The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 6
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

Four winless teams. 739 one-win teams.

Past claims about a specific year yielding the deepest Bottom Ten field ever are no longer accurate. The 2016 race for the ESPN Cup is, officially, the deepest ever.

It’s paced by Conference USA who, like Sherman when he marched to the sea, is threatening to take no prisoners it its quest for Bottom Ten Conference of the Year honors.

The field is so deep there isn’t even room for Navy which fired the opening salvo in the race for the Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – with a loss to Air Force Saturday.

This week’s mess:

1. Rice (0-5; lost to Southern Mississippi 44-28)
   Mitigating Factors: Big-play defense shows it’s up to rigors of C-USA play giving up passing touchdowns of 75, 81, 93 yards…Offense does its part, turning three Southern Mississippi turnovers into two (2) punts and only one (1) touchdown…702 yards allowed good enough to move Owls into Dead Last in Total Defense (568.4 ypg)…Owls 0-5 for sixth (6) time ever and chasing ghosts of iconic 1988, 1982 squads who ran table at 0-11.
   The Long And Winding Road: With future 2016 opponents having a combined win percentage of just .205, Owls have tough road to B-10 title…Of course, B-10 pollsters are quick to point out everyone in Conference USA future opponents with a .205 winning percentage.
   Next Loss:Texas-San Antonio (10/15)

2.Miami, Ohio (0-5; lost to Ohio 17-7)
Mitigating Factors: Race for 2016 B-10 title so tight Redhawks making first appearance of 2016…. Complete inability to run the ball key, as Redhawks drop 33-yards on Ohio and rank 122^nd in Rushing Offense (97.6 ypg)…Current five (5)-game skid tied for nation’s best…With MAC not nearly as strong as Conference USA in 2016, Miami could back into B-10 title simply by running the table and letting C-USA superstars beat up on each other.
Cradle Of Coaches:2013 Bottom Ten champions have lost 35 of last 40, dating back to 2012.
Next Loss: at Akron

3. The Confederacy (0-8; Georgia State: lost to Appalachian State 17-3; Arkansas State: DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Disturbingly strong defensive outing by Georgia State really highlights inept offense that throws four (4) interceptions…With 7-34 all-time mark, Georgia State out to prove 2015’s six (6)-win season was a fluke…Despite not playing Arkansas State does its part to solidify ranking with lousy week of practice…Teams have each lost five (5) straight, good for tie for Nation’s Longest Losing Streak (NLLS), with B-10 fan(s) in most places pointing toward November showdown.
Numbers Racket: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” combined ten (10) game skid “pretty much the best, like, ever” for a combined entry from the South.
Next Losses:Georgia State: Texas State; Arkansas State: Georgia Southern (Oct. 5)

4. Kansas (1-3; lost to Texas Tech 55-13)
Mitigating Factors: Steady as she goes for defending B-10 champions, losers of three (3) straight following Week 1 win over even more hapless lower level school…Jayhawks don’t even bother showing cursory early interest in this one, punting on every first half possession while turning in six (6) drives of less than five (5) yards for the game.
Carry On Wayward Losers: While even losing out doesn’t guarantee Jayhawks second consecutive B-10 title, it will get Jayhawks third-ever Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
Next Loss:TCU

5. Florida Atlantic (1-4; lost to Florida International 33-31)
Mitigating Factors: Owls, a B-10 staple during the Double Aughts, back in survey in what B-10 pollsters are “almost certain” is a really long time…Thrilling come-from-ahead loss shows latest crop of Owls fully intent on creating new B-10 legacy…After taking lead midway through third quarter, Owls offense finishes strong, turning the ball over on downs and punting the rest of the way.
It’s All About The Hardware: Owls have lost four straight following Week 1 win against lower level team, putting them in prime position to claim Tostitos Plaque – issued to team(s) with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – by losing out.
Next Loss:Charlotte

6. Duke (2-3; lost to Virginia 34-20)
Mitigating Factors: All momentum from historic Notre Dame win vanishes following lackluster home loss to Virginia team that had been 1-3…While there are no shortage of one (1) win teams demanding B-10 pollster’s attention, Bleu Devils ranked due to obscure B-10 bylaw – is there any other kind? – demanding any former B-10 Team of the Decade be ranked following crushing home loss which follows iconic road win against tradition-rich program in hallowed, college football shrine.
FunFact: Loss so morale depleting athletic website lead stories are preview of basketball media day, pic of player in some chick sport that involves hitting a ball with a stick outdoors.
Next Loss: Army

