The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 8
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Foremost Humorist
The torch may well have been passed.
After winning The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy – the past two (2) seasons, the Tennessee Titans appear to have passed the torch to a new generation of losers, sending Cleveland to an 0-6 start in their showdown game Sunday.
Hold on to your hats, though, as Cleveland has yet another Bottom Ten showdown this week, invading Cincinnati to face a Bengals squad themselves seemingly striving for Bottom Ten glory.
This week’s mess, as the nags approach the backstretch:
- Cleveland Browns (0-6; lost to Tennessee 28-26) – Browns save best for last in Titanic struggle with two (2)-time defending B-10 champions, scoring two (2) late touchdowns to show two (2)-time defending B-10 champion there’s a new sheriff in town…Browns 0-6 for first time since 1999 squad hailed triumphant return to NFL by starting 0-7…The NFL’s only 0-16 team, the 2008 Detroit Lions, also started season 0-6…Next Loss: at Cincinnati
2. San Francisco 49ers (1-5; lost to Buffalo 45-16) – 49ers hold down runner-up spot with five (5)-game losing skid, best among teams not from Cleveland…Defense showing way to B-10 glory, losing games by average margin of 17.2 points…In order to appease fans offended by national anthem protests, 49ers looking to have singer Lee Greenwood start at quarterback…Next Loss: Tampa Bay
3. New York Jets (1-5; lost to Arizona 28-3) – Blowout, Monday Night Football loss would have been complete embarrassment if anyone watched MNF anymore…Turbo-charged Jets offense rushes for 14 (14)-yards, tosses two (2) interceptions while alleged ‘defense’ really makes Cardinals earn with touchdown drives 14, 14 and eleven plays…Jets getting outscored 25-9 during current four (4)-game skid…Next Loss: Baltimore
4. Cincinnati Bengals (2-4; lost to New England 35-17) – Bengals back in familiar territory – knocking on door of B-10 medal stand – following fourth loss in five (5) games…With 120 rushing yards and zero (0) turnovers, coaching staff, B-10 pollsters impressed – though not particularly surprised by – Bengals ability to lose when they’re not playing their worst….Next Loss: Cleveland
5. AFC North (9-15 ) – With AFC South surprising everyone with (relatively) strong start, AFC North takes first Pete Rozelle Award of 2016 – issued to NFL’s worst division…Anchored by Browns six (6)-gamer, entire division riding losing streak…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” ‘rebound for strong .500 divisional play’ line used in college survey wouldn’t be as funny in professional poll.
6. Baltimore Ravens (3-3; lost to New York Giants 27-23) – Ravens squarely on B-10 radar following third straight loss…Ravens show mettle of B-10 champions, blowing two (2) leads, including one in final two (2) minutes…Ravens can make big pitch for B-10 medal stand with loss in showdown game Sunday, and against Browns on Nov 10…Next Loss: at New York Jets
7. AFC South – Stunned, betrayed B-10 pollsters – who had declared AFC South the favorite for B-10 Division of the Year Award – has put entire division on double-secret probation as half the division has won two (2) straight and two (2)-time defending B-10 champion Tennessee is at goddamned .500.
8. Gaylon For Congress – Genius behind Bottom Ten looking to follow-up receipt of 2.6 percent of vote in 2014 Colorado United States Senate election with repeat triumph in 2016 US House race…Campaign just under $5,000 threshold required for FEC reporting by mere $4,925…
9. 2016 Presidential Campaign – Sewers look better than the show Mr Trump and Ms Clinton are putting on…The American electorate appears to be tolerating it though, able, but unwilling, to demand better…Next Loss: The American way of life, after entire country collapses, probably before this half-century is out.
10. Chicago Cubs – A 2-1 deficit vs the evil Dodgers will just make their inevitable World Series triumph that much sweeter…Kinda need to start hitting, though…B-10 pollsters frantically trying to time travel to 108 years in the future to see what year Cubs actually end World Series drought.
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Cleveland at Cincinnati
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Baltimore at New York Jets