The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 7
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

This will surprise you, but chaos reigns in the Bottom Ten this week.

With last week’s number one Rice taking the week off and unranked this week, Miami of Ohio fan(s) are up in arms over their unvictoried Redhawks being denied the top spot despite posting a tough conference loss to Kent State.

In the top spot? Conference USA! With numbers even the Sun Belt Conference is envying, Conference USA’s 5-29 major division non-conference record is good enough to top this week’s survey.

This week’s mess:

1. Conference USA
   Mitigating Factors: Forget the prestigious B-10 Conference of the Week award, C-USA becomes first conference ever to hold down B-10 top spot…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” C-USA first alleged conference “probably since the Sun Belt Conference” to have three (3) teams who have lost five (5) straight games…Conference keeps chin up this past week with rare non-conference win, strong .500 mark in conference play.
   Commitment To Excellence: With no less than seven (7) C-USA teams past B-10 stalwarts, most conference games now official meetings of the B-10 Alumni Association.
   Next Loss: Automatic berth in NCAA Division I Playoffs…Whoops!!!…There isn’t an NCAA Division I playoff, so C-USA scheduled to lose affiliation with Velveeta Shells and Cheese Classic and Kroger Bowl Presented by Safeway.

2. Miami, Ohio (0-6; lost to Kent State 44-20)
Mitigating Factors: Redhawks take advantage of Rice bye week to become nation’s first 0-6 team…Decisive loss to lousy Kent State team sets great tone for team that’s won five (5) games since iconic 2013 squad ran table to earn only B-10 title…Redhawks haven’t beaten much of anybody lately but haven’t beaten a major division school that finished season with winning record since 2012.
Numbers Racket: Versatile Miami shows mastery of all aspects of game, ranking 120^th or worse in such diverse NCAA categories as Rushing Offense, Scoring Offense, Punt Returns and Penalties Per Game.
Next Loss:Ball State  

3. Kansas (1-4; lost to TCU 24-13)
Mitigating Factors: Defending B-10 champions still wondering what the hell is up with defense who which was pretty strong all day, intercepting three (3) TCU passes…Thank God for the offense and special teams, who throw three (3) interceptions of their own while ending game by missing three (3) field goals…With hot, new four (4) game skid following Week 1 win over lower level team, Jayhawks still on track to earn another Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
The Path That We Have Chosen Has Led Us To A Loss: While coaching staff content with Jayhawks ability to lose close ones, team really hoping for blowout road loss to national power this week in order to reestablish B-10 street cred.
Next Loss:at Baylor

4. Florida Atlantic (1-5; lost to Charlotte 28-23)
Mitigating Factors: With pretty much every Conference USA game a B-10 showdown, Owls pull out loss despite leading as late as the second quarter…Community has yet to fully embrace Owl’s B-10 run, as only 7,401 show up for game…Total attendance for season is 36,134, about what SEC teams get for long snapper tryouts.
It’s All About The Hardware: Owls another team that can claim a share of the Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by running table the rest of the way.
Next Loss:at Old Dominion

5. UTEP (1-5; lost to Florida International 35-21)
Mitigating Factors: Miners clear first hurdle in minefield that is 2016 Conference USA schedule, with key loss to FIU squad that had been 1-4…Miners excelling in all phases, ranking 100^th or worse in no less than 13 official NCAA stat categories, including Next-To-Next-To Dead Last in Scoring Offense and 112^th in Scoring Defense….Head coach starting to feel heat to deliver B-10 title, telling media “I know the ramifications if we don’t”…
Scoreboard, Baby: Current five (5)-game skid tied for second best in country and UTEP’s longest losing streak since 2013 squad lost six (6) straight.
Next Loss:at Texas – San Antonio

6. San Jose State (1-5; lost to Hawaii 34-17)
Mitigating Factors: Stalwart offense shows way in this one, refusing to score in second half, as only SJSU points come when fumble is returned for touchdown…Though offense insured game already over by fourth quarter, defense primes for future close games by allowing touchdown, field goal in final quarter.
FunFact: After violating official NCAA policy in 2015 by qualifying for bowl game with only (6) wins, Spartans really trying NCAA patience by trying to become first ever one-win bowl team this year.
Next Loss:Nevada-Reno

7. Earlham (0-5; lost to Franklin 40-7)
Mitigating Factors: Quakers in no rush to relinquish Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 28^th straight loss…Despite rushing game exploding for 77-yards, Earlham still ranks Dead Last in Rushing Offense (17.8 ypg)…Offense sentenced to extra wind sprints this week for losing shutout after producing touchdown with 15 seconds remaining in game.
We Don’t Even Have Interns For This: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Earlham only team in solar system that ranks 200^th or worse in twelve (12) official NCAA Division III stat categories.
Next Loss: Mt St Joseph