7. University of Texas at San Jose State (UTEP: lost to Louisiana Tech 28-7; San Jose State: lost to New Mexico 48-41)
Mitigating Factors: 2016 B-10 field so deep pollsters obliged to trot out yet another hilarious joint entry to keep survey at NAFTA-mandated ten (10) teams…Balanced UTEP attack ranks 114^th In Scoring Defense, 125^th in Scoring Offense, losing games by average score of 38.2-to-14.6…UTEP another team on a collision course with Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – if they lose out…San Jose State follows up breakthrough Iowa State loss with another “notice me” loss, this time to former B-10 perennial New Mexico…Spartans looking for first B-10 title since 2010.
Just Lose, Baby: Results-oriented Spartans manage to lose despite giving up 446 yards rushing to a Lobo team that chipped in six (6) three (3)-and out drives and eight (8) penalties.
Next Losses: UTEP: Florida International; San Jose State: Hawaii

8. Earlham (0-4; lost to Defiance 59-28)
Mitigating Factors: Division III Quakers come back strong following bye week, retaining Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – with 27^th straight loss…First Earlham lead in regulation since 2014 lasts all of 52 (52) seconds as defense allows quick touchdown following Quaker interception return for a touchdown…Passing game a bright spot, as Earlham QB’s combine for season-high 33 completions, 27 to members of their own team.
Get Out Your Record Books…Or Not: While the NCAA does not list a season record for Fewest Rushing Yards Per Game, B-10 pollsters “really, really positive” Quakers current mark of 4.0 ypg would be “right up there and stuff”.
Next Loss:at Franklin

9. Conference USA
Mitigating Factors: First coveted B-10 Conference of the Week award for C-USA…Sun Belt Conference can only stand back and admire as nine (9) of 13 C-USA teams are blow .500 while seven (7) of those have zero (0) or one (1) win…These “Power Seven (7)” teams have combined to lose 23-straight games…Conference USA so bad B-10 pollsters officially “skeptical” conference can rebound for strong .500 conference play mark.
We Get The Picture:4-29 non-conference mark against major division teams easily best amongst major division conferences.
Next Loss: Would lose automatic bid to NCAA Division I Football Playoffs if NCAA offered a Division I football playoff, which they don’t.

10. Florida International (1-4; defeated Florida Atlantic 33-21)
Mitigating Factors: Golden Panther fan(s) despondent over close, come-from-behind win derails hopes for first ever B-10 title…Win snaps nations-best six (6) game losing streak, making FIU just another one (1)-win team that can’t convert on third down…Loss brings back visions of nightmare of 2007 season that saw FIU blow B-10 title with win in final game, leaving fans to wonder if FIU will ever be bad enough to lose the close ones.
Strength Of Schedule: While FIU has benefit of playing strong Conference USA, they do not play Rice this year, making road to B-10 glory even tougher…Or easier…B-10 pollsters are still working the figures on the back of their bar tab.
Next Loss:at UTEP

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Florida International at UTEP
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either:Charlotte at Florida Atlantic
B-10 Legacy Game: Army at Duke

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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 5
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

Wow.

Long-time Bottom Ten fan(s) are accustomed to tight races for the Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – but it’s rare, even after three games, to have so many teams with a legitimate shot at the title.

Sure, the unvictoried teams – Cleveland, Chicago, Jacksonville and New Orleans – are getting most of the ink, but veteran Bottom Ten watchers know you bet against two-time defending Bottom Ten champion Tennessee or Detroit at your peril.

This week’s mess, as the nags approach the clubhouse turn:

1. Cleveland Browns (0-3; lost to Miami 30-24) – Uncertainty surrounding Browns isn’t how they missed three (3) field goals or lost in overtime – they do those things as a matter of course – but how they managed to tie the game late in the fourth quarter in the first place……Next Loss: at Washington

2. Chicago Bears (0-3; lost to Dallas 31-17) – Bears second consecutive 0-3 start…Though Bears still have to play Lions twice, Chicago in strong position for B-10 medal stand run if they can avoid two (2) game winning streaks that plagued them in 2015…Next Loss: Detroit

3. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3; lost to Baltimore 19-17) – Jaguars stiffen in fourth quarter as defense gives up field goal, offense chips in interception on last drive to secure the type of close, come-from-ahead loss that generally leads straight to B-10 glory…Next Loss: Indianapolis

4. Detroit Lions (1-2; lost to Green Bay 34-27) – Lions outscore Packers 14-3 over last 30:32…Of course, they were already down 31-3, showing Lions are fully recovered from Week 1 win and poised to challenge for another B-10 title…Next Loss: at Chicago

