The Sunday Bottom Ten #5 – February 25, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
Another kidney stone of a week has passed. This week’s imbroglio:
1. Russian Election Meddling
Mitigating Factors: We got worked up over this???…13 (thirteen) indictments over some mindless, halfwit Facebook, Instagram posts???…Method gaining respect from tactical analysts, who praise Russian ability to lose Trump the popular vote by 2.8 million while managing to win quaint, American quirk known as Electoral College.
FunFact: Pox on America for having type of fractured, bickering society that would allow zany Ruskies to think they could make a difference in the first place…Nobody meddles in our elections without our consent and if we Americans are dumb enough let crap like this influence us, we deserve what we get at the polls.
2. National Gun Control Conversation
Mitigating Factors: With surviving, pissed off teens mobilizing in Florida, GOP comes through in clutch, suggesting arming teachers, leading Sunday B-10 pollsters to chuckle at thought of Mrs Kilby or Miss Fellwock packing heat at Emmaus First Lutheran…Other GOP proposals include return to corporal punishment, increased detention for shooters, not to mention deputized cops that actually enter fray when shooting starts.
FunFact: Time coming when peeved Americans will demand their government do something…While mindful criminals don’t obey laws, Sunday B-10 pollsters virtually “pretty sure” you could pass something meaningful without violating spirit of Second Amendment.
Mitigating Factors: With Americans beating upstart Canadians in chick hockey, both curling tournaments, America has something to feel good as society continues to crumble…Lousy athletes, like Hungarian/American skier who sashayed way down halfpipe instead of doing flips and stuff, not mention entire North Korean team, really not doing anybody any good…Also, it would be nice if some country other than America and Canada played for chick hockey gold medal.
FunFact: Pyeongchang another Olympic city left to enjoy large debt, unused facilities…With interest in hosting Games dwindling, Sunday B-10 pollsters wondering if Olympics, like America, might not be gone before this half-century is out.
4. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Two more drone strikes in Afghan/Pakastani/Somalian/Yemeni sphere of influence bring 2018 total to 24, with over 120 deaths…US attacking sovereign nations despite fact they pose no direct threat to America, Congress having not declared war on them as specified in Constitution…US military analysts, Sunday B-10 pollsters “mostly sure” majority of deaths military/terrorist personnel.
USA! USA!: Congress had not declared war on anyone since June, 1942.
5. Online Pharmaceutical Adverts
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 pollsters too cheap to pay for ad-free youtube experience obliged to watch stereotypical, rather serious actors try to sell them potions for Type II diabetes, Crohn’s Disease, neither of which they have, plan on getting…Pollsters would also like to point out they don’t habla Espanol, either.
“If Death Persists, See Your Doctor.”: With side effect warnings like lowered immune system effectiveness, cancer risks and open sores now taking up two-thirds of some ads, Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” day is coming when actual death is side effect.
6. Goucher College
Mitigating Factors: Division III Gophers take inaugural end-of-season Bottom Ten Pollster’s Cup – issued to all-division college basketball program with worst men’s/women’s combined record…Men finished 0-24, while chicks open, end season with 25-game skid…Teams have tag-teamed to lose 65 straight games.
FunFact: Men’s team ranked Dead Last of 414 D-III teams scoring only 60.1 ppg, while women lost games by average score of 78.2-to-33.5.
7. Executions In America
Mitigating Factors: Exciting Three For Thursday Throwdown ends up batting mere .333 as only Florida can be bothered to kill anybody…Alabama officials call off lethal injection of condemned killer when they determined they would be unable to find a vein before midnight expiration of death warrant, while Texas, in Upset of the Year, actually commutes death sentence to life without parole, accepting daddy’s plea for mercy for son who killed rest of family, shot him.
Gaylon For Congress…Vote Early, Vote Often: The death penalty should be abolished…Not only has US executed innocent people, but cost of keeping prisoners locked up for 40 years roughly $15-$20 million less than executing them.
Mitigating Factors: Deportation of otherwise useful immigrants continues for no other reason than spite and to appear tough on immigrants, despite fact nation has been built on backs of immigrants since whites first arrived in 1600’s.
FunFact: Syed Ahmed Jamal, an evil chemist who was arrested in January and was on plane to native Bangladesh before courts intervened, now being held in Missouri…Hilarious jail snafu turned planned visitation into poignant viewing through jail windows.
9. Dial up Internet
Mitigating Factors: Sunday B-10 pollsters forget the high-level research they were doing at time, but were officially ‘interested’ to note Earthlink, others, still offer ancient 20th-century porn accessing technology…Some research shows dial-up market share has dropped from 100 percent in 1980’s to roughly two (2) percent today.
FunFact: Exciting new Web Accelerator technology allows you to “surf web up 7x faster” unless chosen website has things like text or pics…Also, pop-up ad functionality limited.
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: Personal and confidential from me to you: our country is dying!!!…Between our perpetual wars, mindless debt, violent fellow citizens, deep social divides America will be tossed aside History’s scrap heap before this half-century is out if we don’t do something at the ballot box this year.
FunFact: No matter what happens in November America will send a message to the world that either they are embracing the opportunity to become the country its citizens and the world need or are taking a flier on it…Our call.
Thought for the Week: Everyone has it within his power to say, this I am today, that I shall be tomorrow. – Louis L’Amour, The Walking Drum
The Sunday Bottom Ten runs on Sundays, and is based on the football Bottom Tens Gaylon writes during football season.