The Daily Dose/October 25, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

The Sunday Bottom 5
The very best of the very worst of the week that was.

1. World Series TV Ratings – Continuing to go down harder than whore with fleet in, as Games 1 and 2 were the least-watched Fall Classic games ever, with less than 3% of country bothering to tune in…You can say this and you can say that, but the non-stop home runs and strikeouts has made the game unwatchable. 

2. Election 2020 – You might think someone who believes the moon is part of Mars and the Revolution was won because the Continental Army secured British airports – like, say, President Trump – would not be a candidate for reelection as president of the United States, but you’d be wrong. 

3. Laruen Daigle – The new 3-hole staple, either until she breaks the all-time Billboard record for most weeks at #1 (110 weeks, Wendy Carlos, Switched-On Bach, Classical Album chart) or it becomes apparent she won’t…Her single You Say now in its 107th non-consecutive week at #1 on Hot Christian Songs chart. 

4. NASA Space Probe Nobody Can Pronounce – Sunday Bottom 5 pollsters “pretty sure” OSIRIS-REx landing on asteroid and collecting samples is “like, dude, way cool and stuff” though official Sunday Bottom 5 policy states America could have had humans on Mars in the 1980s had we felt like it…The mighty continue to fall.  

5. President Trump Fact Check – The 5-hole staple, Trump saying the coronavirus is going away highlights this week’s lies. Click here to read the latest. From the Associated Press. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow explains hotel policy on the half-off breakfast voucher.   

Why it’s one per room is not clear, it’s merely the way it is and while regular readers of this crap know my powers as night auditor are sweeping, they are not all-encompassing and yours truly is not in a position to change this because Rule 3 of the night audit racket – behind show up on time every night and don’t give those bastards on day shift a reason to wonder what you are doing – is don’t cost the company money…I am, of course, authorized to wing it, tho, so I told the gent a second coupon for 140 would be issued today, but this would be for today, only, tomorrow they’d have to share one. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: A couple of naval officers present themsevles for admittance to the brew pub.

 One was a Lieutenant (junior grade) and we chatted about his current assignment and I told him when he was still playing with tug boats in the bathtub I was a quartermaster on the USS Blueback, (SS-581 Diesel Boats Forever, goddammit). Being a naval officer, even an airedale, he knew it was a submarine and he said wow, those were some pretty cramped quarters and I shrugged manfully and said you got used to it.

Cheap Sales Pitch
Get out your plastic.

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On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1760 – George III ascends the thrones of Great Britain and Ireland, following the death of his father, George II. Though George III would oversee the defeat of France in the Seven Years War and, with other nations, at the Battle of Waterloo, and he lost the American colonies in the American Revolution. His 81-years and reign of 60 years were both records for British monarchs at the time though both marks are now held by the current monarch, Elizabeth II. Two sons, George IV and William IV would later serve as British kings. 

In 2011 – Canada wins its first-ever international baseball tournament, defeating the United States 2-1 in the gold medal game at the Pan American Games at Guadalajara, Mexico. Canada finished the tournament with a 4-1 record, their only loss came to Cuba in pool play. For the US, it was the third of four consecutive silver medals at the Pan American Games and Canada’s win broke a streak of ten straight gold medals won by Cuba. Canada would repeat as Pan American Games champion in 2015. 

Editor’s Note: In our effort not to repeat entries, we will be featuring #1 songs from Billboard’s album chart from time to time. 

In 1975 –  Windsong by John Denver is at #1 on Billboard’s album chart – then as now known as the Billboard 200 – for the second and final week. It was the second of three #1 albums for Denver and the album yielded four Top 40 hits, I’m Sorry (#1) Calypso (#2), I’m Sorry (#13) and Looking For Space (#29). The album also went to #1 in Australia and also went to #1 on Billboard’s country album chart. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

An ambitious man is a man who wants other people to think he is great. The Judge knows he is great and doesn’t care what other people think.
Robert Penn Warren
All The King’s Men

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Daniel Carlson of Auburn is the highest scorer in NCAA football history amongst players who had at least one touchdown, one field goal and one kicked point after try. Carlson – a kicker who had one touchdown – scored 480 points for Auburn from 2014-17, good for 6th on the all-time list. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Which was the last American city to host the Pan American Games? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/October 24, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience.

