The Daily Dose/August 12, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience. 

Leading Off has the day off. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Economist Sparrow has some thoughts on supply and demand. Today’s Diary.   

Heck, I can recall adjusting rates every few minutes over the years…You walk in at 3pm and the morning person says you’re asking $79 and you’re moving rooms like hotcakes at $79 so you bump it up to $99 and they’re still snapping them up and so you up the rate to $109 but folks aren’t liking that as much so you reel it in to a rate that will move some rooms. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Gaylon is afraid of bats. 

I didn’t like this goddamned call from the start. I had just wrapped up a noise complaint and had gone to another room where X-Ray, Bi-Bob and Wally were helping evict a guy who had smacked down his girlfriend. When I got there Wally asked if I would go get the med bag and I said sure. I am heading down the 100 wing towards the bell elevators when Junior gets on the horn.

– Control, Henry 2.
– Henry 2, sir.
– Henry 2, head to 28-222. A report of bats in the room.
– 10-4.

When I get to the bellman’s elevators I go to channel 2. 

– Junior, what the hell am I supposed to do up there?
– I don’t know. Don’t eat them, though. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo is the funniest Vegas memoir ever. Click here for the first two months of complimentary entries. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables/Chapter 15 – The Trial: Our hero goes on trial for his life. 

There was credible evidence that somebody shot and killed the ambassador, of course – like his head wound, for instance – but there was some zero evidence tying me to it. Exasperating, too, because I was the only one there who knew I hadn’t shot the ambassador. There were others who knew I didn’t do it, of course. The actual shooter knew, and his handlers and assigners, if any, which was actually likely because events like this are difficult to pull off by oneself. But they weren’t here to help in me defense because had they been Abigail would have put them to good use. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables is funny and thoughtful, taking place everywhere from throne rooms to death row. Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments. 

You’re probably thinking reading all three of these features will cost you an arm and a leg. Wrong-0. $4.99 gets you access to all three of these American classics. Click on the button to get started. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today.

In 1865 – British surgeon Joseph Lister performs History’s first antiseptic surgery in Glasgow, Scotland. Lister used a 5% solution of carbolic acid (also known as phenol) on both the instruments and the wound of a boy who had a broken leg and a few days later the boy did not suffer from infection. Lister had first considered carbolic acid for sterilization purposes after reading it was used to ease the stench from fields irrigated with sewage waste. Before Lister, surgeons of the era bragged about the stains on their unwashed surgical gowns. 

In 1948 – The Cleveland Indians establish a new major league record for the most players recording hits in a game in a 26-3 win over the St Louis Browns in the second game of a doubleheader. The Indians had 14 batters get 29 hits, including four each by pitcher Gene Bearden and right/left fielder Hal Peck. The mark is still the American League record for a 9-inning game and the major league record is 15, done twice, by the Atlanta Braves in 1999 and by the St Louis Cardinals in an 11-inning game in 1979. 

In 1989 – Richard Marx is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 for the first of three consecutive weeks with Right Here Waiting. It was the third consecutive #1 song for Marx (Satisfied, one week, 1989; Hold On to the Nights, one week, 1988) and his sixth of seven consecutive top 10 hits. The song went to #1 in four other countries including Ireland and New Zealand, peaked at #2 in Great Britain and was Billboard’s 11th biggest song of the year. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

The inner warmth of a pleasure can’t be externally damaged. – Dick Francis, In The Frame

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

Rick Nelson’s last Top 10 hit was Garden Party, which peaked at #6 in 1972.

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What teams hold the major league record for most hits in a game by both clubs? – Answer next time!

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The Daily Dose/August 11, 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

Leading Off
Notes from around the human experience. 

INCOMING!: The news hit Bottom Ten headquarters like a bomb: 

The Mid-American Conference (MAC) will not be playing football this year!

Hut, Hut Hike: Now, we know the coming college football season was/is hanging by a thread and this was hardly a bulletin but boy, even the most casual Bottom Ten reader knows the MAC is always good for at least an entry or two and sometimes makes up no less than one-third of any given Bottom Ten survey, so good luck crowning a legitimate Bottom Ten champion without MAC participation. 

Dry, Technical Matter: We go way back with The Bottom Ten, having read the original by Steve Harvey growing up in LA and we’ve been humbly offering our own, in assorted places, for most of this century. And while we avoid using classic Steve-isms like Error Force and Texas at El Intercepted Paso, we’ve never denied the original Bottom Ten’s influence. 

