The Diary of a Nobody/February 15

Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…

Friday, February 15
I’m back to eating well…This past week was a complete waste and I’d had enuff because I don’t my new pants to start getting tight…I am done with the larger size for good…I was feeling it physically, too, because I was back to drinking tons of water and getting up every hour on the hour while sleeping to use the can…Boo to that.

I spent my entire shift at the retailer today on a register, most of it on #1, not my treasured Aisle 5…It must have been National Consume Your Crap Before Paying For It Day because every other person had either eaten/drank their stuff before getting to me, or they allowed their rugrats to do this…Invariably they ask if this was OK, as if they’d have to put it back in the container if I said no…What I really want to do is make them take their empty containers with them, as a penalty just out of spite…No, I am not throwing your trash out because this will just encourage you to do it again and I am trying to end this type of behavior…And letting your beloved offspring do this lets them know it’s OK when actually it’s not.

Mini Pop Tarts moved pretty well today…I know this because they were on a shelf right in front of Register 1 and during some idle minutes I’d go out and rearrange the shelves…The cherry Mini Pop Tarts sold out likkity-split, leaving only maple brown sugar ones, which were popular, too…I had never thought in terms of enjoying Pop Tarts by the handful before, but the more I think about it, the more I am in favor of it…You put bowls of them out at parties just like you do mixed nuts. 

Then a couple of Jamaican women came thru…The first one was buying some bras and she started asking me questions about our selection, as if I’m Mr Bra…She accented her questions by, you know, running her hands over her (ample) bosom as if in demonstration of some bra technique or element or something…I had no clue…One, I can never understand the first five seconds of anything a Jamaican woman says…They talk so fast at first and it takes a few seconds for them to slow down…Two, bras are no longer a core competency, so even if I could decode her question, I’d be unable to answer it.

Towards the end of the shift, I was wandering around the baby area after helping Victoria return some large go-backs to Home Lines when I run into a gentleman carrying a box of diapers…Actually, he’s standing in the aisle giving the diapers the same blank stare he’d give a moon rock…I ask if I can help him and he looks up at me gratefully and asks if we have a smaller box…Initially, I thought he was referring to the number of diapers in the box (which, privately, I thought silly because the kid’s gonna crap his way thru them eventually anyway) but he clarified that he was wondering if there was a smaller size…Hell, I don’t know…I look at the box as if I know what I’m looking at – I don’t, I could never be bothered to reproduce – and then we walk back to the diaper rack…This box has a 1 in the corner and other boxes had twos and threes and fours on them, so in a Holmesian feat of deduction, I concluded these were the sizes and one appeared to be the smallest we had…There wasn’t a half or a zero size…He seemed grateful for the help, tho I’m glad he didn’t ask for a demonstration in putting them on.

Right at closing I’m in the self-checkout area and a guy is buying some stuff and he points to a debit card and a phone that had been left behind…The debit card has Anacinth’s name on it and she had just clocked out and we found her waiting for a ride in the lobby…I tell her I have her debit card and phone and try to hand them to her, but Anacinth is checking her pockets.

Anacinth, why are you looking in your pockets???….They’re not in there…They’re here in my hand.

Still more fiddling with her pockets.

Anancinth…Listen to me…Look at me…Your phone and debit card are right here in my hand…All you have to do is reach out and take them.

Actually, Anacinth was looking to make sure she hadn’t also left her cash somewhere, but it was still funny, and I eventually told her if she didn’t take her lousy phone and debit card I was going to go and put her debit card to use.

By the by, my fave sweaters are still on clearance for $5, priced to move to be sure, but I’m holding out for $3, hoping my size is still around…I asked and none of the girls there know when or even if they will be reduced further.

Sparrow’s Sleep Log: 0230 Friday until 0730 Friday…More completely screwed up sleep on Sparrow’s days off…I don’t know what happened…It used to be so easy…I’d get off at 0700 Wednesday, stay up till 1500 or so and then sleep for 18 hours…Those days are gone, tho…Sigh.

The Diary of a Nobody is a novel. All elements are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.

It was inspired by the 19th century British novel of the same name.

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