The Bottom Ten is free this season.
The Bottom Ten/The Best of 2020
By Gaylon Kent
America’s Funniest Guy
The best of the worst. Or maybe it’s the worst of the best. Your Bottom Ten pollsters remain “pretty sure” they don’t know.
Either way, despite the fact The Bottom Ten was in reruns the first few weeks, there were still plenty of funny lines and your Bottom Ten pollsters put in several minutes of work picking out the very best ones for you.
We say this every year because it’s true: if you enjoyed reading this half as much as we enjoyed producing it, you enjoyed it an awful lot. See you in August.
The Bottom Ten Line of the Year
Vanderbilt – Commodores still reeling from turn-of-century merger of Athletic, Student Affairs departments, as girls enrolled in Rich Kids Having Rich Kids program take over training table as pregame breastfeedings result in players wanting in-game burps, naps.
Other Line of the Year Laureates
Lousy Rivalry Game of the Week – Purdue at Indiana, for the Old Oaken Bucket – Canceled last week because nobody wanted to see it, B-10 pollsters phoned Big Ten (10) office to demand it be played because of its potential implications for Big Ten in B-10 Conference of the Year race.
Gotham City (NY Jets and NY Giants) – With teams not meeting in 2020, race for Ed Koch Cup – symbolic of Big Apple football lousiness – could come down to which team ruins young quarterback fastest…
Navy – Enthusiasm in 2020 amongst Brigade of Midshipmen reportedly low, as student body sending Filipino mess attendants to go to games for them.
Other Funny Lines:
Washington Whatevers – With Redskin logo gone from helmet, team considering putting play diagrams on helmets so players know where to go…
Middle Tennessee – “Let’s play football,” everyone at Middle Tennessee said, “It will be good for campus morale.”…Well, no it won’t, as Blue Raiders 0-4 for fourth time this century….
South Carolina – Gamecocks earn weekly Rolex Time Management Award for hogging the ball for 35 minutes a game – third-best in country – giving defense valuable rest before giving up another touchdown.
Washington Whatevers – Slow start blamed on team decision – in order to pay homage to past – of making players stay in teepees the night before games…
Vanderbilt – Commodores 0-3 for second straight year, the fifth time this century, the 12th time since 1969 and, well, you get the idea.
Charlotte – Coaching staff holding special chalk talk sessions this week, diagraming how victories – even over North Texas – significantly hamper B-10 medal stand chances.
Gotham City – B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” this is first time two New York football teams have been winless this late in season since New York Argyles and Staten Island Fairies were both 0-5 in 1977 New York Alternative Lifestyles Football League (NYALFL)
NFC East – Really testing old NFL adage that on any given Sunday any team can beat any other team.
Texas-San Antonio – While losable games remain, remaining opponents only have .476 win percentage, meaning there is no margin for error in quest for B-10 glory…Or maybe there’s lots of margin for error…B-10 pollsters have never been too sure.
Washington Whatevers – Playing for loss on the road – solid B-10 strategy – Whatevers secure loss with missed two (2)-point conversion with 36 seconds left in game…
Dallas Cowboys – Still in first place, Cowboys looking to become first team to win division, B-10 title in same season…
Jacksonville Jaguars – While owner Ghengis Khan officially “pleased” with B-10 medal stand spot, he’s still threatening beheadings if team isn’t #1 by Muslim high holidays…
NFC East – With COVID restrictions in place, NFL unable to farm division champion out to small college playoffs.
Vanderbilt – Vanderbilt still smarting from turn-of-century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as pre-med students – training for future duties fighting COVID – take player’s temperatures after every play, resulting in NCAA-record 5,285 delay of game penalty yards, zero (0) fevers.
Mississippi State – Bulldogs current holders of Jefferson Davis Sword – issued to team with longest losing streak amongst Deep South teams who hired big-name coach in off-season who’s never won squat.
Dallas Cowboys – Rumors flying CBS trying to flex-schedule Sunday’s slaughter against 7-0 Steelers to Horror Channel…
Cincinnati Bengals – Bengals offense morale at rock bottom after producing leads not even their defense could blow…
Akron – Akron staffers scratching heads, unable to determine if announced crowd of 489 was affected by COVID restrictions or what they would have drawn anyway.
Vanderbilt – Commodores still smarting from turn of century decision to merge Athletic, Student Affairs departments as linebackers sent to help out in training room inadvertently tape ankles together instead of individually.
Detroit Lions – Lions secure loss by allowing touchdown with only ten (10) men on field, despite long NFL tradition of playing eleven (11) players…
Vanderbilt – Team staffers happy to announce parents can attend final two (2) home games, but were dismayed to find out none of them wanted to come.
Eastern Michigan – Not-too-popular hashtag #MACtion now amended to #MACtionExpceptEMU.
New Mexico – With team based in Las Vegas because no one in New Mexico wants to see them play, players generally pleased as free drinks, dating showgirls more fun than actually going to class in Albuquerque
Jacksonville Jaguars – Owner Ghengis Khan threatening to take entire staff hostage during offseason if team doesn’t deliver first B-10 title…
Akron – Akron ticket department – already one of the smallest departments on campus – easily able to handle COVID reduced crowd of zero as that is what they were expecting anyway.
UMess – With only three (3) three (3)-and-outs, UMess offense taken out behind Old North Church for postgame beating for making defense work so hard to give up 45-points.
Bowling Green – Defense calls off the dogs in second half, only allowing seven (7) points.
Navy – Navy hampered by pregame Defense Department ruling requiring squad – to better prepare for future sea duty – to sneak booze into on-field huddles and slip in shots before snaps.
Arizona – Special teams doing its park, only averaging 51 feet per kickoff return despite fact opponents start play 65-yards away.
UL-Monroe – Completely out of the blue – some optimists had predicted as many as two (2) wins for UL-M – Warhawks win first-ever B-10 title with first-ever winless season…
Kansas – With eight (8) wins since 2014 and donations plummeting, hopes for stadium expansion have gone from new concourse restaurants to new taco shack to a couple of hibachis on east end handicapped access ramp.
UMess – Though detractors point to only four (4) games played by UMess, B-10 pollsters “pretty sure” Minutemen would have (easily) lost any other games they would have played anyway…
Navy – Navy hampered by preseason Navy Secretary ruling requiring team – to better prepare for future sea duty hardships – to sharpen spades and cribbage games instead of reading playbooks.
NFC EAST – Overall divisional record worst since Tijuana, Jaurez, Tecate and Mexicali combined for 3-10-27 mark in NFL’s Border Wall Division in 1953…
Detroit Lions – Though not as bad as they’ve been in the past, Lions in final B-10 survey due to obscure B-10 bylaw – is there any other kind? – stating former 0-16 B-10 champs entitled to final ranking anytime they lose last four (4) games in a season affected by pandemic…