Belgium. Canada, represented by the Winnipeg Falcons, won the gold medal, the US took the silver and Czechoslovakia took the bronze.

Today’s Stumper: How many members of the Coast Guard have won the Medal of Honor? – Answer next time!

Support your local writer! Patronize Gaylon here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
FacebookTwitterGoogle+StumbleUponRedditPinterestTumblrDiggYahoo BookmarksGoogle BookmarksShare
Posted in The Daily Dose | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody 1/27/17 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Visit America’s Funniest Guy On Facebook…Or The Bunny Gets It!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, January 27
The Wife brought home a poop stool today…It is a place to put your feet when sitting on the can….Why she did this was not immediately clear…The Wife, clearly, is very excited by this development, so exited ol’ Sparrow had to show – feign – a suitable level of excitement or risk causing offense.

At first, tho, I wasn’t entirely sure what it was for, thinking it was something you sit on and if you think that is whacko you don’t know The Wife…She’s capable of bringing home something like that…Then I thought it was something for the cat to use…I had no third opinion…I was otherwise flummoxed.

The Wife had to provide complete instructions and in her glee simply could not wait to see me use it, eagerly banging on the bathroom door tho, of course, I refused to open the door, and initial findings on the merits of the poop stool were inconclusive.

Jesus passed me on the way into work this morning…He lives in the next county and he passes me a couple of times a month…This is funny because I have enough experience driving in the winter that I no longer drive like an old maid, but he passed me anyway before a really small town about halfway into town where the speed limit – which I was more or less observing – was 55.

In the breakroom, I walked up to Jesus.

You know, Jesus, the speed limit near that town is 55 miles per hour, not 97, or whatever the hell you feel like going.

To emphasize this point, I held up both hands, each with five fingers extended…For his part, he told me he routinely passes everyone who drives 20 miles an hour.

A lesson I’ve given here was reinforced today: always call and confirm your reservation!!!

You never know…Yesterday I got a call from Mr Smith, looking to confirm his reservation for Saturday…I tapped a few keys and told him we didn’t have it, asked who he booked thru, which turned out to be some online auction site I was not familiar with…I told this wasn’t unusual, some sites wait till the last minute to send them, and to call again today.

He did…Good thing, too, because I had to go digging to find it…I emailed the site’s support desk and in fairly short order I had the reservation, but boy, the path it took went through the online auction site, a timeshare exchange company we do business with and subsidiaries of theirs in Mexico and, get this, Bolivia…I am not making this up…I am still not entirely sure what the hell happened…The auction company probably had the listing from someone who wanted to sell their week here…The auction company doesn’t have access to our reservations database, but they’re merely a third party vendor and don’t require it and the exchange company never got the reservation to us.

Gave in to a bit of vanity today and bought some gray hair liquid…I can handle not having much hair on top…That’s no big deal, especially when I was shaving my head anyway or keeping it very short…I think I am going to let it grow out because I am in the mood to do so, but it is awfully gray and I don’t really like the way it blends with what remains of my dark brown hair…I made the first application today, and the package, as their ads have said since I was a boy, proclaimed that in two weeks all the gray will be gone and would have been so gradual no one will know!

Well, The Wife will…She was at the retailer when I bought it, along with some other toiletries and she was working self-checkout when I was heading out and peeked inside my bag.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

Become A Patron! Support Funny And Thoughtful Writing Here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody 1/26/17 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Visit America’s Funniest guy On Facebook…Or The Bunny Gets It!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Thursday, January 26
A bunch of us were in the breakroom before clocking in today, including several maintenance apes, Jesus, Dan-o, Danny, some others…Some of them have lockers in the breakroom which I’ve never understood…They have their own building for Pete’s sake, they can keep their tool bags over there,  but they have lockers in the breakroom.

Anyway, I was inspecting Dan-o’s tool bag and getting some good-natured needling about not knowing anything about its contents…Regular readers of this crap know this good-natured needling is earned…Well, not completely…I can recognize, and probably even use, some of them, like the screwdriver or maybe even one of those wrench deals, but that’s probably about it.

Jesus started in, actually talking to Dan-o:

Hey, Dan-o, I bet Sparrow doesn’t know any of the stuff in here…He just recognizes pens and the TV remote and stuff…

Dan-o smiles then looks at me, then at his tool bag.

