The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 1
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
It’s the toughest three-peat in sports: three (3) consecutive Dan Henning Trophies, symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy. It is so tough it has never done.
The Cleveland Browns, Bottom Ten champions in 2017 and 2018 and winners of one (1) game the past two (2) seasons, has a shot, though…Sure, they will have to overcome complacency not to mention two (2) games against B-10 perennials Cincinnati, but veteran Bottom Ten fan(s) everywhere can’t help but feeling excited this year.
The opening week fiasco:
Editor’s Note: 2017 record, final Bottom Finish in parenthesis.
1. Cleveland Browns (0-16; 1st) – Steadying hand of head coach who is 1-31 in two (2) seasons cannot be overestimated in quest for third straight B-10 title…Browns have not won consecutive games since November 2014….Opening Loss: Pittsburgh
2. Chicago Bears (5-11; 4th) – Bears so intent on B-10 medal stand they brought in rookie head coach to show way to B-10 glory…Bears have finished last in NFC North four (4) straight seasons, their best stretch of futility since bringing up rear in NFC Central 1997-2000 inclusive…Opening Loss: at Green Bay
3. Houston Texans (4-12; 2nd) – Another team looking for B-10 glory should Cleveland actually improve, Texans carry forward tidy six-game losing skid – best amongst teams that actually won a game in 2018 – into season…Opening Loss: at New England
4. New York Giants (3-13; 3rd) – Medal stand finish not enough in fickle New York, where only a B-10 title will do…Consistency key for Giants last year, as two five (5) game skids and one three (3) game skid avoided pesky winning streak(s)…Opening Loss: Jacksonville
5. Miami Dolphins (6-10; NR) – Dolphins have turned in one (1) winning season this decade and have gone from ten wins in 2016 to six (6) in 2017, so expectations for first B-10 title are sky high in south Florida…Opening Loss: Tennessee
6. Buffalo Bills (9-7; NR) – Only 2017 playoff team in Week 1 survey, Bills looking to start another 17-year playoff drought in 2018 and they have the offense to do it…Opening Loss: at Baltimore
7. New York Jets (5-11; 6th) – It’s B-10 medal stand or bust in New York as consecutive 5-11 seasons have Jets fan(s) primed for B-10 glory…Complete inability to run, catch football will provide benefits in tough AFC East…Next Loss: at Detroit (9/10)
8. Don Criqui – Hall of Fame announcer back to lend name to ‘This Is Don Criqui Reporting’ lead line highlighting second dullest NFL game that week…Rumors that agent for Tim Ryan – another B-10 pollster favorite – called asking if spot would be open are untrue.
9. AFC East – With entire division save for New England in Week 1 survey, division easy pick for Pete Rozelle Award, issued to NFL’s lousiest division…Division so bad New England could have division title wrapped up by Week 5.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (9-7; NR) – Chargers should be pretty good this year, but B-10 pollsters hopeful for at least a slow start so they can trot out favorite “tarps will be removed in time for high school playoffs” line…Chargers hoping to avoid B-10 curse as Eagles ranked in Week 1 survey last year and won Super Bowl…Opening Loss: Kansas City
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Cincinnati at Indianapolis
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: New York (A) at Detroit
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