The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
Like fruit flies that simply will not go away, that American institution – the NFL Bottom Ten Week 2 Interregnum Poll – is back!!
Necessitated by the extra week between the Week 1 NFL poll and the actual start of the NFL regular season, the 2016 edition features the usual assortment of lousy NFL team(s) and witless social commentary the entire country has come to know and love.
As always, the highlight is the awarding of the first Bottom Ten hardware of the season, the Jim Hanifan Medallion, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten ineptitude.
This week’s mess, as the nags enter the starting gate:
- Colin Kaepernick’s ‘Fro – Totally rad hairstyle becomes first coiffure to win the Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL B-10 lousiness…Veterans themselves, B-10 pollsters rather sympathetic with QB sitting during national anthem as one of the reasons we served was to protect his right to speak his mind…Personally, we issue a hand salute during the anthem, but knock yourself out.
2. Don Criqui – Hall of Fame football announcer we’ve always enjoyed makes his first B-10 medal stand appearance and is back for another year of sponsoring This Is Don Criqui Reporting, the hilarious B-10 lead line highlighting second lousiest match-up of week in NFL…Retired from NFL announcing for a few years, Criqui now the only reason to listen to Notre Dame football.
3. Chicago Cubs – Often, if not usually, eliminated from NL pennant race by time Interregnum Poll released, Cubs actually in first place in NL Central and have a magic number countdown…While they certainly don’t want to jinx the Cubs, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Cubs are “basically a lock” for first World Series title since second T. Roosevelt Administration.
4. Interregnum – Seldom-used word makes annual appearance in ranking of lousy, professional football teams…2016 ranking takes on added significance as time between presidential election and inauguration is only time word is used in America.
5. Tim Tebow – 2014 Jim Hanifan Medallion winner set to try hand at professional baseball career…B-10 pollsters have always been big Tebow fans – he does have a tendency to win – and are thinking of offering him spot on B-10 softball team for 2017…They could use a shortstop…And an outfielder.
6. 2016 Summer Olympics – While far from a resounding success, Rio did manage to prevent any actual deaths to athletes during competition or on medal stand…B-10 staffers currently working on plan to have various Olympic events held in the same places around the world every four years.
7. Legal Weed In Colorado – Dude…Really…
8. Gaylon For Congress – Fresh off getting almost three percent of the vote in 2014 Colorado US Senate election, hack author of Bottom Ten back at it in bid for US House seat…Has currently raised $7 in campaign contributions.
9. US Electorate – Still tolerating substandard government, voters being treated to worst major-party presidential choices ever…Had Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson – a former two-term republican governor of New Mexico – been the GOP nominee he would be polishing up is inauguration speech right prior to naming the Electoral College score this November.
10. Cleveland Browns (0-4) – Browns get great head start on regular season with flawless, winless preseason, missing out on Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason ineptitude – to far out, outta sight hairstyle in closest voting ever…Despite not winning coveted award, Browns still receive congratulatory text from 2015 Jim Hanifan Medallion winners, the Washington Generals basketball team.