The Bottom Ten/NFL Final

The Bottom Ten/NFL Final
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy

It starts in July. 32 National Football League teams with one (1) dream: The Dan Henning Trophy, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy. One (1) team wins it. 31 are left to wonder ‘what if?”

In the end it was the San Francisco 49ers who become the first team with five (5) Super Bowl titles to take home The Dan Henning Trophy, thanks to big strength-of-schedule points for losing both of their games to the Cardinals. 

The final imbroglio, as the nags cross the nags, finally, cross the finish line:

1. San Francisco 49ers (4-12; lost to Los Angeles Rams 48-32) – Despite only having second-lowest win total in league, 49ers earn first B-10 title thanks to losing twice to lousy Cardinals…49er fan(s) breathing huge sigh of relief, as late, two-game winning was thought to have taken Niners out of title contention…Next Loss: 2019

2. New York Jets (4-12; lost to New England 38-3) – Bad but not bad enough Jets settle for B-10 runner-up spot as consecutive wins in Weeks 5 and 6 upend B-10 title chances…Another team that fired coach, Jets know they have a lot of work to do to return to B-10 medal stand, ruin latest franchise quarterback…Next Loss: 2019

3. Arizona Cardinals (3-13; lost to Seattle 27-24) – Cardinals fan(s) crying foul as league best three wins, clutch last second loss in finale, usually enough to secure B-10 title…Cardinals so committed to 2019 B-10 glory they traded first-year coach in for college coach with 35-40 lifetime record…Next Loss: 2019

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11; lost to Atlanta 34-32) – Strong finishing kick sees Buccaneers lose final four games in what B-10 pollsters are “pretty sure” is Buccaneer’s best B-10 finish “in like years and stuff”…Next Loss: 2019

5. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11; lost to Houston 20-3) – Owner Shad Khan’s fury at yet another failure to win B-10 title complete as coaching staff off for tour of Saudi consulate in Istanbul later this month…Jaguars fan(s) left to wonder what might have been had team not gotten off to terrible 2-0 start…Next Loss: 2019

6. New York Giants (5-11; lost to Dallas 36-35) – Another team doomed by late two-game winning skid, Giants needed strong three-game losing streak to make final B-10 survey…With eight (8) losses coming by seven (7) points or less, Giants in danger of going from bad to mediocre in 2019…Next Loss: 2019

7. NFC West (30-34) – Though Rams, Seahawks combined for 23 wins, having two-thirds of final B-10 medal stand in division more than enough to earn NFC West Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s worst division…Next Loss: 2019

8. Don CriquiB-10 staffers have already opened negotiations with Criqui – or someone who sounds an awful lot like him – to return next year for hilarious This Is Don Criqui Reporting feature, which heralds second-worst game of NFL week…Dick Stockton, something called Spero Dedes on short list should Criqui retention efforts fail.

9. Oakland Raiders (4-12; lost to Kansas City 35-3) – Just lose baby…Raiders claim spot in final B-10 survey with strong blowout loss in finale…Raiders vow to kick in gear next season regardless of where their home field is as team faded after strong 1-8 start…Next Loss: 2019

10. Cincinnati Bengals (6-10; lost to ) – Six (6) win teams in final B-10 survey rare, but B-10 pollsters wanted to send shout out to ousted head coach Marvin Lewis who in 16 years produced as many playoff wins (0) as B-10 titles (0), going down in history as probably worst coach never to win B-10 title..Next Loss: 2019

Thank you for reading. If you enjoy reading this as much as we enjoy producing it, you enjoy it an awful lot.


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