The Bottom Ten is free this season. Enjoy.
The Bottom Ten/NCAA Final
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
The quest for Bottom Ten glory started in August. Or September. Or October. And it ends here, with a result as unprecedented as the season itself: for the first time ever, there are multiple champions. Yes, with the exception of the Tostitos Plaque, Sgt Bilko Trophy and Conference of the Year laureates the seven remaining teams – all unvictoried, of course – have won the ESPNCup – symbolic of NCAA Bottom Ten supremacy.
Just like the Special Olympics, everyone’s a winner in The Bottom Ten this season.
The final fiasco:
1. Vanderbilt (0-9; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Finally a bride, as B-10 legacy team runs table to first B-10 title ever…Turn-of-century merger of Athletic, Student Affairs departments paid dividends all season long as Fine Dining Club’s hijacking of training table ensured pregame meals of foie gras, toast points, caviar, unable to provide nutrition required to play football longer than a few minutes.
FunFact: Commodores finish season unvictoried for first time ever.
2021 Outlook: Strong…It’s difficult to top perfection, but Commodores fully expected to land squarely on patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar next year.
1. Louisiana-Monroe (0-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Completely out of the blue – some optimists had predicted as many as two (2) wins for UL-M – Warhawks win first-ever B-10 title with first-ever winless season…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Warhawks first team to win B-10 title after being part of hilarious joint entry (Louisiana-Famous Dead Person, with UL-Lafayette) named after dead US presidents.
FunFact: Strength on both sides of the ball saw Warhawks lose games by average score of 42-to-16.3
2021 Outlook: Strong…After years on B-10 fringe, Warhawks look poised to contend for coveted B-10 medal stand berths for years to come.
1. Kansas (0-9; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Jayhawks claim first B-10 title since 2015’s classic 0-12 run…13 consecutive losses also give Jayahwks COVID Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak among teams actually playing games…Jayhawks got it done on both sides of ball, ranking Next-To-Dead-Last in Total Offense (259.2 ypg) and Dead Last in Scoring Defense (46.0 ppg).
FunFact: With eight (8) wins since 2014 and donations plummeting, hopes for stadium expansion have gone from new concourse restaurants to new taco shack to a couple of hibachis on east end handicapped access ramp.
2021 Outlook: Very strong…Now an established B-10 force, Jayhawks looking to continue quest for B-10 Team of the Quarter-Century honors.
1. Bowling Green (0-5; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Falcon fan(s) ecstatic over squad’s first-ever B-10 title, having landed squarely on patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar after snapping then-#1 Akron’s 21-game losing skid earlier this month…Total Team Effort (TTE) key to title run, as Falcons ranked 120th or worse in 13 official NCAA stat categories, including Next-To-Dead-Last in Net Punting, only setting opponents back a bit more than 90-feet per punt.
FunFact: Athletic Department number-crunchers actually pleased as average home attendance of 1,500 a bit more than anticipated had there not been a pandemic.
2021 Outlook: Excellent…With MAC easily the toughest conference in nation, Falcons know there’s no resting on their B-10 laurels in quest for sustained B-10 glory.
1. UMess (0-4; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: After a couple of medal stand finishes, UMess claims first-ever B-10 title…Though detractors point to only four (4) games played by UMess, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Minutemen would have (easily) lost any other games they would have played anyway…Average of 3.0 points per game worst in country and team best since 1882 squad averaged 0.0 ppg.
FunFact: UMess first team to win B-10 title with only four (4) losses since Chicago Physicians & Surgeons in 1904.
2021 Outlook: With the burst a B-10 title will give in recruiting small, slow players not good enough for Harvard, UMess looking to land squarely on patented B-10 TitelTrak Radar next season.
1. Northern Illinois (0-6; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Huskies ability to lose the big one (1) key in first B-10 title run, as loss to lousy Eastern Michigan secured their spot on patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar…Statistically team not too bad, though complete inability to keep opponents out of end zone fueled 2020 B-10 title run, with Huskies ranking 118th in Scoring Defense (38.7 ppg).
FunFact: Huskies also ranked 117th in Team Passing Efficiency Defense, with B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” they still have no idea what Team Passing Efficiency Defense is.
2021 Outlook: It’s tough to repeat in the Bottom Ten and it won’t get any easier for Huskies with minefield that is MAC conference play awaiting them.
1. Florida International (0-5; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: Finally…After blowing 2007 title with win in finale, Panther fan(s) ecstatic over long-awaited first B-10 title…Panthers another juggernaut B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” would have lost out had all scheduled games been played…Average score of 32.4-to-22.4 smallest margin of loss for B-10 champ since Tijuana Tech in 1954.
FunFact: Current seven (7)-game losing skid modest by B-10, Florida International standards, but coaching staff hopeful it is only groundwork for even longer skid.
2021 Outlook: Strong…Long-time B-10 watcher(s) know you count out the Panthers – a B-10 legacy team – out at your peril.
8. Navy (3-7; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: With losses to flyboys and grunts in 2021, Navy runaway winner of coveted Sgt Bilko Trophy – symbolic of service academy lousiness…Navy hampered by preseason Navy Secretary ruling requiring team – to better prepare for future sea duty hardships – to sharpen spades and cribbage games instead of reading playbooks.
FunFact: There was nothing fun associated with Navy football in 2020.
2021 Outlook: Hard to say…Predicting the service academies always a crap shoot, and veteran B-10 fan(s) know you count Army out at your peril.
9. Mid-American Conference
Mitigating Factors: With two (2) winless teams, one (1) one (1)-win team and no less than two (2) B-10 champions in 2020, MAC obvious pick for coveted, annual, B-10 Conference of the Year Award.
FunFact: Despite on-field horrors, MAC able to level up for strong .500 mark in conference play.
2021 Outlook: A+…With demise of Sun Belt Conference, MAC usually the team to beat, literally, in B-10 Conference of the Year race.
10. Syracuse (1-10; DNP)
Mitigating Factors: With current eight (8)-game skid, Orangemen take first-ever Tostitos Plaque – issued to team with longest losing streak in season that actually includes a win.
FunFact: Orangemen finish with fifth one (1)-win season ever and first since 2005.
2021 Outlook: Syracuse Booster Club bribe check didn’t clear in time, so B-10 pollsters unable to offer 2021 preview.
Editor’s Note: Many thanks, as always, for reading. Your Bottom Ten pollsters remain “pretty sure” that if you enjoyed reading this half as much as they enjoyed producing it, you enjoyed it an awful lot.