8. Oregon (2-4; lost to Washington 70-21)
Mitigating Factors: Ducks fan(s) in celebrating as beloved team makes first B-10 appearance ever with first four (4)-game losing streak since 2006…   While Ducks still have to play Oregon State, B-10 pollsters are getting Spotted Owl Trophy – symbolic of B-10 Pacific Northwest supremacy – shined up and prepped for shipment to Eugene…High flying offense quacking on all cylinders, giving up interception on very first play and cruising from there.
FunFact: Internal bickering, finger-pointing and lousy practices key during big bye week for Ducks, who hate to lose momentum in drive for first ever B-10 medal stand appearance.
Next Loss:at Cal (Oct. 21)

9. College Football Playoff
Mitigating Factors: While there is still a lot of time left before the CFP selection committee saves us all from having to fret over a real major division playoff, all members must be sh*tting bricks over prospects of the Washington State/Navy national title game looming on horizon.
FunFact: A 32- team NCAA Division I Football playoff could begin as late as December 3 and still finish on New Year’s weekend

10. Notre Dame (2-4; lost to North Carolina State 10-7)
Mitigating Factors: Never say die Irish back in hunt for first B-10 medal stand berth since 2007 following key, uninspired road loss…Offense on fire, punting or turning the ball over the entire first half while punt team allows a blocked field goal to be returned for game’s only touchdown.
FunFact: Irish 2-4 for first time since 1997.
Next Loss:Stanford

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: UTEP at Texas-San Antonio
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:Ball State at Miami, Ohio
Pac-12 After Dark: Oregon at Stanford

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 6
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

Yes, Bottom Ten pollsters are aware the race for most coveted trophy in sports – The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – is a long one.

But you can forgive them for feeling giddy. Between the still winless Browns and the hard-charging Chargers, the race for the 2016 Bottom Ten medal stand threatens to become the tightest in memory.

This week’s mess, as the nags are in the clubhouse turn:

1. Cleveland Browns (0-4; lost to Washington 31-20) – Showing the mettle that leads directly to B-10 glory, Browns overcome two (2) deficits before blowing lead in fourth quarter…Browns perfect at the quarter pole, and while it might be too early to be talking perfection they’re the Browns, so it might not be, either……Next Loss: New England

2. Detroit Lions (1-3; lost to Chicago 17-14) – Offense in top form, producing two (2) field goals as only touchdown comes on late interception return…Special teams claiming moral victory, citing better net punting average, 45.6 yards to 14.0 yards……Next Loss: at Philadelphia

3. San Diego Chargers (1-3; lost to New Orleans 35-34) – Chargers trumpet ascension onto B-10 medal stand with the type of morale-depleting come-from-ahead home loss that leads straight to, well, the B-10 medal stand…Offense chips in with two (2) fumbles and an interception on final three drives while defense allows two touchdowns in final five (5) minutes …Next Loss: at Oakland

4. Tennessee Titans (1-3; lost to Houston 27-20) – Proving that special teams are one-third of B-10 success, Titans fall behind for good on third quarter punt returned for touchdown…Would’ve also had a blocked punt returned for touchdown had the goddamned refs not mistakenly blown the play dead…Next Loss: at Miami

5. New York Jets (1-3; lost to Seattle 27-17) – Three second half interceptions lead to ten (10) Seattle points, as Jets show they’re in B-10 race for long haul…Jets so bad fan(s) insist team play four (4) of next five (5) game on road in order to recover from this one …Next Loss: at Pittsburgh

6. NFL – Usual Pete Rozelle Award – issued NFLS’s worst division –enjoying a bye week as B-10 pollsters pay homage to league intent on proving old adage that on any given Sunday most teams can go out and suck eggs, as 43 percent of league has zero (0) or one win…Next Loss: test

7. San Francisco 49ers (1-3; lost to Dallas 24-17) – 49ers have lost three straight as QB Colin Kaepernick vows not to stand for national anthem until 49ers claim spot on B-10 medal stand…Next Loss: Arizona (Oct. 4)

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3; lost to Denver 27-7) – Mother nature not even cooperating as lightning storm only delays inevitable, instead of striking Broncos sideline as requested in work order…Big divisional test against reeling Carolina squad will show if Bucs are B-10 contenders or pretenders…Next Loss: at Carolina

9. Carolina Panthers (1-3; lost to Atlanta 48-33) – Game not as close as score indicated, as Panthers break out to 14-0 and 34-10 deficits before Falcons put in some free agents trying out for scout team…Big divisional test against reeling Tampa Bay squad will show if Panthers are B-10 contenders or pretenders…Next Loss: Tampa Bay

10. Chicago Cubs (103-58) – Inevitable march to first World Series title in 108 years begins Friday against whatever hapless misfit makes it out of NL wild-card game…B-10 pollsters so confident of Cubs win they bet entire bar tab on them…Next Loss: 2017

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Tampa Bay at Carolina
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Tennessee at Miami
Let’s Screw FOX II: Detroit at Philadelphia

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