You know, you might be right…Hey Sparrow, you know what any of this stuff is…

I purse my lips and start looking thru the bag, touching each tool carefully, as if I could catch the plague from it:

I dunno…What do we got here???…Looks like we got some ratchets…pylons…what’s are these, pot holders???

Dan-o and Jesus both laffed.

Some locals brought some wine and beer for some of their friends who are staying with us…It was sitting on the back counter waiting for delivery to the room when Karina the PBX Operator walks out, sees it, and wonders if she could have some…Since Karina has not yet achieved mandated by this state to legally purchase and consume stuff like this I said no…I then take her to the back office, where Angelica is sitting at the Rooms Control desk

Angelica, what is our policy on underage drinking???

This made us both laff a little because we have an inside joke about this…Angelica is only 19 and on her  birthday I made a crack about how I knew the celebration of her birth would most certainly not include the consumption of alcoholic beverages…Angelica was firm and solemn:

Underage drinking is against the law.

She then nodded her head for emphasis, which was funny, too, and Karina thought we were serious, that she was going to get in trouble for even thinking about it, before I told her it was our inside joke.

After work I went to the gym to get some cardio in for the fitness test I have some zero chance of passing…I’m trying tho…I repeat, there weren’t any specs to meet in the letter and everyone was “encouraged to do their best” so we’ll see.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

Become A Patron! Support Funny And Thoughtful Writing Here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody 1/25/17 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Visit America’s Funniest guy On Facebook…Or The Bunny Gets It!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Wednesday, January 25
Spent some quality time with Stanko today, who’s the adjutant for both the Legion post and district I command…He said there were some things we needed to go over, so we met for lunch at a diner in town.

The big one is the location of April’s district meeting…At the last meeting, we set the last Saturday in April as the date, and the post here in my small town would host it….Usually, district meetings run from 9 till lunch…If there’s any leftover business we take of it, but they are all usually done by 1pm.

Well, as usual, the state got their paws in it…They want to attend both our meeting the meeting of the district south of us and they want to do it on the same day, too…They had suggested one on Saturday and one on Sunday, but Stanko put his foot down on that…Nobody really liked the Sunday meeting we had last time…Stanko also suggested District 13 have their meeting on Friday night, because the state bigwigs will already be in town, but we’re not entirely sure District 13 would like that.

Another option was to have District 13 have their meeting in the morning and we’d have our meeting in the afternoon, in a town about an hour away from District 13’s meeting…We don’t know if they’ll be able to host it, tho, and I told Stanko I would take care of all the arrangements, because he’s leaving town…This really doesn’t matter in this day and age, but Stanko, adorably, remains convinced that district business can only be conducted when he is actually in the state because he doesn’t travel with a laptop and only uses his mobile phone when some member of his family has been kidnapped or some such other emergency.

He also had some paperwork for me to sign…For the record, I had the diner’s splendid meatloaf sandwich and fries…Stanko had his usual hamburger – no cheese – and fries and he never eats all his fries, so I had some of his, too.

Stanko also said Win is interested in becoming Commander at our election in May. Recall I’ve served a couple of terms because no one else wants the job and if Win is really interested I’ll gladly step down…Win is currently the post’s senior vice commander and it is certainly not unheard of for the senior vice, as they are known, to move up to commander…In fact, it’s the standard fact in most posts…You work your way up, with my ascension almost immediately upon moving to town the exception.

I brought my non-working watch into town to take it to a jeweler to get a new battery put, but it’s working again…I am not making that up!!…I had asked Stanko for a recommendation for a place to get it replaced at and I looked down at it an wappo!, it was working again!!!

Slept in till almost 8:30 this morning, the latest I’ve slept in ages…I was up at 5 or so to use the can and felt pretty good and thought I’d stay awake after crawling back into bed, but no…I asleep in fairly short order…The Wife slept even later…Coffee was on and I was putzing around the office when she finally stirring about 9 or so.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

Become A Patron! Support Funny And Thoughtful Writing Here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Daily Dose/January 25, 2017

Visit America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook!

 The Daily Dose/January 25, 2017
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

GET OUT YOUR HISTORY BOOKS: Earlier this month the University of Connecticut, commonly known as UConn, women’s basketball team, coached by Geno Auriemma, tied, then broke, the NCAA record for most consecutive wins by a basketball team with their 90th and then their 91st consecutive victory. The record covers both genders and all divisions.

