The Sunday Bottom Ten #3 – February 11, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Let’s dive right in with this week’s mess, shall we?
This week’s mess:
1. Michigan State University
Mitigating Factors: Sex Abuse about ready to become sanctioned Big Ten sport as Spartans already racking up such impressive history of denials, lies, inaction in handling sexual abuse claims both against and by its athletes that former standard-bearer Penn State is nodding approvingly while hastily updating best practices list.
FunFact: School officials privately thrilled as NCAA already set standard with Penn State for punishing schools that keep child molesters on staff…Remaining Michigan State booster(s) already looking forward to mere fines, scholarship losses with penalties eased after halfway into probation period with entire incident forgotten after a few years.
2. Olympic Doping
Mitigating Factors: Olympic officials, international tribunals – still dealing with detritus from 2014 Winter Games – fretting over being unable to prepare for latest round of doping from 2018 Games as arbiters were deciding which Russians would and would not compete right up until opening ceremony.
Get Your Official Sunday Bottom Ten Policy Right Here: Olympic athletes have been doping since ancient Olympians secretly took Euripides’ Excellent Elixir to make wrestling other naked, hirsute Greek men bearable…You ain’t going to stop it, so how about really leveling the playing field by legalizing everything?
3. Natalie Wood
Mitigating Factors: 40 years after death, actress’ murder still an open case as LA sheriff’s department declares then-husband Robert Wagner person of interest…Now 88, Wagner – unable to recall details of morning coffee much less long-ago death of wife – no longer credible witness…First Sunday B-10 medal stand appearance ever for late actress.
FunFact: Our sainted mother – a big Natalie Wood fan – had case solved in five minutes declaring Wood was “boinking that bastard Walken and Wagner killed her.”…Lutheran father unwilling/able to explain what boinking was to curious sons, though Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they know what it means now.
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 pollsters dismayed when obliged to use self-serve kiosk to order recent breakfast…It wasn’t particularly difficult, but snarky girl barking instructions – who has some zero clue its her job the machine will ultimately take – didn’t help, either…New 21st century process only took two (2) minutes longer than old-fashioned give-order-to-cashier method.
You Deserve A Kiosk Today: Sunday B-10 pollsters also got shorts in a knot over value menu change affecting prices of treasured McMuffins, biscuits (no egg)…Attempt to call in air strikes failed as Sunday B-10 air wing had day off.
5. La Verne University (0-22)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Leopards retain Sunday Continental Cup – issued to men’s college basketball team with longest all-division losing streak in NAFTA sphere of influence – going 0-2 this week to extend losing streak to 25 straight games…Leopards show focus required to retain Sunday Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – following up too-close-for-comfort six (6)-point loss Wednesday with gut-check 15-point loss Saturday.
#MeToo: Sunday B-10 pollsters continuing to come under attack from feminist groups, other lesbians, for not awarding Sunday Continental Cup to chick basketball team from D-III Bard College, who have lost 61 straight games, more than any lousy men’s team.
6. Trump Military Parade
Mitigating Factors: Plans for Trump Mine’s Bigger Military Spectacular not new, as transition officials considered show of force during inaugural parade…Usually held by dictators, exact theme for parade for democratically elected president unclear, but could feature celebration of undeclared wars and continued drone strikes on innocent civilians.
Ten-Hut!: Highlights expected to include Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Honor Guard forming Twitter logo on national mall, simulated Air Force nuclear attack on Quebec, synchronized snoring of napping submarine navigation department.
7. Winter 2017-18
Mitigating Factors: Based in Rockies, Sunday B-10 pollsters officially “kind of grateful” for second consecutive mild winter, especially since wife has trouble keeping car on road in springtime.
FunFact: Still, though, Sunday B-10 pollsters feel for those whose living is dependent on regular snowfall, like snow plowers, as well as to other western states that will not have enough water this year…This is Sunday B-10 pollsters seventh (7th) winter up here and three (3) have been rather dry, though pollsters not smart enough to know if global warming is cause.
8. Super Bowl LLII
Mitigating Factors: Did we call it, or what???…Last week in this space we said go put mortgage on Eagles because we are picking the Patriots…Those who followed this advice are rich now, those who didn’t are microwaving frozen burritos…Patriots have now appeared in 19 percent of all Super Bowls played.
FunFact: Not too much luster comes off the Patriots ere of excellence. Sometimes you win the Super Bowl, sometimes you lose the Super Bowl…Eight (8) Super Bowls this century still one heck of an accomplishment.
9. Tom Brady
Mitigating Factors: Brady now 8-for-8 in having team in position to win Super Bowl…Only thing preventing Brady from winning another one was porous defense that would have been hard-pressed to stop Sunday B-10 pollsters running draw play. FunFact: Brady making strong case for greatest team sport athlete ever…Anyone still arguing that Brady is not the greatest quarterback ever is high, legally in more and more states.
10. The American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: Indifferent demographic anchors survey for second straight week as perpetual wars, mindless debt, bitter social division will toss once-proud nation aside History’s scrap heap before half century is out.
Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: With 2018 midterms coming up, American voters to decide if they are going to continue enabling status quo or tell selves, world they are going to demand something better this Election Day.
The Sunday Bottom Ten runs weekly, on Sundays, and is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season.