The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 2 – The Interregnum Poll!
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s the most anticipated column in America: the Interregnum Poll. Necessitated during the NFL Week 2 survey because of the extra week between the Week 1 poll and the start of regular season, the Interregnum Poll has become the nation’s go-to source for lousy professional football team rankings plus witless social commentary.
Following the awarding of the Jim Hanifan Medallion – symbolic of NFL preseason lousiness – to the Washington Generals basketball team (2015) and Colin Kaepernick’s Fro (2016), the first Bottom Ten award of the season is actually issued to a football team this year, following petitioning by Trump Administration, not to mention several NFL teams.
This year’s interregnum fiasco, as the nags preen at the starting gate:
1. Atlanta Falcons (0-4; lost to Jacksonville 13-7) – Carries momentum from blown Super Bowl straight through to winless preseason and first ever Jim Hanifan Medallion, symbolic of NFL preseason lousiness…Falcon fan(s) hoping downward trend continues to first ever B-10 title…Next Loss: at Chicago
2. Interregnum – Dry, tedious word – an Interregnum Poll regular – makes first B-10 medal stand appearance in 2017…Only used twice in America, during the gap between presidential election and inauguration and in Week 2 NFL B-10 survey…Made first appearance in 1590, the same year as “legerity”.
3. American Electorate (0-for-3) – Another Interregnum Poll regular making first medal stand appearance, shows that with election of Donald Trump as president, once proud nation ensures years 17-20 inclusive of lousy presidential leadership..Next Loss: The entire American experiment if we don’t start electing decent leaders.
4. Oakland Raiders (0-4; lost to Seattle 17-13) – Raiders lose out on first ever Jim Hanifan Medallion based on fact Atlanta bribe check cleared before theirs did…0-4 preseason gives Las Vegas officials hope Raiders can arrive in 2020 with a couple B-10 titles under their belts…Next Loss: at Tennessee
5. Chicago Cubs – An Interregnum Poll staple, Cubs in seldom-charted waters, actually in position to repeat as World Series champions…After slow start, Cubs back in first place in NL Central as we write this and could well win their second World Series title in 109 years, though that is not the forgone conclusion it was in 2016.
6. Los Angeles Chargers (1-3; lost to San Francisco 23-13) – Strong loss to lousy 49er team sends unified message to LA fans Chargers serious about B-10 medal stand run in 2017…Though team value increased by a billion dollars with LA move, no one otherwise certain why they moved to city that neither needed nor wanted them…Next Loss: at Denver (9/11)
7. Tie Games – Hey guys, before you fart around with NFL overtime rules again, ask yourself this: “Will it remain possible for NFL games to end in a tie?” If the answer is yes, do not implement the change…Keep working until the answer is “No” as tie games cheat teams as much as they do fans.
8. Cleveland Browns (4-0; defeated Chicago 25-0) – Defending B-10 champions had winless 2016 preseason and stumble to undefeated 2017 preseason, making B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Browns first team “basically, like, ever” to do this…Next Loss: Pittsburgh
9. Los Angeles (0-for-2) – LA pro football fan(s) wandering around scratching heads wondering “we waited two (2) decades for this?”…For the first time since Kennedy Administration LA stuck with both Rams and Chargers playing in town, with both harboring 2017 B-10 medal stand dreams…Next Loss: With Dodger preparing to blow NL West title and Lakers in doldrums, entire city ready to embrace World Team Tennis again.
10. Donald Trump – Trump well on way to worst presidency ever…So divisive he makes Richard Nixon look like a healer, Trump has brilliantly parlayed a mandate from angry white males, a GOP controlled Congress and a crippling need for attention into a complete inability to govern…Next Loss: Our country, if he keeps pissing North Korea off.
Opening Week Clash of the Titans: Atlanta at Chicago
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Oakland at Tennessee
Jacksonville Jaguars Fiasco of the Week: at Houston