5. Tennessee Titans (1-2; lost to Oakland 17-10) – Not only are Titans bad, they’re dull, punting or turning ball over nine (9) times while showing mastery of fundamentals with eight (8) penalties…Two (2)-time defending B-10 champions need to peel off long losing streak to get back on B-10 medal stand…Next Loss: at Houston

6. New Orleans Saints (0-3; lost to Atlanta 45-32) – Saints show versatility, following up close, low scoring loss with exciting, high stepping 13-point home fiasco…New Orleans showing how tough 2016 B-10 race is going to be as winless record still sees them trailing Detroit and Tennessee…Next Loss: at San Diego

7. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2; lost to Denver 29-17) – Bengals back in survey after five straight playoff appearances…They’re 0-5 in those games, of course, and Bengals fan(s) hoping team can reclaim magic that once made them B-10 darlings…Next Loss: Miami (Thu 9/29)

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-2; lost to Los Angeles 37-32) – While defense certainly doing its part, offense takes charge late in this one, fumbling ball in red zone and allowing Rams to return it for touchdown…Need big home loss to undefeated defending Super Bowl champions to really catch eye(s) of B-10 pollsters…Next Loss: Denver

9. San Diego Chargers (1-2; lost to Indianapolis 26-22) – Three fumbles by offense overcomes a not-too-bad defensive effort…Chargers fans starting to regret team not moving to Los Angeles and are petitioning team to build new stadium “anywhere but here” …Next Loss: New Orleans

10. Chicago Cubs (101-56) – Cubs continue march to first World Series win since 1908, topping 100 win mark for first time since 1935…B-10 pollsters dismissing talk of inevitable World Series title as  jinxing Cubs as “so much hot air”…Next Loss: 2017

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Detroit at Chicago
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Tennessee at Houston

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The Bottom Ten
NCAA/Week 5
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist

With Kansas off this week, the Week 5 Bottom Ten was ripe for invasion by a team that wasn’t even ranked last week to hijack the top spot for one week.

Hello Notre Dame! The Fighting Irish are back in the survey, looking every bit like the contenders for the ESPNCup – symbolic of Bottom Ten supremacy – they were in 2007 when the prize was known as the Walmart Trophy Presented by Motel 6.

In other Bottom Ten news, Earlham, the Division III school possessing the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – had the week off and are expected to extend their losing streak to 27 games this Saturday.

This week’s mess:

1 Notre Dame (1-3; lost to Duke – Duke! – 38-35)
Mitigating Factors: Irish hold down top spot for first time since 2007 started 0-5 with statement home loss to Duke, the B-10 Team of the Decade for the Double Aughts…Total team effort (TTE) sees Irish give up ten (10) points off of three (3) turnovers…While 0-5 start out of question, Irish still hoping to equal 1-8 start of iconic 1960 squad…Irish still getting hang of rare B-10 gig, stubbornly outscoring opponents 37.3-to-33.5 in 2016…1-3 start not what school leaders expecting, as priests take team back behind chapel for floggings, very special prayer sessions.
Let Us Pray: With games against Army and Navy still to come, Irish in prime position to earn first Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness – since 2007 squad earned it with losses to Navy and Air Force.
Next Loss:at Syracuse

2. Rice (0-4; lost to North Texas 42-35 2OT)
Mitigating Factors: Owls blow 17-0 lead, scramble to tie it late before earning the type of deflating character-building overtime loss that leads straight to the B-10 medal stand…Owls 0-4 for eleventh (11^th) time overall, seventh (7^th) time this century, making Rice prime candidates for “Worst Team To Never Win B-10 Title” designation…Owls early season statistical juggernaut, ranking 120^th or worse in no less than six (6) official NCAA stat categories.  
Total Team Effort: Owls put the “special” in special teams, ranking 124^th in Punt Returns, averaging minus-12 inches per return.
Next Loss:at Southern Mississippi

3. Florida International (0-4; lost to Central Florida 53-14)
Mitigating Factors: Panthers close to within one (1) early before defense burns off 45-0 run to break it open…Panthers solve Red Zone efficiency problem (2-for-2) by avoiding Red Zone altogether on other eleven (11) drives…Offense showing way to B-10 glory, ranking Dead Last in Scoring Offense (13.5 ppg)…FIU 0-4 for 735^th time in school history, and looking to go 0-5 for first time since 2007 squad started season 0-11 before blowing B-10 title with win in final game.
Site Selection: School administrators considering moving games from small on-campus facility to larger nearby high school facility to handle bigger crowds anticipated during B-10 stretch drive.
Next Loss:Florida Atlantic