They broke the record set by the UConn women’s basketball team, also coached by Auriemma, who won 90 straight from November 2008 through December 2010. This streak broke the all-time NCAA record set by John Wooden’s UCLA squads, who won 88-straight games from January 1971- January 1974.

Once More, With Feeling: The significance of this cannot be overstated:

A team broke its own record!

This does not happen too often. There are a few instances of it in the baseball record book but they are rare. For one person to do something better than anyone else is noteworthy enough. To do it again is almost super-human.

Some Places Have Interns For This Crap: The NBA has a couple of examples of this. In November 1957, Bill Russell established the record for Most Rebounds in an NBA game with 49. He broke it again with 51 rebounds in February 1960. Similarly, Wilt Chamberlain established the NBA single-game scoring in January 1961 with 78 points and broke it with his 100-point game in March 1962.

Back On Message: Some like to dismiss Auriemma’s accomplishments because he coaches chicks. Their loss. Not only is Auriemma the holder of the two longest winning streaks in college basketball, but he has won eleven NCAA championships, also a record for a NCAA basketball coach, and he has won three Olympic gold medals coaching the US women’s team. By any measure, Auriemma is one of the very best there has ever been at what he does, which is coach college basketball.

Some malcontents like to say further that the competition isn’t as tough in women’s college basketball, that they’re simply aren’t that many quality teams. OK, so what? If the competition is substandard why hasn’t anyone else done it?

The Bottom Line: Excellence was there for the taking and only Geno has put up these numbers. While the players are different, the coach is the same and matching and then breaking your own record is a tremendous accomplishment.

THOSE ZANY ROYALS: King of England Henry VIII marries Anne Boleyn on this date in 1533. It’s the second marriage for Henry, who was actually still married to Queen Catherine, whom he had wed 24 years earlier, though she had been banished from court a couple of years earlier.

Henry, though, had the hots for Anne and was bound and determined to marry her. Pope Clement VII, however, declined to annul his marriage to Catherine, but the new Archbishop of Canterbury, no fool, had no such qualms and did his duty, annulling the marriage in May 1533. A few days later he declared Henry’s marriage to Anne valid and England’s break with the Catholic Church was underway.

Their union produced the future Queen Elizabeth I, but other attempts to produce a male heir failed and soon Henry VIII was dating around again and Anne was executed in 1536.

Is This The Party To Whom I Am Speaking?: Alexander Graham Bell in New York City and Thomas Watson in San Francisco conduct the first transcontinental telephone call on this date in 1915.

A Nice Accomplice To History: Watson was, of course, Bell’s assistant for several years, and was on the receiving end of History’s first telephone call on March 10, 1876 when Bell called him from the next room.

Higher…Stronger…Colder: What History now refers to as the first Winter Olympics open in Chamonix, France on this date in 1924. They were then known as the International Winter Sports Week and were held in conjunction with the 1924 Summer Olympics, to be held in Paris later in the year.

Dry, Technical Matter: Norway and Finland each won four gold medals. America won one, Charles Jewtraw in 500-meter speed skating, and the US hockey team won the silver medal.

Thought For The Day: When a man is one of a kind, he will be lonely wherever he is. – Louis L’Amour, The Lonesome Dove

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: The oldest continuously operating military unit in the world is the King’s Own Immemorial 1st Infantry Regiment, founded in Spain in 1248.

Today’s Stumper: When was ice hockey first contested at the Olympic Games? Answer next time!

Support your local writer! Patronize Gaylon here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Daily Dose | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody 1/24/17 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Visit America’s Funniest guy On Facebook…Or The Bunny Gets It!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, January 23
One of the raging battles The Wife and I fight is over the proper way to store bread…Bread, of course, comes with a plastic tab, or one of those wire twisties, that secure the top of the package…Following a tradition established by Pa Sparrow, I am in the habit of not using the tab and tucking the top of the bag underneath the bag.

The Wife, however, is a traditionalist who uses the tab and has, from time to time over the ten years we’ve been together, provided instruction in how to properly secure the top of a package of bread…I tend to ignore this instruction and since I tend to leave the tab on the counter, it usually isn’t too hard to find and, not matter what method is used, we always have fresh bread.

Tonight, The Wife, finding her usual fault with my Bread Preservation Method, brought the bread to the table, opened the top and said:

Here why don’t you just leave it on the counter like this…It’s the same difference…

I laffed…It was a pretty funny line.

