The Sunday Bottom Ten #13 – April 22, 2018
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
This week’s goldmine
Mitigating Factors: American media got selves in a state of arousal over new Cuban president, even though old president remains head of Communist Party and new president won’t even fart without his permission…While there have been diplomatic breakthroughs and some free enterprise, monthly salary for average Cuban worker remains roughly $30 a month.
FunFact: Despite media glee, nothing will change…Cuba and its backward economy will still be bastion of Communism, repression, flip phones.
2. US Travel Ban
Mitigating Factors: Though US Supreme Court will hear arguments on new US travel ban this week, ban already keeping families from reuniting while preventing some legally in country from visiting homelands for fear they won’t be let back in…Sunday B-10 pollsters officially “Mindful” people want to destroy America, but current travel ban not in the spirit of what America is about.
FunFact: America was built on the backs of immigrants…Those who ignore that either forgot the history lessons they learned in school or never learned them in the first place.
3. Jack Johnson Pardon
Mitigating Factors: Public accustomed to feuds, name calling from President Trump thrown for loop when president discusses pardoning long-dead champion boxer this weekend based on highly personal conversation with close advisor Sylvester Stallone…Johnson died in 1946 and was convicted a century ago of transporting his white future wife across state lines for immoral purposes…After conviction, Johnson went on seven-year fact-finding mission of Europe and Latin America before surrendering to US authorities…Attempts to obtain pardon are not new.
FunFact: Christ, we knew the president didn’t have much of an attention span, but this is new even for him…Future decision to pardon every heavyweight champion for their crimes could completely bog down current Administration.
Mitigating Factors: Guys, please, give us a break from your relentless PR machine…From the combine to mock drafts to ex-player suicides to the real, probably-unconstitutional draft to the heralding of this season’s schedule, we all could use some NFL-free time…Sunday B-10 pollsters, however, “pretty sure” public would find ten-part series on How America Will Spend It’s Sunday After NFL Collapses Because No One Plays Football Anymore moderately interesting.
FunFact: Breaking down new schedule almost national obsession, with news media, other dregs focusing on advantage of early season/late season byes, intriguing Week 2 AFC North matchups, not to mention biggest potential December upsets.
5. Pussy Saga
Mitigating Factors: Not a chronology of Sunday B-10 pollster’s bachelorhood, but an online game that was advertised to us on a mainstream sports site while investigating a claim that a goal was actually scored in a soccer game somewhere…Dudes, how about some discretion???…A child could have ended up watching that, don’t even start.
FunFact: The ad featured scantily-clad, animated babes with really large fun bags and said no credit card was required to play with them…As of press time, determined Sunday B-10 pollsters still haven’t scored, but after a slow start are up to Level 10.
6. Legalized Weed
Mitigating Factors: Almost two-thirds of America now has access to legal weed, either medicinal or recreational – still not the three-thirds that should have access to it, but we’re getting there – so how about releasing everyone from prison whose only crime is possessing, selling or growing weed???
FunFact: We’re taxed enough, and governments should get out of the weed regulation racket…Potheads and their dealers had perfectly acceptable quality control and payment system in place…All the government should do is remove the penalties associated with weed.
7. US Senate Foreign Relations Committee
Mitigating Factors: Bipartisan resolution to change turn-of-century war powers act introduced this week…It would change, though not end, a president’s ability to attack other countries…This is as unconstitutional as the old law, Article One, Section 8 of the US Constitution mandates that Congress and no one else declares war in America…What Congress should really do is demand no president conduct acts of war against other nations without a declaration of war from them.
To Hell In A Handbasket: Congress’ abrogation of this responsibility to everyone from the president to the UN to NATO is one America’s great tragedies, resulting in a violent world and a violent United States.
8. St Peter’s Peacocks (0-28)
Mitigating Factors: Peacocks only 0-1 this week, but still retain Sunday Continental Cup – issued to college baseball team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 67th straight loss…Peacock offense humming on all cylinders, with 251 strikeouts and 222 total bases with Sunday B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” 1.13-to-1.0 Strikeouts-to-Total Bases ratio “like, you know, pretty bad and stuff”…Sunday B-10 pollsters still wondering how in the hell Internet can produce pics of cats with frosting on face but not list of longest college baseball losing streaks.
FunFact: Entire athletic program probably entitled to some sort of Sunday Bottom Ten award with seven sports combining for 27-155-2 mark so far in 2017-18.
9. US Drone Strikes
Mitigating Factors: Big week for US military, with 15 more drone strikes and 15 more deaths reported, though Special Olympics reportedly withholding Certificate of Merit as Pentagon only averaged one death per air strike.
USA! USA!: These strikes are against sovereign nations the American Congress has not declared war against, a violation of Article One, Section 8 of the Constitution which states – all together now – that Congress “shall have the power to declare war”.
Source: Bureau of Investigative Journalism
10. American Electorate
Mitigating Factors: 198 days till midterm elections that will show if America is ready to dismiss the status quo or whether they are not.
Listen To Me: Citizens, our country will collapse – perhaps before this half-century is out – if we don’t take charge at the ballot box soon…Reelecting the status quo will only get us more war and more mindless spending and, ultimately, tossed aside History’s scrap heap…We deserve better.
Thought for the Week: They couldn’t understand it and they could…They had their food and water right there, but what was that open space? – Charles Bukowski, Post Office
The Sunday Bottom Ten is based on the usually funny football Bottom Ten columns Gaylon writes during football season. It runs on Sundays.