4. Kent State (1-3; lost to Alabama 48-0)
Mitigating Factors: In final tune-up before starting minefield that is MAC play, Golden Flashes coast with obligatory blow-out road loss to defending national champion…Only missed field goal on initial drive prevented Golden Flashes from turning in perfect game of punting or turning ball over every series…Game closer than score indicated, as talent rich Crimson Tide played 17^th string in third quarter, Algerian Conservatory of Music transfer students in fourth quarter, as first through 16^th strings inclusive punished for not leading 105-0 at half.
FunFact: At 1-3, Kent State football has chance to have worst season in school history since 1970 rifle squad set school record with four (4) killings.
Next Loss:Akron

5. Northern Illinois (0-4; lost to Western Illinois 28-23)
Mitigating Factors: Though they lack the B-10 pedigree of some other teams, Huskies claw way into first survey of 2016 with strong start, Nation’s Longest Losing Streak (NLLS) of seven (7) games…Game never really in doubt as Huskies jump out to 14-0, 28-7 deficits before putting it on cruise control…Current losing skid has freshman wondering if they have what it takes to challenge all-time school mark of 23 straight losses of vaunted 1996-98 juggernauts.  
FunFact:B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Huskies first team ever to start season 0-4 after eight (8) consecutive appearances in bowl games.  
Next Loss:at Ball State

6. Charlotte (1-3; lost to Temple 48-20)
Mitigating Factors: Temple, no stranger to B-10 fans, passes torch to new generation of losers…Strong start key as 49er offense produces four (4) three (3)-and-outs in first half…Charlotte putting B-10 title hopes in defense basket, ranking 122^nd in Scoring Defense and Passing Defense, 116^th in Total Defense…With only win coming in Week 2, Charlotte will need help to earn Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win – even if they lose out.
Strength Of Schedule: With only win coming against lower level team, and with games against FIU and Rice coming up, 49ers still in sold position to earn first B-10 title.
Next Loss: at Old Dominion

7. San Jose State (1-3; lost to Iowa State 44-10)
Mitigating Factors: With confidence only a past B-10 champion (2010) can muster, Spartans strut into Ames, Iowa and are back in survey after snapping Cyclones nation’s best seven (7) game losing streak…Spartans gracious guests, turning the ball over four (4) times, which even Iowa State was able to turn into 24 points…Special teams doing its part, Ranking Next-To-Dead-Last in Punt Returns and 120^th in Net Punting.
Strength Of Schedule II:Spartans another team whose only win came against lower level team and who can make big B-10 noise by losing out.
Next Loss:at New Mexico

8. Power Three (3) Conferences (MAC, Sun Belt, C-USA)
Mitigating Factors: B-10 power conferences so bad B-10 pollsters unable to find any degrees of separation resulting in first ever three-way split of Conference of the Week award…All six (6) of the remaining winless teams in country come from MAC, Sun Belt and C-USA and leagues have twelve (12) teams with one (1) win.
Strength In Numbers: Conferences so bad B-10 pollsters not even certain they can rebound for .500 conference play mark.

9. Army (3-1; lost to Buffalo 23-20 OT)
Mitigating Factors: Black Knights of Confusion back on losing schneid…3-1 Cadets still included in survey because of obscure B-10 bylaw requiring pollsters to make cheap jokes at expense of nation’s future warriors…Army hindered by recent Army Secretary ruling specifying Cadets not to play overtime sessions because “there’s no overtime in war”…Though Notre Dame will challenge, Cadets still favored by B-10 staffers to retain Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness.
On This Date: September 24 latest Cadet fan(s) have had to wait for team’s first loss since 1996 squad somehow started season 9-0.
Next Loss: at Duke

10. The Confederacy (0-7; Arkansas State: lost to Central Arkansas 28-23; Georgia State: DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Teams with third, fourth longest losing streaks in country team up for hilarious southern fried joint entry because is survey is limited to ten (10) teams…That’s why it’s called the Bottom Ten and not the Bottom Eleven…Arkansas State makes first ever appearance in survey, following first loss to lower level team since 2001…Georgia State already a statistical juggernaut, ranking Dead Last in Rushing Offense (45.7 ypg), Total Offense (247.7 ypg) and Rushing Defense (325.3 ypg)
Good Seats Still Available: Prime time Nov. 3 clash on ESPN793 for Colonel Sanders Bucket could propel loser straight to B-10 medal stand.
Next Losses: Arkansas St: Georgia Southern (Oct. 5); Georgia State” at Appalachian State

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: San Jose State at New Mexico
This One Isn’t Going To Be Any Good, Either: Akron at Kent State

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