One I had just laid down on the bunk in me cell when I heard something make noise under the pillow. I was curious, as you might well have been, too, because who the hell expects to hear something under their pillow in the bloody nick? I sat up, lifted the pillow, and saw the folded paper. I opened it and there was a hand-drawn picture of the Firm’s logo: a fist holding a hammer. A pretty good drawing, too. Maybe not a museum piece, but not too bad, on the whole. I could hardly frame it, or get caught with it because that would raise more questions than I cared to answer, so I tore it up and flushed it down the loo.
Plainly, someone from the Firm favored me with a drawing of their, our, logo to let me know there was at least one other member of the Firm here in the nick with me. Probably a staffer, too, quite, because other cons didn’t have access to me cell when I was gone and none of them mouth breathers struck me as someone capable of drawing anything more complicated than a stickman besides.
Friends, welcome to the homepage for my hilarious, thoughtful novel Criminals, Courtesans and Constables.
I know you’ll enjoy meeting the unnamed protagonist, the lovely and funny courtesans Rachel, Monica and Lindsay as well as the constabulary that gets their collective shorts in a knot over their actions. They’ll take you everywhere from Europe to the US, from safehouses to throne rooms, from 5-star hotels to death row.
The first three chapters are free. After that, click on the button to get access to not only Criminals, Courtesans and Constables, but Backstairs at the Monte Carlo, The Regular Guys and The Diary of a Nobody as well. 4Ever & Ever access is only $8.99 and by-the-month it’s only $2.99. Click here to become part of the family.
Criminals, Courtesans and Constables
A Novel
By
Gaylon Kent
Criminals, Courtesans and Constables is a novel.
All elements are either products of my imagination or are used fictitiously. Anything else is a coincidence.
The Daily Dose/July 28, 2020 By Gaylon Kent America’s Funniest Guy
Leading Off Notes from our human experience.
PLAY BALL…OR NOT: It was bound to happen, of course, a major league baseball team is ravaged with positive coronavirus tests. It happened to the Miami Marlins this past weekend and their two-game series at home against Baltimore was postponed. The Marlins had played in Philadelphia over the weekend, and the Phillies’ Monday game against the New York Yankees was postponed, too, and it is not reasonable to believe these will be the only postponements.
Fly In The Ointment: This isn’t a death knell to the season, of course, because all teams have a pool of players to fill in, but these players aren’t playing baseball right now. The minor league season was canceled, so taxi-squad players are merely taking batting practice and fielding grounders and while they might be in decent shape, their timing will not be there and they are not prepared to play major league baseball.
Dry, Technical Matter: Which brings up the integrity of the record book. Namely, what if major league records are established off of players that really don’t belong in the big leagues? What if someone hits five home runs or doubles in a game or pitcher strikes out 23 batters against players who otherwise would never have been in the big leagues?
This will cut to the very foundation of the game: since the first big league game was played in 1876 major league baseball has always been played by the best players. If the season continues like this there will come a time this year when it is not. Baseball will merely be another TV product be peddled so people can sell us cars and beer and pizza.
The Bottom Line: There are two ways to handle this. One is to stop getting worked up about COVID-19. The worldwide death rate is 0.000831% and the death rate amongst closed cases is 6%. The totals in the US are a bit higher – 0.000455% and 7% – but if we all wore our masks these totals would be lower and perhaps even manageable enough to allow fans into stadiums and arenas again.
The other way to handle it is to not play. Leagues are tripping over themselves to proclaim safety is their first priority but don’t kid yourself: if it was, they wouldn’t be playing.
Today At The Site Writing worth reading. Usually.
The Diary of a Nobody: Sparrow announces his victory in the Stapler Placement War. Today’s Diary.
Usually, when I come in the stapler is immediately next to the key machine, a lousy place for it because one, a stapler isn’t used all that often and you generally don’t need immediate access to it and, two, it gets in the way of making keys, and I always move it, usually next to the stand the left computer monitor rests on.
