The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
One Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.
As always, questions abound. Can Jacksonville repeat? Will the Bengals finally break through and claim their first title? Can the NFC East produce another “champion” with a losing record or will the AFC South take command of race for Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division?
Hell, your Bottom Ten pollsters don’t know, either,
The Week 1 mess. 2020 records, final position in parentheses.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-15; 1st) – Defending B-10 champs determined to repeat, with owner Ghengis Khan reportedly hiring off-duty ISIS agents as assistant coaches to ensure team retains focus required to go winless in 2021…Current 15-game skid NFL’s best…Opening Loss: at Houston
2. New York Jets (2-14; 2nd) – Bad but not bad enough Jets looking to build on 2020’s 0-13 start and avoid catastrophic late-season two (2)-game win skid that derailed title hopes…..Opening Loss: at Carolina
3. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11-1; 6th) – B-10 perennials, Bengals another team looking to avoid costly two-game win skid and return to natural habitat that is B-10 medal stand…Bengals fan(s) hoping this is finally year team sheds label as worst team never to win B-10 title …Opening Loss: Minnesota
4. AFC South – With two-thirds of 2020 medal stand in residence, alleged division easy pick for preseason Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division…Next Loss: Automatic berth in NFL playoffs, as league looks to farm champion out to Texas major division high school football playoffs.
5. Detroit Lions (5-11; 7th) – B-10’s first 0-16 team entitled to courtesy preseason ranking of course, but Lions earn current ranking on merits, with sights squarely set on return to B-10 medal stand in 2021…Next Loss: San Francisco
6. Canadian Football League – B-10 staffers filing paperwork with UN or CDC as league in violation of NAFTA treaty for not producing winless team for annual, hilarious preseason ranking…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” classic line about league groundskeepers being on probation for continuing to put two (2) 50-yard lines on field still “like, pretty funny and stuff”.
7. NFL Overtime – Hey guys, instead of having OT decided by scoring more points, maybe winner could be decided by having hoodlum players spray graffiti on field, with team of art critics voting on winner…Whatever the method, everyone – players, fans, sponsors – entitled to have every NFL game produce a victor.
8. Houston Texans (4-12; 3rd) – Everything’s bigger in Texas, including losing streaks as season-ending 12-game skid more than enough to secure berth on season-ending B-10 medal stand…Next Loss: Jacksonville
9. Jacksonville at Houston – B-10 fan(s) everywhere already salivating over this Week 1 thriller as Jaguars, Texans have combined to lose 27 straight, with B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is “like, really bad and stuff”…Game already being heralded by B-10 fan(s) everwhere as B-10 Game of the Year nominee.
10. Cleveland Browns (11-5; NR) – NFL’s second 0-16 team earns courtesy preseason ranking mandated by B-10 bylaws…Browns, though, could be making only appearance of 2021 as team in danger of returning to playoffs…Opening Loss: at Kansas City
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Jacksonville at Texas
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: New York (A) at Carolina