The Sunday Bottom Ten #4 – February 18, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Like a kidney stone, the week that was has passed.
This week’s mess:
1. Florida School Shooting
Mitigating Factors: United States currently leading NATO, UN with roughly 2.5 school shootings per week thanks to latest Florida heartbreak…It could have been avoided, but FBI too busy to investigate January 5 tip from whackjob concerned citizen that shooter was crackers and had guns and could possibly shoot up a school.
FunFact: Near-constant shootings really draining country’s emotional resources, with Americans thinking of requisitioning extra rations of thoughts, prayers from NRA.
2. President Trump’s Fiscal Year 2019 Budget
Mitigating Factors: Country so fractured most people looking at Trump 2019 fiscal year budget solely from partisan viewpoint and objective analysis somewhat hard to find, though Sunday B-10 pollsters did note their request for $5.2 billion for research and development not included…Trump puts “Efficient, Effective, Accountable” on cover of FY 2019 budget because nothing in this country can be done without watchwords anymore. FunFact: Though deficit not known for sure, most conservative estimates place it at about 4.6 percent of America’s Gross Domestic Product, a bit higher than the $2.5 percent that is generally thought to be not to bad a debt ratio…Nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office places FY 2019 deficit at about 3 percent less than what it thought it would be.
3. Florida Prostitution Sting
Mitigating Factors: A few days before 17 people are slaughtered down I -75, Naples, Florida police snag evil judge, pastor, actor, other community pillars in prostitution sting…Judge has since retired, though status of pastor, actor, others not known…Chick cop posing as whore pricing sex acts to move, issuing quotes ranging from $150 to $300.
FunFact: Psychos are posting videos about how armed and dangerous they are but Florida law enforcement focused on men trying to get some…While mindful that most prostitutes have had lousy, usually violent lives, can we ask 1) who the victim here is and, 2) don’t Florida police have better things to do?
4. Florida School Shooting II
Mitigating Factors: Lots of countries have guns but only America subjected to regular, random school shootings because America has planet’s most violent citizens…Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” violent citizens caused by violent government at war every day since 1989, but violent movies, video games, families could be to blame, too.
FunFact: Though only fourth Sunday Bottom Ten, Florida School Shooting already first Sunday B-10 entry to appear twice in same survey.
Mitigating Factors: Former lead Soviet republic humming on all cylinders with nine (9) Olympic medals despite fact entire nation was banned from 2018 games…Also has hot, new indictment in United States for meddling in recent US presidential election.
Still To Come: Indictment names 13 Russians and no Americans – yet – in attempt ‘to sow discord” in US, which they appear to have done a pretty good job of, considering 2016 election made Civil War elections look like Disneyland attraction…No word yet on whether evil Russians have turned themselves in to be housed in cells next to Mexican drug vendor El Chapo.
6. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Lack of war declaration not stopping triumphant America from continuing drone strikes against Yemen, Somalia, Pakistan and Afghanistan in 2018…Year off to strong start, with 22 US drone strikes already producing over 100 deaths, including collateral military deaths, too.
USA! USA!: Attack in Syria this week not official drone strike, but thrilled onlookers by taking out five (5) innocent goddamned Ruskies anyway…Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” none of the five were named in recent US election meddling indictment.
7. Goucher College
Mitigating Factors: Sunday Continental Cup usually issued to men’s college basketball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO, but Goucher has pollsters scrambling for new award as both Gophers, Gopherettes run table, finishing season combined 0-49 with combined 65 game losing skid…Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Goucher first school to have two winless hoop teams since Tijuana Tech Vaqueros y Vaqueras both ran table in 1953.
FunFact: Sunday B-10 pollsters still under fire from feminist groups for refusing to give Sunday Continental Cup to Mount Holyoke chick team, who finished 2017-18 death march with longest all-gender, all-division losing skid at 44 games.
8. Gas Tax
Mitigating Factors: President Trump said “everything is on table” in attempting to fund exciting new infrastructure plan, including 25-cent increase in gas, diesel taxes…Local governments preparing to take it shorts as plan calls for municipalities to pay upwards of 80 percent of costs.
FunFact: Federal gas tax currently 18.4 cents a gallon and hasn’t been raised since 1993, meaning with inflation the tax is now worth about 11 cents but no matter, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” us Americans are taxed enough already and are “strongly encouraging” Administration to find another goddamned way to fund plan.
9. 2026 Winter Olympics
Mitigating Factors: With selection meeting for 2026 Games a year-and-a-half away only once city – Sion, Switzerland – has formally announced a bid…IOC determined to become more user-friendly, coming down from high horse and inviting potential cities to “dialogue” with them in attempt to drum up interest in hosting fun, two-week sporting event that generally provides zero long-term dividend.
FunFact: IOC so desperate for more bids it has reportedly contacted Bottom Ten HQ town Hayden, Colorado which has upgraded grandstands at high school for opening, closing ceremonies, has new owner at local diner plus hotel “almost probably” in works
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: Once concerned segment of American democracy, Americans still content with fractured, partisan and bickering government…Many Americans still deciding between taking charge at ballot box this November, upgrading cable package for summer.
Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: Utter fiasco of perpetual wars, mindless debt and deepest social divides since Civil War will destroy this country before this half-century is out if American Electorate doesn’t do something PDQ.
Thought for the Week: Oh, what low joke was Fortuna playing on her now? Arrest, accident, job! Where would this dreadful cycle ever end? – John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces
The Sunday Bottom Ten runs on Sundays and is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season.