The past couple of nights, tho, I’ve noticed the evil Mr Stapler hasn’t been next to the key machine…Honestly, ol’ Sparrow didn’t really think too much about it because I have so few stapler needs its relative position is seldom thought about…This morning, however, Tammy held the formal surrender ceremony, heralding the victory after having concluded the Sparrow Placement is in humanity’s best interest.
He got pretty worked up, too, and eventually I had to lay the hammer down and tell him not to get cross with me. Eventually, he gave an accurate description of where he left it so I dispatched Bi-Bob to look for it but it wasn’t there anymore, hardly the Upset of the Year. I took the guy’s number and told him we would look for it.
A few minutes later Russ is preparing to relieve me and the guy shows up at the podium. He’s a short Canadian with long hair and he wants to know right now exactly what MCSD is doing to find his wallet. He is even demanding to review video coverage of the incident so he can get to the bottom of this whole mess.
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On This Date History’s long march to today.
In 1945 – A US Army B-25 bomber crashes into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building, killing three crewmen and eleven people in the building and injuring 26 others. The plane crashed into the offices of the National Catholic Welfare Council and created an 18×20-foot hole in the building with damage estimated at $1 million, about $14 million in today’s money. The plane had been on a routine transport mission and had disregarded warnings about severely limited visibility due to fog.
In 1993 – Ken Griffey, Jr of the Seattle Mariners ties the major league record for most consecutive games with a home run in a 10-8 victory over the Minnesota Twins. Griffey homered in his eighth consecutive game, tying the mark established by Dale Long of the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1956 and tied by Don Mattingly of the New York Yankees in 1987. Griffey’s record-tying home run was a grand slam in the third inning off of Kevin Tapani. Griffey’s streak was broken the following game and the records still stand.
In 1973 – Donna Fargo is at #1 on Billboard’s country chart – then known as Hot Country Singles chart – for the only week with You Were Always There. It was the fourth chart single for Fargo, all of which went to #1 and her fourth of six #1 songs and fourth of 14 Top 10 hits. The song spent 14 weeks on the country chart, including six weeks in the Top 10. The song also peaked at #93 on Billboard’s Hot 100.
Quotebook The wisdom of the ages. Whatever.
His images are unforgettable because he was conceiving new forms and discovering new meanings, not just dutifully illustrating a predetermined text. He works by instinct…his independence of mind opening up new possibilities. – Miles Unger, Michelangelo: A Life in Six Masterpieces
Answer To The Last Trivia Question It’s not who you know, but what you know.
The first instrumental #1 song on the Hot 100 was The Happy Organ by Dave “Baby” Cortez, which was #1 for one week in 1959.
Today’s Stumper Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar.
How many top 40 hits did Donna Fargo have on Billboard’s Hot 100? – Answer next time!
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The Daily Dose/July 27, 2020 By Gaylon Kent America’s Funniest Guy
Leading Off Notes from our human experience.
EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT: In July we started making our memoir Backstairs at the Monte Carlo available as a daily entry. This was easy to do because it’s written as a diary, convenient to post on a daily basis. The whole book is still available in our famous flipbook format, but we were surprised to see the popularity of the daily entries so we’ve decided to make my latest novel, Criminals, Courtesans and Constables, available this way, too. A new chapter, or portion of a chapter, will be posted each day, starting later this week.
Yeah, Yeah, Whatever: It’s the usual funny, thoughtful crap you’ve come to enjoy from yours truly, a story about important things like love and champagne and unimportant things like sex and money. The story starts in prison and ends on death row and in between takes place everywhere from Europe to America, from palaces to throne rooms to safe houses and 5-star hotel suites. The main character is a friendly bloke who’s unnamed, a technique we first came across in Geoffrey Household’s excellent novel Rogue Male. You’ll meet courtesans Rachel, Monica and Lindsay, plus assorted constables and other criminals, too.