Editor’s Note: today’s Leading Off item first ran one year ago today, October 24, 2019. It is still relevant. 

MOUSEKETEERS, ROLL CALL: Bolivia. Hong Kong. Spain. Lebanon. Chile. There are other places, too, where the protests are, and have been, on. Our fellow world citizens are protesting everything from transit fare increases to fuel shortages to extradition bills. The entire world isn’t on fire, but it might seem that way to some

Dry, Technical Matter: They are protesting everywhere except, seemingly, in America. Here we’re taking it. We’re taking mass shootings. We’re taking a president whose only talent is drawing attention to himself, who has no regard for anyone but himself, who thinks the moon is part of Mars and that the Continental Army won the Revolution by securing British airports. We’re taking a government that is a partisan, fractured and bickering mess incapable of doing anything of substance. 

@USA: America, by and large, is not in any particular mood to rock the boat. Too bad, because the boat needs to be rocked. 

Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: Our country has been at war every day for the past 30 years and we are $22 trillion in debt, a figure that grew by $1 million in the few seconds it took to write this sentence. 

Running The Numbers: Despite an economy that is believed to be doing well, 10% of Americans get food stamps (actually, it’s an EBT card, now) and more than one-third of us, 35.5%, received some sort of government assistance in 2017, an astonishingly high figure that is not a sign of a flourishing economy.
Source: US Census Bureau

Some Philosophy Crap: Friends, we get the government we deserve. We have a half-cocked, half-witted president because we elected one. We have a government incapable of governing because we elected one. We have a violent government producing a violent country and a violent world because we’ve been electing one for years. 

Gaylon For US Senate: Vote Early, Vote Often: We deserve better than this. We deserve a flourishing country and we deserve a country that both Americans and the world respect again. But nothing good is going to happen in this country until we start protesting, too. Not in the streets because police departments armed like the Fifth Marines will mow us over, but at the ballot box on Election Day. 

More Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: We will always get the government we deserve. We deserve better than what the status quo is giving us and they are not going to change anything because if they were they would have done so by now. It’s up to us to dismiss the status quo.

#TeamAmerica: It starts with you and it starts with me and it starts on Election Day 2020. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow takes measures to get the winter washer fluid in the new ride. 

In auto maintenance news, I drained the washer fluid reservoir this morning…It is getting cold and the current fluid is not designed for anything below freezing, which is impractical now, of course…It merely freezes instead of working in tandem with the windshield wipers to get ice off the windshield…The only way to drain the washer fluid is to use it and it was pretty low and only took a couple of minutes to drain and I was able to put the minus-32 F fluid in. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Prime rib makes an appearance in the employee dining room.

Prime rib was on the general menu for the night and Daryl cut me off a special hunk just for old time’s sake and it was the best prime rib yet, about the size of a craps table and so rare all Daryl did was wipe its ass before throwing it on the grill, which is just the way I like it. 

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip.

Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. 

Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get 4Ever and Ever access to everything Gaylon: books, columns, tax returns, the whole nine yards, for only $29.99, a steal.

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 1946 – A captured German V-2 rocket takes the first pictures of Earth from outer space. Launched from New Mexico, the rocket reached its 65-mile maximum height in about three minutes before falling back to Earth, crashing in the Utah desert. The camera sent up was a 35-millimeter motion picture camera encased in a steel cassette that began filming shortly after liftoff and while the camera was destroyed, the film survived. The previous high point of pictures from Earth was 13.7 miles, taken by a balloon in 1935. 

In 1998 – Ricky Williams of the Texas Longhorns establishes a new NCAA record for most points in a career in a 30-20 win over Baylor. Williams had two touchdowns, giving him 428 points, breaking the record of 423 points established by kicker Roman Anderson of Houston from 1988-91. Williams would finish his career with 450 points, a record broken in 1999 by Travis Prentice (468 points) and the mark is now held by Keenan Reynolds of Navy, who had 522 points from 2012-15. 

In 1942 – Take It and Git by Andy Kirk and His Twelve Clouds of Joy are at #1 on Billboard’s Harlem Hit Parade, the first #1 song on Billboard’s first soul chart. The song fell off the ten-position chart the following week and Kirk’s only other Billboard chart appearance came on May 11, 1946, when I Know made its only appearance on the Most Played in Jukeboxes chart, at #14. The Harlem Hit Parade then tracked records that were popular in Harlem jukeboxes, a best sellers chart debuted in 1948 and an airplay chart debuted in 1955, with Billboard publishing its first unified soul chart until 1958. 