The Wife was in rare form today and in the morning also gave me the finger…She was about to head out to do something and couldn’t find her wallet…This, I have learned, is no cause for alarm…She frequently cannot find something and invariably it is someplace nearby and I long ago stopped going to DefCon 1 whenever her wallet, or keys, couldn’t be found…As it was, this morning her wallet happened to be, and I am not making this up, in her purse…Not in her desk, not in a drawer, not in her winter coat…In her purse….I told The Wife I was not particularly worried about finding them either, you know, based on past experiences and stuff because at any given time we are usually no more than a few feet away from the lost item.

I don’t worry anymore until Day 5…

That’s when her middle finger made an appearance…The Wife also instructed me to perform a physical impossibility on myself.

Good workout today…Recall I have a fitness test for the detention deputy spot at the county jail and I’m in reasonably good shape…If they ask me to complete a triathlon I’m up a creek, but otherwise I should be OK.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

Become A Patron! Support Funny And Thoughtful Writing Here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody 1/23/17 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Visit America’s Funniest guy On Facebook…Or The Bunny Gets It!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Monday, January 23
One day after the Queen of England would have been hard pressed to get a late checkout out of me, I actually granted a couple…Both were to rooms that did not have an incoming guest and neither were for more than an hour…So it is possible to get a late checkout out of ol’ Sparrow, but the planets have to be in line, there can’t be anyone coming into the room later that day and you can’t sound like a snot when you make your request, so no one should get too excited.

And there were more snotty people today, altho this guy did have legitimate gripes about our WiFi service…It is not all that great, frankly…It is difficult to access because you have to sign up and enter a promo code to dismiss the charges and it’s pretty slow when we’re busy and this guy was peeved…He said sorry wasn’t good enough and he wanted to know, immediately if not sooner, just what I planned to do about it.

Well, I planned to pass him off on the vendor who supplies the service, that’s what I planned to do…I called and talked to a nice guy who investigated and found there was a problem with some signal director or something like that and then I transferred him to the guest and I didn’t hear anything from anyone after that.

Like you probably, conversation at lunch in the breakroom centered around insecticide, cheese curds, bank robbery and lactation…Most of it was courtesy of Charlie, tho it started with Austin and I chatting about workout supplements…Then Charlie, who’s pretty smart, took that as an invitation to talk about insecticides because I guess they’re related, at least in his world, and if you’re looking for what got him off on that tangent, good luck, I’ve forgotten…From there it was a natural progression to cheese curds because Austin had mentioned Wisconsin, then Charlie  rolled right into some infamous local who robbed a bank and got five years in prison for it.

Hey Charlie, I said, you get invited to many parties???…That was really dull.

Anyssa talked about lactation…Regular readers of this crap know she recently gave birth and not only does she breast feed, but she pumps milk at work with some contraption she keeps in a blue, steel box that is not small…Anyssa added, in the same manner she would have used had we been talking about the weather or a sandwich, that sometimes she has so much milk stored she actually leaks, which I thought was pretty funny, tho she said I wouldn’t think it’s funny if my wife leaked all over the bed…She also said, well, never mind…It was pretty technical.

Tried to get more online training done at the retailer, but I couldn’t get past this one module…It wasn’t really module tho…It was supposed to be training on some government welfare program, but you click on the link and you get a PDF form that says Close this window which takes you back to the main page but doesn’t let you take following modules…Connie, the Personnel chief, tried to figure it out but couldn’t, so I ended up on Aisle 3, where it was rather slow…There wasn’t even a decent bachelor purchase of the night, tho one older guy did buy a couple of frozen pizzas and mac and cheese, but I got the impression he was more of a guy who whose wife was away for a couple of days than a day-in, day-out, working bachelor.

The big news is the battery on my new watch – the real cool one that is mainly made of wood – appears to have died…At 7:10 yesterday morning…So I wore the old $7 one I got at the retailer a year or so ago, after my solar powered one threw in the towel during another winter when it wasn’t getting its required sunlite…It sill had accurate time, too…Well, it was an hour off because of the time change, but other than that it was right on the money…Meanwhile, my $150 fancy-pants watch needs a new battery…Go figure.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

Become A Patron! Support Funny And Thoughtful Writing Here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody 1/22/17 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Visit America’s Funniest guy On Facebook…Or The Bunny Gets It!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Sunday, January 22
Boy, a very busy shift at the resort…Leah called off and I was alone and it is not a trade secret that Sundays are the busiest morning for a lodging establishment and it was a dead sprint from 7am until about 1pm or so when it slowed down to a light jog…Tanya called off for swing shift, too, which was tuff because there were almost as many incoming guests as departing guests, and the new manager Julie said screw it and came it 3pm to help Alberto.

