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The Bottom Ten/NFL Week 13
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
The Bottom Ten pollsters are facing a potential dilemma in the race for The Dan Henning Trophy – symbolic of NFL Bottom Ten supremacy.
Should the Jets, somehow, win a game – though they are showing no signs of doing so – and Jacksonville loses out – a possibility that cannot be dismissed out of hand – Bottom Ten pollsters will face the tough call of choosing between two (2) one (1)-win teams. This is sure to renew calls for a Bottom Ten playoff, especially if neither team gets their bribery check into the office in time.
This week’s fiasco as the nags head into the far turn:
1. New York Jets (0-10; lost to Los Angeles Chargers 34-28) – Bye week provides required rest for Jets’ B-10 stretch run as offense follows touchdown on initial drive with interception, four (4) punts..Jets 27th NFL team to start 0-10…Next Loss: Miami
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9; lost to Pittsburgh 27-3) – Owner Ghengis Khan threatening to take entire staff hostage during offseason if team doesn’t deliver first B-10 title…After nine (9) straight losses. coaches busily studying tape, trying to figure out how they actually beat Colts in opener…Next Loss: Cleveland
3. Cincinnati Bengals (2-7-1; lost to Washington 20-9) – Bengals squarely on patented B-10 TitleTrak Radar after snapping lousy Washington’s two (2)-game skid…Team taking comfort in fact that if they were in the NFC East they’d only be a game out of first place…Next Loss: New York Giants
4. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6-1; lost to Cleveland 22-17) – With division foes done until after Christmas, Eagles hope to secure B-10 chances by breaking off long losing streak before finishing with minefield that is NFC East play in 2020…Next Loss: Seattle
5. Detroit Lions (4-6; lost to Carolina 20-0) – Speaking of patented B-10 TitleTrak radar, Lions get nod this week over three (3)-win teams based on strong Quality of Loss points in exciting loss to Panthers, their first shutout loss in eleven (11) years…Next Loss: Houston (11/26)
6. NFC East (12-27-1) – This will surprise you, but NFC East earns yet another coveted, weekly Pete Rozelle Award, issued to league’s worst division…B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” NFC East first division “like, ever” to have all four teams tied for first with three (3) wins this late in season.
7. Atlanta Falcons (3-7; lost to New Orleans 24-9) – Falcons back in survey, losing to Saints after disastrous two (2)-game win streak…Offensive line taking bows, allowing eight (8) quarterback sacks, while permitting only 52-yards rushing…Next Loss: Las Vegas
8. COVID-19 – You know, a shutdown didn’t get rid of this pesky new illness the first time and another one isn’t going to get rid of it this time, either….It would if Americans, long accustomed to not sacrificing, wore masks and treated everyone as if they were infected.
9. Dallas Cowboys (4-6; defeated Minnesota 31-28) – Loss in hand to Washington ensures Cowboys remain in B-10 survey despite win, although Cowboys cannot get caught resting on laurels for this week’s rematch…Next Loss: Washington (11/26)
10. Los Angeles Chargers (0-0; lost to) –Another team winning at exactly the wrong time, Chargers could still benefit from strength-of-schedule points if Jets lose out…Bad but not bad enough Chargers rush for 29-yards and still can’t lose to Jets… stuff…Next Loss: at Buffalo
This Week’s Clash of the Titans: New York Giants at Cincinnati Bengals
This Is Don Criqui Reporting: Washington at Dallas Cowboys
Happy Thanksgiving: Houston at Detroit