#HellOrHighWater: The Bottom Ten pollsters will find something for you this year, though, don’t worry about that. A lot of writing is inspiration, so perhaps the inspiration for something or other will strike, or perhaps it won’t. Inspiration is funny that way. Either way, the Bottom Ten pollsters are already at work scouring past years for the funniest columns from each week, if needed. 

The Bottom Line: We’ve long said there are two parts to the year: the part where we are writing The Bottom Ten and the time we are not and that only the first part is worth a damn. True enough, and if there isn’t a Bottom Ten this year, so be it, we’ll make the best of it. But to ask us to carry on without the MAC is not reasonable. Boo COVID-19. 

Today At The Site
Writing worth reading. Usually. 

The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow finds himself wasting milk at the Veterans Service Office (VSO). Today’s Diary.   

I am buying an awful lot of milk for the VSO, tho…I keep some cereal for the days I come directly from the hotel, which prevents yours truly, generally, from going to the fast-food place for a morning meal…The problem is ol’ Sparrow buys some milk and it expires before it gets used…Heck, today, there were two expired half-gallons of milk in the Building Department refrigerator, both of which I poured down the drain this morning…I suspected this might happen and had the foresight to buy a pint of milk at the retailer after the hotel to stave off starvation, but I am going to try to avoid wasting so much. 

Backstairs at the Monte Carlo: Lee and Gaylon act like children in the hotel. 

Lee’s pretty funny. We had wrapped up a couple of welfare checks right before I was about to head home and we’re walking down the 200 wing of some floor. 

“Whew, those were good,” Lee said, as if we had just wrapped up something difficult. “Great welfare checks.”

“They were, weren’t they?” I ask significantly, turning my head towards him for emphasis.

“Good times, partner.”

Then we get completely carried away and start high-fiving each other and Lee starts humming the intro to Eye of the Tiger.

Click here for the first two months of complimentary entries. 

Criminals, Courtesans and Constables/Chapter 14 – Abigail’s Briefing: Our hero’s lawyer, Abigail, checks in. 

After discovery, it was apparent the government hardly had Case of the Year, but prison graveyards are filled with the bodies of men who went to their deaths on less evidence. My job was to ensure there wasn’t one more. I had my work cut out for me, but that was hardly an uncharted waterway. It helped that I liked him. He was respectful and pleasant and, of course, his accent made everything he said sound like a Francis Bacon quote. He was easy to work hard for. 

Click here to read the first four chapters with our compliments. 

$4.99 gets you access to The Diary of a Nobody, Backstairs at the Monte Carlo and Criminals, Courtesans and Constables. Click on the button to get in on the laffs. 

On This Date
History’s long march to today.

In 1965 – The Watts riots begin in south-central Los Angeles, following the arrest of several Blacks which followed an altercation with police which followed a traffic stop. Following a night of general unrest, riots began the following day after a meeting between police and Black leaders proved inconclusive. Rioting lasted until the 16th with an estimated 30,000 people taking part. There were 34 deaths and damage was estimated at $40 million, about $324 million in today’s dollars. 

In 1907 – Ed Karger of the St Louis Cardinals pitches a seven-inning perfect game, a 4-0 victory over the Boston Doves in the second game of a doubleheader in St Louis. The game was scheduled for seven innings – as final games of doubleheaders frequently were back then – so Karger did not have the opportunity to pitch nine innings. It remains the only major league no-hitter umpired solely by players. Plate umpire Bob Emslie had called it a day after working the opening game by himself and home plate was worked by the Cardinals’ Fred Beebe and the bases were worked by Boston’s Irv Young.

In 1958 – Ricky Nelson is at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100, only the second Hot 100 chart ever, for the second and final consecutive week with Poor Little Fool. It was the first of two #1 songs for Nelson (Travelin’ Man, two weeks, 1961) and his fifth of 18 Top 10 hits on either the Best Sellers in Stores chart or the Hot 100. The song was also at #1 on Billboard’s Best Sellers in Stores chart, which continued publishing until October and the song also peaked at #3 on Billboard’s country chart and went to #4 in Great Britain. 

Quotebook
The wisdom of the ages. Whatever. 

Perhaps we shall offer a true reflection of the world about us. But you cannot blame a mirror for what it shows. – Gore Vidal, Empire

Answer To The Last Trivia Question
It’s not who you know, but what you know. 

The highest temperature ever recorded in Europe was 118.4° F in Athens on July 10, 1977.  

Today’s Stumper
Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar. 

What was Rick Nelson’s last Top 10 hit on the Hot 100? – Answer next time!

Share Gaylon! Go!