The first few Bottom Tens are on the house.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 1
By Gaylon Kent – America’s Funniest Guy™
Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere knew before the season started that it was going to be tough for defending ESPN Cup champions Florida International to top 2021 when they also earned the Tostitos Plaque – issued to the team with the longest losing streak in a season that actually includes a win.
But no one thought it was going to be this tough, as Nebraska has completed their downfall and assumed the Bottom Ten throne for the first time following a game in Ireland that has remaining Husker fan(s) wondering how they can farm out the rest of their games to Europe.
The opening week fiasco:
Editor’s Note: For teams that have not played yet, 2021 record in parenthesis.)
1. Nebraska (0-1; lost to Northwestern 31-28)
Mitigating Factors: Two (2) double-digit leads blown???…Check…Inane onside kick no one will ever, ever, understand???…Check, as once-proud Huskers top B-10 survey for first time…Team can make even bigger B-10 splash with loss to lower level team at home this week as B-10 pollsters “strongly suspect” Huskers first team “like, ever, dude” to be #1 in B-10 preseason poll that has actually played a game.
GBR: Nebraska showing the type of mettle that tends to lead straight to B-10 glory, having lost seven straight games, all by single digits.
Next Loss: North Dakota
2. Florida International (0-11)
Mitigating Factors: Panthers easy pick for runner-up spot, as defending B-10 champions also sport nation’s best eleven (11)-game losing skid…Minefield schedule includes matchups against B-10 All-Stars UConn, New Mexico State, and UTEP, though Week 1 loss against lower-level foe would send strong message to both themselves and other B-10 hopefuls.
Keys To Success: If Panthers are going to defend B-10 title, defense absolutely must improve over 2021 squad that only ranked 128th – out of 130 – in Total Defense and 126th in Scoring Defense.
Opening Loss: Bryant (Thu 9/1)
3. Pac-12
Mitigating Factors: Once proud, soon-to-be-gone conference early pick for coveted B-10 Conference of the Year award as B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” watching collapse will be great fun over the next few months…Pac 12 first conference to begin season on B-10 medal since Border Alliance Conference – Tijuana Tech, Universidad de Tecate, Yuma State, Navajo A&M – in 1943.
FunFact: While conference expects to improve on last year’s 10-24 major division non-conference mark, they privately expect all teams to level up for strong .500 conference play mark.
Next Loss: Oregon, Washington, Utah, Colorado, Arizona, Arizona State.
4. Duke (3-9)
Mitigating Factors: Though entitled to courtesy Week 1 ranking thanks to earning B-10 Team of the Decade honors for Double Aughts, Bleu Devils rebounded from early three (3)-game win skid in 2021 to lose last seven (7) games to earn current ranking on merit…To show how far Duke’s fortunes have fallen, this is team’s first seven (7)-game losing streak since 2011…Still though, Duke making strong pitch for B-10 Team of the Quarter Century honors, having lost 21 of 24.
This Week’s Game Is The Only One We Can Lose: With tough opener, Bleu Devils cannot get caught looking ahead to Week 2 B-10 Hall of Fame game matchup vs. Northwestern.
Next Loss: Temple (Fri 9/2)
5. UTEP (0-1; lost to North Texas 31-13)
Mitigating Factors: Miners throw helmets in ring for B-10 run with strong yet routine home loss to former B-10 perennial…Miners in odd position of recovering from bowl game appearance, though pasting against perennial power this week should give squad big confidence boost heading into key B-10 matchups against New Mexicans later in September.
FunFact: Miners never to far away from hearts and minds of B-10 fan(s) everywhere, with only five (5) winning seasons this century.
Next Loss: at Oklahoma
6. Akron (2-10)
Mitigating Factors: Obligatory MAC representative, Zips charmed everyone by running table for 2019 B-10 title and are hoping new coach can reverse disturbing trend where Zips have gone from winless to two (2) wins in only two (2) seasons…Even if Zips win opener against lower-level team, following spankings against Michigan State and Tennessee should set tone for B-10 glory in 2022.
FunFact: With B-10 title under belt, and high hopes for lousy 2022, Zips starting to look like contender for B-10 Team of the Quarter Century honors.
Next Loss: St Francis, Pennsylvania (Thu 9/1)
7. Cradle of Liberty (0-1; UConn lost to Utah State 31-20; UMess 1-11)
Mitigating Factors: With B-10 pollsters obliged to sort through the most crowded Week 1 B-10 field in recent memory, recent B-10 stalwarts forced to combine for hilarious joint entry…UConn’s only win 2021 win came against Yale and UMess’s only win came against UConn, though Minutemen’s petition for share of Ivy League title was dismissed without comment.
FunFact: B-10 TitleTrak Radar already locked in on UConn/UMess Nov 4 matchup, with loser likely to find themselves in position for strong B-10 medal stand run as well as possession of John Adams Spittoon, symbolic of Yankee football ineptitude.
Opening Losses: UConn: Central Connecticut State; UMess: at Tulane
8. Hawaii (0-1; lost to Vanderbilt 63-10)
Mitigating Factors: Rainbow Warriors blow out circuit boards on patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar with stunning blowout home loss, snapping of Vanderbilt’s seven (7)-game losing streak.
FunFact: Vanderbilt, still smarting from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments, actually able to give Jewish Studies majors who started game second half off and play scholarship football players in blowout.
Next Loss: Western Kentucky
9. Thiel College (0-10)
Mitigating Factors: Defending holders of Continental Cup – issued to team with longest all-division losing streak in NATO – begin 2022 with 37 (37)-game losing streak…New head coach hoping 45 freshmen on roster have inexperience, lack of talent, required to guide twelve (12) seniors into rarefied air of graduating class that has never won a game.
FunFact: Another winless campaign will give Tomcats a 47-game skid, just six away from Earlham’s all-time D-III mark of 53 straight losses.
Opening Loss: at Montclair State
10. The #10 spot will return. Deadline came and Bottom Ten pollsters – still shedding early season rust, not to mention flexing their bar tabs – only bothered to rank nine (9) teams.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Temple at Duke
This One’s Not Going To Be Any Good, Either: UMess at Tulane
Pac-12 Thriller of the Week: Kent State at Washington
MAC Thriller of the Week: Kent State at Washington