Dry, Technical Matter: As with Backstairs at the Monte Carlo, the first few entries will be on the house. This is to get you hooked and in the mood to get your wallets out, the same trick the drug dealers use.
The Bottom Line: So dive in and get hooked. There will be a new entry every day, navigation’s a snap and it’s easy reading on any device, even your phone. So get to know the unnamed protagonist, Rachel, Monica, Lindsay and the constable crew. The fun starts Wednesday.
Editor’s Note: If you’ve already purchased the ebook, your access is automatic. If you haven’t, of course we’ll have a special for you.
The hotel continues to be a kennel…It’s unreal…We weren’t even close to being sold out tonight and there were two dozen or doggie rooms and it’s been that way for a good two weeks…I don’t know why people are traveling with their dogs…You’d think they’d be sick of them having walked them five times a day for the past four months, but no, they’re all over the place…Fortunately, none of them have been barking when I’ve been passing out folios.
I’ve said it before: X-Ray is going places in the hotel racket and this promotion is just the latest step, done, no doubt, in deference to the fact he works the hotel 3-4 nights a week. Jose, a fine hotel officer in his own right, is primarily an outside unit now who works the hotel one night a week just for funsies. He took the switch in his customary good stride, noting that Henry 4 has regular access to the executive washroom.
OK, we lied. The $2.99 special does not end today, it will end Wednesday. Sue us. Click on the button to take advantage of this special now.
On This Date History’s long march to today.
In 1858 – The first transatlantic telegraph cable is completed, connecting Ireland with New Brunswick, Canada. The project had begun in four years earlier the first message, from Queen Victoria to US President James Buchanan in August. The cable only provided three weeks of service, though, as signal quality declined rapidly and an attempted repair sent too much voltage through the system and it ceased working in September. A new cable was laid in 1866.
In 1996 – Donovan Bailey of Canada establishes a new 100-meter world record of 9.84 seconds at the Atlanta Summer Olympics. Bailey took the gold medal over Frank Fredricks (Namibia, 9.89 seconds) and Ato Boldon (Trinidad and Tobago, 9.90 seconds) and broke the world record of 9.85 seconds established by Leroy Burrell (US) in 1996 and the Olympic record of 9.92 seconds Carl Lewis of the US established at the 1988 Summer Games in Seoul. Both records are now held by Usain Bolt of Jamaica (WR: 9.58s, 2009; OR: 9.69s, 2008).
In `1968 – Hugh Masekela is at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second and final week with the instrumental Grazing in the Grass. It was the fourth and final chart single for Masekela and remains his only Top 40 hit. Grazing in the Grass was also in its third of four consecutive weeks at #1 on Billboard’s soul chart and the song returned to the Hot 100 in 1969, when the Friends of Distinction took it to #3. Masekela was originally from South Africa before moving to London and later New York City and he died in 2018.
Quotebook The wisdom of the ages. Whatever.
Does anyone know what is and what isn’t likely to be of use to him in life? – Hitler
Answer To The Last Trivia Question It’s not who you know, but what you know.
Jenny Thompson has won eight Olympic swimming gold medals, the most of any Amerian woman.
Today’s Stumper Cheaper than Trivia Night at the bar.
What was the first #1 instrumental song on Billboard’s Hot 100? – Answer next time!
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Meet Sparrow, an average man passing an average life…
Sunday, July 26 Assistant Front Desk Manager Devani had a juicy tidbit for me when I reported for duty: something the hotel did or did not do has affected the unemployment they were supposed to receive during lockdown when they all lost hours…She said it has affected both her and Tammy and Tammy is really peeved about it and has threatened to give notice.
January 5 The big news is that the supervisors will be rotating next week. We will be losing 88TonyB and 77Rick and 88Dick and 77Dwayne will now be subjected to the daily miracle that is the MCSD graveyard shift.
Apparently, this is the first wholesale supervisorial shift change in a while. Both Tony and Rick are glad for the change. Both have been on graveyard for years and officially Rick “despises” it, though Tony has only called it “brutal”.