It was so busy I worked straight through without a lunch, we were that swamped…Karina, the new PBX operator came in at 9:30 and that really helped, but there were still guests to attend to and duties to do and I didn’t even get to eat the lunch The Wife made for me…The only reason I had anything to eat at all was because Allyson in sales took pity on me and brought me a sandwich.

There had to be at least 15 people who called asking to check out late this morning…All tried to make it sound like theirs was the first late checkout request in Lodging History and all were told no…Look, it’s not my fault you booked your flight for the middle of the night…You can’t stay still 4pm and, frankly, you should’ve had the good sense to book an extra night, then you could leave at your convenience.

My personal fave was the guy who indicated how he coulda sworn his late checkout request wouldn’t be a problem, it was only an extra couple of hours, and then snottily kept quiet, as if this would magically make me see the error of my ways.

Look, a ski resort in the winter is busy, and established check out times are there to ensure that incoming guests can get into their room before sundown…If I would’ve granted every late checkout housekeeping would’ve been paralyzed and rooms would not have been available until midnight.

I was, as usual, gracious…Everyone was issued the standard line: I’m sorry, I’m unable to offer a late checkout this morning…Sometimes, like the snot who shut up, were told it multiple times.

Back on Aisle 5 at the retailer!!!

Not the whole way, but the first two hours, blow me, don’t even start…I had reported for duty prepared to do more online training but Sir Thomas took command and nixed that immediately, saying we were, as usual, shorthanded and he directed me to Aisle 5.

It was like coming home…We weren’t too busy, so the first thing I did was fuss over the station, cleaning the conveyor belt and generally tidying up…To celebrate my triumphant return, I even had a decent Bachelor Purchase of the Night!!!…Some guy in his early 30’s came through with some ramen, some house brand macaroni and cheese, Fritos, a gallon of chocolate milk and some Spam…Well, not real Spam, the house brand processed luncheon meat product…I didn’t really approve of this…Unless I was scrounging the sofa for loose change – not completely unheard of in those epic bachelor days – I would’ve gone with the leading national brand, Spam, but payday is later this week and a buck could be a buck.

The Wife and I will get Spam from to time…Or rather I will, she doesn’t really like it…More for me, and since I can make a sandwich out of old flashlight batteries, I generally fry them up and put some cheese on them.

While on Aisle 5 I noticed there was a brand new box of plug chewing tobacco…Recall, I sold some plug a couple of weeks ago and so did someone else because we were down to one pack and some got ordered…Based on how long the four packs lasted – about five months – this new box of 15 should last a couple of years.

Regular readers of this crap may well remember the lady who appeared to have had a facelift reversed…That is the best way to describe her look…She came through again tonight and looked more curious than ever…Actually, it looked like someone had taken some paint thinner and a scrubby to her face and injected her lips with a double dose of halogen or estrogen or whatever it is they inject in lips to make them bigger.

She bought some stuff for around the house and spent $54.12.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

Become A Patron! Support Funny And Thoughtful Writing Here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Diary of a Nobody 1/21/17 – Drivel From Sparrow!

Visit America’s Funniest guy On Facebook…Or The Bunny Gets It!

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Saturday, January 21

Boy, the resort is pretty low key for ski season…We are finding everybody homes without too much difficulty and things that must be solved right now are few.

Altho Jason the Maintenance Manager did come by this morning and say he had some bad news: there was a water leak in 6307, a presidential unit…Well, any water leak is bad, but in presidential units they are particularly bad because we don’t have a lot of them and they are always booked, which means we generally have no place comparable to put them.

Jason said the g*ddamned roofing company that came in recently screwed things up…The water was coming from an icicle in the attic that is melting cause its warming up and going thru a nail hole the jackball roofers made…Exactly why the roofers made a hole with a nail and didn’t leave the nail in there isn’t immediately – and may never well be – clear…The leak is actually minimal and not affecting the guest, except for some cosmetic damage, and the roofers will be back Monday to make it better and we’re hoping the guest that is incoming Sunday won’t have to be moved.