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

You will have seen that this life is…something produced by the self.
Gore Vidal
Creation

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Lefty Gomez of the New York Yankees holds the World Series record for most wins without a loss, going 6-0 in seven starts. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Who is the highest scorer in NCAA football history amongst players who had at least one touchdown, one field goal and one kicked point after try? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/October 23, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience.

Leading Off will return.

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow comes back strong after a middling workout with a good walk.  

The walk, tho, was a triumph…It was freezing when I set out and nice and clear, too, a gorgeous fall morning, the kind that makes you glad you moved here, the kind you think about when you have to plow the driveway three times in order get all the snow cleared…It’s sort of like when cats are kittens and they’re so adorable, which is how they get you to cater to their every whim for the next ten years while they secretly plot your death. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Radtke is starting to follow the stalking, er, dating lessons Gaylon’s given him. 

Radtke’s latest woman is Natalie from the front desk. A very young, anorexically thin blonde but Radtke likes them really thin, probably because he himself weighs a buck ten. He reported he talked with her at the front desk while I was on my weekend.

Radtke is learning his stalking lessons well; he said he already knows what her days off are and that he’ll be at the employee entrance during the 0400, which is when she leaves. 

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip.

Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. 

Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get 4Ever and Ever access to everything Gaylon: books, columns, tax returns, the whole nine yards, for only $29.99, a steal.

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 4004 BC – This is the date of creation according to a chronology published by Irish archbishop James Usher in 1650. Ussher used a variety of sources to come up with this date, including the Bible and other religious and secular histories, plus ancient calendars and other astronomical sources and his chronology is, more or less, in line with dates offered by others who attempted to fix the date of creation, including one by Issac Newton. According to Ussher, time had actually begun at 6 pm the night before with “…the entrance of night”. Influential at the time, Ussher’s chronology began to fall into disrepute in the 19th century. 

In 1`910 – Jack Coombs of the Philadelphia Athletics becomes the second pitcher to win three games in a five-game World Series in a 7-2, title-clinching win over the Chicago Cubs in Game 5. Coombs had also pitched complete-game wins in Games 2 and 3 and his 5-0 World Series record is the second most wins without a loss in World Series history. Though eleven other pitchers have won three games in a series of six or more games, Coombs and Christy Mathewson (New York Giants, 1905) remain the only pitchers to do so in a five-game series. 

In 1965 – The Toys are at #1 on the Cashbox Top 100 – one of several sources that have chronicled American charted music over the years – for their only week with A Lover’s Concerto. It was the first of two chart singles for the Toys and remains their biggest hit. The song also went to #1 in Canada, peaked at #5 in Great Britain and later peaked at #2 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and at #4 on their soul chart. The melody was based on the 18th-century keyboard piece Minuet in G major.

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

This species could have been so great, and now everybody just wants a new Salad Shooter or sneakers with lights in them. This is what we’ve settled for.
George Carlin

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The two treaties that turned control of the Panama Canal over to Panama was called the Torrijos-Carter Treaties. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

Which player holds the World Series record for most wins without a loss? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/October 22, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around our human experience.

GAYLON FOR US SENATE: VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN…OR NOT: One of the things we’ve enjoyed while running for the US Senate and House over the years is telling voters exactly what was on our mind. If you like it, great, if you don’t, that’s great, too, thank you for taking the time to listen to me. 

Dry, Technical Matter: One of the things we said regularly was that our country is collapsing and that we probably had, more or less, until this half-century was out before America imploded. Some, most, agreed with us, some didn’t and few on either side liked hearing that message. 

This is understandable. People want to feel good about themselves and the things they support, and Americans still strongly support America. 

Attention Kmart Shoppers: Feeling good about things is, we’ve always thought, why Kmart failed and why Walmart revolutionized shopping. Growing up, middle-class families like ours wouldn’t have been caught dead at Kmart because it had a stigma, frankly, that only those who were broke shopped there. In fact, I can only recall Dad taking us there once, because it was the only place in town that had whatever it was he was looking for. We fled as soon as possible. 

