The Bottom Ten/NFL Final
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
In the end, there was no W in Browns. There was only one, final, triumphant, historic L.
Culminating the greatest two (2)-year stretch in Bottom Ten history – and setting the stage for the first-ever Bottom Ten three-peat – the Browns win their second consecutive Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten ineptitude – following up last season’s 1-15 masterpiece with an even better 0-16 mark in 2017.
This final fiasco, as the nags trip over the finish line:
1. Cleveland Browns (0-16; lost to Pittsburgh 28-24) – Browns sashay into B-10 immortality with team’s first winless season ever…Cleveland making strong case for B-10 Team of Century honors having lost 17 straight, 31 of 32 and 50 of 54 dating back to 2014…Browns second NFL team to start, end season 0-16…The 2008 Detroit Lions were the first.
2. Houston Texans (4-12; lost to Indianapolis 22-13) – Opportunistic Texans take advantage of Giants win to snag B-10 runner-up spot by sleepwalking through second half…Season ending six (6)-game losing streak best amongst NFL’s victoried teams.
3. New York Giants (3-13; defeated Washington 18-10) – Giants forfeit runner-up spot with curious win, but stay on medal stand as only team in league with three (3) losing streaks of at least three (3) games, including two (2) five (5)-game skids.
4. Chicago Bears (5-11; lost to Minnesota 23-10) – Offense shows way in this one, as 30 rushing yards and zero (0) offensive touchdowns ensure game not as close as score indicated…Inability to lose close ones hurt, as two (2) overtime wins derailed B-10 medal stand hopes.
5. Indianapolis Colts (4-12, defeated Houston 22-13) – Front office so pissed team missed B-10 medal stand they fired head coach immediately after win…Still, though, with only wins coming against Cleveland, San Francisco, Houston and Houston, a top five (5) finish nothing to sneeze at.
6. New York Jets (5-11; lost to New England 26-6) – Jets claim inaugural High Five (5) Award, as league’s worst five (5)-win team not from Chicago, earning nod over Denver, Tampa Bay, based on season-ending four (4)-game skid.
7. Denver Broncos (5-11; lost to Kansas City 27-24) – With hot nine (9)-game skid earlier in season, Broncos got to test drive B-10 medal stand for a while…Though late wins derailed dreams of B-10 glory, Broncos do earn highest B-10 finish ever.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11; defeated New Orleans 31-24) – Buccaneer fan(s) refusing to allow win in finale to take luster off otherwise fine season that saw two (2) seperate five (5)-game losing streaks.
9. AFC North – Upset pick for Pete Rozelle Award – issued to NFL’s worst division – AFC North not only home to B-10 champion Browns, but also went 0-4 vs Chicago Bears.
10. Bottom Ten Readers Association – B-10 pollsters grateful you still have nothing better to do with your time than to read this crap twice a week for five months…As always, if you enjoy reading this half as much as we enjoy producing it, you enjoy it an awful lot…Thank you.
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: The Bottom Ten/Best of 2017 edition will run next week and will feature the opportunity to vote on your favorite lines from the past season. The winners, and other awards, will be announced the following week in the first-ever Bottom Ten Tenny Awards