Also, the soap in the bathroom at the resort dries my hands out, so I have to steal some lotion from our guest stockpile at the front desk…I don’t know why people make soap that dries out hands…It makes no sense.

Spent the entire shift at the retailer in the back doing some online training…This was stuff that should’ve been done when I was hired, before I was allowed to hit the floor…It was on really basic stuff, like how to log on to your cashier terminal and how to process a credit card transaction…I have no idea why it took five months to have take this and I didn’t ask…I get paid the same either way.

Boy, tho, you forget the pressure cooker you live under in the trenches every shift…It was nice to get a breather, and I was told I was sufficiently far behind in my training to ensure I will probably be catching up all weekend.

So the only decent Bachelor Purchase of the Night was made by me, some Wheat Thins to enjoy on a break…For full bachelor effect I probably should’ve rolled with some Cheez-Itz, but I was in the mood for some Wheat Thins and good luck stopping me.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th-century British novel of the same name.

Become A Patron! Support Funny And Thoughtful Writing Here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Diary of a Nobody | Leave a comment

The Daily Dose/January 22, 2017

Visit America’s Funniest Guy on Facebook!

 The Daily Dose/January 22, 2017
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy 

AMERICA…LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE ONCE GREAT: As we noted in our last column, President Trump’s inaugural address came in at about 1,400 words. Most of them sounded like he was back on the campaign trail and did not have the broad, historical perspective the very best inaugural addresses have had over the centuries.

Some of his words, though, weren’t too bad and the following 25 words hit the nail right on the head:

Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving…

Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: Bingo. We have expressed similar sentiments before, both here and while campaigning for the United States Senate and House of Representatives:

America has stopped dreaming.

For a while now America has settled for being well-entertained and, frankly, well-fed. The America that won World War II and remains the only nation to put men on the moon has left the building. We have been derelict in our duties as the world’s only superpower and the consequences of this dereliction are widespread.

Leading Off: One, we haven’t put a human on Mars. Not only have we missed out on the accomplishment itself, but we’ve missed out on the innovations this effort would have required.

Two, no one looks up to America anymore.

They used to, despite all our problems. Despite having once allowing slavery, despite making every non-white male fight tooth and nail for every gain, despite every obstacle we threw up, America used to mean something to the rest of the world.

We can again. In fact, we’ve always felt America has an obligation to mean something to the rest of the world. However, America will not start meaning something to the rest of the world until we start meaning something to ourselves again, until we start thinking big again and start striving again.

The Bottom Line: America hasn’t strived since we left the moon in December 1972. We have stopped dreaming and striving and have become content. We have become a second-rate country, mired in perpetual war, mindless debt and fractured and divided society. We elected a president who – an occasional well-turned phrase notwithstanding – is utterly without qualification, class or civility. Four years from now we will probably still be at war and hopelessly in debt, four years closer to our ultimate collapse, probably before this half-century is out.

TEN-HUT! 150 members of the Swiss Guard arrive in the Vatican City to protect Pope Julius II on this date in 1506. Julius had been a bishop in Switzerland before becoming Pope, and upon becoming pope had requested a Swiss mercenary force for protection.

The Pontifical Swiss Guard still performs this role, as well as other security roles in Vatican City, and remains one of the oldest continually operating military elements in the world.

Now Hear This: The United States Supreme Court issues two rulings, Roe vs Wade and Doe vs Bolton, both of which remove all barriers to elective abortion in the United States. Roe decreed that the right to privacy established by the 14th Amendment to the Constitution extends to a woman’s right to have an abortion. The Doe ruling overturned Georgia’s abortion law, which had allowed it only in cases of rape, incest, deformity of the fetus or for the health of the mother.

Thought For The Day: …he who ceases to learn is already a half-dead man. Do not be like an oyster who rests on the sea bottom waiting for the good things to come by. Search for them. Find them. – Louis L’Amour, The Lonesome Dove

Answer To The Last Trivia Question: The longest presidential inaugural address was 8,460 words in 1841 by William Henry Harrison. The shortest was George Washington’s second inaugural, 135 words, in 1793.

Today’s Stumper: What is the oldest military unit sill in continuous operation? Answer next time!

Support your local writer! Patronize Gaylon here!

Share Gaylon! Go!
Posted in The Daily Dose | Leave a comment