So you can see where a message of a collapsing America, an America halfway between the influence they once had and the oblivion that awaits us, would go over like a ton of bricks: people don’t really want to hear that about their country. 

Fly In The Ointment: It’s true, though. Anyone who believes we are on a collision course with peace and prosperity is deluding themself. 

The Bottom Line: But America needs some tough love right now. Our country is dying because there is no way America can sustain perpetual war, mindless spending and social divides that are making the 60s seem like a show of unity with impunity. We don’t really think Joe Biden will cure all our ills but he is not Donald Trump, the worst president of any of our lifetimes. He has some decency and some brains and is not a lying sexual predator and he knows the moon is not part of Mars. He’s earned our vote. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow has some boring drivel from the county.  

Moderately busy at the [Veterans Service Office] VSO today…Almost interesting was an email announcing the search for the new county manager is starting over…The old one retired last spring and they found some old, retired geezer to take charge until a new one is found and that won’t be for a while now…They had three candidates make the final cut but it turned out all of them were found wanting and told thank you but no thank you. 

Ol’ Sparrow can relate to that…Regular readers of this crap may – or they may not – recall I applied for a vacancy on the town council here a couple of years ago…I didn’t really want to be on the town council but I didn’t want to see the position go unapplied for…As it was, there were a couple of others who put it and we all appeared at a town council meeting and we were later told the council was going to continue their search, which suited me fine because municipal stuff bores the hell out of me. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Rich smacks Gaylon around after he blows Radtke’s cover with some chicks. 

Here is where 13 years of Lutheran schooling hinders you because it didn’t occur to me until later that Radtke had been a tad deceptive, and, in the finest guy tradition, had fed these girls a line from here to Reno and told them he had to go to work. I shared this with Rich and he slapped me and said if I’d really been on the ball I would’ve told the chicks yeah, Radtke’s here, but he’s on a top-secret mission in the hotel or something. I certainly would have come up with something better than ‘no he’s not here’ and blowing his cover.

Free Stuff
The same trick the drug dealers use.

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo
Clock in with the graveyard crew of the Monte Carlo Security Department on the glamorous Las Vegas Strip.

Click here for the first two months of the funniest Vegas memoir ever. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
Gaylon’s latest novel takes place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. 

Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments.

Click on the button to get 4Ever and Ever access to everything Gaylon: books, columns, tax returns, the whole nine yards, for only $29.99, a steal.

On This Date
The long march to today.

In 2006 – Voters in Panama overwhelmingly approve a measure to expand the Panama Canal. The plan called for the building of another lane for the bigger ships that could not transit the current canal. About 48% of eligible Panamanians voted in the election, approving the measure by a 78%-to-22% margin. Construction began the following year and the expanded locks opened in 2016. Panama had taken control of the canal from the United States on New Year’s Eve, 1999. 

In 2000 – Corey Dillon of the Cincinnati Bengals establishes a new NFL record for most rushing yards in a game in a 31-21 win over the Denver Broncos. Dillon rushed for 278 yards to break the record of 275 yards established by Walter Payton of the Chicago Bears in 1977. Dillon’s mark was broken in 2003 by Jamal Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens (295 yards, 2003) and the record is now held by Adrian Peterson, who rushed for 296 yards against the San Diego Chargers in 2007. 

In 1977 – Debby Boone is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second of ten consecutive weeks with You Light Up My Life, the first song ever to spend ten weeks at #1 on the Hot 100. The song was Billboard’s 51st biggest hit of 1977, the third biggest of 1978, the #1 song of the decade and ranked eleventh on Billboard’s 60th Anniversary Hot 100 in 2018. The song originally appeared on the soundtrack to the movie of the same name, sung by Kacey Cisyk, whose version would peak at #80 in December and a version by LeAnn Rimes peaked at #34 in 1997. The song remains Boone’s only Top 40 hit.

Some Philosophy Crap
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

As one thinketh in his heart, so is he.
King David

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The NHL record for most shots on goal by a team in a game is 73, done by the Boston Bruins in a 3-3 tie vs the Quebec Nordiques on March 21, 1991. 

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was the name of the treaty that turned control of the Panama Canal over to Panama? – Answer next time!

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