The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13

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The Bottom Ten/NCAA Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy 

It’s next loser up at The Bottom Ten this week as with Texas State, UNLV and the hilarious Bottom Ten Alumni Association entry all exiting the survey this week there are plenty of openings at the Bottom Ten Inn.. 

It’s a historic week at The Bottom Ten, too, as, for the first time ever, the race for the ESPNCup sees half the entries taken up by one conference as the MAC itself and four of its teams are ranked in this week’s survey. 

This week’s mess:

Editor’s Note: With most of the lower level schools not playing this year, the Continental Cup – issued to the team with the longest all-division losing streak in NATO – is not being awarded this year. 

1. Akron (0-3; lost to Kent State 69-35)
Mitigating Factors: Zips retain B-10 top spot in quest to repeat as B-10 champions with some media outlets thinking 69-35 score was final from latest basketball scrimmage…With 20th straight loss, Zips retain COVID Cup – issued to team with longest losing streak amongst teams actually playing games…Zips defense showing way to B-10 glory, ranking 120th or worse in six (6) NCAA defensive stat categories.
Get Out Your History Books: Zips current skid best ever, as squad looks for first winless season since, well, last year.
Next Loss: Miami, Ohio

2. Vanderbilt (0-7; lost to Florida 38-17)
Mitigating Factors: Commodores still control B-10 medal stand destiny, retaining coveted B-10 medal stand berth in eighth straight loss…Commodores still reeling from turn-of-century merger of Athletic, Student Affairs departments, as girls enrolled in Rich Kids Having Rich Kids program take over training table as pregame breastfeedings result in players wanting in-game naps.
As Long As Your History Books Are Out: 0-7 for fourth time ever, Commodores approaching uncharted waters as team has never been 0-8 before.
Next Loss: Tennessee

3. New Mexico (0-4; lost to 26-0)
Mitigating Factors: Offense getting smiley faces on playbooks as every drive ends with either punt or missed field goal…With team based in Las Vegas because no one in New Mexico wants to see them play, players generally pleased as free drinks, dating showgirls more fun than actually going to class in Albuquerque
FunFact: Lobos take advantage of Kansas not playing for a couple of weeks as hot, current 13-game skid now second-best in country.
Next Loss: at Utah State

4. Eastern Michigan (0-3; lost to Toledo 45-28)
Mitigating Factors: Pesky Eagles – who have only lost five (5) straight – proving tough to get off patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar, turning in impressive large home loss..Eastern Michigan never in this one, sprinting out to 14-0, 38-7 deficits…Eagles 0-4 for first time since iconic 2012 squad only beat army officer candidates, Western Michigan.
Stop Us If You’ve Heard This Before: B-10 pollsters still giggling over “tough to tell if small crowd was COVID-related or what they would normally expect to draw” line so they are throwing it in here.
Next Loss: Central Michigan (11/27)

5. Mid-American Conference
Mitigating Factors: MAC threatening to make mockery of B-10 Conference of the Year race – never particularly easy to do – doing something not even Sun Belt Conference did in their heyday: earning coveted Conference of the Week honors with half of survey consisting of either the conference itself or its teams.
The New Material Budget Remains Zero, I See: Despite almost complete occupation of B-10 survey, MAC bravely hanging in to produce strong .500 conference play mark. 

6. Florida International (0-5; lost to Western Kentucky 38-21)
Mitigating Factors: Offense takes center stage, blowing 13-10 lead by allowing fumble, interception touchdown returns within 17 (17) seconds of each other in 3rd-quarter turnover spree…Though blowing 2007 B-10 title with win in finale still stings, Panther fan(s) thrilled at team’s return to B-10 glory, with first serious B-10 medal stand run since revered 2013 squad finished 1-11. 
FunFact: Panthers getting it done on both sides of ball, ranking 122nd in Total Offense (279.85 ypg) and 120th in Rushing Defense (235.6 ypg)
Next Loss: Louisiana Tech

7. Bowling Green (0-3; lost to Buffalo 42-17)
Mitigating Factors: Cries of MAC bias echoing throughout the land as newly formed Union of Other Winless Team (UOWT) forms to protest MAC occupation of Week 13 B-10 survey…Falcons soaring to B-10 glory on merits, though, ranking Dead Last in Team Passing Efficiency (81.78%) and Rushing Defense (333.7 ypg)…Special teams chipping it, too, ranking 125th in Net Punting (29.27 ypk).
FunFact: B-10 pollsters still “pretty sure” they have no idea what Team Passing Efficiency is.
Next Loss: at Ohio

8. UMess (0-3; lost to Florida Atlantic 24-2)
Mitigating Factors: Despite intermittent schedule in 2020, Minutemen still able to hold heads high in B-10 mess hall with losing streak now at ten (10) games…Offense showing way to B-10 glory, ranking Dead Last, Next-To-Next-To Dead Last or Next-to-Next-To-Next-to Dead Last in five (5) official NCAA offensive stat categories.
Batter Up: Only blemish on shutout was 2nd-inning two (2)-RBI double by backup left tackle.
Next Loss: at Liberty (11/27)

9. Northern Illinois (0-3; lost to Ball State 31-25)
Mitigating Factors: Cursory early interest almost sinks Huskies, as team blows two (2) leads in sputtering to 14-14 halftime tie…Huskies staffers looking forward to receiving B-10 welcome packet, as squad 0-3 for first time since 2007… Offense not completely stinking up joint, but defense showing path to B-10 greatness in 2020, ranking 123rd in Scoring Defense (40.0 ppg)
FunFact: B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Huskies eight (8) bowl game appearances last decade “like, dude, the most of any team in the survey”.
Next Loss: at Toledo

10. Penn State (0-5; lost to Iowa 41-21)
Mitigating Factors: Finally shedding image as quality football school, Nittany Lions all in for first-ever B-10 run, at 0-5 for the first time ever…Turnovers key for Nittany Lions as two (2) fumbles and two (2) interceptions lead to 24 Hawkeye points…For 2020, Nittany Lions’ 13 turnovers and four (4) takeaways good enough to rank 124th in Turnover Margin.
Wee Peek Down The Slack: Though B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Nittany Lions entitled to higher ranking, but Penn State remains on B-10 probation that prohibits ranking them higher than 10th thanks to sanctions after Jerry Sandusky scandal.
Next Loss: at Michigan

This Week’s Clash of the Titans: Entire MAC schedule
Big Ten Thriller of the Week: Penn State at Michigan

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